Euphemisms For Farting

I posted Euphemisms for stupid a while back and it’s still pretty high on the search list. I was in the shower, where I do some of my best thinking and gathered some of these off the web. I have also posted on how much farts weigh.

No matter who you are, you fart. Most people think it’s funny. Old people don’t care and just let it go whenever. Guys have farting contests and remember the loudest, longest and smelliest ones. Girls say it’s gross in from of others, but let it rip when they are alone.

Everybody thinks it’s funny if someone famous gets caught.

229 best Laughing "Gas" images on Pinterest | Funny stuff ...
Prince Phillip ripping one in front of the Royals

It’s still a Covid test. If you can smell it, you don’t have Covid.

Enjoy

Air bagel

Air biscuit

Airbrush the boxers

Air tulip

Anal acoustics

Anal ‘ahem’

Anal audio

Anal exhale

Anal salute

Anal volcano

Anus applause

Answering the call of the wild burrito

back blast

Back draft

Back-end blowout

Backdoor breeze

Backdoor sneeze

Backfire

Bake an air biscuit

Baking brownies

Bark

Barking spider

Barn burner

Bean blower

Beef

Beefer

Beep your horn

Belch from behind

Belching clown

Benchwarmer

Better open a window

Blast

Blast the chair

Blat

Blow mud

Blow the big brown horn

Blue dart

Blurp

Blurt

Bomber

Boom-boom

Booty bomb

Booty cough

Bottom blast

Bottom burp

Booty belch

Break the sound barrier

Break wind

Breath of fresh air

Brown cloud

Brown dart

Brown haze

Brown horn brass band

Brown thunder

Bubbler

Bull snort

BUMsen burner

Bun shaker

Bung blast

Burning rubber

Burner

Burp out the wrong end

Bust ass

Buster

Butt bazooka

Butt bleat

Butt bongos

Butt burp

Butt cheek screech

Butt dumpling

Butt percussion

Butt sneeze

Butt trauma

Butt trumpet

Butt tuba

Butt wind

Butt yodeling

Buttock bassoon

Chair air

Cheek flapper

Cheek squeak

Cheeser

Cheesin’

Colon bowlin’

Colonic Calliope

Crack a rat

Crack concert

Crack one off

Crack splitters

Crap call

Crop dusting

Crowd killer

Cut a stinker

Cut one

Cut the cheese

Death breath

Deflating

Doing the one cheek sneak

Doing the two cheek sneak

Drifter

Drop a bomb

Droppin’ stink bombs

Duck call

Eggy

Emptying the tank

Exhume the dinner corpse

Exploding bottom

Exterminator

False pooper

Fanny beep

Fanny frog

Fart (of course)

Fecal fume

Fire a Stink torpedo

Fire in the hole

Firing the retro rocket

Fizzler

Flame thrower

Flamer

Flapper

Flatulate

Flatulence

Flatus

Flipper

Float an air biscuit

Floater

Floof

Fluffer

Fluffy

Fogger

Fog horn

Fog slicer

Fowl howl

Fragrant foof

Free jacuzzi

Freep

Free speech

Frump

Fumigating

Funky roller

Gas

Gas attack

Gas blaster

Gas master

Get out and walk Donald

Ghost turd

Gluteal maximus gas a mess

Gluteal tuba

Great brown cloud

Grundle rumble

Grunt

Gurgler

Heinie hiccup

Heinous Anus

Hisser

Hole flapper

Honk

Honker

Horton hears a poo

Hot wind

Hottie

Human hydrogen bomb

HUMrrhoids

Ignition

Insane in the methane

Inverted burb

Jet power

Jet propulsion

Jockey burner

Just calling your name

Just keeping warm

Kaboomer

Killing the canary

Lay an egg

Lean mean bean machine

Let each bean be heard

Let one fly

Let one go

Let one rip

Let the beans out

Lethal cloud

Let Polly out of jail

Make a stink

Mating call

Methane bomb

Methane dart

Methane mating call

Methane pain

Mexican (food) jet propulsion

Moon gas

Mouse on a motorcycle

Mud duck

Nasty cough

Nose death

Odor bubble

Odorama

One-gun salute

One-man band

One-man brass band

One-man salute

Orchestra practice

O-ring oboe

Painting the elevator

Paint peeler

Paint stainer

Panty burp

Parp

Parper

Party in your pants

Pass gas

Pass wind

Peter

Pewie

Pip

Playing the tuba

Playing the trouser tuba

Poof

Poof-poof

Poop gas

Poop gopher

Poot

Pootsa

Pop

Pop a fluffy

Pop tart

Power puff

Puffer

Puff the Magic Dragon

Putt-putt

Quack

Quaker

Raspberry

Rattler

Rebuilding the ozone layer

Rectal honk

Rectal shout

Rectal tremor

Rectal turbulence

Release a squeaker

Release the hounds

Rip one

Ripped the cheese

Ripper

Ripple

Roar from the rear

Roast the jockeys

Room clearer

Rump ripper

Rump roar

Saluting my shorts

Scud missle

Shoot the cannon

Silent and scentless

Silent but deadly

Silly cyanide

Singe the pants/chair/etc

Skunk bait

Slider

Sphincter siren

Sphincter song

Sphincter whistle

Spitter

Split the seam

Squeaker

Squeak one out

Stale wind

Steam-press your pants

Steamer

Step on a duck

Step on a frog

Stink bomb

Stink burger

Stink it up

Stinker

Stinky

Stinkmeaner

Tail wind

Taint tickle

Thunder from down under

Thurp

Toilet tune

Toot

Toot your own horn

Tootsie

Trouser cough

Trouser trumpet

Trunk bunk

Turd tremors

Turtle burp

Tushy tickler

Uncorked one

Uncorking

Under burp

Under thunder

Venting

Vent one

Wallop

Whiff

Whoopee

Whopper

Zinger

These came from Farthub

Saturday Mood, Don’t Forget World Introvert Day Is Tomorrow

So I dedicated this to our current government, Fauci, the Jab, the CCP, MSM, celebtards, sportstards, freeloaders who could be working, social media and those trying to control the narrative on things like Covid, Election Fraud, race hustlers, mail in ballots and a lot of other 2021 crap.

There, did I cover everything? I think not but I’ll get to it in 2022.

Oh, and Epstein didn’t hang himself and neither will Ghislaine Maxwell.

Happy New Year

New Years Eve, How I Celebrate As An Introvert

First of all, this like Valentines Day are celebrations I call amateur night. People who make a huge deal of a day don’t know how to handle it and these are the ones that over do it. I avoid them and the carnage they bring on others from being too boisterous, not being sincere to who they really are to doing things like driving drunk and causing unnecessary harm to others.

To me, it’s just another day. Hopefully I’ll wake up tomorrow, and if I do, it will be the same as every other day. I can enjoy it for being the day that it is without having to heap any false hype on it.

I don’t recall being up at midnight in recent years because I’d rather sleep and feel better tomorrow. I gave up drinking a long time ago and will feel a lot better than the pretenders who think that they need to be the life of the party. I don’t have to put my hope of entertainment on an event that isn’t significant on 12:01.

Sure, some will call me a party-pooper, but then I’d have to care what others think of me, and I don’t. I’m not motivated by likes on social media either because I have a life lived on my terms. Not being defined by others has helped me not to be dependent on others for my happiness.

I don’t have any regrets for acting the fool because I overdid it the night before.

I hope others enjoy and do whatever it is that they are going to do. I don’t need the attention and am happier with my dog and a book.

Oh, I live with an extrovert. It doesn’t make her any happier, but I’ve been clear that you can’t make me extroverted because you are. She’s come to realize that tomorrow will happen just like today, yesterday and the day before.

No one will give a tinkers damn about New Years in a couple of days anyway, so I don’t today.

I don’t suffer from expectations not met, or hangovers that aren’t necessary.

Merry Christmas – A Smattering Of Holiday Meme’s To Laugh At, Dripping With Sarcasm

Of course, the greatest Christmas movie, Diehard
My dog likes to pee on trees

With credits to Woosterman, 90 Miles, Knuckledraggin’ and others. Enjoy and have a Merry Christmas, not Happy Holidays.

Learning Foreign Languages And Competition

I’ve done Duo Lingo for over 1000 days in a row. It’s good for “older” people to challenge your mind, plus I get to speak and understand other than English. I get to poke the European’s in the eye a bit who claim that American’s only speak English (my wife’s family). Let’s not forget that we are a country of immigrants.

I also have a hard time not wanting to win everything I enter. I consider it a failure not to give it your 100%.

I’ve worked my way up to the diamond league and every week you compete against 29 other people. I’ve won 3 times, including last week.

I didn’t just win, I dominated my group. I had it sowed up by Thursday and just watched the others not try as I kept at it.

I have a real hard time not competing. As Vince Lombardi once said, “If winning isn’t everything, why do they keep score?”

My screen name is Italian for my real name. I studied Italian, German, Latin, French, Spanish and Klingon last week.

All Fishermen Lie, Except Me

I fished competitively for a while. Even the fishing shows will tell you to hold your catch closer to the camera to make it look bigger.

If you are the only one there, no one can prove that it wasn’t a pound or two heavier, or an inch or foot shorter.

I’m sure I never exaggerated about my catch……ever.

Anti-Social Device

I’ve enjoyed social distancing. It allows me to keep people away that I don’t want to talk to. I can see it coming a mile away and with Covid I can pull away, claiming the 6 foot “health” distance.

I can’t stand it when people get in your face and won’t take the social hint that I want to be done. I try not to be rude, but some people have to be stopped. This is perfect. Some people won’t take no for an answer. This is the perfect no.

As usual, I probably shouldn’t be allowed to have one as I would use it too often. I’d probably burn it out from overuse.

Headline Of The Day – Man’s penis rots after being bitten by snake while sitting on toilet in South Africa

From The New York Post

A Dutch man had to undergo reconstructive surgery on his penis after a cobra bit his manhood during a safari trip in South Africa — causing it to rot.

The 47-year-old victim suffered scrotal necrosis after the cold-blooded serpent, which was lurking in the toilet bowl, attacked, according to Urology Case Reports.

In what the medical journal described as the first case of “snouted cobra envenomation of the genitals,” the unidentified man had to wait three hours before he was flown by helicopter to the nearest trauma center some 220 miles away.

“His penis and scrotum were noted to be swollen, deep purple in color, and painful on hospital admission. Scrotal necrosis was diagnosed, and he received multiple doses of a non-specific snake venom antiserum and broad-spectrum antibiotics,” according to the medical report.

The man reported vomiting and a burning sensation as well as pain that shot up from his groin into the abdomen and upper chest – though he developed no neurological symptoms during the ordeal.

He required hemodialysis due to acute kidney injury before undergoing reconstructive surgery.

see also

Cobra.

Indian man gets life sentence for killing wife with cobra

“The scrotal necrosis was reported to involve the entire fascia (skin to internal spermatic) and was excised with extensive margins. Primary closure was performed, leaving a drain in situ,” Urology Case Reports said.

“The defect in the penile shaft was treated by superficial debridement and a vacuum assisted closure pump. After 9 days, the patient was repatriated to the Netherlands,” it added.

A plastic surgeon later performed a “penile shaft debridement, with extensive resection of dead tissue extending into the corpus spongiosum to the fold of the preputium.” A graft from the groin was then placed over the penis and he has made a full recovery.

Necrosis – or necrotizing fasciitis, commonly referred to as the “flesh-eating disease” — is a potentially deadly condition caused by bacteria infecting tissue. The condition, which spreads quickly, requires immediate treatment with intravenous antibiotics.

Why My Generation Isn’t Easily Offended

Or This:

Andrew Dice Clay: The Diceman Cometh -- Opener - YouTube

Or This:

Eddie Murphy Delirious DVD Release Date

In these skits are just about everything that the cancel culture is against. My friends and I still talk in code from the album, “Is it Something I said?”

These are some of the funniest skits and talents there have been. Too bad the snowflakes won’t be able to appreciate it.

Here’s one final shot at childish and sophomoric, yet humorous comedy:

Beavis and Butt-Head Do Portugal. The Man Concert Opener

I leave you with this. Who knows what, “yeah, and it’s deep too” means?

The New Paging Mike Hunt

At one job, one of the tech support guys spoofed the receptionist and she paged Mike Hunt across the entire warehouse. It was funny. All the guys got it, but only some of the girls.

It was childish, but it broke up the day. It also was very funny to me.

#LGB #FJB

An Introvert Hideout – The Library

The book stores in my new town are scarce and don’t offer what I was looking for. It was the standard issue current stuff, mostly by people that don’t interest me – celebtards.

I had to go downtown for the annual insurance rodeo and the Library was a block away. I figured what the hay, I’ll get a card and kill a little time and check out the selection. I figured I was in it for a biography.

To my surprise, although the parking lot was full, there was only 4 people in there, 3 of whom were employees. There were alcoves to hide out in and I realized that it will be a great place to escape to. They had workrooms for people with laptops, but I saw rooms to escape to.

The parking downtown is tight (it’s only about 4 blocks long) and the cars were people shopping, not looking at books.

Best of all, I found some John MacDonald / Travis McGee books I couldn’t get anywhere else. Occasionally in my old town, I could find them in the 2nd hand bookstore, but it was so unorganized that I don’t think they knew what they had.

It was quiet, not because it was a library, but because there was nobody there.

I realized what a goldmine that was going to be for me. I can see where I’ll be when I need some time alone.

It is an introvert heaven, books, quiet and no people.

Why Men Don’t Make Good Women – Sarcasm Style

If we had boobs, we’d spend all the time playing with them. If we were together, we’d use them as squirt guns and shoot milk at each other.

I read that only a heart attack or passing a kidney stone is as painful as giving birth. That means there would be only one generation and the population would end because we wouldn’t do it.

Scenes At The Farmers Market

I like getting food from the local suppliers. It’s always fresher and taste better than from the commercial store.

Up where I am is a hippie type college town. I see a lot of people that are different than the usual man on the street. I’m ok with it as the food will be natural, meat will be grass fed and non GMO and the produce picked the day before. I keep to myself as usual.

Of course this week was the Halloween theme. It wasn’t too crazy, but I thought I’d share some pictures rather than my usual sarcasm. Don’t worry, I’ll get to that. Note, this is one of the few times that I’ll share pictures of myself. It’s a big step for an introvert who shy’s away from social media.

Anyway, here it is.

She said to say I met this witch at the farmers market.

How Do You Cheer Your Son If His Name Is Brandon? – Sarcasm Tuesday

I can make fun of anyone, and I will it. I’ll be cancelled or censored at some point. Don’t worry, no one or any side of the political scam is not safe here. I don’t play favorites.

Damn, Am I Getting Old

Of course we have contacts now and like everything else, we just look at our phones. It’s why we don’t learn anything.

How is it that I can remember my phone number as a kid. Not only that, I remember it as a name with a number. You are old if you can do that.

I dare anyone to comment if they had an alpha-numeric phone number (or name and number depending on what part of the country you are from).

I Love My Dogs With Pictures

I’ve had multiple dogs over the years. They have all had different personalities and I loved them all, in different ways.

Barney was my first dog when I was a kid. I don’t have a picture, but he was part Boxer/part mutt. We got him from a friend of my Dad’s when he was going off to seminary and had to give him up. As far as I was concerned, he was always ours. He went to the beach with us on vacation and was part of the family.

Those were the pre-leash law days so he roamed the neighborhood on his own. He left his mark on the street with many little Barney’s and some pissed off neighbors. Dogs will be dogs. He was a car chaser and got hit. He recovered, but as Mom said, it took the spirit out of him.

When I got my S*** together in life, we got Conan. He was a rambunctious Golden. Through a breeding mistake, he got hip displaysia and only lasted 10 years. He was happy and had a good life. I learned how to train dogs and we bonded. As with all our dogs, I understood what he needed and took care of all his medical needs.

Bandit was my day pal. We picked her up from a breeder. I’ll be honest, we got a boxer because we wanted a smaller dog than Conan and a female, but we got a bundle of energy that was more than 3 Conan’s. As I think back, we got her because of Barney. They were the same color and size. She was fearless and friendly and loved everyone.

We named her Bandit from the dog in the Jonny Quest comics that I watched faithfully.

I was working at home by now. Being an introvert, I was happier being with her than people and she was by my side. We were together almost 15 years. It was almost like ET and Elliot. I knew what she needed intuitively. Where I went, she went. I took care of all her needs and she was my dog more than anyone in the family because of her.

Bandit

I got her ashes, but couldn’t bear to bury them until I processed my feelings. I planted a dwarf Japanese Maple and she rests now forever there.

Bandit’s Tree

After taking a year off when Bandit finally left us, we decided to venture into the dog game again. I decided on a rescue and took my son to adopt another dog. He was with me when we got Bandit, but being so young, I picked Bandit from the litter to try and get the right one.

He helped me with picking out Boone. He noticed that out of all the dogs we looked at, he was the most gentile. While he looks lie a black lab, we later found out that he was part Boxer, so I guess that is a the theme in my life. He doesn’t have the energy that Bandit did, but neither do I anymore.

He is a great dog. Again he and I bonded more than anyone else in the family, even though he loves everyone and every other dog. Cats and deer, not so much.

My son was attached to Bandit and to Boone. When he went on his own, he got his own dog Raider. She is also colored like Bandit, but is a mix of a lot of breeds, a mutt. She is a great dog, but with a lot of energy. She is less friendly with other dogs, but loves Boone.

Without trying, I bonded with her also. She knows I’m an alpha and that I am the lead dog in the pack.

I know what they all have needed and what they like, it’s almost a sixth sense. I’m not a dog whisperer, rather through observation and empathy, we know we are together.

I love my dogs and they love me. When I have people problems, the dogs have always been there. I’ve been fortunate that they have all been good dogs.

Sometimes when life goes to shit, they are the only friends I have, at least it feels that way. They always by my side, without any pretension other than wanting to be with me.

My Age, In Pictures

We played war in the streets, along with baseball, football and I drove those cars thousands of miles in the sandbox. We actually learned things rather than looking it up on a phone. Common sense was far more available to us than it is to the snowflakes.

The cars today are driving computers, but you can’t work on them yourself, you need to plug it in to tell you what is wrong. I miss the smooth sound of a V-12, or the deep throated sound of a V-8 in a pony car.

I’ll leave the girls alone other than it was a more genuine look, but our music was way better that what you hear today.

Covid Sarcasm – I Went To A Super Spreader Event Last Night

I was at the App State v Coastal Carolina game, probably the game of the week. There were over 31,000 super spreaders that Fauci warned us about.

I’ll report back if there is an outbreak here, but I doubt it. There have been games everywhere since August with little to no outbreaks or breakthroughs.

I guarantee you that there were both vaxxed and un-vaxxed at the game last night. Both have an equal chance at getting it like every other game we were told not to go to.

The game was won on the last play and the 14th ranked team went down in flames. The crowd spilled onto the field, certainly spreading Covid everywhere. Ha!

A good time was had by all, except Fauci, the CDC, NIH, WHO, Congress and Washington DC.

Going To A Movie As An Introvert

I rarely want to go out where there are people other than for exercise, groceries or to walk the dog.

I wanted to see Venom – Let There Be Carnage, but had the dilemma of not wanting to go. I clearly remember thinking that I’d rather stream it at home and considered bailing, but it wasn’t an option for me to view. I had another errand to do (Auto Zone, an approved Introverted place to shop) so I forced myself.

When I got to the theater, I saw that there was only one other car in the parking lot. It was a good sign. I picked the earliest showing in the day to avoid people. I was going to a geek movie so I expected the worst and that they would be at my theater of course, one of 8 at the complex.

To my delight, I was in a room that held 100 people and for the entirety of my stay, I was alone, damn near perfect.

I of course brought Clorox wipes to disinfect everything and actually enjoyed being there. One other person would have ruined it for me.

I originally saw Venom on TV because I had some time to kill and wound up loving the story. I really wanted to see the sequel and the cards lined up for me today.

I got to see Captain Kirk finally get to space and got to experience being the only one in a huge theater to see one of the few movies I’d actually pay for. It is a good movie to see. I wouldn’t bring a date though. It’s definitely not a Rom-Com.

I know it sounds weird to most, but if you are introverted this will resonate and you’ll wish you were me.

C’est la Guerre.

Captain Kirk Finally Gets to Go Into Real Space, The Final Frontier – But May Return Alone Or The Only One Alive

This morning, William Shatner will ride aboard Blue Origin at 90 years of age to be the oldest person ever in space. He missed being the first actor in space by a week as the Russians did that to shoot a movie.

Anyone who knows Star Trek fully gets that the red shirts are the ones who get it on away missions.

He isn’t the first Star Trek Alumni to go to space, just the first one that is alive. Some ashes of Scottie and Gene Roddenbery were sent up a few years back.

There is always the Who is the best Star Trek captain or best series. I am in the TOS camp. The rest use the TOS playbook, but with less daring, panache, creativeness and conquest. For Picard, Sisko, Janeway and Archer fans, they wouldn’t be Captains in the running if there wasn’t a Kirk, end of story.

Even in the movies, the best one is always the Wrath of Khan. It has the best villain, ironic ending and mano a mano story.

I have been a huge Trekkie all of my life. I was alive and watched it during it’s actual first run. When Chekov discovered the Botany Bay on Ceti-Alpha 5, I had goose bumps in the Theater.

The only thing that bothers me about this is that the Enterprise NCC-1701 was a cool ship. Blue Origin looks like a flying dick.

Anyway, live long and prosper.

Blue Origin Employees Accuse Jeff Bezos' Company of ...

All Winning Streaks Come To An End, Matt Amodio Finally Loses On Jeopardy

After setting the second longest winning streak at 38 games with winnings of over $1.5 million, it happened last night.

Matt Amodio finally lost. You could feel it happening as he kept missing. In a way, it was almost like he wanted to end it because he wasn’t ringing in and was wrong when he did.

He was a great champion and was good for the ratings and the game.

I’ve seen all the champions win and lose. It is usually the same, a perfect storm where they answer wrong, the categories are not in their strengths and another contestant gets hot. That happened last night.

He also missed final Jeopardy after being nearly perfect for weeks.

He will be back in the Tournament of Champions. I look forward to it as he was also likeable, which sometimes they are not.

I’m sure he helped the ratings as everyone follows a streak, whether you want the person to win or lose. I pulled for him because he had a huge range of knowledge and bet big. He employed the James Holzhauer strategy of playing, something that takes big balls to do.

The people that de-throne the champions usually only last a couple of games.

I watched before Ken Jennings had the 74 game winning streak 17 years ago and I’ll watch tonight. The reason is the same, I want to get more right than the contestants.

My Personal War On Woke Now Includes My Sarcastic Profile On LinkedIn

I was very early to LinkedIn, as I was to blogging, Twitter, Facebook and others.

When I got fed up with them going woke or being so biased that I didn’t trust them, I de-platformed Twitter and Facebook.

Recently, LinkedIn stopped allowing revenue to anyone who is in their words a climate change denier. I worked in the Green and Sustainability Industry long enough to learn these things about climate and politics.

  1. At the top, it is about money and power, not saving the planet.
  2. The people that believe it treat it as their religion. The ones I’ve met are the real science deniers. This just confirmed it.
  3. You can’t change the weather, it comes in cycles.
  4. Bonus: They are hiding the past where the weather was the same as it is now. It’s a version of 1984 Newspeak.
  5. Double Bonus: It is based on predictions that never come true, they just predict another one.
  6. Triple Bonus: when they debunk the current cause of global warming, they change it as they do the name (note I used the first name of this nonsense).
  7. Quadruple Bonus: Carbon Dioxide is plant food. It’s why they plant trees for an offset.
  8. Quintuple Bonus: Almost everyone likes warmer weather and farmers grow more.
  9. Not a Bonus: As with LinkedIn, when they don’t agree or lose the argument, they try to shut down the discussion and facts. I expect to lose readers at this point and doubt they’ll read any further, missing the point of the post.
  10. Also not a Bonus: It is an excuse for everything from racism to global cooling.

“If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence. The origin of myths is explained in this way.” – Bertrand Russell

As soon as there is a problem, they change their tune and are now burning coal in China and Europe.

So, when I heard that LinkedIn banished one side of the conversation on anything, I changed my profile to poke fun at them. Here are some of the changes.

My education is now Faber -Knowledge is Good. I put my fraternity as Delta Tau Chi. If you don’t get this reference, you missed one of the all time funniest movies. It was also a stab at my real college that went woke. I won’t even mention them here because I banished them too.

I changed my current Job to writing a sarcastic blog and not finishing several books. This is actually true. I was in their Associates Program which is for freelancers, but I’m blowing them off now.

The rest of my work life is true for now, but I don’t give enough of a tinkers damn to take LinkedIn serious now, so I’m having fun where I can.

I now want to freelance on the boil of wokeness that is on the ass of regular people by elites.

I decided I didn’t care that much about them to take them seriously. Besides, I retired because I hate the corporate nonsense. See here, here and here for the above stated wankers.

You got the bonus plan:

12 other woke companies to avoid

Friday Humor, Looney Tunes/Marvin The Martian Style

I loved all the Bugs Bunny cartoons. Marvin the Martian was his foil in a couple. That was when we didn’t have a cancel culture and weren’t afraid of making fun of things without being castrated on Social Media.

I saw every one of them as a kid. I saw every one of them as an adult and appreciated them even more. My kids know every time I reference an episode. It’s even better when they reference one to me.

Here is the illudiam Q-36 explosive space modulator, to blow up the Earth.

And some funny memes

Blog Post That You Can Smell

I had a bunch of these as a kid. When I didn’t have a gun, we used to hit the caps with a hammer. We got brave and hit the whole roll at once for a bigger bang.

I am not sorry they didn’t have video games when I was a kid. I can smell the gunpowder as I type this. I discovered a lot of things because of boredom and curiosity in life.

Blogs I Follow – Knuckledraggin’ My Life Away

I decided to break from Covid vaccine bashing (I’ll be back, don’t worry) and give some shout outs to those who deserve it.

Ken the wirecutter writes this blog. You should go over there and donate because I think that is how he makes a living.

Why do I like it? I first started when I found your Florida report for the day. I’m originally from there and it is so true. I didn’t realize how many idiots were there until he pointed it out.

I like that he doesn’t care about offending anyone. One of his regular posts is shit I post on Facebook. I think it’s great that he tries to get banned. If you’ve read much of my blog, you already know how much I loathe fake book and happily got rid of my account. That he ties up their time to review the hilarious stuff he posts there kills me.

There are posts like, roast me, fucking Mondays, Friday gif dump and I’m sure she’s taken men that I look forward to. I went through the loss of his 2 dogs and now he’s left with Jack the asshole dog that found him with a broken tail.

His sarcasm, wit and creativeness is a breath of fresh air for me and I hope it is for you.

I linked to him in the posts that I follow and hope he links back as his audience is big. He also is in cahoots with other blogs I’m going to call out.

Keep it up Ken. I love your stuff.

Some Good News – Matt Amodio Ties James Holzhauer for 2nd Most Wins of All Time on Jeopardy

Matt Amodio Becomes Third Jeopardy! Player to Win $1M in ...

Almost everyone watches or has watched Jeopardy. I have for decades. It is the greatest game show ever. It is also one of the few that the Celebtards haven’t ruined yet because it doesn’t have anything to do with SJW and PC crap. I challenges your mind and memory. I love anything intellectually stimulating.

People play against the contestants from their living rooms. It happens without trying. You want to know how smart you are. There are a lot of strategies and when you think you know them, someone comes up with a new one, like James Holzhauer. I regularly beat the players, but I’m also good on the practice range in golf.

Every once in a while, someone goes on a run. Ken Jennings did 74 games in a row in the 2000’s. A couple of years ago, Holzhauer ran off 32 games and the top money scores of all times except for Jennings. He was about to overtake Ken in less than half the games due to his aggressive betting and incredible knowledge. He was a breath of fresh air. He turned the game upside down by going for the big money clues first, hunting for the Double Jeopardy clues and a willingness to risk a lot.

Last night, Matt Amodio, Ph.D student from Connecticut tied Holzhauer at 32 games in a row and is over a million dollars in winnings, the 3rd most (not counting tournaments of champions, Brad Rutter holds that record).

Tonight, October 1st, Matt could go into 2nd all time for games won. Nothing against James, but I want to see him keep winning.

Everyone loves a streak. In the movie Bull Durham, Kevin Costner told meat “a player on a streak has to respect the streak”. It becomes almost superstitious in baseball and I wonder how it will go for Matt.

It makes for great entertainment. It is the main reason we turn to sports or shows. Back to celebtards and sportstards, they ruin things like the NFL, NBA, WNBA, MBA and most movies and shows with PC crap.

The Jeopardy streak is about intellect, strategy and a little luck.

What is great about Matt is that he is a nice guy. He is respectful to the players past and present and keeps winning. He never says stupid things like “let’s make it a true daily double”. Instead, he bets everything in the Jeopardy round by saying his earnings. His knowledge and intellect is impressive.

He also says What’s (the question) instead of who when it is a person. I like that he has his own style. He has a great poker face on Final Jeopardy and you never know if he’s answered it correctly until it’s revealed. He currently is over 92% right on Final Jeopardy.

The reason I never could be on is that I am only about 30% on Final Jeopardy.

His betting has become aggressive like Holzhauer. I love big bets. It makes the game far more exciting. It separates champions from players or one or two day wonders.

The only regret I have is that Alex Trebeck isn’t there to share it. He made the game what it is.

Trebeck noted the different things about players and that champions are far more willing to bet big.

Sooner or later the streak will be over. It has been a great run. It usually happens when the champion misses a big bet and someone else gets lucky. That victor rarely lasts more than a couple of days. That is the luck part of the show. It’s usually bad luck that ends a streak.

My Childhood Was Awesome, Part 2

I played endless paper football between and before class in middle school. We had benches and tables that were perfect.

I could kick the way the picture is above and from one of the sides (where the fold is)

I could make a paper football today, after not making one for decades because I’ve made so many.

It was real life video games for us back then.

I also pitched quarters, but I hated losing money, why gambling was never one of my vices.

Apparently, The Era Of Fake Boobs Is Over

Image

I see this as a good thing. Store bought boobs never really looked that great. You can always tell, clothed or not. They even feel wrong.

Here’s the deal. Everyone, especially straight guys will look at any boobs. If there is about to be a fight and some girl takes off her top, the fight stops.

In reality, girls tell me they dress up for other girls. Guys don’t care that much. There is a joke that we’d be happier if you showed up naked with a 6 pack. We’re just happy to have some boobs around.

I’ve talked to girls about them and even they like boobs. They may judge each other and must have some reason like insecurity or to show off to get augmented, but that is a personal decision.

I am happy for those who get re-construction after a mastectomy, but that is not what store bought fake boobs when you have perfectly good ones is about.

Finally, here are songs that tells you we like them no matter what shape, size or age they are.

Vegan Humor, All You Need Now Is Bacon

I have nothing against them, except they always tell you they are vegan. I feel sorry that they don’t get to enjoy the bacon cheeseburger that I’m having tonight.

Oh, I won’t be telling anyone I’m not vegan. They don’t want to know that either.

Regarding Monday Mornings

I swear I wrote this in my journal this morning. I was grateful that I got rid of that ball and chain a long time ago. I busted ass for a long time to be in this position and it is worth it, I Gar-un-tee it!

Sure I’m older now and don’t have as many years left, but Sunday night doesn’t suck as much knowing that if it’s a bad one, I don’t have to hate the next 24 hours.

When I watched the NFL before it went woke, I used to go to Monday Night Football and get home late and not sober. How I made it to work the next day and was able to get through it is beyond me now. I guess I was young and it didn’t affect me like it does now, even though I gave up all my bad habits.

Just not being able to sleep, which happens a lot now can ruin the next day.

I think I’m better off older.

Random Funny Thoughts

I had amnesia once — or twice.

*****

Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

*****

I am neither for nor against apathy.

*****

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

*****

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

*****

What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

*****

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

*****

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

******

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

*****

One nice thing about egotists … they don’t talk about other people.

*****

My weight is perfect for my height … which varies.

*****

I used to be indecisive. Now, I’m not sure.

*****

The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.

*****

How can there be self-help groups

*****

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.

*****

Is it just me, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Happy 917 Day – For Those Who Get It

Pin by Geoff Daly on Porsche917 | Sports car racing ...

This is Jo Siffert at Daytona in 1970 in a Gulf Porsche 917. Out of all of the versions of this dominating car, this was both my favorite and my first encounter with it. He was my favorite driver and died too young.

It was the first time I’d seen a car go over 200 MPH in person. I was young, so it was impressive.

I was already a Porschefile by this point, but that day cemented it home.

I’ve seen them race many times, but I was with my Dad that day and it still is memorable for me.

Later, the car was the star of the movie Le Mans. Steve McQueen was in the movie, the king of cool, but the car outshone him.

Some call it the greatest sports car ever, and for those of us who have seen it race, we understand why.

After all…..this is the greatest line ever in a car movie.

NFL, Doubling Down On Stupid

They sang 2 songs last Sunday, posing as National Anthems I read (because I didn’t watch). The Star Spangled Banner and Lift up your voice and sing (I think that is the name).

The ratings are down, they are bleeding fans because of Covid and being Woke. Did they not look at the Olympics ratings and why people didn’t watch?

I have always worked with the famous, the rich and the empowered, something I’m not proud of, but it came with the territory of my career. They were always tedious, demanding and self-entitled. I was always glad to be done with them when the job was over. Their entourage’s were even worse, with no real reason other than they thought they were meaningful because of who they worked for.

The rabid fans will stay I suppose, except those with a mind and a conscience. The rest will get fed up and bail.

I have been a season ticket holder to a team that has won multiple Super Bowls and has many players in Canton. I can’t take the kneeling and the other crap that is dividing our country and has nothing to do with sports.

These are the best paid in the country for playing a kids game, yet they feel entitled to tell us what to do and how to think. It’s the same for hollywood and the celebtards. They need to realize that watching sports is for fun and to get away from all the political crap. Instead, they choose to cut their throats even further.

Those with a brain are finding something else to do.

They are being stupid and should just play the game.

Childhood Pranks, One That Just Happened and My College Effort (Plus a list of Double Entendre Names You Can Use)

Some kids pranked a school board in Virginia with oldies like Wayne Kerr (Wanker), Don Kideck (donkey dick) and so forth. It’s going around but here it is. This guy had no idea he was being used like toilet paper, classic.

Now my turn.

In one of my auditorium classes (that held 250) students, we had a test and then were having the lecture. Back then it was 35 mm slides. My cousin was taking a photography class and I had her make me a whole roll of nudes.

While people were turning in their tests, I had my friends block the view between the teacher and me. There were slots open starting at the 7th slide. We anxiously waited that slide and he kept teaching because the screen was behind him. It was a shot of Marilyn Monroe from Playboy to start out. He took it well.

This was in the Animal House days. By the time the movie came out, we’d already done everything in the movie except the horse. We weren’t on double secret probation because we never got caught. We also stole the right test and got A’s in the class.

Now, here are the names you can use that weren’t called out in the prank. Some below were used in the prank above.

It’s almost as good as Euphemisms for Stupid, one of my top 2 posts ever. Someone reads that every day from around the world still. Hats off to the Bob and Tom Show (Paging Richard Smoker) and SNL for these. The clips are out there somewhere still.

Seymour Butts

Dick Beater

Richard Smoker (big dick smoker)

Jack N Off

Harry Balls(ack) – 2 for 1 here

Harry Beaver

Peter Stroker

Mr. Baiter

Haywood U Blowme

BJ Hunter

Peter Wanker

Woody Spanker

Sharon Peter

Stu Pedaso

Iwana Wiener

haid d’salaami
hous bin pharteen

Ive bin pharteen

jenna t’alia


jack izdikov (off)


justin detoush


suq madiq


usuqa m’diq


i’lik madiq


liqa madiq


yuliqa m’diq


u’wana m’diq


munchma quchi (coochie)


grabbir boubi


i-sheet m’drurz


shaif herboush


mustaf herod apyur poupr (up your pooper)


awan afuqya


yul strokheet al-wautch


apul madeek-aou

t

And, who can make a list and not include:

Mike Hunt

One of the tech support guys called the receptionist and had her page Mike at least twice over the loudspeaker to an entire warehouse. It was childish, but then so am I and I laughed as loud as everyone.

Today’s Covid Humor, What I Did At Home

I’ve been content free, so enjoy the laugh and do the usual copy and post on your social media of choice.

The trikini and marriage stuff is funny. Some of the Covid stuff makes too much sense.

Some of it just makes you think.

Guy Stuff, Why We Aim When We Pee

If it can be aimed at, we give it a go. Piscuits are low hanging fruit. A moving bug is much more challenging. It also guarantee’s a mess, but we take the shot anyway. We also play peeing for distance and other childish games.

I’m sure girls think we are silly, but when a group of them were asked what they’d do if they had a dick, they said aim it when they piss. (guys said they’d feel their boobs if they had them and shoot milk at each other like a squirt gun, still a dick thing).

When there is a stain on the bowl, we won’t clean it if we can knock it off with a stream. Yes, we write whatever we can on the sidewalk and in the snow. The ones that say they don’t are lying, but a few do need their man card revoked. We don’t even have to be taught this trick. It’s instinctive to try it.

Why do we do it? Because we can. Sure, our equipment isn’t as pretty as females, but it is useful and a built in play toy. Why do you think we hold on to it so much?

Best of all, the whole world is our urinal if needed.

I even broke up with a girlfriend who got mad at me when I had to take a leak by the side of the road because she was worried what people would think of her. They wouldn’t ever look at her for laughing at me. I knew she wasn’t a keeper at that point. Every thing was a joke to me and she couldn’t take a joke. The woman I married knew how immature I can be and ignores it most of the time.

This Is Going To Put a Dent in The Nathan’s July 4th Hot Dog Eating Contest

Bet On Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest 2020 | Betting Odds ...

More specifically, researchers found that consuming one 85-gram serving of chicken wings translated to 3.3 minutes of life lost, owing to sodium and harmful trans fatty acids, while a beef hot dog on a bun resulted in some 36 minutes lost “largely due to the detrimental effect of processed meat,” study authors wrote.

Joey Chestnut is about dead. He knocked back 75 dogs this year to win the contest. He looks pretty healthy to me. Badlands Booker on the other hand better prepare his will.

The good news is that a PB&J sandwich adds 33 minutes to your life. I’m going to be about 3000 years old given that I’ve lived on it for 5 or more decades.

Ah, Men vs. Women, Here We Go Again – Humor Between the Sexes

I’ve posted a lot of stuff poking fun at both. Once, when partially serious I posted how and why we are different here.

When less serious about it, I posted how we see things differently, on how men and women see colors differently.

And now for today’s humor.

My, How Phone Booth’s Have Changed

I used to read the paper there. Now I read the phone. I still say I have to go read the sports page to be nice about dropping a deuce.

Don’t forget that if by chance you use the talking to another person feature on your phone, that you can be heard making bodily noises, or at least the echo that everyone recognizes.

Star Trek, Life Imitates Art

It would be iconic to call him that over a 2 way radio. The jokes write themselves sometimes don’t they.

I’ve met William Shatner. He was an ok guy. I’m sure meeting people like me over and over is tedious, but he was good about it.

He still is my favorite Captain and there would be no Picard, Janeway, Sisko or others without the real Kirk.

Here we are, in Vegas of course.

Most shocking to me is that I was taller. I’m also a 3rd degree blackbelt so I could kick his ass no matter how many Romulans he’s killed.

This Is Me If I Were A Doctor

Oh, I’d write a lot of other stuff too. Imagine if an ex came in or a celebtard whining about their $20 million Disney contract? No telling what I’d write, but it would be good.

I know doctors pride themselves on straight lines when operating. They told me.

Just like the anti-matter a few posts below, there are some things I should be banned from doing. This would be close to the top of the list.

And You Think Your Job Sucks and No, I Couldn’t Keep a Straight Face

Not a chance I wouldn’t play with these and laugh my ass off. I’d also be reported to HR within minutes for some inappropriate joke. It would be worth it.

I wonder if these ladies take work home with them?

I Love Student’s Creative Answers In Biology Class and Boobs

I posted Hell explained by an engineering student that was so creative the teacher gave him a top score. I still laugh at that one (right Teresa?)?

Now, there is this one on Mother’s milk. It’s almost as creative and funny as the engineer.

The teacher has a sense of humor. I have no idea what number 7 really is, but the answer is good enough for me. I thought he was going to mention play toys at first.

Stuff Only Older Guys Will Recognize

I built a million of these things. It was cars, planes, engines and more cars. I got model glue on everything.

Actually, I’m surprised that my brain isn’t mush from all the glue. This was before people were sniffing it to get high.

Most of the fun is in the building, then you just look at them until you built another.

I learned more about how to build an engine and how things work than today’s mush heads, who are killing monsters or shooting anything that moves.

I now see that I was alone for hours when building these guys. It is a trait that I recognize for life and embrace.

Why Storm Troopers Can’t Shoot Strait Or Hit Anything – Men’s Edition

If you bother watching them in the movies, the are just target practice for the Rebels. These guys can’t hit a wall in front of them.

You kill one when you shoot a Storm Trooper, yet it’s ever only a wound when they shoot someone. Maybe they had vasectomies?

Anyway, this is me in the morning a lot of days. I think I’ve bulls eyed the bowl and I’ve pissed on who knows what.

Breaking: A New Update On Euphemisms for Stupid (Bonus For Introverts, What to Say Is Handed To You Here)

By far, my most popular posts are What’s it like to have a high IQ and this one, Euphemisms for Stupid. For a decade, this post was #1 worldwide in Google on how to call someone stupid.

More people have re-used content on this post around the world than some marketing campaigns by Facebook, and that is where a lot of it wound up it seemed (and I still have a happy life after I fired them).

To honor that post, I updated it today (there are almost a hundred creative ways to say someone fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down or that they couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel) with this one:

Enjoy, and if you want to find out a way to say someone is stupid that you’ve never heard of, go get you some at the link above.

Victoria’s Secret, A 2021 Tragedy

I’m like Jeff Foxworthy. I grew up getting the Sears catalog in the mail. Those were the only girls in underwear you would see, until Victoria’s Secret gave us the catalog of dreams.

They put beautiful women in underwear for men and women to admire. Good art in any form is beautiful (the Sears models reminded Jeff of the lunch lady at the school cafeteria). It’s why there are so many naked statues. It was the concept of art to an artist. That they lasted longer than a catalog has so far so that also says something.

Now this (here is the tragedy):

Here is the reaction so far:

Victoria’s Secret’s woke new look to please angry feminists is dubbed ‘Dumbest. Brand. Strategy. Ever.’

Victoria’s Secret has chosen going full woke over earning a profit, succumbing to the hypersensitivities on the left to embark on a major rebranding.

Even the standard size 32B mannequins on display in their stores didn’t make the cut, as the forms representing the female figure will now come in new shapes and sizes.

The paper said the company has been “scrutinized heavily in recent years for its owner’s relationship with the late sex offender Jeffrey Epstein and revelations about a misogynistic corporate culture that trafficked in sexism, sizeism and ageism.”

OK, back to my observation.

I’m not sure what is more stupid. Is it the marketing decision to lose this much money, goodwill and customers or to think that most people wanted to look or what make it hugely successful. Do they think that this is more beautiful than Giselle Bünchen in angel wings?

I’m sure there is a small portion of the population who identifies with this and good for them. The problem is it is ruining the beauty that was the draw for the other 98%.

I know this type of display is inclusive or is progressive or something politically correct in the eyes of the PC and SJW police, but I (and see below or read the article above for how many others) still think they are ruining a good thing.

All of this has come together to ruin another concept that has been around since whenever man showed up, women are beautiful. Both males and females think that the fairer sex is a work of beauty. For example, everyone thinks a naked woman is something beautiful to look at. I’m willing to bet that there are a lot more people (even females in beards) that find them better to look at than most men naked. There aren’t that many Chip n Dales guys just walking around. And let’s face it. Other than a few people who can ruin anything by being mean and nasty, almost all women are beautiful in their own way.

If there are 330 million people in the US (a low guess) and throw out the old and the young, you would still have a few hundred million just in the USA who liked the older style catalog and their models a lot more. VS is big all over the world so even the PC people like to look at the real catalog, not the travesty that is this year’s.

I don’t care how many likes they got in social media. Most people go along with the crowd in public and social media is a bunch of pretend anyway.

Get woke go broke they say. I doubt it for VS, but it hasn’t helped the bottom lines of Nickelodeon Channel, Gillette, Coke, the NBA, MLB, NFL and other companies.

It looks like I’m not alone. I’ll put up some links that have something to do with it in whatever way that is interesting.

The Earl of Taint – I wish them luck