Category: humor

Talk Like A Pirate Day

The pirate speaks,”Today be Talk Like a Pirate day. I haven’t blogged about it in a while, but it be very important t’ enjoy somethin’ this distractin’ from your work. Go t’ talklikeapirateday.com and learn about this important, yet unappreciated day. Celebrate hero’s like Blackbeard instead o’ worryin’ about cowards like the yellow belly in ye old Whitehouse. True Pirates would attack t’ muslims and defeat them like true men. We’d use our cutlass and six pounders t’ defeat them and free t’ world.”

Elvis Died On This Day and Madonna Was Bornalso

Not that I care anymore, about any of them.

Also, the Giffords (Kathy and Frank) were born this day.

But the most famous thing is that Elvis died this day in 1977, on the toilet

Here’s a throwback to 1986 – Core Introduces New PC   where I was a spokesman for the company…..

Here is a quote that notes I’ll vanquish my foes:

From the cradle to the grave, fighting, rightly understood, is the business, the real, highest, honestest business, of every son of man. Every one who is worth his salt has his enemies, who must be beaten, be they evil thoughts and habits in himself or spiritual wickedness in high places, or Muslim terrorists, or Border-ruffians, or Bill, Tom, or Harry, who will not let him live his life in quiet till he has thrashed them.

One of the Problems With Big Companies is Their Middle Management

There has been a dearth of articles about middle management issues with big companies recently.  Vanity Fair had a great article about how stacked performance reviews has killed innovation at Microsoft, but it really described the problems with most big companies.  The irony was that it pointed out how Microsoft made fun of IBM, yet  Microsoft had now repeated the same mistakes they IBM has suffered from for years.

Additionally, not to exonerate any big company, all of which have middle management problems, many also have stacked performance reviews which clearly has caused a big morale problem at companies I worked for which is also documented in the article at Microsoft.  From what I’ve heard from my associates around RTP, most of the companies (with the exception of NetApp) including but not limited to IBM, , Lenovo, and many others use this type of employee rating.  See Stacked Performance reviews below for a further discussion.

FIRST LINE MANAGERS, ONE OF THE WORST JOBS

When I worked as a plumber, they told me I only had to know 3 things to be qualified.  They were; 1) payday is Friday, 2) $h!t flows downhill and 3) the boss is an a$$h0le.  This is basically true in a lot of jobs.  The first line manager has to usually do their regular job, plus be a people manager for which most aren’t trained for and most are not good at.  They have extra work for the same pay just on the promise that they would get ahead, which almost none do.  It may finally pay off for some, but only when they reached VP or higher.  Directors have to take it from the VP’s, but at least can delegate the crummy work to the first line managers.

The reason this job is such a loser is that while you have to deal with the day to day issues, in this economy your managerial duties are to basically give bad news that there are little to no raises, people are being laid off so be happy you’re still working….also that there won’t be any bonuses this year.  I watched these managers get dumped on by their next level of management as they had to do the dirty work (some then got laid off just after they let others go).  Very few made it past this level of management as there just are so may executive jobs available, and there are many vying for those positions.  Plumbers rule numbers 2 and 3 apply here.

Here is an excerpt from Forbes which describes the problem with middle management.

I watched this phenomenon also ruin morale at my last company and David Williams nails some points starting here:

In my opinion, a company needs leaders—not managers.

What does that a leader look like? We start with two of our 7 Non Negotiables of leadership—we Trust and then we Empower. You know how leaders will typically say “I empower my people”—and then they don’t? The tendency is all too common. (This happened in my last job before I retired.  I was told by my then manager to be more independent, but I had to run everything by my him before I did anything, and trusted the opinion of a new hire over my review of a meeting that said new hire didn’t attend…talk about lack of trust and sending mixed messages to your employees).

The minute there’s a mistake it’s like a rope around your neck that snatches back—you either get your head taken off, or you get yanked back so hard the natural reaction is to hunker down and become “less” instead of growing to “more.”

With my own paired leadership partner, Fishbowl president Mary Michelle Scott, we start at the top of the company with a holistic, high altitude view of what we want to achieve. Then we bring in the department captains (there are 3 pairs) and say, “This is what we’re thinking. We think it’s time to open up Canada, the UK and South Africa.”

We give that big piece of meat to the captains. They chew on it for a while and come back with either 1) they don’t like it (generally coupled with a counter proposal), or 2) the multiple ways they see to go about achieving the goal. The captains are leaders who play a core role in the strategy’s formation. Then they run the day-to-day deployment of the strategy that’s been jointly created and set.

Yes, there’s a fine line between leadership and management—but there’s a massive difference as well, I maintain. Our approach makes the groups and leaders autonomous, but also interdependent. They are bright. All voices are heard. We decide on the “best” idea, no matter who originates it, and most of the time, we actually forget who brings the idea forward. Nobody worries about “the glory” because all will benefit as a team (my compensation strategy is here.) They come up with better answers than we could ever hope to achieve on our own.

(Editors note here: My view as the author of this blog is not everyone is cut out to be a manager.  There are a lot who think that it is their career path or a way to get ahead, but that doesn’t make them qualified.  I had a few managers who just were not people persons.  Some middle managers  held success against the top achievers when they out-performed the manager,  or couldn’t handle the fact that some made more than others including the manager.  They shouldn’t have let this guide their decisions, but they did. People like this shouldn’t have been allowed to be managers.  This guy also used age discrimination while at IBM to get rid of a competent worker, Bill Gesick and wouldn’t re-hire Sid Baker, a veteran coming back from Iraq and Afghanistan.  Further, this person whom his employees named Mr. Feckless bragged that he tried to get rid of me (because I  (made more money that he did) as well as bragged at how he gave no extra pay to others, which everyone promptly told me about.  I just tried to consistently do good job and was always more successful than he was with work. An example is this success story which I kept him out of on purpose so he couldn’t ruin it.  It was how I had to deal with him as did his peer managers as well as his boss (who later told me he wanted to get rid of him and would have had the company not been sold to Lenovo).  It is a clear case of a person that should have had a staff job.

This happens at every level.

Why leaders hear too many questions? – From The Leadership Freak

You’ve delegated tasks rather than results, vision, and resources. Delegating tasks is too granular and suggests your need for granular involvement. Delegating tasks causes others to focus on tasks. Delegating vision along with resources frees good people to make decisions on their own.

You may hear too many questions because you don’t have clear processes and procedures. People ask too many questions when they aren’t sure what’s next.  Establishing processes and procedures for repeated activities frees both leaders and employees.

On the other hand: The best leaders/managers I worked for had the following trait.

The captains don’t “manage” every day. They have just one meeting as captains per week. That meeting determines the deployment of strategy. We hand off to the captains—then they hand off to the teams, who hand off to the individuals who deploy day to day, and then they get out-of-the-way (as they resume their own production roles, side by side with their teams.)

Here is some advice on how to manage properly if most would take it.

Yes, there are some management components. But we try to stay away from the temptation to micromanage, which makes people so fearful of making a mistake, they feel they don’t dare to create something courageous. (Note: This happened with another manager who said she wanted each of us to take charge, but just couldn’t leave our work alone until we wound up having to do it as if we were her.  This made it very hard for our team as we all had different styles… none of them matched with the manager.  This of course killed our creativity and morale as we had to try to do things in the style as if we were her, all the while knowing that we knew how to do our jobs better and knew our area’s deeper.  The micro-management ruined our chances to succeed as well as our motivation).  We had to report every detail constantly making each task taking five times longer with way more revisions than it could have taken. She was one of the last managers I had, and certainly not a leader.

Conversely, the manager I had before her gave me the freedom to succeed by macro managing and encouraged me to try my own ideas which drove me to want to give it everything I have.  This fueled my creative juices including starting this blog and joining twitter.  I also wanted to help others learn social media, something the following manager didn’t support except by hiring a noob who turned out to be a loafer to basically handle tweet wrap ups.

The link above best describes how to do it this way:

Some managers fear empowering team members because a more powerful team might take some action or a make a decision that the manager would not have made. But you can’t over-control your teams. It’s the responsibility of a manager to know what’s going on but not to micro-manage.

It’s best if you can pick your own team and hire motivated workers who will inspire and enthuse other team members.

That 2nd manager of our Cross Brand team thought that she owned the ability to communicate and this just made it hard for us to get our jobs done.  The employees grouped together for self preservation.

The Leadership Freak comments appropriately here:

You may hear too many questions because you’re a control freak (see my micro-manager above). Your people are paralyzed by your need to know, control, and direct details. On a personal note, I don’t think of myself as a control freak, but I am. I mention that because you may not see your freakishness. In my opinion, leaders tend to be control freaks. Don’t toss this possibility aside without thinking it over.

You may hear too many questions because your people lack experience or need training.

You may hear too many questions because you punish rather than learn from mistake makers. Begin honoring both the lessons learned from and the persons with the courage to make mistakes. Obviously, mistakes from negligence, insubordination, or sabotage shouldn’t be honored.

Not all questions are good questions. Some questions indicate poor leadership. Are you hearing too many questions?

ANOTHER MANAGEMENT ISSUE: HOW STACKED PERFORMANCE REVIEWS ARE KILLING INNOVATION

excerpt From Vanity Fair:

Eichenwald’s conversations reveal that a management system known as “stack ranking”—a program that forces every unit to declare a certain percentage of employees as top performers, good performers, average, and poor—effectively crippled Microsoft’s ability to innovate. “Every current and former Microsoft employee I interviewed—every one—cited stack ranking as the most destructive process inside of Microsoft, something that drove out untold numbers of employees,” Eichenwald writes. “If you were on a team of 10 people, you walked in the first day knowing that, no matter how good everyone was, 2 people were going to get a great review, 7 were going to get mediocre reviews, and 1 was going to get a terrible review,” says a former software developer. “It leads to employees focusing on competing with each other rather than competing with other companies.”

Blog Editors note: At my last company, we also had to compete against equal employee “bands” (level of experience commensurate with pay and responsibility) across the company.  This was especially unfair for remote employees as those in the home office of New York had access to the management and knew the strategy well before it was disseminated.

TELECOMMUTERS ARE DISCRIMINATED AGAINST

From the HuffPo:

The millions of Americans who are skipping out on the daily commute may also be losing out on a promotion.

These so-called ‘telecommuters’ are less likely to receive positive performance reviews from superiors than their colleagues who show up in the office, a new study by MIT Sloan Management Review shows.

The report chalks up much of the discrepancy to managerial subjectivity. Managers are less likely to be comfortable with a worker they don’t actually see on a regular basis. In fact, they may become more irritated with someone who they perceive isn’t available at all times. Telecommuting employees are also less likely to reap the benefits of showing up early and leaving work late than their commuting coworkers.

Advances in internet technology have allowed for telecommuting to become more widespread. About 20 percent of workers worldwide report that they telecommute, while 10 percent report that they work from home on a regular basis, according to a recent Ipsos/Reuters poll. That same poll found that 34 percent of workers, when asked, stated that they would telecommute on a regular basis if they could.

But according to some critics, telecommuting creates cause for concern. For instance, telecommuting could prevent workers from being able to fully understand what their managers ask of them, according to PC World. That’s because non-verbal facial expressions are an important component of the workplace that telecommuting, which often takes place over instant messaging or phone, doesn’t allow.

This definitely happened at my last job even though they claimed it was not true.  If you did not work in NY (it was an old boys club with both men and women), you didn’t stand a chance for promotion unless you were in the High Potential (HyPo) group, which means you were destined for NY eventually.  What was almost funny was that some of the senior management even made fun of those not in NY as if we had a lower IQ.  In fact, we knew we could do the same job for 30% less cost of living and didn’t have to go to NY, we just knew that we would only go so far unless we moved there.

I’ve had managers who didn’t trust you if you weren’t there.  He projected his own lack of work ethic at home on the team.  Each of us were mature responsible workers, except for the middle manager.

One of my favorite worst management lines ever was on the first day of a new job, the  manager said to me, “I’m too busy with my new job, you are on your own to figure out how to do your job”.  He since has been demoted to a staff job after not succeeding at another company and came back to IBM.

16 THINGS SUCCESSFUL LEADERS NEVER DO – BY LEADERSHIP FREAK

Not doing is one side of finding success.

  1. Never let the bottom line be the bottom line.
  2. Never pretend things are ok when they aren’t.
  3. Never let what you’ve never done be the reason not to try.
  4. Never get ahead by resenting those who get ahead. – My former boss Ray G.
  5. Never let those who aren’t doing something prevent you for doing something.
  6. Never do on the road what you wouldn’t do at home.
  7. Never trust anyone who never admits mistakes.
  8. Never achieve greatness through negativity.
  9. Never pretend you can do what you can’t.
  10. Never let others fail before doing everything appropriate to help them succeed.
  11. “An executive has never suffered because his subordinates were strong and effective.” Peter Drucker
  12. Never find wisdom in excuses, defensiveness, or blame.
  13. Never think of loyalty as a gift.
  14. Never waffle when it comes to taking responsibility.
  15. Never waver when it comes to giving credit.
  16. Never make excuses. “Never make excuses. Your friends don’t need them and your foes won’t believe them.” JohnWooden

Bonus: Never create the future by recreating the past.

CONCLUSION

We can’t get away from having middle management, but companies need to vet who they let be in that position via a better method.  They should also give them better training and most of all, realistically set their expectations of the chances of moving up.  If they did this, it would weed out those who are only doing the job to move up or to get paid more.  Most however, are doomed to stay there and live with plumbers rules numbers 2 and 3.

Saturday Humor – Joe Isuzu and Monarchy

This series of commercials was especially funny to me, for a particular reason.  This is my favorite one of the bunch as it pokes fun in an acceptable way.  When this came out, I had just taken a picture of my daughter next to a guard who couldn’t move in a very similar guard-house, so even to this day I find it funny.

I hope you do also.

Why The Husband Was Banned From Target – Friday Humor

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips
to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like
most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local
Target.

Dear Mrs. S

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion
in our store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to
ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.
Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice,’Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms
on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows
and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs
were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as
a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna
look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through,yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in
here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

Update on Grocery Shopping

I originally wrote about my shopping adventures from as much as 30 years ago mentioning dressing for the store, meeting someone at work, bikini’s, girls in the frozen isle….and other observations.  Instead of just being out of college which was the perspective of the original blog, I’m now buying groceries for a college student.

I also wrote about the old people and their habits.  It dawned on me today I’m almost one of them now.  I go on BOGO (buy one get one free) day.  My day is complete when I can get BOGO with a coupon for double savings.  When did I get this old?  Actually I’m just smarter with our money now and know there are deals to be had.

I’m even getting balloons for my dog to play with as they float and it gives her great pleasure to bark at them.  If I could just get her to breath in the helium and bark, I’d be the one howling with laughter.

Just think, one more year and I can get another 5% off for senior discount on Thursdays!

When You See a Deer You See Bambi, And I see Antlers Up On the Wall

This originally appeared 12/3/2007, but was lost during a transition to WordPress (fail there).  I’m re-posting it as it was my son’s first deer.  Since then he has harvested more food for us, and hat racks for the wall.

Here is the Post:

With all kudos to Brad Paisley, I took my son hunting… and here is his first deer, a nice 8 pointer.   To you vegetarians, sorry, but I’m an outdoorsman and I believe in being able to take care of yourself which is growing and harvesting your food…..both meat and vegetables.  After all, I love vegetarians….most of what I eat are vegetarians anyway.

It’s also because of hunting and fishing that I get to connect with my offspring.  I see many parents fighting with their kids, but we’re getting to spend hours together away from the computer, video games and other distractions that are potentially harmful to teenagers. We put the deer stand together, painted it camo, grew the food plots and reaped the rewards.

We also fed a herd of 50+ animals and worked the land from scrub to ecologically very fruitful and crop producing.

As Brad says, “but what can I say at the end of the day, honey I’m still a guy” .

Here is the song on YouTube:

Interviewing, What Not to Say

As I face the end of this phase of my corporate career, I recall back on the many interviews I’ve had.  Some went well as I’ve had jobs, and certainly many did not as I didn’t get others.

The strangest question I was ever asked was if you could choose whether to be on a planet where you worked all the time or one that you could rest and play all the time, which would you choose?  Fortunately, I answered I’d go to the planet to work all the time so that I could get to the other one to enjoy the fruits of my labor.  Somehow that worked and I got the job.

After I wrote this, one of my friends from work sent me this worthy entry.  Thanks Arline.

  After spending 30 minutes interviewing a young man for a position  
        he asked if I would elaborate a little more on my own position, I
        kindly agreed, He then said he had decided he wanted my Job and
        not the on he was interviewing for.

After hearing the mention of what people say, I decided to include these answers from Rachel Farrell, Careerbuilder.com, to whom I give full credit.

You can always depend on young children to tell you exactly what they think, or precisely how they feel on any given topic. Want to know if your breath smells bad, if you should wear a different tie or if you really look fat in that outfit? Find a 5-year-old. He will give you an uncensored, honest answer.

Needless to say, we expect more from adults. Especially adults who are interviewing for a job.

For the second year in a row, we asked hiring managers everywhere to tell us the craziest thing they’ve ever heard in an interview. Keep reading for 37 hilarious (and true) statements from the job candidates:

1. “I interviewed a gentleman who looked great on paper but said two things during the interview that made me think, ‘Really?’ When starting the interview, I asked him what his hobbies were, to lighten the mood. He replied, ‘I sometimes walk up to perfect strangers just to say hello. I also like to pick up trash if I see some when I’m walking around.’ After I asked him how the position would contribute to his professional goals and future plans, he replied, ‘My main goal is to be a rock star; this is more of a backup plan.'” — Jessica Harrington, marketing associate, Eastern Michigan University

2. “I remember interviewing a secretary some years ago and asking her, ‘What is important to you in a job?’ Her answer was: ‘I want to work close to Bloomingdales.'” — Bettina Seidman, career management coach, Seidbet Associates

3. “‘When your workload is heavy and you are overwhelmed, how do you handle the stress?’ ‘I run in the bathroom and cry.’” — Jessica Simko, Career Branding Guide

4. “We performed mock interviews where our clients were put in an interview session using their real backgrounds, interests, etc. When asked why the client left her last job, which was in a family buffet-style restaurant, her response was, ‘I was hungry and didn’t know it would be a problem so I had pizza delivered to the restaurant while was on the clock.'” — Jacqueline Lisenby, chief visionary officer and president, StatusJ Entertainment Group

5. “I interviewed a senior engineer for one of our open positions. He demanded coffee and proceeded to spill coffee in his lap. Then he pointed to his groin area, laughed and said, ‘It looks like I wet myself!’ Needless to say, he didn’t get the job.” — Lisa Hall, human resources trainer and author of “Taking Charge of Your Own Health”

6. “I recently had the craziest interviewee ever come into our offices for a copywriter position. I wanted enthusiastic, but this guy was so over the top, I almost laughed in the middle of the interview. He high-fived someone on my team after hearing that my team member just got engaged. He talked about how terrible his boss was for a good 20 minutes. He said he felt like he was already working with us. And then he left something behind so that he could come back and get it. He called wondering when he could come back, and we [saw] him prepping in the parking lot.” — Amanda Halm, senior copywriter, editor, Bridezilla.com

7. “Without a doubt, the craziest thing I ever heard came from a candidate for an entry-level management position. He looked perfect on paper, so we scheduled a phone interview for 3 p.m. He answered the phone and when I introduced myself he said, ‘Hold on, I’m at a bar. Let me finish this shot and go outside.’ Amidst the noise of an active game of pool and a rowdy bar crowd, he slipped outside and told me, ‘You know what? I’m a little drunker than I thought. Can we reschedule?’ Needless to say, we did not.” — Heather Lytle, senior partner, H&L Media Partners

8. “While I am not the interviewer for a corporation, having been in many interviews for opportunities, I have actually heard a number of interesting, crazy, less-tactful things said from the interviewer side. The worst was, I drove two hours to do an in-person, one-hour interview and the interviewer was 30-40 minutes late to the interview, even though she walked by me in the lobby six or seven times with a bag of chips talking about her personal life to the receptionist. When she finally came out to get me, she didn’t even act shocked or sorry for the delay, and just said, ‘I was munching on a bag of chips and time flies when you’re eating chips.’ Let’s just say I knew then it wouldn’t be a good fit.” — Chris Perry, founder of Career Rocketeer

9. “We recently asked a job candidate, ‘What do you know about us?’ He leaned back in his chair and replied, ‘Not much. Why don’t you fill me in?’ He wasn’t hired.” — John Kramb, Adams County Winery

10. “We always include a casual lunch or dinner portion during an interview to continue our discussions in a more informal manner. This candidate let their guard down, falling out of their ‘interview mode,’ during the friendly and casual meal-time discussions. They went so far as to share that they installed an illegal second network in their office with co-workers and would spend their afternoons gaming on the clock. They then went on to further share how regularly in the mornings and afternoons they would sleep at their desk during working hours. Bragging that they had never once been caught in either of these acts. Needless to say, this candidate was not hired. Prior to this meal-time, more casual discussion, they were likely to be made an offer. The lesson learned and to be shared is that you are on the interview from before you arrive at a location until you have returned home. I was truly surprised that such a smart individual would make such a stupid mistake by sharing such obviously unacceptable work practices with a potential new employer.” — Zachary Z. Zguris, chief technology officer, Lime Design Inc.

11. “The interview was for a highly visible administrative assistant position. Clearly, I was looking for someone who would exercise tact with top-caliber people who would come into our office. I opened the interview with a fairly standard question:

‘What is it that attracts you to this job the most?’ Without hesitation, she replied, ‘My mother thinks this will be the right job for me.'” — Bill Lampton, president, Championship Communication

12. “We have the standard lists of questions you’d expect to hear, but at any given moment, I’ll interject with, ‘If you were an animal, what animal would you be and why?’ The most shocking response was, ‘I’d be a cat so I can lay around all day and not have to do anything.'” — Efrain Ayala, account executive, Walt Denny Inc., The Home Products Agency

13. “The man’s phone kept ringing. Finally, he answered it and he said, ‘Hello. No. I’m fine. OK.’ Of course, it was rude and uncalled for in my opinion, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and asked if everything was OK. He basically said nothing was wrong but that his wife was checking in. He had not flown in for the interview. He was local.” — T. Murray, author of “Stuck on Stupid: A Guide for Today’s Professional Stuck in a Rut”

14. “The most bizarre experience I ever had was regarding a candidate who was offered a position with my client. Because she had disclosed that she had a college degree, she was required to produce proof in the form of transcripts, diploma, etc. She told us that she was unable to produce the required documentation because her identity had been changed and that the information the firm was seeking was in her previous name. Due to safety reasons, she was unable to produce proof (in any name she had or was using).” — Cathleen Faerber, managing director, The Wellesley Group Inc.

15. “I was interviewing an older woman for a position in my company. I thought she had a great personality and was considering hiring her. Then at the end of the interview she asked if I would be able to give her a ride to work and then back home again everyday! Umm, no.” — Janice Celeste, president and CEO, Celeste Studios Film & Video

16. “I had a woman come in and tell me that she ran a business around the corner and that she would be working this job, as well as managing her business during business hours. I wanted to be sure that I understood her correctly — that she would be taking time away from the position with me to ‘check in’ on her store periodically. But when I asked her a few questions to clarify, she became upset with me and ended up storming out of my office.” — Shay Olivarria, speaker and author of “Bigger Than Your Block”

17. “One job candidate arrived late for the interview, in a not-so-gracious mood. ‘The commute is terrible,’ she said. ‘I’m so glad I don’t have to do this every day.'” — Sammie Samuella Becker, CEO, TigressPR

18. “I had a candidate in the final interview stages. He pretty much had the job. He was invited to interview with a couple of people who would become peers as last step in the process. One would-be peer asked my candidate to demonstrate to them his work ethic and drive, to which he replied, ‘You can just strap a saddle on my a** and ride me!’ Apparently, he was hoping to show what a workhorse he is. As you might imagine, he did not get the job.” — Jenny Foss, recruiting agency owner, recruiter and job search consultant

19. “I interviewed a candidate over the phone for a sales position. Less than five minutes into the call, I began to hear water swishing and realized that the candidate was taking a bath during the phone interview.” — Jessica Miller-Merrell, owner, Xceptional HR

20. “I had a candidate come into my office with her child and proceed to breastfeed her baby boy during the interview. There was no acknowledgment or mention from the woman I was interviewing about the baby or him eating.” — Miller-Merrell

21. “While interviewing a young lady who was wearing a revealing top, at the end of the interview, she leaned forward and said in a sultry voice, ‘I’ll do anything to get this job.’ She got people’s attention, but eliminated herself from getting hired.” — Ronald Kaufman consultant and author of “Anatomy of Success”

22. “One [candidate] came in dressed very professionally and really looked like she had made an effort to look the part. Some people assume because we are laid back and bring our pets to work, that we are extremely casual and will show up for an interview dressed in jeans, so this was a nice change. Toward the end of the interview, I complimented her on how professional she looked. She got this huge smile and looked down at her clothes and said, ‘I know. I think I look like Mary Tyler Moore; that’s why I wore this!’ We ended up hiring her and she was such a quirky, fun, enthusiastic employee with a style all her own.” — Cindy Lukacevic, owner/vice president of marketing, Dinovite Inc.

23. “While wrapping up a seemingly decent interview with a young lady for an administrative assistant position, I asked her if she had any questions. She asked one or two default questions about the company then — drum roll — she says, ‘I used my last bit of change to put gas in my car to make it here. Is there any way that you could help me out?’ Needless to say, I was floored and the candidate did not get the job.” — Clorissa Wright, senior publicist, WrightWay Marketing and Consulting

24. “‘I like to date the young ones, is that bad?’ and ‘I love older women, do you really only have women working in your organization?’ Those are the two I will never forget.” — Greg Palomino, CRE8AD8

25. “I was working for a private investigator and interviewing applicants for a decoy position, in which they could possibly be confronted with various situations while investigating everyone from potentially cheating wives to drug dealers. I asked a guy in his early 20s, ‘What would you do if you were working undercover and someone you were investigating starting using drugs?’ He laughed, ‘Oh, it wouldn’t bother me. I mean, I have a medical marijuana card and all. You know, anxiety and stuff.’ ‘Oh, really?’ I noticed his eyes were slightly glassy. ‘Yep.’ He grinned. ‘So, are you high now?’ I asked. A chuckle. ‘Just a little!’ ‘Oh, just a little?’ I replied. ‘When did you last smoke?’ ‘Oh, before I left my place to come here.’ He didn’t get the job.” –Lauren Gard, Infinite Public Relations

26. “Over a nice dinner, the president of a company conducted a final interview with a vice president of sales candidate. At the end of the interview, the job was going to be offered to the candidate. The waiter brought the bill and the candidate, who was employed at the time, took it, pulled out his company credit card and said, ‘Don’t worry about this, I’ll put it on my company’s expense account.’ The president later said he didn’t know which shocked him more, the lack of ethics or the candidate’s stupidity. Obviously the job offer was never extended.” — Brian Marchant-Calsyn, Health Career Agents

27. “An executive search recruiter was explaining the qualities needed for the job: multitasking, hard-working, time management skills, attention to detail, etc. The candidate responded with, ‘I can’t do that. I’m not a robot.'” –Andrea Friedman, public relations coordinator, The LaSalle Network, a Chicago professional staffing and recruiting company

28. “A recruiter was in the midst of an interview, when the candidate asked, ‘Do you mind if I use your kitchen to eat my turkey sandwich?'” — Friedman

29. “An executive search recruiter asked the candidate, who was previously an accounting manager, what their ideal job would be. The candidate responded with, ‘A Playboy photographer.'” — Friedman

30. “I had to interview for a position that required organization, time management and attention to detail. My candidate was young, in his early 20s, and wore all black to the interview. We were a very casual office, so I thought nothing of it. But when I asked him to describe for me an instance when he had managed his time effectively, he cited managing his time in dungeon raids in the online game ‘World of Warcraft.’ When I said I knew the game and had even played it a bit, he took that as his cue to answer all my questions with ‘World of Warcraft’ examples. The word ‘necromancer’ came up far too many times. Needless to say, I was looking for real-world examples and he didn’t get the position.” — Jennifer Escalona

31. “One of the funniest things an applicant said to me was in response to my question, ‘What do you like in an office environment?’ The applicant said, ‘I like 42nd and Broadway.’ Needless to say, that wasn’t what I was asking, and that wasn’t anywhere near our office location.” — Sharon Armstrong, author of “The Essential Performance Review Handbook”

32. “‘I have a hunch that someone in your office is dating an ex-boyfriend/acquaintance of mine and I feel that’s too awkward of a conflict of interest. I will not accept any job based on this kind of pork-chop recommendation.’ Especially amusing because no one in our office at the time was dating any men. We still have no idea where the candidate came up with this theory, or what exactly she means by ‘pork-chop recommendation,’ for that matter.” — Anne Howard, Lynn Hazan & Associates

33. “In an interview, the oddest thing has to be a candidate asking if we had any
food that she could have.” — Howard

34. “When I interview candidates, I always ask the following questions in this order: What are you most proud of? What do you enjoy doing? Why did you leave your previous jobs? Here are the answers I received from one candidate: ‘I am most proud of my wife and children.’ ‘The thing I enjoy most is spending time with my family.’ ‘I decided to quit. I had an affair with a co-worker and when we broke up there was too much tension in the office.’ And he said it without batting an eye.” — Bruce, executive recruiter and career counselor, Hurwitz Strategic Staffing Ltd.

35. “One time during an interview, a candidate removed his flip-flops and literally stuck his foot in my face. Another time, I was interviewing a candidate who asked me out on a date three times in five minutes. I had to remind him that he was on an interview — not speed dating.” — Heather Araneo, branch manager, Snelling Staffing – The Wyckoff Group

36. “Interviewer (president of a mid-sized company): Do you plan on having children?
Answer (me/candidate): Yes, at some point.
Interviewer: Do you intend to continue working then?
A: Yes.
Interviewer: What are you going to do, be like a cow and drop it in the middle of a field?” — Janice Warren, director, OneReport, SRI World Group

37. “One day, I met with a candidate who, on his résumé, had good experience and education. I was going through the normal interview questions with him when I asked him which accounting system he had implemented. His response was immediate: ‘PEACHTREE!’ But then he started shaking his head and saying, “No, no, no’ and then he slapped himself across the face and said ‘NO! QUICKBOOKS!'” — Meghan Norman, corporate recruiter

World’s Shortest Books (Satire)

For those easily offended, move along, nothing to see here.  For those with a sense of irony, humor and perhaps sarcasm, enjoy.

The World’s Shortest Books:

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
 by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated  by Michael Moore
________________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER  KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________

THINGS I  LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
________________________________
Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

By Bill  Clinton
___________________________________

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE

by Osama Bin Laden
___________________________________

THINGS I  CANNOT AFFORD

by Bill Gates

____________________________________

THINGS I  WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

by Dennis Rodman
_________________________________

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE

by Al Gore & John Kerry

_____________________________________
AMELIA EARHART’S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

___________________________________

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

by Dr. J.. Kevorkian

__________________________________
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE

by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O’Donnel

____________________________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

by Mike Tyson

__________________________________
THE AMISH  PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

by O. J. Simpson
_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES

by Ted Kennedy
___________________________________

MY BOOK OF MORALS

by Bill Clinton with introduction

by the Rev. Jesse Jackson
*******************************************************

AND, JUST ADDED:

Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!

By Nancy Pelosi

**************************************************************************************************************************

My Real-World Work Experience

by Barack Obama

Working With the Legal Department

 

I just had to get a press release approved for PartnerWorld.  9 lawyers later, I got a version back that resembled what I submitted.

It was now devoid of content and any facts relating to any announcement, said or implied, pertaining to or related to any issue with or without any implications to the company or any of it’s divisions or partners both expressed or implied whether discussing any actual issue, but not limited to any actual information that might be relevant to those to whom the information might be directed to forth with.

I sent the reporters what I wanted to anyway and blew off the lawyers as usual.

Advice for Men, 9 Words that Women Use That YOU Need to Pay Attention To

Men, pay attention.  This could save you.

 

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission.. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake..

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ . that will bring on a ‘whatever’).

(8) Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying F- off!

(9) Don’t worry about it, I’ll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to # 3.

The Social Network, A Movie Review with Comparisons to Corporate Life

I’m rarely first in line to many movies and the Social Network is the same, I just saw it last Saturday night.  I realize that the movie didn’t tell the exact story, but I’m sure there were enough similarities to be close.

CAPITALISM, WHY OUR COUNTRY IS GREAT AND THE BEST ECONOMIC SYSTEM IN HISTORY

My first impressionism was thank the good Lord for Capitalism.  There may have been some rough issues with the ongoings of the start up, but that we can live in a country where entrepreneurship and the ability to start a company, create jobs  and have a shot at success should be celebrated.  I want an environment where you can make it, or make it big, which is what is great about this country….The American Dream.  The idea that we should re-distribute wealth because some do better than others is nonsense. One of the best lines in the movie came at the deposition when Zuckerberg answered if he stole Facebook from the Winklescarfs, “if you guys were the inventors of the Facebook, then you would have invented the Facebook”…ouch.  It took hard work, vision and of course a couple of lucky breaks, but would this come out of the current environments in Venezuela, Iran, North Korea….I’m open to any examples?.   That Zuckerberg had an idea and was able to become a billionaire gives real hope to everyone.  Build a better Mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door………………………….but only in the free world.

<sarcasm>

WHY I’M GLAD IT TOOK PLACE IN hARVARD (lower case intentional)

<sarcasm/>


That (at least) the 2nd dropout from harvard (lowercase emphasis mine) became a billionaire shows that an Ivy League credential is not what it used to be, nor is it necessary or as prestigious as it once was (unless you are a dropout billionaire) .  Another great line in the movie that the Winkledoofuss’s were mad because they didn’t get their way such as they had all their pampered life was epic.  We don’t live in the entitlement world (or shouldn’t). I’ve worked with Finklehorsespatoots from all of the Ivy league skools (sp on purpose) as well as those like Duke, USC, UNC-CH, Notre Dame, columbia, princeton who take college snobbery to the wrong level.  Proud of your school is one thing, elitism is another….guess which one is appreciated or listened to? These institutions are reducing themselves to credentialed, not necessarily educated.  Guess which ones are laughed at and not considered worth the money they charge? For the most part, the extra money they paid for their education was a waste that could have been invested and would be worth more.  The reality is most are doing the same job for the same money.  It got to the point in one of my jobs at IBM when someone would brag that they had a harvard MBA, someone would comment in public what a waste of money that was for the person.  The rest of us would know to work around that person as they would just be a hindrance to our ability to get any work done.  They were almost pariahs to everyone else being the snowflakes they usually turned out to be.

It takes a dream and passion to see it to fruition, otherwise you are a lemming in the working world.  No degree earns you the right to do anything but try.  I also subscribe that things are not equal, nor should they be.   Some get more than others, be it because they are smarter, work harder or some combination of both.  If you get a lucky break, consider it a bone, but it’s not an entitlement.

The plaintiffs didn’t have the ability to pull off what Zuckerberg did and they wound up sucking on the hind teat of his success.  You could tell that the lawyers got as much as the clients he settles with through billing and retainers on that settlement.  Might as well include lawyers in the offended since it looks like I’m growing that list in this blog.  This brings me to another of my favorite scene’s, the best answer I’ve ever heard at a deposition.  I wish I’d said it although I’ve said something close I’ll admit.

HARD WORK

Facebook didn’t just succeed because of luck (maybe luck in the timing) and some who didn’t see it’s potential got left behind, but the key to it’s success like most things is ability and hard work.  Although I work for a big company now, I cut my teeth with entrepreneurs who gave every drop of blood, sweat and many times their personal life to make something they believed in a success.  Most are at least Millionaires now and I don’t begrudge a one of them.  They took the risk and deserve the reward.  I only wish more would make it so they could hire more people and reduce unemployment,  restart and grow the economy  This will be the turn around our current economic situation needs, and much faster than our present Keynesian politicians.

REALISM OF THE FILM

I thought they captured the timing and semantics of the period correctly  I was noticing the coding on screen, the Apache servers and that Zuckerberg edited his blog in HTML.  I even noticed that the cell phones were time period appropriate.  What hasn’t changed is College partiers.   Not that I know that much about college partying, but I’m sure some of that really happens.  Although they said he wasn’t an asshole, but that he tried so hard to be one was partly true.  He didn’t have to try.

REAL LIFE

It turns out that Zuckerberg is a suck up to the President to promote Facebook.  Why someone so smart would let himself be manipulated is beyond me.  He didn’t realize that he let a campaign go on for the youth vote who are so easily manipulated by MTV, The Comedy Channel and such outlets.   Older, wiser and those hurt more by the economy know better than to support this or be buffaloed by this sort of trick.  The fact that Fakebook is censuring political groups that are not liberal and letting terrorists plan attacks or post mendacious things about moral groups shows who they and Zuck really are, biased.

EPILOGUE

This was a good movie that shows you can still make it in the business world.  Bill Gates, Michael Dell, Steve Jobs and many others are all good examples of the American dream that Zuckerberg lives.  By now it is out on DVD, I even TiVo’d it the other day an watched it again just to see success.  I am glad we live in the part of the world where you have the chance to succeed or fail.  But if you succeed, you usually take others with you.  A rising tide floats all boats.

New Meeting Bingo Words

I always like this game.

Center Square this week is i-anything or cloud anything

Web 2.0 – still alive

Web 3.0

HTML 5

unified

legacy

responsive

enhanced

awareness

zero footprint

community

extensibility

widget pallette

full client

micro browser

vision

business transformation

pipeline

organizational productivity

rich anything (connection, client, business data, etc.)

collaboration

platforming

work experience

customer value

marketshare

cloud anything

alternative models of computing

virtualization

The Rumors of My Demise are a bit Previous

Frank Gens sent me this photo the other day, what a sense of humor.  What’s really funny is he pointed out that this guy had 2 wives.

That’s either 2 mother in law’s, twice the fun or twice the headache….or this guy was hard on wives.

Don’t ask my wife which it is, I’m not sure I want to know.

Anyway, for now I’m alive an kicking.

Beautiful Bikini’s at the beach

Once again, I’m satirically inspired. This post is brought to you by a walk on a beautiful beach in Florida, in a winter coat. These guys were the only other beach walkers besides us. We were hoping for a Jimmy Buffet oriented post like “The weather is here, I wish you were Beautiful“…but alas, not this year as the weather didn’t cooperate.

We’ll make up for it with a huge family gathering and shrimp boil today to catch up on everything, which is always a pleasure as was Thanksgiving with my Mom yesterday.

And next week I’ll be in the other summer wonderland of Stamford Connecticut for the SWG analyst briefing we’ve put so much blood, sweat and tears into. At least it’s hunting and striper season when I get home.

Happy Thanksgiving

I’m off to see the family for the rest of the week for the holiday, then will be at the SWG analyst event the following week.  I’ll see many of you there.

MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY, MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.
MAY YOUR POTATOES ‘N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP,
MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS,
MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER
STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.


The Waterproof Cell phone – NOT

My last moving detail was to bring over the fish tank, without killing any fish. This required having them be in a bucket of water for the trip between old and new house. I carefully placed it next to me to avoid any issues, and anticipating the call asking when I’d get home, I got out my cell phone.

I’m sure you can figure out the rest…one quick stop, and cell phone goes for a swim with the fish. Since there was crummy coverage where I live, I switched from Nextel to Sprint to finish out my contract. But I had the Jack Bauer, season 5/Habib Marwan season 4 special which is now a paperweight. Instead, I have a used basic phone to get me to the end of my contract without the extra charges they kill you with.

This is the second phone to take a swim for me, the other went into the bilge in my boat. It didn’t survive either. My son says they need to invent a phone that’s waterproof and Dadproof.

Abbott and Costello on buying a Computer

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help  you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office  in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s  Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy  one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why?  Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a  computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know.  What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind  the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO:  No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track  expenses and run my business.  What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my  office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I  just did.

COSTELLO: You just did  what?

ABBOTT: Recommend  something.

COSTELLO: You recommended  something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT:  Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my  office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I  recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I  already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my  computer and I want to type a proposal.  What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in  Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is  office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for  Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for  windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click  the blue “W”.

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your  blue “w” if you don’t start with some straight answers.  What about  financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money  with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to  track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with  your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my  computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I  get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn’t it  illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us  a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give  you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not?  THEY OWN IT!

(A few days  later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I  help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer  off?

ABBOTT: Click on  “START”………….

If it’s Tuesday, I must be in Paris, no Chatham County

Well, I finally made it. We’re swimming in a sea of boxes of the stuff we’ve collected for decades, despite trying desperately to weed out any unnecessary items for months prior to the move.

It looks like it will take months to fully get moved in. When you’ve moved multiple times and owned multiple houses, you just seem to collect stuff.

I’ll post some before and after pictures just to get a feel for it, but due to DSL (all I can get in the country) downtime, I haven’t been online much. Stay tuned.

Lastly, for the testosterone fix, I’m getting a John Deere Tractor on Thursday, complete with front end loader, 62 inch mower and rotary cutter (bush hog) and tiller.

The Top 50+ Geek T-Shirt Slogans

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.2. COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key

3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.

4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

8. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL

9. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN

10. <——– The information went data way ——–

11. Best file compression around: “DEL .” = 100% compression

12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding

14. The name is Baud……, James Baud.

15. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

16. Access denied–nah nah na nah nah!

17. C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..

19. Why doesn’t DOS ever say “EXCELLENT command or filename!”

20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

21. Southern DOS: Y’all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

22. Backups? We don’ NEED no steenking backups.

23. E Pluribus Modem

24. >… File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?

29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?

30. A computer’s attention span is as long as it’s power cord.

31. 11th commandment – Covet not thy neighbor’s Pentium.

32. 24 hours in a day…24 beers in a case…coincidence?

33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

35. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

36. Who’s General Failure & why’s he reading my disk?

37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.

38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.

39. Shell to DOS…Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS…

40. All computers wait at the same speed.

41. DEFINITION: Computer – A device designed to speed and automate errors.

42. Press — to continue …43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…..

44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…

45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

46. E-mail returned to sender — insufficient voltage.

47. Help! I’m modeming… and I can’t hang up!!!

48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

50. “640K ought to be enough for anybody.” – Bill Gates, 1981

51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

52. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

53. Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

54. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…

55. Go ahead, make my data!

Who said it?

“Here’s my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose.”

“The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.”

“Of the four wars in my lifetime none came about because the U.S. was too strong.”

“I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.”

“The taxpayer: That’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t take the civil service exam.”

“Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.”

“If we ever forget that we’re one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under.”

“I’ve laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it’s in the middle of a Cabinet meeting.”

“It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first. Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”

“Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.”

“No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.”

Billions of Blue Blistering Barnacles, It be Talk Like a Pirate Day.

pirate flag.jpg

Aye maties, it be that time o’ year again, arrrrr. Talk like a pirate day. For you sorry landlubbers, here’s yer video ta learn the proper way to speak.

Time’s takin it’s tole on modern day pirates. The only vessel we’re a sailin’ is a desk. Arrr, the only booty to be raided and pillaged is the supplies treasure chest. Sixteen men an’ a copier mess — yo, ho, ho and a bottle of toner doesn’t stir the scuppers like ye ole days when there were dubloons to fight for.

Things not to do, let yer cell phone or any other treasure fall to the bottom of Davy Jones Locker in the head. Know whether the relief room is on the port or starboard, lest ye risk an embarrasin’ encounter. In a long meeting, don’t be the scurvy who floated the air mead….Save that for the poop deck. Get caught and ye walk the plank.

Avast! A Team Builders meeting off our schedule’s port bow! Scuttle yer productivity, mateys, and prepare to be bored-ed! To arms, me lads! The spoils of the snack machine shall be ours, to each in a fortieth share!Arrrr Scalywags, here’s some links to other pirate logs for tlpd.

Pirate Dictionary.

Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Pirate Day Links.

Real Pirate Info.

Doo Doo Doo – Lookin' Out My Back Door

mybackyard0006.JPG

With all respect to Creedence Clearwater Revival, I work at home and there is a road being constructed in my backyard which has challenged me in a number of ways. I took this picture “out my backdoor”.

You’ll notice that the machine on the right is a compactor which rattles my house as it pounds the dirt, usually about the time I need to make a serious call with an analyst.

Next, I am trying to sell my house and had it on the market for a couple of weeks before they decided that this road needed building. Mind you, I’ve lived in this house for 10 years with no hint of a need for a road. The actual development won’t open for 2 more years so there wasn’t a real rush for it to be now other than bad timing for trying to sell my house and general disruption.

So I’ll wait until they are done and will re-list my house, likely for less than I could have sold it for.

On the positive side, boys like toys and I get to see big toys first hand.   That part is fun.

I also get to view what could be the record for chewing tobacco.  These workers also have an unusually high testosterone level, maybe Floyd Landis could use that defense?

You know you are living in 2006 when…

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the
desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
: )

12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Nature stronger than Man……or the power of Bird Poop

The space shuttle Discovery is pictured on Pad 39B waiting for launch on mission STS-121 at the Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral, Fla., Sunday, July 2, 2006.

The Space Shuttle hasn’t had the best track record of late. Right now, they are doing a visible inspection of the tiles that allow for proper re-entry, protecting the Shuttle from burn up when encountering the atmosphere. If you recall, these tiles fell off the wing of the Columbia when hit by foam on liftoff, ending in disaster.

When comparing the shuttle pictures to those 3 weeks prior to take off, they found white spots on the wing. Presumably in a similar place to where the aforementioned tile problem occurred. Upon closer inspection, it turns out to be bird poop. Having fished next to the shuttle recently, I can verify that there are many birds in this area as it is millions of acres of undisturbed land purchased in the 60’s.

So, the bird poop can survive vicious Florida thunderstorms that delayed the launch numerous times, thrust that can launch the bulk of the shuttle from zero to 17,500 MPH in minutes and make it into space. Maybe they should use bird poop instead of tiles to cover the Shuttle.

Holiday Happenings

Nathan’s hot-dog eating championship:

Takeru Kobayashi defends his title for the 6th year in a row by downing a new world record 53 and 3/4 hot-dogs in 12 minutes, narrowly edging out Joey Chestnut (50 dogs) and maintain his status as the champion eater in the International Federation of Competitive Eating. Sadly for the viewers, there were no “Reversals of Fortune”. There are 17,120 calories, 830 grams of Fat and 24,075 mg of sodium, versus a daily recommended intake of 600 in that many dogs.
Tour de France.

Through 3 stages of the tour, there has been 3 different Maillot Jeunes or yellow jerseys….That’s the leader for NASCAR fans. It will be back and forth until stage 7, the time trial. That’s the first separation of the men vs. the boys. Three riders fell and broke collar bones in today’s stage, the scourge of tour riders.
Muslims rioted in Paris again. Riots, work boycotts, whatever.

The Space Shuttle took off successfully.

Today is my mother’s 83rd Birthday.
And the Webster word of the day is of course, Yankee.

Competitive Eating – an undisputed champion

Editor: It should be duly noted that Joey Chestnut, American has eclipsed Kobayashi as the champion of the world in many categories, especially hot dogs.  While I give Kobayashi credit for making the sport famous, but there always is a bigger fish.  Joey has decimated the other eaters.

Once again, the 4th of July comes around and we have that time honored tradition of patriotism, no wait, fireworks, no wait…..YES, the Nathans hot dog eating championship at Coney Island. I told Steve O’Grady and Teressa Jiminez at RSDC that I’d be blogging this on the 4th of July, but I may not be blogging on a holiday, no one would read it, and how would you know not to miss this if I didn’t give any warning?

Takeru_kobayashi_ab2005.jpg

Of course, the undisputed champion is the waif – Kobayashi from Japan. His streak of winning this contest includes:

  • 2001: 50 hot dogs
  • 2002: 50 1/2 hot dogs
  • 2003: 44 1/2 hot dogs
  • 2004: 53 1/2 hot dogs
  • 2005: 49 hot dogs

He of course has other records including 67 hamburgers in 8 minutes, 83 vegetarian dumplings in 8 minutes, 100 steamed pork buns in 12 minutes, 69 krystal burgers in 8 minutes and 17.7 pounds of cow brains in 15 minutes.

He does it by swallowing the dogs without chewing. He breaks the dog in half, eats it then dunks the bun in water and puts that down.
TakeruKobayashiMaster.jpg

THE COMPETITION:

Kobayashi will be up against other competitive eaters like Eric Badlands Booker ,Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas who put down 37 dogs in her 105 pound frame last year and others who will try and lose to the Michael Jordan of eating. There is an outsider from America, Joey Chestnut who has downed 50 dogs in a qualifier.
DISQUALIFICATION AND HOW TO LOSE:

There is a point in which you can’t eat any more and that is like hitting the wall in the marathon. You just run out of space. Then there is the deadly “REVERSAL OF FORTUNE” in which the contents of your stomach come back to life. When I mentioned this to Steve and Teressa, they both agreed that the word reversal will never be the same and the visual will be with them for the rest of their life.

So, it will be broadcast on ESPN at 12:00 PM on July 4th, don’t miss it. It only lasts 12 minutes, but eating will never be the same for you.

Things you learn about at your Analyst Relations team meetings

A while back at a Software Group analyst relations team meeting, I had the chance to sit next to Barbara E. (last name held by request) and she was lamenting why her husband needed liked to fish so much. I gave a completely logical answer that we men need an outlet at middle age, and fishing is a whole lot better than skirt chasing at the bar scene. In fact, I encouraged her to support her husband to fish more.

Well just before I went to RSDC, I was able to take him out and help her with that generous support of her husbands activities which now includes his very successful website where he is the leading distributor of Chatterbaits. As for fishing? He skunked me from the back of the boat as I had a day of casting practice and he caught all the fish. Here is a picture of Karl with a Roland Martin 8 pounder….SON.

karl fish.JPG

I also learned that another member of the A/R team played tennis for Rollins College and I dated one of her teammates in the 70’s….small world.

Here’s a picture of me on my boat.  Part of Barbara’s question about fishing was, were all of the electronics on the boat necessary?  I answered that I have 3 fishfinders on my boat, so yes they must be necessary.  All is understood now.  Fishing is good for husbands and their wives should support this activity.
john on boat.JPG

I  don’t really remember what we discussed at the meeting regarding analyst relations.

24, The Movie

My favorite TV obsession show, 24 is now being slated for a movie.

This is either good or bad depending on how they do it of course.  The show is compelling because everything is compressed into an hour per episode, so we must assume/accept some things and read between the lines due to time.  Stretching it out allows for more travel between places, more detail (not always a good or interesting thing) and maybe we’ll finally get to see if Jack Bauer actually eats, sleeps or goes to the bathroom.

See the Jack Bauer kill counter by year here.

What I wonder is if it will go back into time where there were some really great characters and villains that would make for a gripping plot enhancement.  Remember the plot is good guys vs. terrorists trying to use weapons of mass destruction (so far we’ve had nukes, chemical weapons and deadly viruses).   President Palmer was great, Nina Myers was someone to really hate…..and so on.
Let’s not forget the pseudo 24 movie – The Sentinel staring Keifer Sutherland and Michael Douglas (I’m not linking to that loser) recently that made as big a splash as a small wave at Waimea Bay, Hawaii. (non surfers, it goes 20 feet high in the winter).

Most movies of TV shows are crappola, like more than half of the Star Trek movies, and I’m a major Trekkie.   Let’s hope for the best.

IED's, explosives and explosive behavior

IED – Improvised Explosive Device

IED – Intermittent Explosive Disorder, better known as road rage.  Just renamed this week.
How can it be that these two have the same acronym?  Maybe it is the result is the same – either death or destruction of property?  I know when I lived in Miami, you had to be very careful about who you got mad at and gave the 1 finger salute to.  Since there are a lot of drug bad guys there, people got shot for road rage.  A lot of cars got run into and a lot of fights happened.
A study was released Monday in the June issue of the Archives of General Psychiatry, funded by the National Institute of Mental Health, and was based on a national face-to-face survey of 9,282 U.S. adults who answered diagnostic questionnaires in 2001-03.   It showed that about 5 percent to 7 percent of the nationally representative sample had the IED disorder, which would equal up to 16 million Americans. That is higher than better-known mental illnesses such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, Coccaro said.

The average number of lifetime attacks per person was 43, resulting in $1,359 in property damage per person. About 4 percent had suffered recent attacks.

Lot’s of people, soldiers and civilians have died because of IED’s in the middle east.   Seems to be a link between the two –  bad guys and a bad attitude.

Now I’ve been as mad as anyone else at someone cutting me off, but I’ve learned that getting mad doesn’t do any good.  But when it happens, some times I wish I had an IED for my IED behavior.

Cutting Comments, The Best Insults

Yes, once again, my blog name gets dissed. First it was Euphemism’s for stupid, now it’s cutting comments by famous people, see below.

A List of Insults from Famous People

A List of Insults from Famous People
“A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults.” -Louis Nizer (1902 – 1994)
1994)

“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” – Winston Churchill

“I’ve just learned about his illness; let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb

“I have never killed a man but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” – Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

“He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul.” – David Lloyd George

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas

“His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open.” – Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable)

“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” – Jack E. Leonard

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” – Abraham Lincoln

“You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.” – Groucho Marx

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” – Robert Redford

“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.” – Thomas Brackett Reed

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” Mark Twain

“A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.” – Mark Twain

“I didn’t attend the funeral but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”- Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

“He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends.”- Oscar Wilde

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts–for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

My inner Geek comes out, video podcasting and tech toys

I’ve always been a techie type. I used to build my own PC’s when you could actually save half the price by doing so, I have tech toys out the wazoo, I’m the only one that can use one of the two surround sound systems I have…and sometimes it erupts like it did this weekend.

It all started at BlackBelt Friday. I was asked to film the performance for a video podcast that will be on iTunes and produced by the same folks that did Karate for ESPN, and got to use a new mini DV Camcorder.
That started the bug. Man I’ve got to get one of these, record right to disk, Carl Zeiss lens and it has a USB 2.0 connection built in.

Then, knowing I have travel ahead of me, went and got an iGo with tips for my phone and ThinkPad with dual power charge at once capability, car and airplane connections also. It also reminded me that I have the same cellphone as Jack Bauer this season of 24, but I had it first.

Then, knowing I needed a backup, I went and got a WD external USB 2.0 hard drive and backed up all my iTunes and data from my ThinkPad. Backed up everything.

It got to be too much, I was ready to go get my pocket protector. It reminded me of the Dilbert strip where the manliness of the engineer was determined by how many accessories he could put on his belt. Just call me poindexter

Well Nancy, that was my shopping this weekend, not Coach or DKNY…again, but I got some satisfaction and I’m on a techie high.

PartnerWorld – Day 3, Leaving Las Vegas


Got up at 4 to get to the airport for an early flight. My favorite thing about Las Vegas is leaving. I’ve been coming here since the early 80’s for computer shows and the thrill is gone. To give you a perspective on how long I’ve been coming, my first recollection is the Comdex where the hot product was a Visicalc replacement named Lotus 1-2-3, then not an IBM SWG middleware division.

I passed the barely awake Barb Darrow of CRN checking out. I also passed a couple of blond beauties who were coming in as I was going out. I wondered if it was the walk of shame as they were carrying their shoes. Other than that, it was just me and the cleaning crew.

I type this from the BK lounge as that’s all that is open at 5:30 am. Since I didn’t smoke, drink or gamble once again, the worst thing I did was eat a grease bomb for breakfast, the first time in years for me.

The people watching is interesting. It’s easy to spot the travel regulars, early hours don’t faze them, they know the routine. It’s easy to tell who is still hung over as they can’t eat. There’s a guy behind me that “only” lost $1000 or so. I think I have better ways to spend that kind of money. The teenager in front of me continues to pick her thong out of uh, the place that it gets stuck, always a pleasant sight.

I don’t get why people bring their kids to Vegas, a theme park is a lot more healthy for their upbringing than the things that go on in this place. I had two professional ladies in my elevator this trip, kids don’t need to be exposed to this.

Back to PartnerWorld, most of the press and analysts are gone, so it’s just the partners that are left. Overall, it was SOA and SVI (channels) with the new PWIN program opening up Research to the partners making most of the news. Overall it was successful, although we should find a way to treat the analysts different from the press. It takes more time as the issues are just deeper and take more than 30 minutes to cover. Alas, it’s the press/analyst center, so like I told my colleagues, if you need more than 30 minutes, do your work prior to the show or go to dinner.

Finally, I always thank God that Las Vegas is in Nevada, a country’s travel away from me in North Carolina.  This way, the scum of the earth that comes to this dump stays away from where I live.

PartnerWorld, the ship is leaving the dock


It seems like I’m obsessed with comparing IBM to ships, but it was only coincidental in analogies, but it may be truer than I thought.

Organizing the PartnerWorld event is like taking a cruise. You have to make your plans, reservations, decide which 30 of 5000 things you can do and work with a gigantic company to schedule it all. We’re far enough along with the planning (which started last year) that they are loosening the mooring ropes to set sail. Oh yeah, and it’s in Vegas, a minor distraction.

Internally at IBM, it is a coordination effort that makes the trip to the moon look like a trip to the store. It’s hard enough to do an event within your own brand, but cross many brands, include a bunch of high powered execs and it’s more like scheduling a trip for the UN, everyone is the president of their country.

We have to somehow mash schedules for the same executives for Press, Analysts and oh yeah, Partners….this is PartnerWorld. It is a logistics nightmare with most being real team players, but some are not. The prep meetings number in the hundreds with various players with topics ranging from booth duty to 1:1’s to chart prep, signage, getting hand held devices.

So in the end, we have to make it look seamless to the participant that they come in, pick up their schedule and somehow the meeting with an IBM’r comes off as if it were nothing, and all the while we are scheduling over ten thousand meetings with people from different countries, different agendas, different companies, somewhere near a thousand meeting rooms and it is a coordination masterpiece. We figure out what’s more important, SaaS, SOA, AJAX, LAMP, ISV….wait I almost have a Meeting Bingo

It’s a wonder how this ever gets done, but in the end the partners meet up and get ahead by working with us. We really have some great programs and getting people to understand and use them is a real asset to the partners. We’ve reviewed our progress with any number of analysts and we have in place what will help partners and make us a better company to work with. I’ll list them on another blog….someday.

Also, if you’re an analyst, you’ll get there, your meetings will be set and you won’t know the hell we went through negotiating the time with each other to make it happen. Everyone wants to talk to the same folks, that we make it happen is in insurance terms, is an act of God.

Shocking Demographics

I sit hear blogging on Sunday afternoon while watching the Bassmasters Championship , later today I’m going to be watching NASCAR. I find this press release on my RSS feeder where I track both (to my employer, I only check these after work, I’m busy with only analyst relations issues 100% of the time): Racing Car Industry and Pro Fishing Have One Thing in Common — Fresh Fish TV about a new Fishing channel.

Great, all I need is another channel, but heck, last week on my – You know you’re a Redneck Calendar was if you tape fishing shows….which is what I’m watching as I type (ok it’s TIVO, but I was at church).

The killer was this line in the press release, “One thing the producer’s of the Fresh Fish TV show realized is that fishing market demographics are very much the same as NASCAR.” They go on to state that the fishing industry is a 41 billion dollar industry. I don’t know the facts on NASCAR, but I’m betting it’s twice that. That’s more than a lot of countries.

Let’s see, here’s a list of some demographics between the two, I wonder if you can draw any conclusions here.

Fishing is the largest participant sport there is with over 45 million fishermen (not sexist, a woman is a fisherman also), Racing had 19 of the top 20 spectator events last year.
Both take place outside
Both are predominantly Southern oriented
Both are family oriented
Both fan bases are patriotic
Both fan bases are loyal to country
Both fan bases are loyal to sponsors
Most fisherman like to hunt
Most race fans like to hunt
Both handle a GPS with the ease of a fork
Bar-b-que is a staple
Both understand meteorology and know how weather affects performance
Both like big motors that go fast
Both could survive without a grocery store
Both drink a lot of beer (not the drivers, at least when they are doing their job)
Sponsors are crucial
They know how to make big money (some discount these two as a redneck crowd, but the winner of today’s tournament picks up $500 thousand for winning, another $1-2 mil in sponsorship, Jimmy Johnson won $2.4 million for the Daytona 500 last week, not chump change).
Fishing TV ratings are on the increase
Racing TV ratings are not only on the increase, but are passing most other sports (advertisers are not lost on this fact at all)
Fishing competitors are fan friendly (no fights in the crowd or dissing the fans)
Racing competitors are fan friendly

So they find that there’s a similarity between the demographics? How could that be?

If it's Tuesday, I must be in Paris, No, make that San Francisco

Here I am in San Francisco looking out over the bay waiting for a cross IBM meeting on SaaS. This is a big issue for us so this is a big Pow-Wow. They’ve brought together the technical, marketing, p/r, a/r and executives to map out our yearly activities.

I go to a thousand meetings, most of which cover a lot of topics. This one is special, so take from it that it’s IMPORTANT to us. More on that in later blogs.

I’m going to be on the road a lot until April, so I’ll try to post what we’re up to. There’s a big target on PartnerWorld the week of March 13.

On another note, IDC rated our developerWorks program number one (tied with Microsoft) which is good for us as we have only had the program for 5 years, and Microsoft has been in the game for 15 years.

Finally, I sat next to a fellow trekkie on one of my connecting links, so instead of climbing into my travel cocoon, I actually had a pleasant plane conversation.

The Dynamics of Working at a Home office

A few years back, there was a request from management stating a lack of office space, requesting volunteers to transfer to working from home. I had my hand in the air like Arnold Horschack from Welcome Back Kotter was standing first in line.

Not that working at home is a big issue, rather it’s the discussions I have with others on their views of the subject. It invariably is the same conversation centering around whether they could do it or not and why. These subjects tell me two things immediately. Whether they are extroverts or introverts, and what are their pet sins.

Extroverts (as expected) speak up first with pretty much the same thought. I have to be around other people. It is caged in different words like, I need to have chit-chat, I want to know the office gossip, I get ideas from others or the general I need to be with my team. I will admit there are times that you can have hall meetings to get something done informally that is effective.

The introverts say I can get my job done better without the distractions and I contact the others with email, vmail, IM and phone enough to get my job done. Those that know me know that I’m absolutely the last person to ask if you want to know office gossip, most of it goes past me for reasons ranging from I don’t notice some things (one co -worker dyed her hair blonde 3 weeks before I noticed) to I really just don’t care what they did at the mall over the weekend. They also say I don’t miss the commute or the traffic (me here).

I’ve run it to both types who are very effective at their jobs and those who are lumps like Walley over there. I hear two things about working at home, I can’t leave my work alone and wind up working more because I’m at home and can’t leave it alone or……….

I couldn’t work at home because of my pet SIN!!!!!!!

The most common sins are:

  1. I’d eat too much
  2. I’d watch too much TV
  3. I’d do housework
  4. My kids keep me from working (small kids, before they go to school, then you have to look for another excuse)
  5. I’d be a slob and never leave my pajama’s (I haven’t figured out the problem here)

So here’s the bottom line. You have to work at home like it was your office (except the chit-chat). You need to be disciplined, organized, dedicated and work like your boss is watching over you. We’re grown up’s here that have a job to do and a sense of responsibility to get it done.

You should be able to contact me and not know whether I’m in a cube, big corner office or at home in my sweats. As Larry the cable guy would tell you, Git-R-done.

Grocery shopping observations and comedy

I’ll state up front that Dave Barry should have written this, because I just can’t do it proper justice, but here goes.

I love going to the grocery store, not just because I get to buy stuff to eat, but it’s a people show extraordinaire. I pretty much hate shopping, it’s go get what I need and get out like most real guys. But the grocery store is different.

I first noticed that I liked going back when I lived in South Florida, where I spent most of my single years. People would get dolled up to go to the mall, out to dinner, the movies, anywhere. But ask them to go to the store and they’ll put anything on, anytime of day. I’ve seen some cuties that looked like death warmed over picking up something to eat. There was of course, some making the walk of shame picking up eats or coffee on the way home early in the morning.

Since it was South Florida, there were a few phenomenons. If you went to the store by the beach, people would shop in their bathing suits. Being a normal single male (walking hormone) at that time of my life, this made for quite a bit of entertainment. I’ll make only passing comments here about liking the frozen aisle.

The other phenomena there is that there were a lot of old retired cranky people, mostly moved down from New York which made for endless shopping entertainment. Where I lived in Delray Beach, they used to bus them in from the retirement villages, either Kings Point or Century Village, affectionally known as cemetery village. They’d hit the Publix en mass and raise the level of complaining to new highs. I varied between going to see this almost like going to a sporting event, and avoiding it because it could really grind on you. These folks could spend 30 minutes complaining to the manager about a 5 cent increase in the price of anything. If there was an advertised special, they moved faster to get there than the rest of the year, except maybe to the bathroom after prune breaks. Hitting each other with their shopping carts was hilarious until it happened to me. I politely informed the person that if they did it again, they’d wind up in the meat section.

You can tell pretty much the state of life they are in by what’s in their cart. The college kids usually had health food like cheez-its for breakfast, a frozen pizza and a case or two of beer, real cheap beer like old Milwaukee, Busch, Pabst or Schlitz when it was available. Young couples would have 40 cans of baby food and diapers. Middle age had progressively healthier food, the elderly’s had prune juice and polident.

The time of day that you shopped will vary the crowd also. The moms running households dominate the morning, Working moms and dads are on Saturday mornings. The folks picking up something for dinner after work are regulars from 5-7 PM. Anywhere from 10 PM on, especially are the partiers. Anyone after 10 in the twinkie aisle had the munchies.

Who don’t you want to see at the grocery store? Anyone you know usually, especially someone from work. Unless you’re already lunch buddies, the level of uncomfortableness increases dramatically with how far away they are from your cube. What’s really embarrassing is someone you know and forgot their name. People duck down the quickest escape route to avoid conversation like there was a nerve gas explosion for this one. I find it especially rewarding to see someone I know who looks like death warmed over at the store, but they spend extra time to be dolled up at work. I’ll always make it a point to say hello, even when I wouldn’t want to talk. One person whose name I’ll not mention does have her hair always perfect, I can’t figure this out. My son’s kindergarten teacher told us at orientation that seeing someone at the store was her least favorite place to see a parent as she would have to run down the kid’s behavior.

Back to South Florida, seeing someone you work with in a bathing suit at the store was like a touchdown and an extra point for me. Invariably, they acted like they were naked in public for which I got endless pleasure.

It’s a lot different now that I live in North Carolina and am married and running a household. It’s a contest to see if you can hit double or triple coupon day to see how much you can save. The old people are different here also. I heard the other day, “please get in front of me, you have a baby and I’m not in that big a hurry”.

Also, as I’ve mentioned, I have a dog, and we have to pick up the output when we take her for a walk. Only plastic (not paper) works for that. Since she goes for a walk about 20 times a day, we need a big supply of bags. So its always a struggle to get as many bags as possible for this while the store tries to cram every item you buy into as few as possible.

And about me, think I care what I look like? Think again. I’ll put on jeans and a hat and it’s off to funland, hunting for co-workers. Too bad we live inland now.

A Crappie day after a Crappy week

This Fish is a Crappie

I could have done with out the events of this week, so I took some time to recouperate. That was why I didn’t post the last couple of days….

First things first. I got to hear about a report where our programs finished a gnats toenail behind another Software company (rhymes with Lycrosoft) and I got to spend the better part of 3 days figuring out why we didn’t know it was happening. As it turns out, the analyst group “forgot” to notify us, but admitted they should have, of the 2 analyst relations reps that covered this report, one retired and the other moved out of a/r 6 months ago, so guess who got left holding the “garbage” bag……moi.

So I needed something to take my mind off of one of the worst weeks I’ve had in a while by doing two of the things I like, Fishing and Martial Arts. Friday went to Judo class and threw some people around (O Goshi, Uki Goshi, Hane Goshi, Harai Goshi and Ju No Kata) and got thrown some also. I felt a little better.

Today I went to the I went to the Raleigh Bass and Saltwater Fishing Expo . This next sentence is for Nancy and Steve. I went shopping and it was at a fishing show.

Anyway, I got a new Crappie pole that I can’t wait to try out as they’ll be biting soon.

Next week will be better, it could only go one way after last week…I hope. Anyway, I’ll have a great interview with Doug Heintzman who will expound on Research, ODF, Software Group and some other really interesting things….don’t miss it.

Went to the Rodeo, here are some real cowboys (with sore butt's)


Last night, I took my family to the rodeo, the World’s Toughest Broncs and Bulls championship tour. Good wholesome family fun, and more pairs of Wangler Jeans,
Justin Boots, big belt buckles and John Deere/camo-huntin’/fishin’/
Stetson Hats in one place than any Outdoor store. Boy did I feel at home.

Talking about culture, the jeans all fit where they should have rather than the prison girlfriend barely hanging on for dear life oversized tent pants that you see glorified on TV/video’s/movies and in high schools.

What a hoot! Bareback and saddle bronc busting,


Barrel racing by Cowgirls,

and the longest 8 seconds of life – Bull riding.

We’ve always had a love affair with Cowboys, and these were the real thing, not the farce that the recent movie Brokeback Mountain has tried to portray. The announcer joked about this movie and killed the crowd with laughter. They knew the truth. This was a packed house of families having a ton of fun. We sure did.

From the looks of these shots, there are some sore cowboys and backsides today. This was a competition tour for money, but think back to the old west when they had to break horses and herd cattle to live. Today, we’re desk jockey’s.

Here are some Cowboy facts, more of us could use these:

1. They were never looking for trouble.

2. But when trouble came, they faced it with courage.

3. They were always on the side of right.

4. They defended good people against bad people.

5. They had high morals.

6. They had good manners.

7. They were honest.

8. They spoke their minds and they spoke the truth,
regardless of what people thought or “political correctness,”
which no one had ever heard of back then.

9. They were a beacon of integrity in the wild, wild West.

10. They were respected. When they walked into a saloon
(where they usually drank only sarsaparilla),
the place became quiet, and the bad guys kept their distance.

11. If in a gunfight, they could outdraw anyone. If in a fist fight, they could beat up anyone.

12. They always won. They always got their man. In victory, they rode off into the sunset.

Geneology, IBM in the news

DNA Test Helps Build Common Family Tree

This doesn’t have anything to do with analyst relations today, it’s more a thought for the day. A while back, I asked a mensa question on my blog before I left for vacation. A few guessed at it but no one got the answer. Before I go on, here it is again to let you think about it.

What is the meaning of life, give three examples. The answer will be below.

Well it turns out that through DNA studies, it appears that we are linked to a common ancestor. As stated in the article, Spencer Wells of the genographic project says that people want a sense of their ancestry, a fair statement. At some point in life, we all wonder if who we are related to, and if it is to anyone who was meaningful.

Whether you subscribe to creationism or evolution, if you go back to the origin, according to this article, we are related to each other albeit remotely….. an interesting thought.

So it gets to the specific questions that most ponder, who am I, where did I come from and where am I going when I die?

So much for pontificating, now the answer to the mensa question. It’s a joke that they (I’m not mensa, I just like to poke fun in general, and they are an easy target) like to pose to others.

Note from Santa Claus

Got a note from Santa recently, please read:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer
serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina,
Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract
was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of
the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies
so keep that in mind.

However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with
your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering
toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences
between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from
Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that
reads: “These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.”

2.Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And
Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
empty spit can handy.

3.Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.

4.You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..” when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on
Elliott and Petty.”

5.”Ho, Ho, Ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you
also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I her’d dat!”

6.As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does
have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back Off.”

7.The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th
Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your
negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas”
and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and
dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure
you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus

The New Analyst Relations Lineup/Scorecard

Get out your scorecards, we’re making some changes in the lineup here at SWG A/R.

Who’s on first?

Sarita Torres replaces Dave Liddell as the Director of SWG A/R, new manager.
Glenn Hintze replaces Nancy Riley at AIM, batting first
Mike Bizovi replaces Sarita at IM, batting second
Amy Loomis replaces Mike Bizovi in Cross Brand, batting third
Diane Flis replaces Amy Loomis in Rational, batting cleanup
Don Neely replaces Diane Flis in Lotus, batting fifth
Patty Rowell gets promoted to Manager of Tivoli, batting sixth.

Nancy Riley got traded to another team, Manager of SWG aquisitions.

So, this is the perfect time to call your new brand manager and congratulate them on their new assignment, and offer help to them to get their job done.

Like I said in my first ever email closing, change is the only thing that stays the same.

Yeah, and it's deep too


Richard Pryor 1940-2005. One of the true trailblazers in the comedy profession. Numerous comedians benefitted from his routines and the new ground that he broke.

He also fought several personal demon’s, but who has had a life paved with gold the whole way. It was from those demons and the personal struggles that some of his funniest sketches came from. Like the time he shot his car, or when he ran down the street on fire. Most of us would never want anyone knowing how we had fallen down, but Pryor made us laugh at it because the way he told it was hilarious.

He also broke down many racial barriers, poking fun at everyone, again in a way that was as ingenious as it was true.

A lot of people have him to thank for the careers that they have now. Me, I had a lot of laughs.

Today's blog in binary

I’ve been holding this one for a while now. I’m posting the rest of this blog in binary code. Here is the link for translation.
Binary coder/decoder

01110111011001010110001101101111011011010110010100100000011101000110111100100000
0110110101111001001000000110100001101111011011100110111101110010011010010110111001100111
01100111011001010110010101101011011001000110111101101101

010010000110111101110000011010010110111001100111
0111100101101111011101010010000001100110011010010110111001100100
01110011011010010110110101101001011011000110000101110010
01110111011000010111100101110011001000000111010001101111
0110001001100101
0110100101101110011101000110010101110010011001010111001101110100011010010110111001100111

0111011101101000011011110010011101110011
011000010010000001100111011001010110010101101011
01101110011011110111011100111111

Sayings by Will Rogers

Here are some very interesting rules to live by. Don’t think you have to be a cowboy to read this. Number 4 has worked best for me.

1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman…neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put
it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the
electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.
10. If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every
now and then to make sure it’s still there.
11. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n
puttin’ it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he
started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot
him.
The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER…

First – Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying
about your age and start bragging about it.
Second – The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in
line for.
Third – Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I
want people to know “why” I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and
some of the roads weren’t paved.
Fourth – When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to
youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth – You know you are getting old when everything either dries
up or leaks.
Sixth – I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to
the top.
Seventh – One of the many things no one tells you about aging is
that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth – One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day
has been.
Ninth – Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth – Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft. Today it’s called golf.

And finally – If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t
have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Today's quiz

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the “Peanuts” comic strip. You don’t have to actually answer the questions Just read the e-mail straight through, and you’ll get the point.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for best actor and actress.

6. Name the last decade’s worth of World Series winners.

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners .

Here’s another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with .

The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care .

Cheeburger, Cheeburger, Pepsi, Chips



This weekend marked the opening of a new restaurant near us – Cheeburger, Cheeburger…just like from the Saturday Night Live skit.

Cheeburger review in the Paper

More information and menu found here:

Cheeburger.com

My daughter works for the investement company Silverdeer Investments that is opening 22 of these restaurants in the area. Our whole family and a friend was there, as was the mayor of Apex, Keith Weatherly for the pre-opening event.

It was great food, good fun and looks like it will be a big hit in the area.

I’ll have a cheeburger, chips, pepsi….no coke

Updated meeting bingo words

I guess it originally was called BS bingo. Some of the oldies were end to end, best of breed, bottom line…you remember the game.

I’ve been in over 100 meetings and presentations by us and to us and I’ve got a new list. Feel free to comment with popular words that I may have missed.

Integration
Enable
Leverage
Optimize
Execute
Service Levels
Lifecycle
Infrastructure
Capacity
Workload
Deployment
Feedback
Collaborative
Legacy
Validate
Governance
Best Practice
Interactive
Roadmap
Component
Encapsulation
Throughput
Instantiate

And for the center box, the star is any acronym, SOA, XML, WSDL SOAP, SODA, SOBA, AJAX, PHP, LAMP….any will do.

What happened to my handwriting? I can't wait for Star Trek/Jetsons to get here

I took notes by hand at yesterday’s SOA event in Richmond. When I came back, I paid some bills by check. After I checked both, it occurred to me that I might be a Doctor with the state of my handwriting skills.

What happened? Well, it never was that great. I always admired the handwriting by the girls that was neat and always the same throughout their papers (and the same as all the other girls, unexplainable to me). I on the otherhand scratched out my papers, but as I’ve said before, most of what I do proficiently is by repetition rather than talent. My wife will take exception to my remote control skills which came to me naturally.

The reality of it is that I’m getting older, but I’m also typing most things. I take notes typing, IM, blog, shop, pay bills, balance my checkbook….all by computer. So discounting the age thing, I’m not getting as much practice as I used to and it shows..This is where I’m going to place the blame.

Which brings me to the second point of the title, I can’t wait for voice technology to be able to talk my input. Those that know me know I’m not a gabber, but when I say something, I usually mean to say it and I have a point most of the time (my son disagrees, but he’s a teenager so that explains a lot). I’d like to have the option to speak my input and have it come out correctly. I’m not going to digress to current voice capabilities, I know it will get to where it needs to be.

So back to the age thing. My hands aren’t getting any younger either, talking my input will save some wear and tear unless they invent an arthritis drug before I die.

I want to be able to speak to the computer like Mr. Spock or George Jetson to have it do my work. Computer, analyze the data samples from Rigel 4 and compare it to our dilithium crystals…..

For now, I hope that the credit card company can read my check.

Live long and prosper.

gone fishin – final parting shots

I’m leaving to go on vacation for a week. If you know me, even in the least, you know I’ll work fishing into it. This time I’m taking my sister who hasn’t fished in 30 years or so.

I’ve asked some folks to be ready with interviews when I get back so I’ll have some content.

So my parting shot is not just fishing pictures(pun intended), it’s my favorite Mensa question. Take a guess at it in the comments below, I’ll identify the winner when I get back.

Question: What is the meaning of Life. Give three examples.

No one at IBM will get this, there aren’t any that qualify for Mensa outside of me anyway.

When you’re hot, you’re hot

What’s the saying, if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen? We’ll not us.

Right now, some of the hottest industry issues are falling into our lap. In no order, SOA has a lot going on, Maturing workforce issues and the ISV ecosystem heat up the fire. I know Lotus 7.0 is out there, but I’m hoping an upcoming interview with Ed Brill is going to cover that. Tivoli is active too, so I was harassing the a/r manager to be an interview so he can tell you what’s up. Don?

The SOA crowd has been full steam ahead lately (wish it was still talk like a pirate day , could use some lingo here). Nancy Riley’s team has been pumping out the work like banshee’s. This subject if executed properly by the industry can have a life of its own, and it’s only the tip of the iceberg. I know this as I discovered in tangential conversations with analysts, I’ve heard that many things can be a service like compliance and CRM, and that wrapping services around packaged applications is an issue.

Next is the Maturing Workforce dilemma. If you recall, the last presidential campaign told us that a lot of boomers are coming up on retirement. These are the guys and gals that brought us through the age of hardware/software/bandwidth/innovation/devices and you name it we can’t do without today. That’s a lot of skills and experience which are maturing. IBM has its’ act together and has a plan. All you have to do is read about this and you’ll see that issues dealing with transition to accessibility are covered. I’ve heard from no less than Amy Wohl that we have a story here.

Ah, and my burner, the ISV ecosystem. For some reason, recent acquisitions seem to have skewed the thought that if you don’t buy an applications company, you can’t play in the game. Guess what, the numbers aren’t supporting that story. I’ll let the statisticians tell you how much share CRM and ERP have in the application ecosystem, but for sake of this argument, I’m going with 15-20%. That leaves 80% or more to the rest of the applications out there.

So instead of buying a company just to keep up with the jones’, we’re sticking with our partners instead of competing with them. When it comes time to show up at the customer, we’re not going to be bringing our own application, we’re bringing the ISV Partner. We’re giving them programs and advertising buckaroos to help them.

Oh, and did I mention that we have the IBM sales force helping ISV’s?

So things are hot, and we’re in the middle of it, right where we should be.

A Long Day, and my Exhaust

Actually, it’s been 2 long days. I’m on a task that’s critical to our partner program and strategy. Why we’re doing what we’re doing and not out buying companies is making more sense to me every time we speak to analysts. Look for more on this topic in a couple of days. I’m hoping the analysts out blog me on this.

Between that and trying to fix the template on my blog site, it’s been a long couple of days. Although I didn’t realize it, my blogs are longer than I imagined, so I picked a different template that will allow for more text to be read on one screen. While doing this, i messed up all my RSS feeds and links and it took a day to fix. The good news is Ed Brill found it for me and I fixed it. The real good news is that he agreed to an interview, so I can’t wait to get that out as it seems the interviews are well received.

Now for the lighter side. My wife borrowed my truck to help a friend move. I recently had to replace the exhaust and being the Redneck that I am, I bought the loudest one I could find. The mechanic told me, “you won’t be sneaking up on anyone now”. Anyway, my wife’s friend completes the story and makes my day when my wife started up the truck to leave. Her friend says, you’re exhaust is really loud, maybe it’s broken. Life was good at that moment for me.

I know the New Yorkers deduct IQ points from southerners for stuff like this, but this goes back to an earlier post on why it’s good to be a guy. We get to play with toys all our life.

Arrrr, Avast me Hearties, it be talk like a Pirate Day

Ahoy Maties, September 19 be talk like a pirate day. Be ye arrr, a liver lillied land lubber, or the scurvy of the sea, today’s yer day.

Arrr, as another pirate, named after ye ole food line, Jimmy Buffet lamented, me occupational hazard is me occupation’s just not around. Arrr, it be 200 years since pirates sailed the seven seas.

So, be off to yer office with ya then. Grab a yard arm and beat yer obnoxious cellmate in the next cubicle. Revolt and keel haul the scum that be tormenting the office.

Shiver me timbers, it be yo ho ho and a bottle of rum, 15 men on a dead man’s chest. Find yer buried treasure in ye old pile of paperwork.

If any of these mild pirate duties be too much for yer yellow belly, or ya thinks ya might be fired fer carrying on in the office, at least ya can talk like a pirate…

Arrr!

Steve, we've got your Hotel room confirmed, or now I know blogging is fully mainstream

We’re holding a blogging roundtable in NYC with some analysts, interesting IBM’ers and academia. I have the analyst portion. These events are in the realm of cool when you hear what’s being said and people that will be there.

Normally in the course of communications, we confirm with email, voicemail or conversations. This is not possible for one of the analysts who is on the road right now. I’ve left every way I know as to how to reach him, but travel prohibits contact right now.

So I call his colleague (James) in hopes of him contacting Steve first. Then the revelation hits home when James tells me, just put it on your blog, he might read that first.

So here it is. STEVE, WE GOT YOUR HOTEL AND CONFIRMATION. PLEASE CHECK THE NOTE I SENT FOR THE DETAILS

So blog before email? a new paradigm?

Boxer Rebellion


No, its not what you think.

I work at home, and I have a dog. She’s pretty much a lump most of the day, except of course when an analyst calls, at which point phantom bad guys appear outside of the door. This happens like clockwork destroying any sense of professionalism I try to have when speaking on the phone. She then loses her mind and barks like someone is trying to steal our house.

Top of the list in terms of barking veracity are the Fed-Ex/UPS delivery guys. She can hear these trucks leaving the loading dock 100 miles away, and knows when they are going to drive on our street. Next are sirens, which is funny as she stands on her hind legs and howls like a wolf, I still chuckle. Then there are the “garbage stealers” who come once a week and take our valuable discards along with the neighbor’s trash. Finally, the kids come home from school happy as clams about mid afternoon and yell and scream. This is good for a maintenance bark or two, nothing like UPS.

How do animals have this kind of timing? I dunno, it’s like kids who can embarrass you at the most inappropriate times with the things the can say.

I’ve had pets all my life….dogs, cats, fish, frogs and some other gross/slimey creatures I found on the way home from school. I love my dog, even if she doesn’t have the best sense of timing. I have an aquarium full of fish, they don’t make as much noise when I get phone calls, but then they don’t love me back or lick my face as much as my dog.

Back to IBM, creative vacation scheduling

As we come to the Labor Day break (at least here in the States) it’s time for some to take time off. So, I though I’d comment on it to lighten up from the news of the world.

I’ve worked here for a number of years, more now than any other company, but it’s still the 8th company I’ve been employed by. In no other company has the scheduling of vacation been as creative as here. I’ve observed a number of trends.

First, let’s note that you start with 3 weeks vacation. My first job entitled me to 1, so it was precious to me. I had to plan to get the most out of it a broke new hire could get. The old schoolers here get European quantity time for vacation, so there is lots to play with.

The first trend I’ll call the “creative” schedulers. They always save their time by working around a holiday to “save days”. It’s a pretty good scheme. One can extend the time you have by adding the public holidays to your time off.

The other side of the coin I’ll call the “avoiders”. They purposely work while the “creatives” are off. This way the miss the creatives both coming and going. To them, it’s like getting 2 vacations even though one of them is taken at the office. Not that they goof off, they just get to avoid either people or craziness, and seem to enjoy it. I’ll give you an example, things slow down before a public holiday and it can take time to crank up right after, so the workload can be less. Conversely, let me point out that with fewer people in the office, if the brown hits the fan, guess who has to cover and let the scrambling begin.

The next category is the “travelers”. This one is not unique to any company or country. It’s what it sounds like, tacking vacation on to a business trip to enjoy a place you might not travel too. Let’s see, if you take time off with a business trip, over a public holiday it’s a twofer. Take your family and it’s really a good deal.

Then there are the “Fridays”. These are the folks that will take every Friday of say August or December off and work 4 day weeks for a month, guess they aren’t making plans to travel overseas that year. Tough to do in 3 days and see anything.

So pick you strategy and enjoy. For those that work hard, time off is good to recharge the batteries.

Finally, over the course of my employment at various companies, I’ve observed some that are like Wally in Dilbert. They are mostly on vacation whether at work or away. Ever worked with one of those?

Demolition Derby, a cultural overload

So I went to the Regional Extreme demolition derby with my son tonight. It was an overdose of cultural input.

The people watching was the best part, until the derby began. It was a sea of camouflage, Dale Jr. phones and tatoo’s….with a below normal count of teeth. It was a redneck’s dream for girls. Most were wearing clothes analogous to packing 10 pounds of manure in a 5 pound bag.

As for the rest of the audience, smoking was required, and most worked in construction or at a garage repairing cars. Weldon Welding sponsored many of the cars. The funniest part was when a Nextel walkie talkie went off, 50 people went for their phone…me too.

But when the race began, all was forgotton and all eyes and cheers were focused on cars smashing each other until only one was left running. In other words, spectacular.

All this heat, smoke, bugs, and to top it off, we were there too, and had a great time. Father and son