False advertising, Ci dovrebbe essere una Ferrari lì
Captain Obvious On This One
And so it continues, happily ever after.
The Other Answer To The Great Over/Under Toilet Paper Debate
I’d never thought of this one.
Star Wars Humor – Grilling Style, With a Tie Fighter
I never liked Anakin
Sarcasm – Don’t Go Down That Road If You Are A Man
Lorena Bobbitt comes to mind. I’m pretty sure it was a female that was in charge of this one.
High IQ Humor – Marvel Style
I was always Team Captain America anyway.
This is my 2000th post, although WordPress lost a couple of years of my stuff when I migrated from Blogger.
I promised the ladies I’d get to husbands. Enjoy and share with your girlfriends.
Funny how the size of the brain is described here
Wile E. Coyote Sighting
Still one of the best cartoons ever.
stolen from Knuckledraggin
High IQ Humor – Ichthyology, Electricity (and high on weed) Style
High is a double entendre on this one.
I had no other theme for the day. Don’t fret ladies, I’ll get to men next week. It’s just that there is a lot fewer of these.
thanks to Woosterman for the last 2
The Police’s First Hit Song, In A Meme
You don’t have to sell your body in the night.
Harvard scholars: Marriage makes women happier and healthier – Yes, but it makes their husbands way more miserable
First of all, it is a study from Harvard, the most overrated study hall in the country. Since it only talks about the girls, it’s only half of the story, so I’ll fill in the details.
There is no making girls happy. If they are, it won’t last long and the next crisis has already left the train station and is arriving soon. That means the husbands are taking the toll on this one. Men don’t have a chance unless you totally don’t give a shit when she’s mad (This guys is the key to marriage)
Here is an excerpt and a link below, but I discount everything Harvard says as their woke policies have bred mediocrity.
Married women ‘had lower risk of cardiovascular disease, less depression and loneliness, were happier and more optimistic, and had a greater sense of purpose and hope’
Marriage positively affects women’s mental and physical health, which can lead to long-term health benefits, according to a recent study published in the journal Global Epidemiology.
Led by a team of Harvard researchers, the study examined over 11,830 American female nurses who took different marital pathways and assessed how their lives turned out over a 25-year span.
It found that those who got married “had lower mortality, lower risks of cardiovascular diseases, greater psychological wellbeing and less psychological distress,” the study’s summary states.
Moreover, researchers found that those who got divorced or separated had “greater psychosocial distress, and possibly greater risks of mortality, cardiovascular diseases, and smoking.”
Ying Chen, a research associate with the Human Flourishing Program at the Harvard Institute for Quantitative Social Science, told The College Fix in an email this week that “Marriage remains an important source of social support for many people.”
“Our results are consistent with the existing literature suggesting that, on average, [marriage] contributes to better health and wellbeing,” Chen said.
I bet the husband’s cardiovascular health went down the toilet because there is no report on that from Harvard.
I’m guessing the men are now drinking a whole lot more.
Don’t forget the joke about why Jewish men die early, they want to.
Cinco De Mayo, Uh Oh
High IQ Humor – Temperature Style
Since my most clicked on post ever is Euphemisms for Stupid, I like this one. That post sat on top of Google at #1 for years as the list of how to call someone stupid.
More On Marriage
Yep, this guy is fucked for a while. Men like sports. Shopping isn’t a sport.
At least Al Bundy got it right on shoes. Oh wait, this isn’t PC anymore. I hope some snowflake doesn’t experience any micro aggression.
High IQ Humor – Mountain Style
Perhaps not the highest IQ on this one, but it’s as good as it’s going to get as I’m running low on content.
May The Fourth Be With…Well, Not Everyone
I think they can’t see or there is some defect in the clones. Storm Troopers went from deadly, murderous villains doing the work of the evil Lord Vader, to the 3 stooges who couldn’t hit Han Solo or Luke in a hallway a few feet wide in the prison cell.
It went downhill from there.
Wile E. Coyote Sighting
I’m looking for an ACME box somewhere as he hits wall
Star Trek Humor
No way the guy that named the streets wasn’t a Trekkie. There are days I wish I had his job.
stolen from Woosterman.
Most want to kill the other at some point, some more than others
High IQ Humor – Chemistry Style
When your formula is cubed. It’s a kids favorite, almost every time.
In Case You Need A Lawyer For More Than 4 Hours, You Might As Well Get Strong, Dick Strong
I don’t even know if this is real, but if it is he’s clever. Medically, it’s called priapism.
Department Of Redundancy Department, Repeat
I guess some people don’t get it the first time.
High IQ Humor – Pet Style
This is the most obvious question, something kids are great at.
Bastards, April Fools
This would be cruel, unless I did it.
Murphy’s Mother’s Laws
Another long lost post.
Murphy’s mothers laws
- Mothers only offer advice on two occasions: when you want it and when you don’t..
- A mother’s love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper.
- Your mother is the only person that knows more about you than you know about yourself.
- Any time you are unable to solve a problem, ask your mother. She probably won’t know either, but she will fake it.
- Maternal instinct is stronger than any force known except an IRS collection agent.
- The more you try to stay on your mother’s good side the harder it will be to figure out which side this is.
- The nicer a mother is, the greater the probability that her kids are rotten.
- If you can’t remember whether or not you called your mother, you didn’t.
- The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you.
- If you forget, mom will remind you of all your mistakes so you don’t repeat them.
- Anything you do can be criticized by your mother – even doing nothing.
- Never criticize your mother’s cooking if you expect to get any more of it.
- If you think you have any secrets from your mother, remember who has changed your diapers.
- You can’t “out mother” your mother. Don’t even try.
- Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it.
- The harder you try to hide something from your mother, the more she resembles a webcam.
- The older you are, the more you feel like a child around your mother.
- All mother’s have a “How To” manual. That’s because they wrote the book.
- Mother’s way is best. If you don’t believe it, ask her.
- Everything is a good idea till you mother finds out and tells you why it isn’t.
- One mother is company, two is a psychic reading, three is a hen party, four is a bridge club.
- If you don’t have time to study the drivers’ manual, drive your mother somewhere and get a quick refresher course.
- When you are broke, ask mom for a loan. She will help you remember what you wasted all your money on.
- The more expensive the gift you give your mother, the longer she will “save” it before she uses it.
- No matter how wrong you are, your mother will not hold it against you. She may remind you a number of times, but she will not hold it against you.
- No matter how much you eat, you can never get so fat that mother will not offer you more food.
- If a mother does not have an item, she will have the recipe or the directions.
- The more times mother reminds you to take an umbrella, the greater the probability of rain.
- Accomplishments are made possible by your mother – failures are your own fault.
- Never forget who rocked you as a baby. That’s something else you will never be able to repay her for.
- Mother can always tell you a better way to do something after you’ve already done it.
- The longer it’s been since you cleaned house, the more likely it is that mother will visit.
- No matter how small your mom is, she will always be bigger than you are.
- The more you detest an item that belongs to your mother, the more likely it is that she will try to give it to you.
- If you do it yourself, mom could have done it better. If mom does it, you should have done it yourself.
- You never are as good as other people’s children. You are never as bad as mom imagines.
- The only thing more accurate than a mother’s advice is her memory of the times you didn’t take it.
- The funnier the joke is, the more likely mom will think it is dirty.
- Never tell your mother you have nothing to do. She can always find something.
- If the job of a mother is going smoothly, she thinks she isn’t doing it well.
- There are always two sides to a story – the way it really happened and the way mother remembers it.
- Mothers always “know.” We don’t know how – they just do.
- Murphy’s mother told him so.
This article was written by Sheila Moss, from Humor Columnist.Com and copied with her permission.
Copyright 2001 Sheila Moss
- a child will never ask Mom to get something until she sits down.
Corollary – a child will only ask for a glass of milk after you put the milk carton back in the refrigerator.
Sent by Lexia Gibson
- Call your Mom
Sent by Nikki Hubbell-VanHoosear
- If your kid grows up to be like you its an insult, not to you, to the kid
Sent by Mohammed Ram jackson
- You can fool some people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, but you can’t fool Mum
Sent by Meself
- Small, teething children will chew on the most valuable thing within reach. The same goes for puppies and juvenile tigers, bears, or crocodiles.
Sent by -?Anonymous!
- If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.
Stuff You Need To Know, To Know Everything
I lost a year and a half of posts when I switched from blogger to WordPress. I’ll post some of the stuff mostly to get it on record.
December 28th, 2006 by jsimonds
“Stewardesses” is the longest word typed with only the left hand and “lollipop” with your right. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn’t you?)
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”. (Are you doubting this?)
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
The sentence: “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you’re going to try this out for accuracy, right?)
The words ‘racecar,’ ‘kayak’ and ‘level’ are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).(Yep, I knew you were going to “do” this one.)
There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You’re not doubting this, are you?)
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: “abstemious” and “facetious.”(Yes, admit it, you are going to say . a e i o u)
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.(All you typists are going to test this out)
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.(I know some people that could do this too.)
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.(Good thing he did that)
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Now you know everything you need to know.
Bohemian Rhapsody In A Meme
Scaramouche, Scaramouche will you do the fandango
Hotel Practical Jokes
I hate hotels. It is a petri dish of other people’s germs and the usual lack of fastidiousness by the cleaning crew.
I thought this was funny though. My favorite part of any hotel stay is leaving. Here is a parting gift.
High IQ Pick Up Lines – Geek Out
I’m not sure these would work on your run of the mill girl.
The Real Difference Between Men And Women
My friend Joel Hagberg told me about this. With all the crap news going on, here’s a little (a lot of) humor.
In the current day when we have a Supreme Court Justice who can’t define what a woman is until there is a man involved, I have an easy test.
Here is the answer. Men think the 3 Stooges are funny. Yes, we can watch it and die laughing. Girls don’t get why we think it’s so funny.
Here’s a clip to make it easy. Separate 2 eggs is completely different for males and females, click to find out.
I for one find it hilarious.
Good Photo Bombs, Level Expert
The best I could do on my own was a dog taking a dump in the background. A lot of people have that. I’ve never made expert.
High IQ Humor – Ornithology Style
This was a good one for me. But that is my opinion.
High IQ Humor – Gang Signals or G-Spot Style
You tell me because I was never in a gang. I’ve found the other and had to explain it to kids during the sex talk.
More Pi Day Humor
Happy 3.14159 Day
LinkedIn Cringe And Sh*tposting
For people trying to get a job or increase business, it might be a valuable platform.
Unfortunately, it is still social media that is trying to be politically correct. I ran across this article so that you get a feel for what Cringe is.
Why LinkedIn? Just, why?
One of the funniest running jokes on Twitter is people trolling cringey LinkedIn newsfeed content: humble brags, faux inspiration, hustle porn, buzzwords galore and more.
A Twitter search for “linkedin cringe” returns an endless scroll of hilarity:
Here’s a representative tweet that blew up last week. Someone posted a photo of a “resilient” tree, which prompted a perfect response that notched 430k+ likes: “Gonna be hell when LinkedIn finds out about this tree.”
What is in the DNA of LinkedIn that leads to such predictably cringe content?
To answer the question, I read a bunch of forums, articles and great insights from the LinkedIn Engineering Blog. I think the cringe is due to 3 factors:
- The personality: What LinkedIn asks you to be?
- The customer: Who is actually paying LinkedIn?
- The algorithm: What drives engagement?
My least favorite version of Trung is “CV Trung”. By this, I mean the way I write about myself and career on my resume.
Why? Because CV Trung is a knob.
Here are some actual bullet points from my most up-to-date resume, circa 2019: (comments in bold)
- “CFA Charter-holder, passed all 3 exams on the first attempt” (no one cares)
- “Professional working proficiency in Vietnamese” (not even close)
- “Leveraged background in finance to lead a cross-functional team that developed machine-learning analytics tools” (dude, STFU)
Humans don’t talk like this. Half of this isn’t even true!
What is going on?
Canadian sociologist Erving Goffman has the answer: in a book called The Presentation of Self in Every Day Life, Goffman posits that every person goes through life wearing many “masks”, like an actor in a theater play.
Most people are different personalities at work vs. home vs. happy hour. People wear these different masks to impress or avoid embarrassment with different audiences.
Back to LinkedIn. It’s your online resume and directly tied to your identity.
The setup forces everyone on the site to basically wear the professional “CV mask” of their personality.
Bland. Buzzwords. Inoffensive. A little exaggeration. Self-promotional (but not too much). Desperate to impress.
CV Trung if I could grow facial hair (via @StateOfLinkedIn)
As a professional social network, LinkedIn has the cringe built in. The platform also prompts cringey engagement activity like:
- Please <click button> to endorse <person> for being good at <skill>
- It is <person> one year workversary please <congratulate>
This is not how normal people interact! I’ve literally never uttered the words “workvesary” out of my mouth (and have no idea what it sounds like).
Case in point:
Whenever someone strays from the “CV Mask” and gives an honest take, it resonates:
(L to R, clockwise): An honest consultant, my “education” section and Conan O’Brien’s very funny “test score”
Having said all that, LinkedIn’s mission is to “connect the world’s professionals to make them more productive and successful”. As we’ll see, the site has been able to do that for many of its 800m+ users…cringe or no cringe.
MY RESPONSE AND TROLL
I already troll LinkedIn by changing my profile. My college went woke. I am so ashamed of them for what they represent that I changed it to Faber, of Animal House fame. No one noticed, but I don’t get any college links anymore, so there is the silver lining.
I decided to engage in the cringe by posting a false invention to detect both that and Sh*t posts. There already is an app that does this, so I made up my own. It’s just cringe stuff that is deep in sarcasm for those who troll my page and try to market unwanted advice to me. It’s working well as I’m being left alone. I haven’t done what my career was for years anyway.
Here’s a sample: Helped change the course of the future with the invention of the Revalvitating Capitulator. A vital component in the development and distribution of LinkedIn cringe.
I even used the cringe generator and got this:
And a special shout out to Alex Cohen, who has turned long-form LinkedIn shitposting into an art:
In the end, it’s just another social media fail, but at least there is fun in it for those who recognize sarcasm. I troll it now in my profile because it went woke a while ago. I don’t even bother posting or liking except to very few people that I had a real connection with in the past.
Like most of Social Media, it’s a time suck. Cringe beats woke every time.
High IQ Humor – Marine Biology Style
It wouldn’t be as good as flying, but changing colors would almost as good as shape shifting.
Department Of Redundancy Department
Unfortunately, I’m good at that, unfortunately. The title was coined by Ben Greene at CORE International, now defunct.
Word Placement Matters
Especially to Climate worshipers
Taco Bell Aftermath, By A Student
When you have to get a colonoscopy, I’d rather just eat there than drink that nasty sauce. The result is the same.
High IQ Humor – En françes
This one is clever. Dans la piscine. C’est le vie
Another Pennywise Warning, Post Valentine’s….If You Get IT
Like Valentines Day, it is a clown show.
Why The T-Rex Was So Angry, The Part History Got Wrong
It’s not because his arms were too short to fap.
Not That Many People Call Anymore, But An Introvert Response
This is my favorite. You tried and then it is the other person’s turn or you get forgotten. I don’t think you even have to be an introvert to do this one.
High IQ Humor – Breast Style
Everyone loves boob jokes.
Dang, It Must Be A Really Rough Road
Tighten your Bra? Seriously?
A Day That Won’t Happen Like This Again – What A Way To End The Year
What Every Man Wants To Hear
I’m pretty sure this is true.
What Happens To Guys When It Gets Cold
Double bonus here, it makes fun of vegetarians. No one is buying Beyond Meats as their stock is falling. I guess it tastes like it looks.
Even the companies don’t know if their meat is safe to eat
Lab-grown meat is often made using immortalized cell lines, which, unlike regular cells, are capable of continuously dividing and growing in a manner similar to cancer cells, according to Bloomberg. Companies developing lab-grown meats have largely remained silent about the connection between their product and cancer cells, possibly in a bid to keep consumers from getting skittish about their products.
Star Trek Humor – Data Style
Yes, we all do this
Hard Lemonade, Childish Dick Humor Style
Yes, my inner 12 year old got let out again
High IQ Humor – Entomology Style (Also Math)
It reminds me of the Pink Panther parody, dead ant, dead ant (sing it to the song)
Separated At Birth?
From my childhood, being a Looney Tunes aficionado. The episode is called Bully for Bugs. Classic line, Stop steaming up my tail and of course, you know this means war.
Dick Jokes, If Told By A Girl
I bet she’d want to write her name in the snow and on the wall too.
As for me, I can’t get them to fit as the hole is too small, but I imagine I could fit a dozen or so (only if I smashed them flat together)
This is how it is being a man. It’s much more than donuts. We hang towels also.
And this is how we do it, and stuff all guys know.
but first, you have to know the guy rules we knew when we were born
Written By Willie Make It, Illustrated by Betty Don’t
Another childhood book, like revenge of the tiger, but Claude Balls; Yellow River by I P Freely….there are hundreds of them
Hat tip to wirecutter.
I think her kids names are Beavis and Butt-head.
High IQ Humor, Electrician Style
I hope everyone gets this
My Childish Humor Strikes Again
Oh yes, I could say it with a straight face, depending on the other person. I just texted my friend George that there were a lot of balls to juggle, instead balls in the air.
I still call them wiener’s if there is a chance the other person will feel uncomfortable.
Hat tip to wirecutter on this one. It was too good to not share.
High IQ Humor, Star Wars And Electricity Style
Unfortunately, it was when the Storm troopers could shoot straight.
High IQ Humor, Education Style
This one was a reach, but enjoy
Another Gotcha For Looking At This
Making Childish Jokes About Lawyer’s Names
You have to know Phil McCraken is a butt crack joke. Hiscock should have just changed his name
For all the names, here is your song that says them all. Seymour Butts, Jack N. Off, Stu Pedaso…their all in here
High IQ Humor – Alphabet Style
Stuff Like This Is Irritating As Hell
Again from Wirecutter.
I hate stuff like this. It’s like a picture that is crooked or one cord shorter than the other.
High IQ Humor – Anatomy Style
A Double High IQ Humor – Astrophysics And Sarcasm Style
High IQ Humor – Thermal/Geometry Style
Somewhere There Is A Teenager Naming His Johnson After This
The jokes about eating write themselves now.
A lot of men have a name for their dicks. I’ve heard endless versions. Some are more creative than others.
Everyone copied theirs from someone else except my friend Mitchell. His was the Mighty Throbber.
Another Version Of The Men Working Sign
A New Reason Pigs Should Fly
I got this from Wirecutter at Knuckledraggin.
I couple of posts ago, I posted on pigs flying (our budget debt) as sarcasm.
This one beats that by a mile in the sarcasm column. I only wish I’d thought of it.
Revenge Against Vegans
I think they are a bit too much. They all share the same trait we all know. It’s the first thing they tell you. I think it is the first rule of being one, you have to tell everyone as soon as you meet them.
They lose it if meat or eggs touches something of theirs, but no meat eaters are losing their shit over their dinner being touched by Tofu (we’ve already thrown it away if it makes it in the house). I thought that made them the maddest, until the funny meme above.
I can be hard on some groups, but the most I can say about the vegans is they are annoying. It’s another group with a passion in a strange direction in life. Most vegan groups through history died of malnutrition (or because of excessive annoyance) and their attempts at this trend usually die out.
Even the traveling whore (flight attendant with legs spread for all) I dated in college reappeared to tell me she is vegan. I didn’t need to know that she was any crazier than she already is. I already got rid of her once. Why reappear to tell me something this silly?
Were I a doctor, I’d prescribe bacon. Vegans make a bunch of fake stuff to look and taste like meat, why not enjoy the real thing.
Irony, Star Trek Style
When They Become Cannibals
I knew an Italian Dr with a bag and shoe fetish that only a Dr.’s salary could support. She said it was an addiction. I say it’s a waste of money.
It is for girls to show off to other girls. Guys don’t care about the bags, necklaces, rings or makeup.
She spent 10’s of thousands for other girls I guess. Other than being a good Dr, even her sister said her life was effed up.
A Different Merry Christmas
High IQ Humor, Trailer Trash Style
If It’s Really Good, It’s Porking Good
I used pork for the proverbial f-word back in the 60’s. It’s not new, but who ever labeled this was a genius. And gluten free!
This is an actual shot at my local grocery store.
Christmas Sarcasm, For Those Who Remember The Fake Words
Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg, the bat mobile lost a wheel and the commissioner broke his leg.
We 3 kings from Orient are, tried to smoke a rubber cigar. It was loaded it exploded that was the end of us.
I’m sure there were others.
Competitive Eating Update, When Joey Chestnut Sharted His Pants
Nathan’s hot dog eating contest has been one of my favorite sports for years, since Kobayashi was king. My wife thinks it is one of the grossest competitions ever held, adding to my enjoyment.
I heard an interview with Joey Chestnut about taking a dump the next day after downing 70 hot dogs. I’ve wondered about that also.
What I didn’t know was that he’s done it while competing. Gross I know, but it didn’t stand in the way of him winning.
At least he’s honest about it.
High IQ Humor – Stoner Style
Spaceballs, In Real Life
High IQ Humor, Teacher Style
This would be me, but not because of science. I’d try to knock the end one off the swing.
High IQ Humor – Chemistry Style
Girls Lie Too, Size Doesn’t Matter
They can pass a baby there. Don’t tell me I’ve got something that’s going to top that.
Some People Are Just Animals
High IQ Humor – Physics Style
STD Warning You Can Live By Every Time
I was the only one of my friends not to get the clap growing up.
I Might Have To Spice Up My Own Funeral
I’m not dying that I know of, but if I was, this would be the last piece of sarcasm I’d leave behind.