As I wrote my way through my youth in a journal, I went to school with some people for up to 17 years. When I had the chance to be included, something I thought would finally endear me into their group, I wouldn’t do it. I realized who they were and knew they were poison and I couldn’t move ahead in life with them as an anchor.
It was the same for almost every group I’ve been in. The thought of being stuck with the same people because of duty was emotionally too great of a burden. I wasn’t there for the right reason. I couldn’t stay anymore.
A very old girlfriend reached out to me recently, but I couldn’t talk to her. It was a relationship that ended badly. I don’t have the desire to relive it again even though we’ve moved on. That is the point though, I moved on.
The biggest problem I have in my arguments is timing. I get out talked by people who tend to be wrong. Only later does the truth come out or I can express myself, but no one (except me) cares by then.
Like most introverts, I think things through, throw out the things that are wrong, then come up with a salient and correct argument. All of this is well after the discussion took place.
While being pressured to get the jab during Covid, I knew it was wrong and listened to everyone regurgitating the media and government lies (paid for by the Big Pharma companies). Since I was an island, it was everyone against me. There was nothing I could say that anyone would listen to other than my black friends. They remembered Tuskegee like I did.
The lesson? Stop trying to be right, learn patience for the facts to come out. They are coming out now.
This would have also helped me a lot earlier in life if I’d have known. I didn’t understand that I was an introvert though and thought I could go toe to toe with extrovert talkers not afraid to be wrong. I lost a debate to an imbecile in 8th grade when I clearly had the facts. He had the class popularity and the class went with him as he made up stuff.
It was similar in politics. The 2016 election won me a $100 bet, not that anyone cared. The 45th President continues to be right, so they just throw dirty underwear against the wall until something sticks. He is the comeback champion in rhetoric though so I stopped talking about that also. I was an island politically also. I lost every discussion on that one also even though my facts were proven right over time.
I found out that a lot of people don’t have a sense of history or really understand anything other than reading and repeating talking points they are told to think. Social media is making idiots out of the next generations. Knowing how to find information is not the same thing as understanding why things are the way they are.
I was already recognizing the pattern of facts that led to the truth, just not when I wanted it. I’d never make it as a lawyer or politician.
Maybe that’s why I write about this. It gets my thoughts (mostly cogently) in order and documents my position. It’s all I have sometimes. Since the internet is forever, here you go in the future if you read this.
Very rarely in my life do I have the proper comeback. It’s not satisfying when I do compared to the frustration of not being drop quick witted and precise information when needed.
So, I just have decided to let some stuff pass. It gets me out of talking to the under educated anyway.
The other lesson?
“Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.”
If I can’t get out of going to a social event (forget parties), this is my next best option.
I’ve done it on dates also.
I hit on a girl in one of my classes in college because she was kind of cute and noticeably large casaba’s. To this day, it was the most boring date of my life. I thought she didn’t like me, but I found out she was just uninteresting. We went to dinner where I thought we could at least talk about the class we just finished.
She appeared in the school magazine 40 years later doing turtle research and guess what? She never got married. Others must have found out what I did.
I didn’t take her for being a switch hitter, so she just didn’t try. I can’t even call her an introvert as I saw her talk in class for a whole semester.
I didn’t have a hard time carrying on back then as those were my drinking years. I tried to keep it going and had other plans (dancing I believe) later that night but took her home. It was going nowhere and I was tired of trying. I dated a lot and was in my prime so a lot of others at least did their part in trying to keep it going.
After going home, I went out with my friends to a bar later to brag that I got out of one of the worst dates of my life.
Now, I don’t drink anymore and I get out of banal socializing as often as I can before it happens. I like this method best.
By chance I have to go, I know where the bathroom is and play with the pets.
Still, leaving is usually my favorite part of going to these.
When I was first on fake book (an early adopter), it was great until people came back that I didn’t want to ever see again. That’s pretty much the way it is for most of my life. When you are in the past, you stay there. It’s too much drama for me to catch up. I have trouble with seeing people I haven’t seen in a while and it’s awkward.
It’s not just people from school or social groups I’ve been affiliated with, it’s family also. It’s very awkward as I know that were we not related that I’d never talk to them. I don’t with most anyway and have lost contact with a lot of the others.
Why haven’t we talked? The answer is usually because I didn’t want to. I have a hard time lying about that. I can fake being excited to see someone, I just refuse to do it anymore. It’s personality turn off when I see it in others.
I didn’t want anything connecting me to memories I didn’t want. It was painful enough the first time around. Why do I want to relive part of my life that are best left as experiences to learn from? I’d already moved on in life having parted ways once. Those memories of my early life don’t make me want to try and pretend it didn’t happen for me. I was glad it was over, dead and buried. It’s easier for me to deal with.
They kept wanting to connect. I did, but muted everyone, but finally I put them back in the history box where they belong, for a good reason. I had to dump it and remain true to myself.
If we were really friends, we wouldn’t need social media. I’m still friends with those who were my real friends. The rest are people I don’t connect with because we mutually don’t want to. To be fair, I mostly don’t want to connect with them, but that is my nature as an introvert.
I have listed other reasons in different posts that point out how fake people are on social media and that it is a time suck.
My life is better not seeing others. Let’s keep it that way.
May we celebrate together, but alone and separately. Talk to you tomorrow because I’m not talking today.
It’s my favorite holiday after just suffering through Christmas and New Years. I can be alone today. Somewhere out there (although probably quiet) my fellow souls finally have some joy. It’s doubtful others will hear about it as we don’t boast, and other times you can’t get a word in edge wise for all the yapping.
I know and so do others.
PS, I’m not an INFJ.
This next one is me. I’m always in the back, next to the door so I can leave if I need to escape or panic
Because that is what it is. It’s like the longest drive, fastest car, number of wins your team got, name it.
There are some that are hard to top. They are conversation stoppers, also one of my favorites.
I won’t compare it to my schools because I put as much distance as I can from both my high school and college, both school and people. Those people would lose every time to the non-woke army.
If it weren’t for the Nazi thing, this would be the ultimate dick measuring contest for a school. Based on my work experience, I’ve noted how overrated the Ivy League schools are, and you can include others like UNC-CH, Duke and most California schools. They turn out losers now that are more concerned about gender and race than history and education.
Still, if it came down to it and someone started giving me the Harvard or Notre Dame speech. I’d like to say I’m from the Panzer School and we’d blow your doors off, literally. That’s a show stopper.
It’s like someone bragging they play golf and you answer, Hi, I’m Tiger Woods.
There is a long list of commercialized things overdone about it, but here is another.
I’m down to gift bags now as I can’t be bothered.
As an Introvert, there is too much going on for too long. By the time Christmas finally comes, my social battery is negative. I hate all the attention about something people don’t care about the rest of the year, including the people they buy presents for.
I see it is corrupting why we really celebrate Christmas, but it’s been ruined for me for life.
It’s already started, too early again. The stores were full of Christmas before Halloween.
On top of being an introvert nightmare for too much attention for the wrong reasons and this makes it a tough season for me.
I see these unhappy people for 11 months and then they pretend that everything is great. I know who they are the rest of the year and don’t believe their lies.
I don’t really have social anxiety, I just don’t want to small talk and waste time. Hello is a perfectly good conversation.
I’ve seen people I like at the store and still went either to the next aisle, the other side of the store or just out. I’m not there to talk. I usually have music going in my ears anyway.
If I actually wanted to talk, I or the other person would have already texted.
The worst is chatty girls who talk to you like you were their girlfriend. If you understood men, you wouldn’t do this. We’d appreciate that more that a lot of things.
This is the opposite of a hall meeting at work. I didn’t always avoid them as you could get done in 5 minutes what normally took an hour out of your day. It’s the lesser of 2 evil’s if you have to see someone. Do it for the minimal time possible. I didn’t want to see them either, but this kept it to a minimum.
Sending a thumbs-up can be seen as passive aggressive and even confrontational, according to Gen Z who claim they feel attacked whenever it is used.
Whether the chat is informal, between friends or at work the icon appears to have a very different, ‘rude’ meaning for the younger generation.
A 24-year-old on Reddit summed up the Gen Z argument, saying it is best ‘never used in any situation’ as it is ‘hurtful’.
‘No one my age in the office does it, but the Gen X people always do it. Took me a bit to adjust and get [it] out of my head that it means they’re mad at me,’ he added.
They make you look old. I disagree. I think emoji’s are childish to begin with. I never use them on purpose just for that reason. I never saw them as anything but wasted time or unnecessary info on the text. An answer in emoji’s only is even more childish.
I have friends my senior age that do it, but I refuse. They sort of get it and have stopped it. They weren’t any good at it anyway. They were the thumbs up people
I recognize rest of them though. They mostly come from girls who are too old for this nonsense.
I could put an emoji on the end of this for sarcasm and irony, but I won’t.
Emoji’s are the small talk in texting that I hate in real life. It’s not necessary, ever.
I find it funny when my family says stuff like, “everyone else is doing it, why don’t you want to?”. Or this one, “I always love to get together with others, what’s wrong with you?”. Don’t try to shame me into doing stuff. It hasn’t worked on me since I was a child.
Nothing is wrong with me. I’d rather not go to people events. I say what is wrong with you for not understanding others who are different to you?
Most of all, I’ve discovered that I don’t go to something if there isn’t an exit strategy for me if it sucks. I go to events I can’t get out of in 2 cars so I can go.
I almost always one of the first to leave as my social battery is on life support at this point in my life.
So go big or go home? How about stay home with my stuff and not have to put up with people being fake.
What does tomorrow mean to us? I thought about that today. It occurred to me that I don’t have as many tomorrows left. As endless as they used to be, I’d grab at a new handful of them. For now, I’m glad to have the next one. They grow fewer every day (sorry, I had to put that in)
When I was young, I never thought about tomorrow. It always came. Some took forever like when I cared about my birthday, and others flew by.
When something has an endless supply, the value is less. It’s economics. I never considered that I’d be working, or retired, or would have kids, a mortgage or any responsibility. Live for today. It was all about today. I had no real yesterday’s to learn from yet.
If I did think about tomorrow, it was the kid dream about being an astronaut or pilot (what I thought about).
That was so long ago and the days between now and then are so numerous that it seems, like another life for me. I’ve lived many different lives within the one I chronologically am still in.
I recall sitting in the classroom watching the clock ticking away. Tick, tick, tick towards when I’d be able to go home. Time was endless on those days, and this was just between 2 and 2:15 in elementary school. The only good tomorrow started on Friday.
By the time I got to college, I was aware that life was right around the corner. Still, I enjoyed the day without a care. I ignored that inevitable tomorrow. When it came, it was in the form of an exam, or a girlfriend or another event in life. It was finite and had little consequence as to what my next day held. Still, I had no real cares and a lot of what tomorrow brought was a new experience.
Letdowns started to happen, but the ocean of tomorrows never crossed my mind as I did stupid stuff. I think I lost a few tomorrows by taking too many risks. Somehow I survived and was able to live to the next day, always another tomorrow. It was expected.
Life marched on and I grew up, bought a home and started a family. Tomorrows always came, but now they came with other’s problems also. It wasn’t the carefree days when your kid is sick or in trouble. I didn’t have time to think about tomorrow as today brought 10 tons of manure in a 5 ton truck.
So much is happening in your life you take tomorrow for granted or you are too busy to think about anything but today. If you do, those thoughts are invaded with things you have to get done or do for others.
I did notice one thing. I was starting to have a lot of yesterday’s. Some of them happy and some sad. There were lessons learned on both.
The ocean of tomorrows was still seemingly full as it (now) quickly drained away.
The first reminders of fewer tomorrows happened here. Those you used to know have run out of tomorrows.
When you are young, say at a grandparents funeral, you can’t comprehend time not being endless for you. By middle age, you know it is closer, but most choose to ignore the reality of time slipping away.
Rarely, do tomorrows bring something new to me. Occasionally, I get a different version of something I’ve been through. I have many more yesterdays now than the number of tomorrows remaining.
The kids are grown. The mortgage is paid off. I no longer work. I’m among the oldest of my relatives now. It brought me to how many tomorrows there will be. Among those, how many will be good or bad? Will there be tough times?
I try to enjoy the days, even if the tasks are mundane. I have less patience for things that don’t seem meaningful to me. My meaningful scale has changed dramatically over life.
From time to time (becoming far too common), people I know run out of their tomorrows. As I sit at the funerals, life comes into perspective for me, at least the part on Earth.
Tomorrows aren’t endless. You only come with so many. Some have more than others and some enjoy them more than others.
Most of life’s struggles are over, except what happens when the tomorrow’s are running out.
Here’s hoping for another tomorrow, and that it doesn’t suck for me.
Of course there is the golf joke about the guy who played a round with his buddies shouting and laughing. After the round as they headed to the parking lot, he told them at the end to not talk to him. When asked why, he said he’s told his wife he’s been deaf for 5 years and he didn’t want to spoil it.
Now let’s rewind. You’re on the vacation of a lifetime in Kenya, traversing the savanna on safari, with the tour guide pointing out elephants to your right and lions to your left. From the corner of your eye, you notice a rhino trailing the vehicle. Suddenly, it sprints toward you, and the tour guide is yelling to the driver to hit the gas. With your adrenaline spiking, you think, “This is how I am going to die.” Years later, when you walk into a florist’s shop, the sweet floral scent makes you shudder.
“Your brain is essentially associating the smell with positive or negative” feelings, said Hao Li, a postdoctoral researcher at the Salk Institute for Biological Studies in California. Those feelings aren’t just linked to the memory; they are part of it: The brain assigns an emotional “valence” to information as it encodes it, locking in experiences as good or bad memories.
And now we know how the brain does it. As Li and his team reported recently in Nature, the difference between memories that conjure up a smile and those that elicit a shudder is established by a small peptide molecule known as neurotensin. They found that as the brain judges new experiences in the moment, neurons adjust their release of neurotensin, and that shift sends the incoming information down different neural pathways to be encoded as either positive or negative memories.
To be able to question whether to approach or to avoid a stimulus or an object, you have to know whether the thing is good or bad.
Hao Li, Salk Institute for Biological Studies
The discovery suggests that in its creation of memories, the brain may be biased toward remembering things fearfully — an evolutionary quirk that may have helped to keep our ancestors cautious.
The findings “give us significant insights into how we deal with conflicting emotions,” said Tomás Ryan, a neuroscientist at Trinity College Dublin who was not involved in the study. It “has really challenged my own thinking in how far we can push a molecular understanding of brain circuitry.”
An acquaintance’s father passed away a few years ago. He was an adjunct to a Five Star General in WWII and a press officer for IBM. He wrote his obituary and his funeral notice. It was spectacular. Not because it touted all that he had done, but that it was clear and concise. When my uncle died, I got that he was a pilot, but not much else and he did a lot of other things that would have been nice to hear.
It’s because someone else wrote his obituary. And there you have the key.
Write your own eulogy and find out what you want the world to know or not know about you. It’s harder than you think because you only have a short space to get in what are the highlights.
A BIGGER PROJECT
For me, it went to exploring the rest of my life and before I knew it, I’m writing about kindergarten or my 3rd job. No one will ever read it, but I finally found out that things like me being an introvert were there all along. My life would have been a lot easier if I’d have known the things I wrote. Sure, it’s hindsight, but the pattern was there. I wonder why it took me so long to see some things.
I remembered teachers (back to kindergarten), classmates, situations, jobs, life and so much that I couldn’t type fast enough. I knew I’d have to edit and re-edit for details and accuracy, but if I could remember it, I wrote it down. I forget a lot of stuff now anyway.
It fell out on the pages who was loyal or a back stabber to me. What was it that I expected or deliverd to friendships. Who I could count on and who I could count on to try to cause me difficulty or harm (mentally or physically).
I realized who was actually a friend and why, and who was passing through that time of my life, but didn’t remain. As I have said, there are a lot of characters in my autobiography who don’t make it to the end.
Guess what I haven’t finished yet. That’s right, the original project. I got so enthralled with trying to recall memories that sometimes would flood my mind, or that one deep memory that I hadn’t thought about in decades.
I’m going back to it as I need a break. It wasn’t just the writing, but having to re-experience feelings and situations that I’d buried were mentally taxing. I haven’t been blogging much as it has been overwhelming.
Why? You will find out more about yourself than you could imagine. You think you know who you are until you write about your warts and missteps, the awkward things you said that you wish you could take back. Why you react the way you do instead of being more effective, especially when you are protecting your inner self.
I found out who I was and why I act the way I have. I got to re-visit a lot of times in my life. While writing, I put myself back into the 6 or 12 year old to feel those times again the way they were, instead of how my mind changed them over the years. Then, I thought if that moment affected my life later. Most times the answer was yes.
There were times I couldn’t type fast enough and had to keep a separate list of all the things I needed to write about. Conversely, I didn’t want to go back after vomiting up memories, joys and pain, success and failures in my life. I didn’t want to write the pain, but it felt better after having said it.
I’ll keep the eulogy, but delete the life story, no one cares anyway other than me. I won’t care soon either.
I guess I’d better get around to that Eulogy now so the kids don’t screw it up.
I read Introvert Dear, most of which I agree with, but even introverts come in different flavors. Today they wrote an article that resonates with me.
When taking multiple personality tests, I always came up with the same 4 letters and the strongest was I (introvert), always. The rest define me also, but not for this post.
See 15 things Introverts want you to know, but might not tell you and look at networking events. They are the worst nightmare for us. Force a bunch of people together and let them talk about themselves until perhaps you might find something in common. That is hell for me. It’s like small talk, something else I loathe. I prefer the silence, almost every time.
Want to meet me and watch me talk passionately? I do stuff I am passionate about, and then find people who have that in common and we naturally connect, without the social pressure of being forced to.
Icebreakers are supposed to be “fun,” but many introverts absolutely dread these activities because they force them into the spotlight.
Being an introvert at work has always been hard, but most days I get by just fine by minding my own business. For the most part, I don’t mind my job, and sometimes I even enjoy it.
Except when it comes to staff meetings.
I’ve been lucky that most of my past jobs haven’t required weekly staff meetings, because honestly, I’m not sure I could handle that. My current job only has quarterly staff meetings, but they’re enough to drain me and stress me out.
In fact, the most recent one was so difficult that I’m still reeling from it.
It’s part of why I hate family reunions and holidays. It’s forcing people together, only some of whom want to be there.
These are extrovert rules forced on us in public.
Why Introverts Hate Icebreakers
Not all introverts hate icebreakers, but many of them do, especially introverts like me who suffer from anxiety. I’m sure there are some extremely confident and self-assured introverts out there who have no trouble speaking in front of a crowd, but that’s never been me. (me: I can do it but hate it and it’s an act when I have to do it. Hell, I hate being at a small gathering and having to act like you are interested, when in fact most times people are more interested in talking about themselves. It’s like a Facebook post to get the most likes by telling the good parts about your life).
Why do introverts tend to feel uncomfortable during icebreakers? For one, an icebreaker forces you to become the center of attention. Whereas extroverts may enjoy being in the spotlight, introverts may find it overwhelming. In general, introverts thrive in calm environments where there isn’t much stimulation. I can’t think of a more stimulating situation than a roomful of eyes watching your every move! For introverts, all this attention may simply put their nervous system in overdrive. (I hate Christmas for this).
Also, icebreakers are supposed to move quickly, so there’s little time to think about what you’re going to say or do. Although no one likes being caught off-guard, for introverts, it can be especially difficult to think of something to say on the fly. That’s because the introvert’s brain might be wired a little differently in this sense. According to Marti Olsen Laney, author of The Introvert’s Advantage, we “quiet ones” may rely more on long-term memory as opposed to short-term or “working” memory, which makes us a little slower to gather our thoughts and speak out loud (it’s because we’re processing our thoughts and experiences deeply). Extroverts, on the other hand, may do the opposite. (Here’s the science.)
Personally, even when I come up with something to say, it never comes out quite the way I planned it in my head. I might stutter or stumble or mix up my words. In turn, this spikes my anxiety even more and leaves me feeling frazzled and embarrassed… all in front of people I work with… in a situation where I am trying to make a good impression. I know icebreakers are supposed to be “fun,” but I, like many introverts, absolutely dread them.
There is nothing better than when people cancel plans on me, even if I wanted to do something as I usually can do it alone anyway.
The more I think about it, the less I want any more people in my life wanting to do stuff together. At this point I’d rather just not have to deal with them.
Here is the kicker. I stopped caring if people liked me in high school. Once I learned that lesson, life is much less complicated. If they talk bad about me, I just kill them off figuratively in my Autobiography. Not all characters survive in stories. Very few do in mine.
I’ve met a lot of rats who seemed to function without a brain. Some are in my family. I went to high school with a den of rats. Most that worked with in Armonk or Somers for IBM were that. How they made it through life is beyond me. They are like Forest Gump, only not rich, not famous, not good looking, not friendly and are just surviving at this point. Yet here they are, probably able to survive a nuke with the roaches, in NY
I regularly post about the tragedy that is social media, how government mishandled Covid, that Gates and Fauci are power grabbing beta males and the worst sin of all, saying Covid came from Wuhan.
I have enjoyed posting the dangers of the jab, because meatheads I know can’t believe that I’ve proved it’s poison.
It turned out that I was both ahead of the curve on a lot of things
I predicted it would take it’s toll on my traffic and it did. I still get hits from China watching me properly place blame on their policies and human rights, but the big G search engine didn’t like it at all.
I also got banned by Facebook searches which regularly borrowed my memes. I detailed how to delete fake book many times and why you should do it.
All of that has cut me to about 10% of my usual traffic.
Now, ask me if I care? Why I don’t is that I write this for me. I get my thoughts out there in writing. Being introverted, I’d rather communicate that way rather than orally.
Will I stop? Not a chance. I’m having too much fun lampooning the mistakes.
Heck, the election season is not really in full swing. I can’t wait.
Sometimes I like them and just can’t stand to be around them. It’s the way it is. People I don’t speak with don’t think about this, but here is the answer in case you stumble on this post.
No one is exempt, past friends, relatives, schools, you name it. If we were friends, we would be and you’d know it. I won’t say anything or be mean, I just won’t spend time pretending on social banter because everyone is supposed to.
I was reading a few years back and saw this gem. It was around Christmas time of year and I was fatiguing from the festivities.
For me, that is one of the worst times of the year. The fake happy from people who’s true nature I know is difficult to take. I see it anywhere I go
As I thought about it, I realized that it is so true. It’s really why I don’t go to many social events, especially Christmas parties.
I got tired of pretending to be social and/or having a good time, all they while wishing I could leave. Hell, I usually plan leaving before I go.
Most socials are like fakebook posts. Tell as much as you can about yourself to get likes.
Conversation should be about asking others about them and what is important that they would like to talk about. What I watch is people waiting for a response so that they can talk again. I don’t even try and a lot of time. I’ll just see how long people will talk about themselves and see if I can not say anything. They rarely notice. I won’t offer any information unless I think someone truly cares, but that’s only if I had to go and I’ve already got my exit plan in place.
The snow is finally gone (it did snow last week) and the local course opened, so I made my way out to the course. I had no one to make up a four or even a twosome, so I picked at time and figured I’d get stuck with someone.
Well, the tourists aren’t hear yet. The snow has melted and the skiers are gone. It turns out that it was supposed to rain that day so when I got to the course, the parking lot was empty. I knew my luck couldn’t hold so I went to the range and hit a bucket to warm up and then went to putt on the practice green. It is next to the first tee, so I knew that I could keep an eye on the traffic to get out with as few people in my group as possible.
As it turns out, no one showed up. Even the starter wasn’t there. I took the opportunity to jump on the tee and try for a solo round. Life was on my side and there weren’t golfers for many holes either side of me.
I played 18 hassle free and small talk free golf. I would have paid extra money for this freebie in life.
I’ll be out again this week and I’ll get paired up with someone the rest of the year, but it was a good start.
Looks like I’m starting out the year with a double digit handicap. Playing golf is my other handicap.
The real cowards won’t play when it’s not their rules. It must be that tough to have words bother you so much that you can’t work for a company.
I find this wildly entertaining that Musk bought a majority stake in hater Twitter. I can’t wait to see what will happen and hope for a wonderful train wreck to entertain me on this one. I am finding Must to be right far more than wrong and am learning to trust non traditional thinkers such as him.
I really don’t think much will happen, but the consternation it will stir up may split the audience for other platforms. That would take away the historical preference for Twitter Twatter.
Like in the movie War Games, sometimes the best move is to not play. I have had a blissful twitter free life now since before Trump. I recommend it or another instant platform of your choice.
I have accounts with all the competitors, but the drain of being on another social media platform is being overpowered by my introverted nature to avoid people.
I win almost every argument, hours after it happened. Most people I know can come back with a line that cuts you off at the knees and I can’t think of mine. I’ve given up on the childish retorts and name calling.
It’s always clear to me after the fact what I should have said, and more often than not, I was right, just not in time.
It was the same on the schoolyard. I won very few verbal confrontations.
What have I learned. Don’t play in games that you can’t win. I refuse to talk until I’m ready. I have learned to at least comment that the other person’s retort was mean, uncalled for and at least wrong. After I spend the time dissecting the other person’s points, they have usually forgotten the discussion.
There has been a rare occasion or two in my life when I said the right thing at the right time and surprised the heck out of everyone present. It’s not as satisfying as it would seem because you never know how much you’ve actually won.
Don’t embarrass yourself if you don’t come back. It’s a child’s game usually.
When I do unload though, stay out of the way as I’ve brought enough ammunition to destroy a college debate team.
Mostly, I’ve learned to walk away and realize that it isn’t that important.
My favorite is to get them to realize they were wrong by bringing it up in another conversation, usually days later because I couldn’t think of it at the time.
When I post meme’s, I soon find them on social media platforms (that I haven’t left, but people send it to me). Please, copy and share it so others will understand.
For the extroverts, the world isn’t about you. Take some time to understand that although you are louder and have apparently made the social rules that introverts violate, you aren’t the center of the universe. It also means you don’t have to try and cure Introverts. We are happiest if you’d take the time to understand why they are different than you, and are happier about it than you seem to be.
If you want to speak to me, talk about meaningful and deep subjects and I’ll talk all day. If you small talk, my body may be there, but I guarantee my mind is somewhere else. I have a whole world in my mind that I can go to that no one else is allowed in, unless you have passed the real friendship level.
And another thing, I hate having to listen to people at parties (if by chance I can’t get out of going). It is literally a facebook conversation where everyone is telling as much information about themselves as possible to get likes. I would never share that much information. Plus, it just causes small talk, one of the most wasteful uses of time possible.
I cringe when I hear people share this much information. I don’t care about them at this level, but really, there is a lot of personal stuff that you just shouldn’t talk about. It always comes back to bite you and yes, the other person is judging you and criticizing you inside no matter how nice you/they seem, bless your heart. Seriously, I don’t care about most of what your are talking about because you never asked if I was interested. If I wanted to know, I’d ask. Extroverts assume people care about their problems or things/other people that I’ll never meet. I do care about your pets though.
I will check out your bathroom because that’s where I’m going the minute the conversation drones on or my energy battery has hit empty.
Here’s a good hint, the minute I enter a room full of people, I check out the escape routes so I can get out/away as quickly as I have to. I see if there are any pets to play with. They are usually more interesting than small talk.
So here are the latest meme’s to share. Please steal them and post everywhere.
This one above is for my ex’s, most people I went to school with and most that I worked with.
Since it is a fake holiday made up by the companies to sell you stuff and make single people feel bad, I don’t give this a check mark as a real holiday worth celebrating.
It also is amateur day that gets people out on the road/town to do stuff that costs more on this day only. It’s also like New Years Eve when a lot of people get drunk that aren’t prepared for it and do stupid stuff like drive. The difference is that on VD, they get drunk and have kids they weren’t planning.
I thought it was stupid in school when we had to get a pack of cards for every kid in the class. I never knew if I got one from everyone because I didn’t care enough to check. I wasn’t insecure like the kids that took offense if they didn’t get one from everybody. Today, they are Karen’s.
I never like it when you are held hostage to do something (like all of the Christmas holidays) instead of one that you voluntarily do, like this holiday. It’s far more fun for guys and seems a lot more sincere.
Anyway, here’s my lack of effort to celebrate a fake day.
Selfies are Me, me, me. It’s all about me and getting likes.
It’s why introverts have a life advantage, we have no need to show off about what we eat, drink, who we are with and what we do. I’ve noticed that the more intelligent also don’t have the need to be so narcissistic.
On my rare social media posts, it’s usually about my dog.
“All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone,” Blaise Pascal wrote in the 17th century.
I like others and have socialized for many decades, but given the choice I’d rather be alone.
I watch people who don’t know what to do with themselves if they are alone. Now, a lot of people don’t know what to do with themselves without a phone.
Instead of looking at it as withdrawing from others, I view it as learning to enjoy the time alone and discover the real me.
Writing has been invaluable to me. I write here, but my diaries are hundreds of thousands of words that are how I find out who I am and how to cope with the day to day issues. It helps me put my thoughts together before I have to face people because most can out talk me before I can put my thoughts together cogently.
Once you have mastered the ability to be alone, you have freed yourself from the bonds of others to live life on your own terms.
You also don’t give a shit so you say what needs saying. I stopped caring whether people liked me a long time ago. If they don’t, it’s one less person to have to worry about. I can do it while being polite too, so it’s not an asshole thing.
Not caring what people think, another of my super powers.
Actually, every day is national introvert day for me. I couldn’t be happier not having to deal with the drain and drama that other people are.
Now, how to celebrate? I’m not telling anyone other than what I type here. It’s my day and no one else needs to know. I’m sure other introverts know, but they don’t want to make a big deal of it either. It’s like birthdays and holidays. I’d rather not have them as too much is made of them when in fact they are just another day.
So I dedicated this to our current government, Fauci, the Jab, the CCP, MSM, celebtards, sportstards, freeloaders who could be working, social media and those trying to control the narrative on things like Covid, Election Fraud, race hustlers, mail in ballots and a lot of other 2021 crap.
There, did I cover everything? I think not but I’ll get to it in 2022.
Oh, and Epstein didn’t hang himself and neither will Ghislaine Maxwell.
Here’s hoping that it’s a better year than the last two.
My New Year’s resolution is the same as every year. I don’t have one because they are nonsense. Most people break them and it is a childish tradition. If you don’t have enough discipline to do what needed to be done without it being a new year, you don’t have much chance at making this one either.
I am a lot happier that way without having to live up to other people’s expectations, which is what it really is.
I wish the same for everyone that they have a happy day and year. At least we have an election to look forward to. Maybe we’ll return to sanity.
First of all, this like Valentines Day are celebrations I call amateur night. People who make a huge deal of a day don’t know how to handle it and these are the ones that over do it. I avoid them and the carnage they bring on others from being too boisterous, not being sincere to who they really are to doing things like driving drunk and causing unnecessary harm to others.
To me, it’s just another day. Hopefully I’ll wake up tomorrow, and if I do, it will be the same as every other day. I can enjoy it for being the day that it is without having to heap any false hype on it.
I don’t recall being up at midnight in recent years because I’d rather sleep and feel better tomorrow. I gave up drinking a long time ago and will feel a lot better than the pretenders who think that they need to be the life of the party. I don’t have to put my hope of entertainment on an event that isn’t significant on 12:01.
Sure, some will call me a party-pooper, but then I’d have to care what others think of me, and I don’t. I’m not motivated by likes on social media either because I have a life lived on my terms. Not being defined by others has helped me not to be dependent on others for my happiness.
I don’t have any regrets for acting the fool because I overdid it the night before.
I hope others enjoy and do whatever it is that they are going to do. I don’t need the attention and am happier with my dog and a book.
Oh, I live with an extrovert. It doesn’t make her any happier, but I’ve been clear that you can’t make me extroverted because you are. She’s come to realize that tomorrow will happen just like today, yesterday and the day before.
No one will give a tinkers damn about New Years in a couple of days anyway, so I don’t today.
I don’t suffer from expectations not met, or hangovers that aren’t necessary.
I don’t use them, on purpose. I think they are a bit childish. I write out stuff. I also don’t LOL, OMG or any other stuff in real life.
There are times that I think people don’t want to talk, so they put something out there that means I’ll let you go or best wishes (read I don’t want to have to say what I really mean, like I don’t want to talk).
Sure, I get them from everyone, but I think if you are over 50, or a guy, you shouldn’t be doing this. It seems like playing with dolls, but then that is just me.
I dated a flight attendant who survived the Dallas Crash where they discovered wind sheer. She made it when only about 30 of 300 survived. She was at the back of the plane. I read that you have a better chance of surviving statistically in the back of a crashing plane.
I’d just rather not crash.
I’m exercising my Covid excuse not to go somewhere right now by just not flying.
I feel this way a lot of the time, not just Saturday. I hadn’t thought about doing the cough one, but I am now if someone doesn’t social distance or I can’t avoid them.
There are a lot of conversations I don’t start. As soon as I leave the house it’s on.
And this next one, I have way more conversations in my head than with others, even though it is about them. Just like the one above, it’s not worth it to talk to them, but way worth it to talk about them to me.
It’s why I don’t go to high school or college reunions. The people who are my friends and that I want to talk with, I do. If I don’t, this is the reason.
How I end 90% of my conversations, usually with one word…right, fine, good, ok.
When I give up trying because the other person just isn’t worth it (or all of my ex’s, I just wish I’d learned it in college).
Because of my personality, being loyal was a trait that overrode protecting myself. I did a lot of stuff that while during it, was a terrible chore. I did my duty because I thought it was my responsibility. I gave myself completely to friendships when all of the effort was for naught. Afterwards, I frequently felt betrayed by others. They didn’t do any share of the relationship or a joint project.
This first happened to me at single digits of age and continued through my work career.
I recall the feeling of being betrayed by others and realized they were self-centered. I didn’t understand this concept and had to learn about it the hard way. I had extended myself only to have my minimal expectations (some sense of returned loyalty) ignored or rebuffed.
Being a pattern person, I recognized what was going on and finally started withdrawing my full commitment. This bothered me as I hate giving less than 100% to a friendship or a task, and it gave me no satisfaction. In fact I felt I was selling myself short. The outcome was predictable every time.
Finally, after realizing that guarding myself was more important than worrying about what others might think, I started saying no. I didn’t want to anymore. I didn’t want to go through what I knew would be a one sided effort that left me disappointed again and again. I was tired of being hurt or betrayed. Others do it easily without concern for anyone. I had to learn to say no.
This was tough to do at first, but I had to protect myself or life would continue to be tough on me. I was tough on myself more than others.
I found that there is some initial pain on both sides of the relationship, but mostly mine. It has saved me in the long run. I now don’t do a lot of things that I know are just not going to be worth it. I’m much more careful as to what I’m going to commit to, either in tasks or relationships.
I’ve found some peace once I realized that others don’t give a shit usually other than about themselves. They quickly forget about it and me. I don’t get over it near as quickly, feeling that I’ve let someone down, but it passes and I realize that I’ve prioritized myself rather than others because it was necessary. It’s not selfish, rather a means of self-protection for me.
Of course, I thought I “suffered” from Mauerbauertraurigheit, but then it became my friend and I’ve eliminated a lot of grief. I used to give and give until I was overwhelmed to the point that I completely withdrew and couldn’t control doing so. Now, I recognize it in advance and purposely do it when I know it’s not going to be worth it.
I weigh the benefit against the cost and don’t do a “duty” or what I perceive as an expectation. There is a price for my loyalty, it is at least some in return. Otherwise, you don’t see me anymore.
I’ve enjoyed social distancing. It allows me to keep people away that I don’t want to talk to. I can see it coming a mile away and with Covid I can pull away, claiming the 6 foot “health” distance.
I can’t stand it when people get in your face and won’t take the social hint that I want to be done. I try not to be rude, but some people have to be stopped. This is perfect. Some people won’t take no for an answer. This is the perfect no.
As usual, I probably shouldn’t be allowed to have one as I would use it too often. I’d probably burn it out from overuse.
The book stores in my new town are scarce and don’t offer what I was looking for. It was the standard issue current stuff, mostly by people that don’t interest me – celebtards.
I had to go downtown for the annual insurance rodeo and the Library was a block away. I figured what the hay, I’ll get a card and kill a little time and check out the selection. I figured I was in it for a biography.
To my surprise, although the parking lot was full, there was only 4 people in there, 3 of whom were employees. There were alcoves to hide out in and I realized that it will be a great place to escape to. They had workrooms for people with laptops, but I saw rooms to escape to.
The parking downtown is tight (it’s only about 4 blocks long) and the cars were people shopping, not looking at books.
Best of all, I found some John MacDonald / Travis McGee books I couldn’t get anywhere else. Occasionally in my old town, I could find them in the 2nd hand bookstore, but it was so unorganized that I don’t think they knew what they had.
It was quiet, not because it was a library, but because there was nobody there.
I realized what a goldmine that was going to be for me. I can see where I’ll be when I need some time alone.
It is an introvert heaven, books, quiet and no people.
I like getting food from the local suppliers. It’s always fresher and taste better than from the commercial store.
Up where I am is a hippie type college town. I see a lot of people that are different than the usual man on the street. I’m ok with it as the food will be natural, meat will be grass fed and non GMO and the produce picked the day before. I keep to myself as usual.
Of course this week was the Halloween theme. It wasn’t too crazy, but I thought I’d share some pictures rather than my usual sarcasm. Don’t worry, I’ll get to that. Note, this is one of the few times that I’ll share pictures of myself. It’s a big step for an introvert who shy’s away from social media.
While I’m being sarcastic, if your family and friends bug you and you want some quiet holidays, this will help your Christmas be less stressful. Nothing gets to me as an Introvert like holidays and fake feelings, fake fun and people. Anytime I can tone it down, I will. It’s much easier to take that way. Why do people have to act different just because they are told to?
Pick either side, you don’t even have to believe in it. Pick Biden or Trump and say how bad or good they are. Don’t worry, you will piss someone off either way. Use woke subjects like BLM or LGBT2+WXYZ or whatever it is now and take sides (see what I did there? Some woke person just got mad).
I hate the false build up that comes with the holidays. They’ve expanded it to before Thanksgiving now. I went shopping today and the Christmas stuff is already out. SMH.
I rarely want to go out where there are people other than for exercise, groceries or to walk the dog.
I wanted to see Venom – Let There Be Carnage, but had the dilemma of not wanting to go. I clearly remember thinking that I’d rather stream it at home and considered bailing, but it wasn’t an option for me to view. I had another errand to do (Auto Zone, an approved Introverted place to shop) so I forced myself.
When I got to the theater, I saw that there was only one other car in the parking lot. It was a good sign. I picked the earliest showing in the day to avoid people. I was going to a geek movie so I expected the worst and that they would be at my theater of course, one of 8 at the complex.
To my delight, I was in a room that held 100 people and for the entirety of my stay, I was alone, damn near perfect.
I of course brought Clorox wipes to disinfect everything and actually enjoyed being there. One other person would have ruined it for me.
I originally saw Venom on TV because I had some time to kill and wound up loving the story. I really wanted to see the sequel and the cards lined up for me today.
I got to see Captain Kirk finally get to space and got to experience being the only one in a huge theater to see one of the few movies I’d actually pay for. It is a good movie to see. I wouldn’t bring a date though. It’s definitely not a Rom-Com.
I know it sounds weird to most, but if you are introverted this will resonate and you’ll wish you were me.
To get a full understanding of how bad it is, the WSJ ran a series on the Facebook files recently. Link here but it might require a subscription. It points out the obvious, but also that it’s such a screwed up company now that it can’t get out of it’s own way.
It talked about how it ruins the lives of people, especially teen aged girls. Zuckerberg then said how it enhances peoples lives in a washing machine spin of doublespeak.
They block who they don’t like and let who they do like post anything, even against their own policies.
Fortunately, I don’t care as I cancelled them. It along with Twitter are helping to ruin the country and people’s lives around the world. It has taken a political position on things. I don’t care which side it picks, but it should have been a neutral platform.
Instead, it is now a high school place where you are a part of the in crowd or not. Those with a triple digit IQ should move to a better and more productive place, like going outside and enjoying life.
It was too childish for me and I didn’t want to open it anymore to see the spew that comes from it.
I still talk to those who really are my friends. Most of them were never on Facebook.
For Introverts, not being on it also lets you escape from a lot of noise that sucks your personal energy and time.
“The only normal people are the ones you don’t know very well.”
I swear this is true. I’ve found that everyone has a story. Some people call it skeletons, but when you hear about their lives, it weaves together who they really are. Pretty soon, you have to decide if they are worth it.
There are generally patterns to people and they repeat them, almost predictably. The more you find out, the less you want to do with them, except certain activities you can stand to do together.
There are some that overlook a lot of stuff because they wish to be with someone. That’s why people flock to celebtards for example.
I had to deal with a lot of famous people in my life. After spending only a little time with them, I couldn’t wait to get away.
Fortunately, there are a few people who truly who have a list of qualities that are better than their bad ones. I hope you can find a few.
The rest are people who are people. They show themselves to be who they are. You just learn about it over time. You have to decide if you will be putting up with or they need to be eliminated from your life to avoid being poisoned.
Finally, examine yourself. You probably are that person to others. I guess try not to be, but don’t fake it, be yourself. If you don’t belong, don’t. If one of you is not normal and it’s not the other person, it’s you.
I’m old enough to be past it yet even yesterday it happened. Some douchebag had 4 containers of strawberries open and was picking out the best ones. He was touching all the food and stealing from the store.
I could have asked politely to stop it. Instead, I gave him shit for about 5 minutes, not once but twice and threatened to call the store manager on him. While others were thanking me, including the employees stocking the shelves, I still wish I could have done it calmer.
Had we not been in public, I would have decked him and had to hold myself back from doing so. I should be more mature, but no. My social skills that I’ve practiced for decades deserted me and I lost it in public. I’m usually emotionless, preferring to avoid people as much as possible and yet I go off on someone in the middle of the grocery store.
I still feel I was in the right to stop it, but surely could have acted more like an adult than a schoolyard adolescent.
There are a lot of jokes about extroverts adopting introverts and so forth, but the answer on really how to get to know one is less obvious to the world. It is clear as a bright sunshine day to introverts.
I know I have little patience for small talk. I don’t want to hear about surface level nonsense that is mostly irrelevant. It becomes a Facebook discussion on saying anything you can to get the most likes in the conversation.
That is a social rule that was written by extroverts because they are louder and dominate the discussions. When the yapping starts, I watch the introverts shutting down. It is mentally draining. It takes me days to recover from having to listen to this.
I’d rather just not talk and I don’t go to a lot of things just to not to have to hear it. I like the people, but the energy draining isn’t worth it.
On the other hand, if you want to talk about something meaningful, watch me open up. We don’t have to talk about derivative equations, but cut the shit and meaningless banter. I have a great depth of knowledge on many subjects and enjoy the conversation that is intellectually stimulating.
Fortunately, I am not bound by whether someone likes me for what I say or comply to. There are a lot of times I’m grateful that someone thinks I may be anti-social because I don’t want to listen to gossip. It’s usually a hate fest anyway.
I had an oncologist tell me that girls will tell other girls how good they look when it is awful, just so they will wear it and look bad. How effed up is that? They hate each other and I don’t want to hear about it.
So get to know me. That is two fold. Don’t gossip or try to keep the conversation going for the sake of talking. The other is try to go below the surface and show that you have thoughts about something sincere, really anything. Try pets for example. How tough is that?
I’ll do my part and even put up with the introductory small talk to get to know you, but if it doesn’t go past that very soon and you start repeating the same thing, or if it’s just trashing someone else, I’m out.
I’m busy researching something else to write about the Covid Jab ingredients and why they created the formula a certain way, so I’m somewhat apathetic about being clever today. Enjoy this one for now.
I will say this is how I feel about small talk though. Introverts will get that.
I have to talk to someone from my past soon. I hope to clear the BS out of the way and have an actual conversation, but it will depend on them. Otherwise, I’m shutting it down and giving them best wishes, also known as I’ll let you go now.
I get to make a long drive today. This is what it’s going to look like in feeling except I’m alone. I first thought that this guy was by himself, but I’ll pretend it’s his dog, who would probably be a helluva lot more quiet.
FWIW, I’m looking to get another truck after I’m through with my current car. I’ve enjoyed them every time I’ve owned one. You get to sit up high and see everything. You are also further away from others that way.
The partner next to me today will be no one. My company is an audible book. The title is Algorithm’s to live by, by Brian Christian. It is mind blowingly complex thinking, but really helps you in life and will turn your mind internally by a mile.
I do get to see the rest of my family and dog when I get there and look forward to it. I love them, but being alone lets me re-charge my social energy.
You bet it was. There were a lot of sacrifices and a lot of learning about investing, managing money and faith in God. It turns out that we were blessed with an abundance of riches, only a small amount of which are financial.
We were alone.
Fortunately, my wife was on the same page. Heck, my Mom even taught me how to save as she lived through the depression. She could make anything last longer than possible. That woman sacrificed for us and I noticed. My siblings however never learned. Mom told me she taught each of us the same lessons, but said no one else listened to her.
I caught a lot of crap from my friends.
Working in the airline industry is very common for my family and friends. We have many pilots and flight attendants in that group.
Rick, with whom I went to school with since 7th grade, gave me a ton of grief when we were in our late 20’s. He was serving cokes for a living (stewardess) and wasted 15 years of his life doing it. He was broke when he quit.
I spoke to him one Saturday when I was at work. He told me that he only worked 2 weeks a month and was off to Hawaii for free, rubbing it in my face that I had to work. When I hung up, I knew right then that I was making a short term sacrifice for long term gain. I would be retiring early while being financially safe and knew I would have to work hard to accomplish it. I said to myself that I would make it my goal and I’d be playing golf while he was working. He still is working today, and when he got to the real world I’d had 16 years of experience. I had owned my own business shortly after that conversation. FWIW, I played golf this week and have enjoyed a long retirement while he was in tech support.
Did I get even with him?
I chose not to rub it in because the facts show our different outcomes. I’m glad I have mine. I knew I would be financially set and stuck with it in life. Every day is Saturday for me now and he is living off of Social Security.
Being an introvert, I don’t want to get into it anyway and he doesn’t want to talk much anymore. I don’t care what happens to others as I can’t control anything other than my destiny. I’m sorry he didn’t listen to me. He told me he resented that job for 13 of the 15 years he did it and hates his current job.
A theme and a pattern.
It wasn’t only my siblings and friends. When I sold my business and went to work for IBM, they were the same. When it came time for me to say goodbye, my house was paid off and we had saved. Almost no one could believe that I was pulling the plug that early. They thought it was some scandal that I had to quit and were very disappointed that the reason I retired was because I could. Most of them were keeping up with the Jones and didn’t save. I looked some of them up and they are still stuck working at the same job when I left.
I turned down moving to New York to “climb the ladder” because living there sucks and I didn’t want to raise a family there. People told me when they moved to New York, they got to pay 30% more for everything, for less than I made. Again, I knew that I was making the right decision for my family not to go there to “get ahead” (behind would have been the actual case if I’d gone there).
Dad worked until he was 70. Work defined his life. He was lost when he retired.
Working was only a means to an end for me. To be fair, I was fortunate enough to be highly successful and God decided that I should be compensated for it. That helped make it happen, but if you go back to my siblings, they earned more than me at times. They still work though as most of it was wasted on useless stuff.
Dad couldn’t understand my goals, but I had so much going on that work was interfering with my life, so I stopped. I never regretted it.
A lot of the IBM’rs died shortly after retiring because they had to work a long time. I saw that and knew I wanted to enjoy my life. Now, every day is Saturday for me.
I have enjoyed each day these last 10 years. Heck, I’m the president of the how to enjoy your retirement club. Never once did I think about going back because I didn’t have to.
If there is any lesson, it is in the post of how to become a millionaire.
Next, my names aren’t as nice as the first two. Most of mine fall into the last category, although I treat men and women equally when doing this in my head. Basically, I go the interaction that made the most lasting impression and call them a profane form of the of said impression, then progress from there if they need it.
I mostly forget the people as I don’t want to remember any that come my way if possible. The ones I can’t avoid get some name other than the one they were born with. I’ll remember the nickname if I see them though.
When all else fails, I easily lump them in one category that covers a lot of space, dickhead.
One day I’ll get busted for talking to myself out loud and someone’s going to ask who is the ………..that I’m talking about?
By far, my most popular posts are What’s it like to have a high IQ and this one, Euphemisms for Stupid. For a decade, this post was #1 worldwide in Google on how to call someone stupid.
More people have re-used content on this post around the world than some marketing campaigns by Facebook, and that is where a lot of it wound up it seemed (and I still have a happy life after I fired them).
To honor that post, I updated it today (there are almost a hundred creative ways to say someone fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down or that they couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel) with this one:
Enjoy, and if you want to find out a way to say someone is stupid that you’ve never heard of, go get you some at the link above.
I saw my life flashing before my eyes as I’ve been winnowing relationships somewhat based on this formula, just on my terms. When I felt someone wasn’t loyal to our relationship, it starts going downhill until I draw the Maginot line and it’s over. I treat others like they treat me.
I didn’t realize how much of a drag on your mental health these relationships are. It has been for me, but I’d made a conscious decision to end them whenever possible when they got toxic for me.
Sometimes it’s Mauerbauertraurigheit, but that is a last resort for me and I have no control over leaving people when that happens. Mostly, I reach a moment of truth and fade away. I don’t ghost people, but I actively avoid them and decline as much as possible until they get the hint. Most of the time, I just get forgotten.
Here are some excerpts, but I’m highlighting only parts of it, what was the blinking light to me. Here goes….
Then there is a category of people which sits right in between. You might call them “frenemies,” though the “enemy” part of that compound can feel like too strong a descriptor. Social scientists have a better term for these kinds of ties: “ambivalent relationships.”
Both positive and negative elements exist in every relationship. In a good, supportive relationship, the positive significantly outweighs the negative. In a bad, aversive relationship, the negative significantly outweighs the positive. In an ambivalent relationship, neither the positive nor the negative predominates; your feelings about the person are decidedly mixed. Sometimes this person is encouraging, and sometimes they’re critical. Sometimes they’re fun, and sometimes they’re a drag. Sometimes they’re there for you, and sometimes they’re not. Sometimes you really like and even love them, and sometimes they bug the ever-living tar out of you.
We can have ambivalent relationships with co-workers, friends, family, and even our spouses. And while we don’t tend to think about our ambivalent relationships as much as we do those on the more polarized ends of the affection spectrum, they actually make up about half of our social networks.
Here’s how it is for me in their words:
Sometimes the connection you feel with someone is very strong when you first meet, but over the subsequent years and decades, you change, and they change, so that your lifestyles, outlooks, and personalities end up more and more disparate. You still think of yourselves as friends, and still have a bond built on a shared history, but your connection is more conflicted than it once was. (Social media really sucks on this one).
Sometimes you’re friends with someone because your spouse is friends with their spouse. They’re not someone you would have actively chosen to be friends with, but because you spend time together as couples, you end up in a relationship, albeit an ambivalent one. (Me, I hate this one. I’ve yet to connect with any of them as they weren’t my friends, they were her friend’s spouse that I was forced to hang with, but we never would otherwise.)
Sometimes you’re just thrown together with people. There are office colleagues and fellow church congregants and roommates who you neither strongly like nor strongly dislike, but that you come to feel quite familiar with because of how much time you spend together. Sometimes this familiarity rises to the level of affection, and sometimes it doesn’t, and sometimes the relationship just kind of is what it is. (Still, I’ve never really made a close friend from this group. They are people I have to put up with for a period of time. I know how much time that is and it is a countdown until whatever social engagement I’m forced into is over).
It goes on to say:
And, of course, there’s the whole dynamic of family. You may have grown up around certain blood relations, but you otherwise share little in common, and the fact you still get together is based more on biological bonds, and the expectations around filial piety and familial obligation, than genuine desire and enjoyment. You’re in fact more likely to have ambivalent relationships with family members than friends, which makes sense; while relationships with friends are a matter of voluntary choice, you end up connected to family members by chance.
I have little in common with any biological family anymore outside of my wife and kids. I wonder about them sometimes. Most are gone, but for the ones that are left, if we weren’t related, we’d never talk (and with most, we don’t). The ones that are left seemed to agree with me to keep each other at arms length. I avoid funerals and weddings if at all possible as I don’t need to catch up. I don’t want to talk about my life to people who are strangers other than the biological relationship.
As I recall growing up, my siblings weren’t my friends. Most of the time they would rather try to get me into trouble starting with telling on me to parents on stuff I didn’t do, progressing to talking shit about me to mutual acquaintances at school just to tear me down publicly or socially. We were forced together as a group. We don’t do anything other than the perfunctory requirements and no one really says anything. Even on vacation when young, I was off on my own on any downtime.
I know I never looked forward to any overnight trip to visit any relatives, even as a kid. I thought most of them were a bit creepy. As an introvert, I pulled away from the social gatherings that usually happened around a big meal. It was dreadful. I didn’t even know I was introverted, it naturally happened.
Now, I just try not to initiate any conversation with them to avoid them even thinking about me. If I can turn down a family gathering that involves siblings, count on it.
As far as other relatives, I’m fortunate to have my wife’s relatives living in another country. I’ve done stuff with them, but they for the most part revert to bashing either the USA, or want to try to make America a socialist country like theirs. They consistently trash what is morally right and it’s tiring to listen to. I’ve been fed up with it since 9/11 when they told me America overreacted, and this was before Iraq. If there is a position that is wrong, I can count on them to take it they are such a group of socialists. I can only take so much USA bashing and am now done with them. I just won’t go anymore.
I couldn’t figure these relationships out because I wasn’t born socially gifted like others. Being an introvert, I do have powers of observation and body language skills I’ve had to develop to determine friend or foe. It also helps me determine who is going to waste my time or try to get me to do shit I don’t want to do anymore. Now, I say no.
Why Ambivalent Relationships Are So Terrible for You
Supportive relationships have been shown to buffer stress, boost resilience, and improve physical and mental health.
Aversive relationships have been shown to amplify stress, diminish resilience, and damage physical and mental health.
You might think that because ambivalent relationships feel middle-of-the-road, their impact on your life would be similarly neutral. But in fact, multiple studies have shown that their effect is significantly and uniformly negative, and that “ambivalent relationships not only are less effective at helping individuals cope with stress but also may be sources of stress themselves.”
Studies have found that your blood pressure goes up more when you interact with someone with whom you have an ambivalent relationship, than it does when you interact with someone with whom you have a supportive relationship. Even just anticipating interacting with an ambivalent tie triggers a greater increase in heart rate and blood pressure. Researchers speculate that this heightened stress response is due to the unpredictability of an ambivalent relationship: Are you going to enjoy your time with this person or are you going to get in a fight? Are you going to have fun or just feel annoyed? Are they going to be supportive or critical?
We might hypothesize a couple other reasons that cardiovascular reactivity increases when interacting with ambivalent ties.
One is the greater exercise of self-control you have to muster during one of these interactions; you have to check yourself from rolling your eyes, showing signs of your boredom or frustration, offering an overly harsh rebuttal to an opinion you strongly disagree with — and this takes effort. The heightened stress response experienced around ambivalent ties may also be due to the psychic split you feel over whether you even want to be hanging out with this person at all. You don’t dread seeing them the way you might the dentist, but you don’t really look forward to seeing them, either. The interaction feels more compulsory than voluntary, more obligatory than willful, and we feel a measure of frustration when we don’t experience ourselves as fully autonomous and have to do things that are contrary to our personal desires. (This is how I almost always feel anymore. I have to work up to want to go out with someone and want to know when it will end so I know when I can leave. There are very few I look forward to seeing anymore. Most people who think we are friends don’t know that we aren’t).
Here’s the really surprising thing: blood pressure not only rises more when you’re interacting with an ambivalent tie versus a supportive one, it also rises more when you’re interacting with an ambivalent tie than it does when you’re interacting with an aversive one. In other words, you feel more stressed when interacting with someone you like/dislike, than you do when interacting with someone you entirely dislike.
I end it by saying not for me. The trouble is in the interaction with people. When I just don’t, my blood pressure is better and any stress over socializing is avoided.
I’d rather not talk to them, especially the majority of those I’m related to. I like the pets though.
This example is a bit much in introspection, but the point is that examining yourself and your life gives you a window to learn who you are and why you do what you do.
Most people don’t take the time to look at past events to see why you act now like you do. Occasionally, one remembers something familiar, but that is when you have the time to think or daydream, like when it happens to you when you remember a familiar song. This is just knowledge that you have.
WHY WE DON’T STOP TO THINK ABOUT ME
I’m not talking about the online and public me (and I mean you here). Everyone takes care of that and primps or struts accordingly, especially on social media.
Life is more chaotic than social media and can hit you in the face. You are on instinct then unless you have prepared for whatever. Some are just instinctual about it. Others could be on the discovery of a lifetime if they learned why they act that way.
I know you can’t be ready for everything, but everyone knows their strengths and weaknesses. Some refuse to admit them though. Those that can will master their greatest opponent, yourself.
That’s where self-awareness comes in. I look at patterns so if the same type of event or response to something happens, I put the information together and can deal with the problem better. Not your run of the mill stuff, but how am I messing up relationships or how did a situation go from great to hell with one misstep on my part.
Instead of asking have I faced this before, what lesson did I learn, I want to know why is this happening again to me because of something I did, said or forgot to do? How was I successful in dealing with it or avoiding it? What lesson was learned past don’t burn your hand on the stove. It’s never the obvious answer.
Most can do this type of recall with a single occurrence of a prior or recent event that happened, but I go back to my youth and multiple iterations of a pattern that becomes obvious. The things that happen to me now when it goes bad probably happened to me in my earliest formidable years, but I forgot the lesson. I’m at a point in my life that I’m remembering that stuff now and it has affected how I look at life now.
I discovered my personality was the same although I, like everyone else can be an actor and can put on a different front. Usually it was a job interview or a first date, something we all go through.
Now, it’s take it or leave it with what you get from me. I don’t pretend and I also stop short of telling (most) people off and walk away. No one can fire me and I fired Twitter and Fake book.
My private thoughts go somewhere else. When I look back at my younger self now, I see the same person, only one who is trying to figure out why it is happening. Now, when the SHTF, I’m ready as I’ve read where I mis-stepped before and usually think it through before I get into trouble.
As long as I’m being self-aware, I can usually remember to shut the F**k up in time to not make the same mistake twice. I also learned to build, fix and mend things around the house, but that is easy compared to people.
One day, maybe I’ll look back and remember something that will help me in the future.
I want to look back fondly that I at least improved or grew in how I acted or re-acted. Occasionally I do. Mostly, I’m still learning not to be a screw up.
Look back when something is familiar and think of times as a kid when this lesson was first taught. Either that or look back on forgotten memorable times to enjoy.
Be careful. This doesn’t mean completely blowing off others, just not running your life by what others think.
I look to times when I can go alone somewhere, especially when I worked and had to travel with others. I’d already spent the work day with them, please let me recover alone and not have to go out. We wouldn’t have at home so why now?
I saw others in that jail as early as middle school and I knew I didn’t want to be there. I only let things in that I need to hear.
I’m going out of my way to avoid gossip also. It’s as bad as Facebook and Twitter. My life is better without them also.
“You can pretend to be serious; you can’t pretend to be witty.” – Sacha Guitry
I can’t tell you how many arguments I’ve won in the shower, 3 hours after they took place. Sometimes, 3 days after the event took place, I think of the wittiest comeback possible, but the world moved on 2 days, 23 hours and 59 minutes ago.
I can however be the most serious person you will know and mean it. I also don’t have to pretend to be loyal, considerate and other traits that may be inborn or taught by my parents. That comes as naturally as breathing. If I’m not, the other person did something to cause me to treat them like they treat me.
Some however, like a relative I have that has both wit and a sharp tongue at their disposal. It is frustrating for people like me. I know I have something correct and salient and even when history proves it, the moment is over and I’m left frustrated by (lack of) words.
The only time I have a comeback is when I’ve already prepared for the onslaught. If it is spontaneous, then so is my conversation skills bonfire of destruction.
I’ve written out responses just to be able to be ready. It occasionally works, but only if the stars align.
Some wonder why Introverts are quiet. Besides the fact that we are mostly listening, we don’t want to die in a verbal dual where we stand no chance to those who start talking fast and first.
I’m learning to say stop before they get a roll going and I get flattened.
I bet I forget names as quickly as you do. There are memory aids like associating a name with an object or another person to help you, but who remembers that when you are just trying to hear their name the first time?
I gave up trying to dance around the subject and just say I’m getting old or my hearing is going (both likely to be true) and ask them to tell me again. More often than not, they forgot my name also.
Most likely, I just move along and not really care. I find that being nice and waiting to see if they will really enter your life or is it just being cordial determines if I’m going to remember their name.
Either way, it’s a conversation starter, not something for Introverts so it won’t be me unless I just want to ignore everyone.
Mauerbauertraurigkeit (n.) – the inexplicable urge to push people away.
This doozy of a word may add an extra dimension to our socially exhausted state. Mauerbauertraurigkeit means: “The inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like — as if all your social taste buds suddenly went numb, leaving you unable to distinguish cheap politeness from the taste of genuine affection, unable to recognize its rich and ambiguous flavors, its long and delicate maturation, or the simple fact that each tasting is double-blind.”
I’m not sure if this is a true psychological condition that is being taught or is proven like the Theory of General Relativity, but I know it is true.
Recently, it happened to me and I pulled out of some things I was doing. Partly it was Covid and partly it was Mauerbauertraurigkeit. There were different reasons, but remember I’m a patterns in life guy. I notice when it happens.
It’s happened to me all my life. I can’t stay with a group for much more than a couple of years. It depends on how obsessed I am with what I’m doing as to how much I’ll put up with before I have to go. I was socially and emotionally exhausted and my will just forced me away. It was if I was watching what was happening and couldn’t (and didn’t want to) stop it.
As it turns out, all the groups I left were for a good reason and were the right decisions in aftermath, but at the time I was socially overwhelmed. The realization that I was free from the social obligations that kill me inside, little by little was blissfully comforting.
Normally, Covid would have been a problem as I wouldn’t have to go to groups I didn’t want to. Unfortunately, they invented Zoom and those of us who actually need body language to read people can’t.
Fortunately, I live a whole different life in my head as do most Introverts so I go there many times during Zoom. If I’m on mute, I probably muted not thinking about what was on the call.
I will say this, most extroverts are not polite about this and want to include you on all of their tedious activities, and want to know why you don’t want to do everything with everybody. They literally force me away because they want to be all up into my stuff. I suffered at work from this until I found ways to get out of social activities.
The answer and I guess the moral is when I’ve had enough, either for the day or for life, I have to get away and I can’t help it. I leave and never come back usually.
I can’t be alone on this. A lot of people are overwhelmed socially.
I imagine some people think they were ghosted, when in fact the person couldn’t help themself from pulling away.
And Now for Guys, I present the Nothing Box. Girls, you should pay attention if you really want to understand men, even though you’ll never really get it.
Also Guys, understanding why women’s minds are so busy is also explained. It’s something we’ll never get.
What is so funny to me is that every time I try to explain it to a girl, she can’t understand it or wants to get into my nothing box. They never understand that if you got into my nothing box, it would be a different box (see at 8:15 where nothing is something). Watch and see:
First of all, don’t get bent that I put China virus in the title. I’m testing big brother to see if they’ll censor me or not. Yes, I’m pushing the limits because, well because.
Back to the meme, it hasn’t changed much for me, other than having more people in the house. Being alone is where I find myself headed by nature. I have to remember to be social to the others because I can get so into my own world that the outside exists, but is no where near as fun or anything but a distraction.