Category: humor

The Truth About Woke

I’ve been tired of this since it started. I’ll bet I’m not alone.

These self-entitled ‘tards have ruined enough. I’m not going to stand for it anymore.

I’m torn between ignoring them because it is so stupid and stopping their push to ruin everyone’s life with their nonsense. It’s hard to believe they think they are right and it matters.

I realize there is no telling someone that won’t live in reality anything. They’ll have to wake up one day to realize how wrong they are about life.

Please stop ruining mine and take it somewhere else, anywhere but the USA.

Vegan Humor, All You Need Now Is Bacon

I have nothing against them, except they always tell you they are vegan. I feel sorry that they don’t get to enjoy the bacon cheeseburger that I’m having tonight.

Oh, I won’t be telling anyone I’m not vegan. They don’t want to know that either.

How Men Working Signs Should Actually Read

I always try to count how many are actually working.

I try to thank the sign workers who let the traffic flow when there is only one lane for both sides. They take a beating for holding up traffic, but it isn’t their fault.

When I worked in construction growing up, the lowest guy got the worst jobs. It’s an unwritten rule.

Another ACME Wile E. Coyote Trap For Humans

I need one of these for the people trying to sell me stuff or for pretty much anyone who doesn’t text and let me know they are coming first.

Random Funny Thoughts

I had amnesia once — or twice.

*****

Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

*****

I am neither for nor against apathy.

*****

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

*****

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

*****

What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

*****

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

*****

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

******

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

*****

One nice thing about egotists … they don’t talk about other people.

*****

My weight is perfect for my height … which varies.

*****

I used to be indecisive. Now, I’m not sure.

*****

The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.

*****

How can there be self-help groups

*****

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.

*****

Is it just me, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

I Guess I had An Awesome Childhood – For Those Who Get It

I absolutely did this a hundred times, then pelted everyone with them. It was when we played outside instead of in front of a screen.

Sounding – A Terrible New Internet Trend (sticking things in your dick)

First they ate a spoon of cinnamon. Then, they were snorting rubbers (It’s on YouTube, I didn’t want to have to see it again).

Now there is sounding. It’s sticking something in your dick to see how far you can do it.

To no one’s surprise, the participants are going to the hospital and are being injured, like this boy who stuck a USB cable so far down that he couldn’t get it out.

A U.K. teen had to undergo emergency surgery after a bananas attempt to measure his manhood resulted in him getting a USB cable lodged in his urethra.

The phallic fiasco reportedly began after an unnamed 15-year-old boy was “triggered by sexual curiosity” and inserted a USB wire into his urethra, per a wince-worthy study published in the medical journal Urology Case Reports.

The sexperiment backfired when the cable became lodged in the curious teen’s scrotum like an electronic catheter. Despite attempts to extract it himself, the USB cord became tangled so terribly that both ends were left hanging out of his wired willy.

Play with it, use it to pee and the other stuff it was made for, but don’t stick anything in it. It is your best personal friend for men and a play toy for females.

Why I Don’t Argue On Line Anymore

I’ve written about Internet Road Rage and Stupid Things Smart People do. It’s also why I stay away from a lot of social media. My life is a lot happier that way. Also, I don’t have to worry about my body image that Zuckerberg lied about yesterday.

After All The Covid Posts, A Little Levity, X-Ray Style – Extreme Sarcasm

Now, I’m thinking of where I can get some ashes. I’ve done a lot of stuff and this gives me new ammunition

More Wedding Bouquet Humor – I’m Not Catching That One Either

She’s a keeper, in the black dress

Childhood Pranks, One That Just Happened and My College Effort (Plus a list of Double Entendre Names You Can Use)

Some kids pranked a school board in Virginia with oldies like Wayne Kerr (Wanker), Don Kideck (donkey dick) and so forth. It’s going around but here it is. This guy had no idea he was being used like toilet paper, classic.

Now my turn.

In one of my auditorium classes (that held 250) students, we had a test and then were having the lecture. Back then it was 35 mm slides. My cousin was taking a photography class and I had her make me a whole roll of nudes.

While people were turning in their tests, I had my friends block the view between the teacher and me. There were slots open starting at the 7th slide. We anxiously waited that slide and he kept teaching because the screen was behind him. It was a shot of Marilyn Monroe from Playboy to start out. He took it well.

This was in the Animal House days. By the time the movie came out, we’d already done everything in the movie except the horse. We weren’t on double secret probation because we never got caught. We also stole the right test and got A’s in the class.

Now, here are the names you can use that weren’t called out in the prank. Some below were used in the prank above.

It’s almost as good as Euphemisms for Stupid, one of my top 2 posts ever. Someone reads that every day from around the world still. Hats off to the Bob and Tom Show (Paging Richard Smoker) and SNL for these. The clips are out there somewhere still.

Seymour Butts

Dick Beater

Richard Smoker (big dick smoker)

Jack N Off

Harry Balls(ack) – 2 for 1 here

Harry Beaver

Peter Stroker

Mr. Baiter

Haywood U Blowme

BJ Hunter

Peter Wanker

Woody Spanker

Sharon Peter

Stu Pedaso

Iwana Wiener

haid d’salaami
hous bin pharteen

Ive bin pharteen

jenna t’alia


jack izdikov (off)


justin detoush


suq madiq


usuqa m’diq


i’lik madiq


liqa madiq


yuliqa m’diq


u’wana m’diq


munchma quchi (coochie)


grabbir boubi


i-sheet m’drurz


shaif herboush


mustaf herod apyur poupr (up your pooper)


awan afuqya


yul strokheet al-wautch


apul madeek-aou

t

And, who can make a list and not include:

Mike Hunt

One of the tech support guys called the receptionist and had her page Mike at least twice over the loudspeaker to an entire warehouse. It was childish, but then so am I and I laughed as loud as everyone.

Today’s Covid Humor, What I Did At Home

I’ve been content free, so enjoy the laugh and do the usual copy and post on your social media of choice.

The trikini and marriage stuff is funny. Some of the Covid stuff makes too much sense.

Some of it just makes you think.

Guy Stuff, Why We Aim When We Pee

If it can be aimed at, we give it a go. Piscuits are low hanging fruit. A moving bug is much more challenging. It also guarantee’s a mess, but we take the shot anyway. We also play peeing for distance and other childish games.

I’m sure girls think we are silly, but when a group of them were asked what they’d do if they had a dick, they said aim it when they piss. (guys said they’d feel their boobs if they had them and shoot milk at each other like a squirt gun, still a dick thing).

When there is a stain on the bowl, we won’t clean it if we can knock it off with a stream. Yes, we write whatever we can on the sidewalk and in the snow. The ones that say they don’t are lying, but a few do need their man card revoked. We don’t even have to be taught this trick. It’s instinctive to try it.

Why do we do it? Because we can. Sure, our equipment isn’t as pretty as females, but it is useful and a built in play toy. Why do you think we hold on to it so much?

Best of all, the whole world is our urinal if needed.

I even broke up with a girlfriend who got mad at me when I had to take a leak by the side of the road because she was worried what people would think of her. They wouldn’t ever look at her for laughing at me. I knew she wasn’t a keeper at that point. Every thing was a joke to me and she couldn’t take a joke. The woman I married knew how immature I can be and ignores it most of the time.

Guys in the morning

There are times I can pee on 3 things at once and not one of them is in the bowl. Every guy has done it. Forget it if you have morning wood, that’s God’s joke on you.

Ah, Men vs. Women, Here We Go Again – Humor Between the Sexes

I’ve posted a lot of stuff poking fun at both. Once, when partially serious I posted how and why we are different here.

When less serious about it, I posted how we see things differently, on how men and women see colors differently.

And now for today’s humor.

High IQ Humor – Math Style, Also Sort of A Sunday Message, Although Sarcastic

OK, not really spiritual, but clever.

I Need One Of These For Traffic Or Protestors

Owning one of these is the only time I’d want to live in Oregon, Washington (either one), California or New York. Let’s not forget that the same people have invaded Florida.

Actually, I should be banned from having one. I’d be in jail within minutes of buying it.

Star Trek, Life Imitates Art

It would be iconic to call him that over a 2 way radio. The jokes write themselves sometimes don’t they.

I’ve met William Shatner. He was an ok guy. I’m sure meeting people like me over and over is tedious, but he was good about it.

He still is my favorite Captain and there would be no Picard, Janeway, Sisko or others without the real Kirk.

Here we are, in Vegas of course.

Most shocking to me is that I was taller. I’m also a 3rd degree blackbelt so I could kick his ass no matter how many Romulans he’s killed.

This Is Me If I Were A Doctor

Oh, I’d write a lot of other stuff too. Imagine if an ex came in or a celebtard whining about their $20 million Disney contract? No telling what I’d write, but it would be good.

I know doctors pride themselves on straight lines when operating. They told me.

Just like the anti-matter a few posts below, there are some things I should be banned from doing. This would be close to the top of the list.

And You Think Your Job Sucks and No, I Couldn’t Keep a Straight Face

Not a chance I wouldn’t play with these and laugh my ass off. I’d also be reported to HR within minutes for some inappropriate joke. It would be worth it.

I wonder if these ladies take work home with them?

I Love Student’s Creative Answers In Biology Class and Boobs

I posted Hell explained by an engineering student that was so creative the teacher gave him a top score. I still laugh at that one (right Teresa?)?

Now, there is this one on Mother’s milk. It’s almost as creative and funny as the engineer.

The teacher has a sense of humor. I have no idea what number 7 really is, but the answer is good enough for me. I thought he was going to mention play toys at first.

Why Storm Troopers Can’t Shoot Strait Or Hit Anything – Men’s Edition

If you bother watching them in the movies, the are just target practice for the Rebels. These guys can’t hit a wall in front of them.

You kill one when you shoot a Storm Trooper, yet it’s ever only a wound when they shoot someone. Maybe they had vasectomies?

Anyway, this is me in the morning a lot of days. I think I’ve bulls eyed the bowl and I’ve pissed on who knows what.

What Is Amazon Prime Day Really Like?

I know they have free shipping, but there is always something else you want, not need and they put it in your face.

I’ve bought zilch this year. I realized that Amazon is discounting a lot of stuff to put their version of the products in your house.

Really, I don’t need more stuff and the deals aren’t that great anymore. There is also 2 million deals to sort through, most of which you could get for the same price by waiting and watching.

How To Write If You Want To Capture Your Audience

I didn’t want to read this until I couldn’t keep my eyes from jumping ahead to find out what happened. I never expected how it would turn out.

As for me, when I write (not blogging where I write streams of thoughts usually too early and mostly unedited), trying to urge a reader to become emotionally involved with the characters and read on is what I try for.

I read on to find out who this bitch was and why. Fortunately it is short.

Excerpt:

They didn’t want to turn her on but they did. I never want to turn her on but I do. After they had turned her on for awhile they grew tired of listening to her. After listening to her for even ten seconds I’m enraged by her. Somewhere along the long road to their duck hunting camp they named her “The Bitch” and turned her off. At random points on any road I drive I want to throw “The Bitch” out the window and run over her until she’s nothing but a flat black splotch on the asphalt.

“The Bitch” has her uses. She’s helped me find my way to unknown destinations and out of places where I’m hopelessly lost. It doesn’t matter. I hate the very thought of her. She’s the worst nag since Eve made Adam slap on the fig leaf and remarked on how small it was. She’s Lilith and Delilah and the “What–ever Girl.” She’s the most passive-aggressive talker since the last speech by Barack Obama. She’s “The Bitch.”

Breaking: A New Update On Euphemisms for Stupid (Bonus For Introverts, What to Say Is Handed To You Here)

By far, my most popular posts are What’s it like to have a high IQ and this one, Euphemisms for Stupid. For a decade, this post was #1 worldwide in Google on how to call someone stupid.

More people have re-used content on this post around the world than some marketing campaigns by Facebook, and that is where a lot of it wound up it seemed (and I still have a happy life after I fired them).

To honor that post, I updated it today (there are almost a hundred creative ways to say someone fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down or that they couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel) with this one:

Enjoy, and if you want to find out a way to say someone is stupid that you’ve never heard of, go get you some at the link above.

Will Rogers On Ingorance

“You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.”

We all are smart at something (the converse is true about the other things). For that we grant ourselves superiority status that bleeds to other things that aren’t always our best subjects.

That led to the next saying. “Here, hold my beer”. We all know how that turns out.

It’s ok to say you don’t know about something. It ends some conversations based on competing knowledge, some of which could actually be true.

I look at the experts on what is happening in the world and wonder if some of these people have overstepped their boundaries…….Like this one:

Alina Chan, a biologist at the Silver lab at the Harvard School of Medicine

Chan is one of 18 scientists who finally admitted in the journal of Science last month that the Wuhan coronvirus likely originated in a Wuhan, China virology lab.

Chan says liberal scientists lied to the American public for months about their beliefs on the origination of the virus to not be associated with the President who was trying to save lives.

One of the Greatest Meme’s For A Guy

First, you have to know what brrrrttttt is. It is the sound the 30 MM cannon makes from an A-10. If you don’t know the sound or are female and want to know what the big deal is (read, how childish men can be at any age) it is very important to know the sound to actually get the meme.

It will help you understand your man though as this stuff goes through our heads, its only 37 seconds.

For those who know the sound and are a guy, enjoy and I hope you laugh. Get you some.

How Many Times Have I Wanted One Of These

My guess is this is at a bar so they don’t fall over.

I’m done with that in my life now so it’s me wanting to rest now.

Sarcasm Tuesday, Green New Deal Cars Hit The Showrooms

I have no dog in this fight except I don’t want it to cost tax dollars for a boondoggle like Solyndra. I’m not sure it’s ready for prime time even with the most fervent people.

Based on this study, 75% of Americans aren’t willing to spend more than $50 right now. The current price tag of the GND is $93 trillion so they haven’t reached a compromise yet. YMMV

The Gender Neutral Bathroom We’ve Had For Ages

I read before the last Olympics that all of the athletes pee in the pool also, they admitted it.

Somebody get me some chlorine or the ocean.

Other than that, have a happy Memorial Day and try to remember those who paid the ultimate price for us to enjoy this day, and pee in the pool

How To Cook Bacon, Seriously Do People Need These Instructions?

Fortunately, it’s hard to get bacon wrong. It also makes everything tasted better. That is why there is bacon bits for instant bacon on your salad.

How To Properly Merge Into Traffic

Traffic 101, The Set Up On What The Battlefield Was

I learned the rules of the road in Miami during the Miami Vice days.

I had a 10 mile commute that took 1 hour because of traffic. There was basically one way from where I lived to where I worked. You could see any number of things on the ride. There were girls putting on make up, men shaving, people having sex (yes, not a typo) and a lot of people getting high on their way to work. Back then, the drugs came through South Florida, not Mexico. It was enjoyed with great gusto at the port of entry.

Getting in and out of traffic was difficult. Miami is just another Borough of New York driving wise. Florida drivers are close to the top of the list of worst in any state. Traffic, short tempers and the same freakin’ commute every damn day made them mean and short fused.

Road rage was way different. Instead of giving the finger and cussing someone out in your car all nice and protected, we saw guns come out a window on the road.

How I Learned To Merge

If you read all of the above, you got that there was a lot of drug money and expensive cars. Mine was not. My first lesson was to learn how to play chicken. Most people will finally back off if you are willing to sacrifice your car or make it look like you are.

Sure, like the picture you can go to the end of the line to get in, but what if the opportunity is not there?

—–> HERE IS YOUR BEST PIECE OF ADVICE.

Find the most expensive car in the line and merge on it. They will give way as they have more to lose. Don’t try it if you see them pull a pistol. I always liked Mercedes or Sports Cars. This excludes Ferrari’s because the druggies owned them. I aimed at the Merc’s or other big sedans. They were executives who didn’t want to let you in, but gave up easily.

——> NEXT PIECE OF ADVICE

Don’t make eye contact because you want them to think that you don’t see them, despite the fact that they are guiding a 3000 pound death machine capable of causing pain and damage potentially inches away from you. You might be nice or scared off by people like me if you see them. Conversely, if I didn’t want to let you in, I was willing to win the game of chicken from the other lane.

It’s like asking for forgiveness instead of permission. Just keep going. Pretend you don’t see them and barge in.

—–> A CHEAP MERGE, BUT DOESN’T GET YOU POINTS IN THE MERGE GAME

I’ll mention it because someone will call it out, but merge on the trucks nicely. Be decent about it and give them time to stop. They hate cars doing that and sometimes they can’t stop in time. Catch them on the acceleration because cars always win.

——> A DICK MOVE, BUT EFFECTIVE

You can always come in on a motorcycle, but what’s the sport of that. Coming in on a really expensive car with a person who looks like an asshole is a lot more satisfying.

—–> LADY DRIVER WARNING

Don’t come in if they are putting on makeup in the mirror. They won’t see you and you will sacrifice both cars. This is the one time you need to check first. I am more likely to go in on a female however as they are less aggressive. They can get way funnier when they get mad at you though, so the show sometimes is worth it. They give up too fast though

Living in the South

I don’t live in Miami anymore. I moved to the South. That sounds counter-intuitive but the South begins above Orlando and goes to about Virginia-ish. It mixes with the north from there. The reason I bring that up is that people are nice in the South. They let you in when you want to merge into traffic.

You just look at the other driver, ask with your hand if it’s ok and almost always you get let in. You wave when done and everyone feels good. Sure, it’s not the satisfaction of gaining seconds during a last dash merge, but I’m not in that big of a hurry anymore.

I got so used to letting people in, on a business trip in New York I tried to let someone in. They didn’t trust me so I realized I was supposed to cut them off. Once I did, they almost thanked me. See why people are happier in the south?

My traffic study skills show that staying in a lane can be just as fast as jumping all around. Merging skills are for when you are caught in a lane close and you have to get in. Don’t be a dick and tie up traffic for those few seconds.

Sarcasm Saturday, See If You Get It

The key to getting out of these toys that you get in Cracker Jacks or the Movie Theater is to relax. How can you do that when all the blood has rushed to your head?

Covid Does NOT Change The Men’s Rules For Urinals.

This is so wrong above. The rules are if there is more than two urinals, the second guy goes to the furthest one. You always look straight ahead, but if you have to, you can only look the other guy in the eye.

https://i.ytimg.com/vi/DTySK0u2Ws4/maxresdefault.jpg

The second picture is how it is done. It just is.

How To Win A Fight With Your Wife

It is time sensitive though. Once you get back home the rules revert to whatever house rules are. It’s the little victories in life that count though.

I like the way this guy thinks.

More On Fashion Or Why Am I Staring At You

The masks are coming off and we can see your mug again. No more guessing who they are by the eyes. Now, we can see that nose ring in the post below.

Scratch #2 on the list. I don’t try that hard.

It Was Probably Me Who Did This

I’ve put socks in men’s pants (on a mannequin to make them look more manly.

Sock’s also look like #2 if they are brown. I’ve turned clothes around on displays and helped the hands move to places not unlike the picture.

I even waited around for the crowd approval as they walked by, not bothered by store security as they laughed.

Sometimes maturity is over-rated for laughs

Vegans Arguing, Is It a Beef?

I know someone who just went vegan and sure enough, I get to hear all about it. I don’t really care what anyone eats other than me so I’ll skip any vegan jokes here.

I drew the line at asparagus for breakfast though. No, just no.

Lord And Lady Douchebag – When SNL Was Clever and Funny

It was the first time the word douchebag was used on TV.

This is where I admit to having the humor of a 12 year old, but this is still funny. The off hand remarks by Lord Salisbury (steak), Lord Remington (shave), the Earl of Sandwich and Parliament being full of douchebags for centuries.

On 4/20 day, this is going to be especially funny to someone.

A New Low In Climate Scares – A Smaller Penis

This is about climate warnings via scaring people, not whether there is global warming or whatever.

The trick to get people to do something is the carrot or stick. This one is kind of both.

I’m used to being told that the statue of liberty will drown or Miami Beach is going under water and rarely pay attention. I think they are just after money and will say almost anything.

Its a new low though when they go to your unit, your family jewels, the python of passion…..uh, stop right there. I think you get what I’m talking about.

Now, your dick is getting shorter or something. Really? If you want me to buy into this, at least make it believable.

Get this……

Erin Brockovich
Thu 18 Mar 2021 21.23 AEDT

The chemicals to blame for our reproductive crisis are found everywhere and in everything

The end of humankind? It may be coming sooner than we think, thanks to hormone-disrupting chemicals that are decimating fertility at an alarming rate around the globe. A new book called Countdown, by Shanna Swan, an environmental and reproductive epidemiologist at Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai in New York, finds that sperm counts have dropped almost 60% since 1973. Following the trajectory we are on, Swan’s research suggests sperm counts could reach zero by 2045. Zero. Let that sink in. That would mean no babies. No reproduction. No more humans. Forgive me for asking: why isn’t the UN calling an emergency meeting on this right now?

The chemicals to blame for this crisis are found in everything from plastic containers and food wrapping, to waterproof clothes and fragrances in cleaning products, to soaps and shampoos, to electronics and carpeting. Some of them, called PFAS, are known as “forever chemicals”, because they don’t breakdown in the environment or the human body. They just accumulate and accumulate – doing more and more damage, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. Now, it seems, humanity is reaching a breaking point.

…Read more: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/mar/18/toxic-chemicals-health-humanity-erin-brokovich

Choose for yourself if you want to believe it. I’m going to protect my privates.

Proof That Nothing Is Possible, Also Where (not when) Nothing Is the Best Place for Guys

And Now for Guys, I present the Nothing Box. Girls, you should pay attention if you really want to understand men, even though you’ll never really get it.

Also Guys, understanding why women’s minds are so busy is also explained. It’s something we’ll never get.

What is so funny to me is that every time I try to explain it to a girl, she can’t understand it or wants to get into my nothing box. They never understand that if you got into my nothing box, it would be a different box (see at 8:15 where nothing is something). Watch and see:

When the Cancel Culture Goes Too Far and Why It Is Duplicitous

First of all, every Pepe Le Pew is the same cartoon. The cat gets into wet paint and looks like a female skunk so Pepe is attracted to her.

Let’s get to the real story here! At the end of each cartoon the role are reversed. The cat somehow gets into water or looks like a wreck and falls in love with Pepe. The rest of the show is the cat doing a #MeToo on Pepe.

It is the cat that should be cancelled, not Pepe. He was fine until she ruined his life, just like the snowflakes going after everything that hurts their feelings. Get a life and learn to enjoy the sarcasm of the show.

Bring back Pepe!

New DeWalt Combo Air Nailer/Assault Rifle

Washington thinks they are going to take  away our guns, so check this out……..sales of this new product  may skyrocket.

Introducing the perfect solution.  

You don’t have to REGISTER them  or  have LICENSE to own one ….

AND, you don’t have to worry about them being  CONCEALED!


New Nail Gun — made by DeWalt.

It can drive a 16-D nail through a 2×4 at 200 yards.

This  makes construction a breeze …… you can sit in your lawn chair and  build a fence.

Hundred round magazine.

If someone tries to rob your house — Nail his ass to the wall !!!

Thank you DeWalt!

 “IN GOD WE TRUST”