Scaramouche, Scaramouche will you do the fandango
Hotel Practical Jokes
I hate hotels. It is a petri dish of other people’s germs and the usual lack of fastidiousness by the cleaning crew.
I thought this was funny though. My favorite part of any hotel stay is leaving. Here is a parting gift.
High IQ Pick Up Lines – Geek Out
I’m not sure these would work on your run of the mill girl.
The Real Difference Between Men And Women
My friend Joel Hagberg told me about this. With all the crap news going on, here’s a little (a lot of) humor.
In the current day when we have a Supreme Court Justice who can’t define what a woman is until there is a man involved, I have an easy test.
Here is the answer. Men think the 3 Stooges are funny. Yes, we can watch it and die laughing. Girls don’t get why we think it’s so funny.
Here’s a clip to make it easy. Separate 2 eggs is completely different for males and females, click to find out.
I for one find it hilarious.
Good Photo Bombs, Level Expert
The best I could do on my own was a dog taking a dump in the background. A lot of people have that. I’ve never made expert.
High IQ Humor – Ornithology Style
This was a good one for me. But that is my opinion.
High IQ Humor – Gang Signals or G-Spot Style
You tell me because I was never in a gang. I’ve found the other and had to explain it to kids during the sex talk.
More Pi Day Humor
Happy 3.14159 Day
LinkedIn Cringe And Sh*tposting
For people trying to get a job or increase business, it might be a valuable platform.
Unfortunately, it is still social media that is trying to be politically correct. I ran across this article so that you get a feel for what Cringe is.
Why LinkedIn? Just, why?
One of the funniest running jokes on Twitter is people trolling cringey LinkedIn newsfeed content: humble brags, faux inspiration, hustle porn, buzzwords galore and more.
A Twitter search for “linkedin cringe” returns an endless scroll of hilarity:
Here’s a representative tweet that blew up last week. Someone posted a photo of a “resilient” tree, which prompted a perfect response that notched 430k+ likes: “Gonna be hell when LinkedIn finds out about this tree.”
What is in the DNA of LinkedIn that leads to such predictably cringe content?
To answer the question, I read a bunch of forums, articles and great insights from the LinkedIn Engineering Blog. I think the cringe is due to 3 factors:
- The personality: What LinkedIn asks you to be?
- The customer: Who is actually paying LinkedIn?
- The algorithm: What drives engagement?
My least favorite version of Trung is “CV Trung”. By this, I mean the way I write about myself and career on my resume.
Why? Because CV Trung is a knob.
Here are some actual bullet points from my most up-to-date resume, circa 2019: (comments in bold)
- “CFA Charter-holder, passed all 3 exams on the first attempt” (no one cares)
- “Professional working proficiency in Vietnamese” (not even close)
- “Leveraged background in finance to lead a cross-functional team that developed machine-learning analytics tools” (dude, STFU)
Humans don’t talk like this. Half of this isn’t even true!
What is going on?
Canadian sociologist Erving Goffman has the answer: in a book called The Presentation of Self in Every Day Life, Goffman posits that every person goes through life wearing many “masks”, like an actor in a theater play.
Most people are different personalities at work vs. home vs. happy hour. People wear these different masks to impress or avoid embarrassment with different audiences.
Back to LinkedIn. It’s your online resume and directly tied to your identity.
The setup forces everyone on the site to basically wear the professional “CV mask” of their personality.
Bland. Buzzwords. Inoffensive. A little exaggeration. Self-promotional (but not too much). Desperate to impress.
CV Trung if I could grow facial hair (via @StateOfLinkedIn)
As a professional social network, LinkedIn has the cringe built in. The platform also prompts cringey engagement activity like:
- Please <click button> to endorse <person> for being good at <skill>
- It is <person> one year workversary please <congratulate>
This is not how normal people interact! I’ve literally never uttered the words “workvesary” out of my mouth (and have no idea what it sounds like).
Case in point:
Whenever someone strays from the “CV Mask” and gives an honest take, it resonates:
(L to R, clockwise): An honest consultant, my “education” section and Conan O’Brien’s very funny “test score”
Having said all that, LinkedIn’s mission is to “connect the world’s professionals to make them more productive and successful”. As we’ll see, the site has been able to do that for many of its 800m+ users…cringe or no cringe.
MY RESPONSE AND TROLL
I already troll LinkedIn by changing my profile. My college went woke. I am so ashamed of them for what they represent that I changed it to Faber, of Animal House fame. No one noticed, but I don’t get any college links anymore, so there is the silver lining.
I decided to engage in the cringe by posting a false invention to detect both that and Sh*t posts. There already is an app that does this, so I made up my own. It’s just cringe stuff that is deep in sarcasm for those who troll my page and try to market unwanted advice to me. It’s working well as I’m being left alone. I haven’t done what my career was for years anyway.
Here’s a sample: Helped change the course of the future with the invention of the Revalvitating Capitulator. A vital component in the development and distribution of LinkedIn cringe.
I even used the cringe generator and got this:
And a special shout out to Alex Cohen, who has turned long-form LinkedIn shitposting into an art:
In the end, it’s just another social media fail, but at least there is fun in it for those who recognize sarcasm. I troll it now in my profile because it went woke a while ago. I don’t even bother posting or liking except to very few people that I had a real connection with in the past.
Like most of Social Media, it’s a time suck. Cringe beats woke every time.
Road Rage A**holes
I see them all the time.
High IQ Humor – Marine Biology Style
It wouldn’t be as good as flying, but changing colors would almost as good as shape shifting.
Gilligan’s Island, The Epitaph
It was a good TV show when I was a kid. My Mom dreaded that I watched such nonsense and that it would certainly ruin me. I didn’t get any smarter by watching the show. It provided me with clean entertainment as compared to the woke TV the kids get now.
There were some things that didn’t make sense.
The professor could charge batteries for their radio by stirring coconuts, but couldn’t fix the Minnow?
Finally, my answer. It was Ginger, My how things have changed…
She’s the only one of the cast left
Two New Dating Services For Very Distinct And Rare Groups – Unjected And……….
This one is the joke, the next isn’t. She married her brother and hates the USA.
Now for the real one.
Given the deaths of young men and the fertility killing Covid kill shot, some people not only won’t get jabbed, but don’t want to date those who were lemmings. I admit it’s a tangential IQ test. If you got one, you failed science and critical thinking classes. I understand why you should question those who did.
It’s called Unjected. At least you know your partner won’t be infertile because of a gene therapy shot and has a chance at reproduction. They won’t die early because of Myocarditis or unnatural cancer either.
Not that I’ve been in the dating pool for a while, but I’d consider this one.
Here’s a screenshot.
What I find the most ironic is that Covid used to be a pandemic of the “unvaccinated”. Those people were the pariah’s of the world because they wouldn’t line up like sheep for slaughter.
Now, the science is proving what some of us thought all along. Elon Musk says the evidence will be out soon, not that I expect anyone to believe it who got the clot shot. They have to worry the rest of their lives as to what is going to happen.
I Guess White People All Look Alike
Press Gaffe spokesperson confused Biden with Obama (who is half white). She is confused by many things like facts and the truth, but this one is a doozy. She couldn’t have been the best candidate for the job, just the most woke and the most letters in the alphabet of weirdness.
(I’m counting on that last paragraph for a new round of censorship, enjoy while you can)
Yes! Kids Come Through Again With Classroom Projects Looking Like A Nut Sack
Mine would have wrinkles drawn on them. If it were 3D, they would move on their own for no reason.
Introvert Anxiety, It Shows
I ask myself, why would I go out there anyway, but that would be me wanting to leave. I know he’s an introvert because he is alone.
Word Placement Matters
Especially to Climate worshipers
High IQ Humor – En françes
This one is clever. Dans la piscine. C’est le vie
Another Pennywise Warning, Post Valentine’s….If You Get IT
Like Valentines Day, it is a clown show.
Go Ahead, Try To See If You Can See The Lines Straight, No Chance
My eyes go crazy looking at this
Why The T-Rex Was So Angry, The Part History Got Wrong
It’s not because his arms were too short to fap.
Not That Many People Call Anymore, But An Introvert Response
This is my favorite. You tried and then it is the other person’s turn or you get forgotten. I don’t think you even have to be an introvert to do this one.
High IQ Humor – Breast Style
Everyone loves boob jokes.
Dang, It Must Be A Really Rough Road
Tighten your Bra? Seriously?
A Day That Won’t Happen Like This Again – What A Way To End The Year
What Every Man Wants To Hear
I’m pretty sure this is true.
What Happens To Guys When It Gets Cold
Double bonus here, it makes fun of vegetarians. No one is buying Beyond Meats as their stock is falling. I guess it tastes like it looks.
Even the companies don’t know if their meat is safe to eat
Lab-grown meat is often made using immortalized cell lines, which, unlike regular cells, are capable of continuously dividing and growing in a manner similar to cancer cells, according to Bloomberg. Companies developing lab-grown meats have largely remained silent about the connection between their product and cancer cells, possibly in a bid to keep consumers from getting skittish about their products.
Star Trek Humor – Data Style
Yes, we all do this
High IQ Humor – Entomology Style (Also Math)
It reminds me of the Pink Panther parody, dead ant, dead ant (sing it to the song)
Stuff That Is Annoying To Look At
Let’s not forget the Europeans that wear socks with their sandals.
Star Wars Humor – With Frogs And Hyperspace
Also a stretch, but bend your mind
Separated At Birth?
From my childhood, being a Looney Tunes aficionado. The episode is called Bully for Bugs. Classic line, Stop steaming up my tail and of course, you know this means war.
Genetics? No, A Geneticist Says You’re A Cheating Whore
It reminds me of my college girlfriend who turned out to be one when she became a stewardess at Delta.
This next guy is my hero.
I dumped the slut before I found out she cheated. It was one of the better days of our relationship. When I found out later, I wasn’t surprised by then.
I wouldn’t know as I don’t follow her or any other ex’s, but it seems appropriate.
Dick Jokes, If Told By A Girl
I bet she’d want to write her name in the snow and on the wall too.
As for me, I can’t get them to fit as the hole is too small, but I imagine I could fit a dozen or so (only if I smashed them flat together)
This is how it is being a man. It’s much more than donuts. We hang towels also.
And this is how we do it, and stuff all guys know.
but first, you have to know the guy rules we knew when we were born
I think her kids names are Beavis and Butt-head.
High IQ Humor, Electrician Style
I hope everyone gets this
My Childish Humor Strikes Again
Oh yes, I could say it with a straight face, depending on the other person. I just texted my friend George that there were a lot of balls to juggle, instead balls in the air.
I still call them wiener’s if there is a chance the other person will feel uncomfortable.
Hat tip to wirecutter on this one. It was too good to not share.
You Had One Job……
My Dad told me if you are going to do a job, do it right. He was an engineer and everything was perfect, every time.
High IQ Humor, Star Wars And Electricity Style
Unfortunately, it was when the Storm troopers could shoot straight.
Things My Loser Bosses Would Say
I’ve had some doosies like Ray, Amy, Robert, Sandy and others over a lifetime. Once I understood them, I also understood my job and it’s significance to them. I looked at my job a lot differently when I knew they were going to screw everyone to get to the top.
One of them works at IDC now, I pity the other analysts. Another at Lenovo. The Chinese are tougher than Americans so happy working. The others were millionaires and just went away.
Fortunately, I played the game at a different level than them and moved along in life at a better and faster pace and in a different direction. I was able to go and do what I wanted until I couldn’t take them anymore. Life was sweet when I called the final shot and left on my terms as they still are in the salt mines. (Ray and Amy couldn’t take that I made more)
I had different goals, so I was always in a direction they couldn’t understand. It’s how I kept my life and they lost theirs. I could have been a lot more productive without some bosses continually giving me shit tasks to do on top of my real job.
High IQ Humor, Education Style
This one was a reach, but enjoy
How Reading The Paper In The Dumper Has Changed
Thanks to Woosterman for this one.
There is more technology in a watch now than what took us to the moon 50 years ago.
Stuff That Is Impossible For Your Body To Do, Just Try To Do This
Another Gotcha For Looking At This
Making Childish Jokes About Lawyer’s Names
You have to know Phil McCraken is a butt crack joke. Hiscock should have just changed his name
For all the names, here is your song that says them all. Seymour Butts, Jack N. Off, Stu Pedaso…their all in here
Stuff Like This Is Irritating As Hell
Again from Wirecutter.
I hate stuff like this. It’s like a picture that is crooked or one cord shorter than the other.
The Webb Space Telescope Finds Romulan Neutral Zone
I’m sure it’s one of the wide diversity of galaxies at the beginning of the universe. If you see one of these buried in the pictures below, run. Look for a cloaking device also.
Actually, it the telescope took excellent photos from a long time ago.
New data from the Webb Space Telescope and presented this week at an astronomy conference has found that galaxies in the early universe exhibit much of the same range of shapes and morphologies seen in the recent universe, a result that was not expected.
The image to the right comes from the press release. You can read the research paper here [pdf].
The study examined 850 galaxies at redshifts of z three through nine, or as they were roughly 11-13 billion years ago. Associate Professor Jeyhan Kartaltepe from Rochester Institute of Technology’s School of Physics and Astronomy said that JWST’s ability to see faint high redshift galaxies in sharper detail than Hubble allowed the team of researchers to resolve more features and see a wide mix of galaxies, including many with mature features such as disks and spheroidal components.
“There have been previous studies emphasizing that we see a lot of galaxies with disks at high redshift, which is true, but in this study we also see a lot of galaxies with other structures, such as spheroids and irregular shapes, as we do at lower redshifts,” said Kartaltepe, lead author on the paper and CEERS co-investigator. “This means that even at these high redshifts, galaxies were already fairly evolved and had a wide range of structures.”
The results of the study, which have been posted to ArXiv and accepted for publication in The Astrophysical Journal, demonstrate JWST’s advances in depth, resolution, and wavelength coverage compared to Hubble. Out of the 850 galaxies used in the study that were previously identified by Hubble, 488 were reclassified with different morphologies after being shown in more detail with JWST. Kartaltepe said scientists are just beginning to reap the benefits of JWST’s impressive capabilities and are excited by what forthcoming data will reveal.
“This tells us that we don’t yet know when the earliest galaxy structures formed,” said Kartaltepe. “We’re not yet seeing the very first galaxies with disks. We’ll have to examine a lot more galaxies at even higher redshifts to really quantify at what point in time features like disks were able to form.”
In other words, it appears galaxies of all shapes, as we see them today, already existed 11-13 billion years ago, shortly after the universe was born. This defies most theories about the formation of the universe, which predict that these early galaxies would be different than today’s.
The data however at this point is sparse. Webb has only begun this work, and as Kartaltepe notes, they need to look a lot more galaxies.
High IQ Humor – Anatomy Style
A Double High IQ Humor – Astrophysics And Sarcasm Style
High IQ Humor – Thermal/Geometry Style
Somewhere There Is A Teenager Naming His Johnson After This
The jokes about eating write themselves now.
A lot of men have a name for their dicks. I’ve heard endless versions. Some are more creative than others.
Everyone copied theirs from someone else except my friend Mitchell. His was the Mighty Throbber.
Another Version Of The Men Working Sign
A New Reason Pigs Should Fly
I got this from Wirecutter at Knuckledraggin.
I couple of posts ago, I posted on pigs flying (our budget debt) as sarcasm.
This one beats that by a mile in the sarcasm column. I only wish I’d thought of it.
Happy World Introvert Day
May we celebrate together, but alone and separately. Talk to you tomorrow because I’m not talking today.
It’s my favorite holiday after just suffering through Christmas and New Years. I can be alone today. Somewhere out there (although probably quiet) my fellow souls finally have some joy. It’s doubtful others will hear about it as we don’t boast, and other times you can’t get a word in edge wise for all the yapping.
I know and so do others.
PS, I’m not an INFJ.
This next one is me. I’m always in the back, next to the door so I can leave if I need to escape or panic
I Like This Dick Measuring Contest
Because that is what it is. It’s like the longest drive, fastest car, number of wins your team got, name it.
There are some that are hard to top. They are conversation stoppers, also one of my favorites.
I won’t compare it to my schools because I put as much distance as I can from both my high school and college, both school and people. Those people would lose every time to the non-woke army.
If it weren’t for the Nazi thing, this would be the ultimate dick measuring contest for a school. Based on my work experience, I’ve noted how overrated the Ivy League schools are, and you can include others like UNC-CH, Duke and most California schools. They turn out losers now that are more concerned about gender and race than history and education.
Still, if it came down to it and someone started giving me the Harvard or Notre Dame speech. I’d like to say I’m from the Panzer School and we’d blow your doors off, literally. That’s a show stopper.
It’s like someone bragging they play golf and you answer, Hi, I’m Tiger Woods.
When They Become Cannibals
I knew an Italian Dr with a bag and shoe fetish that only a Dr.’s salary could support. She said it was an addiction. I say it’s a waste of money.
It is for girls to show off to other girls. Guys don’t care about the bags, necklaces, rings or makeup.
She spent 10’s of thousands for other girls I guess. Other than being a good Dr, even her sister said her life was effed up.
The King Of Cool On EV’s – Steve McQueen
This is a man who drove the mighty Porsche 917 into fame. It was the only time a car was a bigger star than he was.
Why You Should Mind Your Own Business
Especially mine. I guess I’m getting grumpier, but then so is Clint Eastwood and he doesn’t catch any grief about it.
A Different Merry Christmas
High IQ Humor, Trailer Trash Style
If It’s Really Good, It’s Porking Good
I used pork for the proverbial f-word back in the 60’s. It’s not new, but who ever labeled this was a genius. And gluten free!
This is an actual shot at my local grocery store.
Competitive Eating Update, When Joey Chestnut Sharted His Pants
Nathan’s hot dog eating contest has been one of my favorite sports for years, since Kobayashi was king. My wife thinks it is one of the grossest competitions ever held, adding to my enjoyment.
I heard an interview with Joey Chestnut about taking a dump the next day after downing 70 hot dogs. I’ve wondered about that also.
What I didn’t know was that he’s done it while competing. Gross I know, but it didn’t stand in the way of him winning.
At least he’s honest about it.
High IQ Humor – Stoner Style
How To Reply To An Ex
Or you could be like everyone else and just not talk to them because your life is better that way. I know mine is and there isn’t a one of them worth talking to, especially the one who turned into a traveling whore as a flight attendant for Delta.
When A Bass Boat Becomes A Student Loan
I’ve had 2 of them. I fished with guys who had a bigger loan on their boat than their mortgage. I paid for mine on a credit card I recall to get frequent flyer points.
Everything you hear about owning a boat is pretty much true. Best/Worst day, hole in the water where you dump your money and so forth.
It was fun, but I didn’t see how those guys could afford it, but here you go.
High IQ Humor – Chemistry Style
Girls Lie Too, Size Doesn’t Matter
They can pass a baby there. Don’t tell me I’ve got something that’s going to top that.
Some People Are Just Animals
Words Used Wrong, Wrongly, Wrongest, Wrongish…Whatever You Get The Point
This goes with the Public Speaking Words That Should Be Banned
What We See When You Use Filters On Your Selfies
High IQ Humor – Physics Style
STD Warning You Can Live By Every Time
I was the only one of my friends not to get the clap growing up.
I Might Have To Spice Up My Own Funeral
I’m not dying that I know of, but if I was, this would be the last piece of sarcasm I’d leave behind.
Tips For Introverts To Be A Better Conversationalist
See me for more help.
(hat tip woosterman)
I may not say it (all the time) out loud, but you can bet I say it in my head.
Translation, We Shot Him In the Dick
Polk County Sheriff’s deputies shot an arsonist his his manhood.
“We’ve changed the looks of his groin forever — if you know what I mean,” Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd said at a press conference.
Luke Neely is facing a number of charges after he threw molotov cocktails at a house and then led police on a high speed chase. The chase ended near Dinosaur World when police opened fire.
Neely was found with a loaded AR-15 and a fully loaded handgun.
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He’s been charged with 3 counts of attempted first-degree murder, arson, 7 counts of firebombing and one count of resisting arrest. More charges from Hillsborough County are pending.
Neely is expected to survive his injuries, but is not expected to be able to procreate.
Hunters Never Lie
Nor do fishermen, especially me.
As I sit back and think about it, this is how Facebook and Instagram pictures happen also.
High IQ Humor – Chemistry Style
If I Was A Gardner, I’d Do This
I once timed a resignation to my birthday as a present to myself. I can be this childish though. My sense of humor allows it.
Introvert Time Again, My Life Up In Pictures
Seriously, just because I’m there doesn’t mean I want to do stuff like small talk. Sometimes I don’t talk just to see if they notice.
Text before knocking
Every day I get older, the more this is true.
I treat people the way they should be treated, accordingly. It’s how I can be nice to one person and an asshole to the next. It’s on you.
I don’t kid about this one. I kill people off in my autobiography a lot.
What’s In A School Name? A Lot
Nose Hair Extensions, They’ve Taken It Too Far This Time
Several beauty bloggers have taken to Instagram to post whether this was a trend to stay or a trend to say nay to.
And it’s not just one beauty blogger either, it’s several…
Yeah, I don’t think this one is for me, or will be a fad that takes off, but click the link to see the reactions.
Me, Waiting For A Sign As To How The Election Turned Out
More On The Gender Neutral Bathroom We Grew Up With
I would love to say that, or to the people at the bottom that they are at the dickhead.
I know I have the sense of humor of a 12 year old. It’s one of the better things about me.
Middle Age Summed Up, And Yes It’s True
1 and 2 yes.
3 no because I exercise a lot
4 includes medicine
5 been happening for decades
6 worn glasses forever it seems
7 and 8 are expected, but I’ve been in software a long time so no biggie other than what to do while it’s happening
9 Hell, I won’t make a Dr appointment that early and I’ve been up for a while
10 I keep wondering if I’ll break my day record for this every week
12 The one problem on the list I don’t have
Stuff I Want At My Funeral
A good cat fight, subject unnecessary.
Hat tip to wirecutter.
Daylight Savings Time and Heart Disease/Strokes (And How I Avoid Health Problems)
I’m retired and do what I want. It saves the hate I had for getting up early. The getting an extra hour’s sleep was always good for me.
OK, Why Did They Need To Put This Warning Sign On It?
How The Ice Cream Sandwich Got Invented
It sounds like my son, even as an adult.