As Elmore Leonard put it, “If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you’re the asshole.”
First they ate a spoon of cinnamon. Then, they were snorting rubbers (It’s on YouTube, I didn’t want to have to see it again).
Now there is sounding. It’s sticking something in your dick to see how far you can do it.
A U.K. teen had to undergo emergency surgery after a bananas attempt to measure his manhood resulted in him getting a USB cable lodged in his urethra.
The phallic fiasco reportedly began after an unnamed 15-year-old boy was “triggered by sexual curiosity” and inserted a USB wire into his urethra, per a wince-worthy study published in the medical journal Urology Case Reports.
The sexperiment backfired when the cable became lodged in the curious teen’s scrotum like an electronic catheter. Despite attempts to extract it himself, the USB cord became tangled so terribly that both ends were left hanging out of his wired willy.
Play with it, use it to pee and the other stuff it was made for, but don’t stick anything in it. It is your best personal friend for men and a play toy for females.
I’ve been known to do this. I hope Pavlov just affects dogs.
If it can be aimed at, we give it a go. Piscuits are low hanging fruit. A moving bug is much more challenging. It also guarantee’s a mess, but we take the shot anyway. We also play peeing for distance and other childish games.
I’m sure girls think we are silly, but when a group of them were asked what they’d do if they had a dick, they said aim it when they piss. (guys said they’d feel their boobs if they had them and shoot milk at each other like a squirt gun, still a dick thing).
When there is a stain on the bowl, we won’t clean it if we can knock it off with a stream. Yes, we write whatever we can on the sidewalk and in the snow. The ones that say they don’t are lying, but a few do need their man card revoked. We don’t even have to be taught this trick. It’s instinctive to try it.
Why do we do it? Because we can. Sure, our equipment isn’t as pretty as females, but it is useful and a built in play toy. Why do you think we hold on to it so much?
Best of all, the whole world is our urinal if needed.
I even broke up with a girlfriend who got mad at me when I had to take a leak by the side of the road because she was worried what people would think of her. They wouldn’t ever look at her for laughing at me. I knew she wasn’t a keeper at that point. Every thing was a joke to me and she couldn’t take a joke. The woman I married knew how immature I can be and ignores it most of the time.
More specifically, researchers found that consuming one 85-gram serving of chicken wings translated to 3.3 minutes of life lost, owing to sodium and harmful trans fatty acids, while a beef hot dog on a bun resulted in some 36 minutes lost “largely due to the detrimental effect of processed meat,” study authors wrote.
Joey Chestnut is about dead. He knocked back 75 dogs this year to win the contest. He looks pretty healthy to me. Badlands Booker on the other hand better prepare his will.
The good news is that a PB&J sandwich adds 33 minutes to your life. I’m going to be about 3000 years old given that I’ve lived on it for 5 or more decades.
A severe headache? Seriously, has anyone heard the sound a gun makes when fired?
There are times I can pee on 3 things at once and not one of them is in the bowl. Every guy has done it. Forget it if you have morning wood, that’s God’s joke on you.
I used to read the paper there. Now I read the phone. I still say I have to go read the sports page to be nice about dropping a deuce.
Don’t forget that if by chance you use the talking to another person feature on your phone, that you can be heard making bodily noises, or at least the echo that everyone recognizes.
Not a chance I wouldn’t play with these and laugh my ass off. I’d also be reported to HR within minutes for some inappropriate joke. It would be worth it.
I wonder if these ladies take work home with them?
Note: I have nothing against them, except they always tell you and complain about what I’m eating. I never mention how they are missing out on the joy of bacon.
If you bother watching them in the movies, the are just target practice for the Rebels. These guys can’t hit a wall in front of them.
You kill one when you shoot a Storm Trooper, yet it’s ever only a wound when they shoot someone. Maybe they had vasectomies?
Anyway, this is me in the morning a lot of days. I think I’ve bulls eyed the bowl and I’ve pissed on who knows what.
I’ve had dogs all my life and know them well. I went right to Rusty’s answer also.
I’m like Jeff Foxworthy. I grew up getting the Sears catalog in the mail. Those were the only girls in underwear you would see, until Victoria’s Secret gave us the catalog of dreams.
They put beautiful women in underwear for men and women to admire. Good art in any form is beautiful (the Sears models reminded Jeff of the lunch lady at the school cafeteria). It’s why there are so many naked statues. It was the concept of art to an artist. That they lasted longer than a catalog has so far so that also says something.
Now this (here is the tragedy):
Here is the reaction so far:
Victoria’s Secret has chosen going full woke over earning a profit, succumbing to the hypersensitivities on the left to embark on a major rebranding.
Even the standard size 32B mannequins on display in their stores didn’t make the cut, as the forms representing the female figure will now come in new shapes and sizes.
The paper said the company has been “scrutinized heavily in recent years for its owner’s relationship with the late sex offender Jeffrey Epstein and revelations about a misogynistic corporate culture that trafficked in sexism, sizeism and ageism.”
OK, back to my observation.
I’m not sure what is more stupid. Is it the marketing decision to lose this much money, goodwill and customers or to think that most people wanted to look or what make it hugely successful. Do they think that this is more beautiful than Giselle Bünchen in angel wings?
I’m sure there is a small portion of the population who identifies with this and good for them. The problem is it is ruining the beauty that was the draw for the other 98%.
I know this type of display is inclusive or is progressive or something politically correct in the eyes of the PC and SJW police, but I (and see below or read the article above for how many others) still think they are ruining a good thing.
All of this has come together to ruin another concept that has been around since whenever man showed up, women are beautiful. Both males and females think that the fairer sex is a work of beauty. For example, everyone thinks a naked woman is something beautiful to look at. I’m willing to bet that there are a lot more people (even females in beards) that find them better to look at than most men naked. There aren’t that many Chip n Dales guys just walking around. And let’s face it. Other than a few people who can ruin anything by being mean and nasty, almost all women are beautiful in their own way.
If there are 330 million people in the US (a low guess) and throw out the old and the young, you would still have a few hundred million just in the USA who liked the older style catalog and their models a lot more. VS is big all over the world so even the PC people like to look at the real catalog, not the travesty that is this year’s.
I don’t care how many likes they got in social media. Most people go along with the crowd in public and social media is a bunch of pretend anyway.
Get woke go broke they say. I doubt it for VS, but it hasn’t helped the bottom lines of Nickelodeon Channel, Gillette, Coke, the NBA, MLB, NFL and other companies.
It looks like I’m not alone. I’ll put up some links that have something to do with it in whatever way that is interesting.
The Earl of Taint – I wish them luck
I’m not saying she has a big one, but(t)……..
My guess is this is at a bar so they don’t fall over.
I’m done with that in my life now so it’s me wanting to rest now.
I read before the last Olympics that all of the athletes pee in the pool also, they admitted it.
Somebody get me some chlorine or the ocean.
Other than that, have a happy Memorial Day and try to remember those who paid the ultimate price for us to enjoy this day, and pee in the pool
The key to getting out of these toys that you get in Cracker Jacks or the Movie Theater is to relax. How can you do that when all the blood has rushed to your head?
My daughter had a simple nose piercing before she joined the real world. One day while teaching Sunday School, one of the toddlers asked her why she had a booger on her nose (it was a small diamond). Kids tell the truth. It didn’t look good, but what can a Dad tell a teenage daughter? You guessed it, nothing.
I talked to Doctors who told me this is a petri dish for bacteria. What happens in allergy season when your nose is constantly running? It is disgusting to think about.
Finally, I’m not in the dating pool. If I was, this would be on the list of red flags that would tip me off to not everything is going well upstairs. I don’t care what others do to their bodies as long as it doesn’t affect me. It doesn’t mean that I think it looks good or makes anyone more appealing. That affects me.
I try to protect myself from crazy people. Piercing your nose doesn’t make you crazy. It does give a hint that maybe not everything is working well in the decision part of the brain though.
Caveat: I have readers from countries that this is a tradition and perhaps a religious symbol. I get that it is a part of your life. However, are they are getting it done because they have to or are supposed to. I wonder who would do it if the mental pressure to do so wasn’t there?
I still ask myself how does one think that makes them look better? I move along and say nothing, but so far it hasn’t improved anyone’s appearance that I can tell.
Remember belly button piercings? No one is running out to get those anymore either.
Whatever blows wind up your skirt, Oink.
I know someone who just went vegan and sure enough, I get to hear all about it. I don’t really care what anyone eats other than me so I’ll skip any vegan jokes here.
I drew the line at asparagus for breakfast though. No, just no.
Those who have been stupid enough to use Gorilla Glue on themselves need to be made fun of. They have the Darwin awards, but these losers couldn’t even kill themselves right.
Unfortunately this generation will be making decisions for us in 20 years I fear.
Usually, a generation is in fear of the next but so far those fears have been unfounded. We now have proof that the next generation are in fact idiots.
First tested in China for our benefit.
Ouch.
Local school board is deciding whether or not to make kids wear masks at school. Here is what will happen.
Here’s how I think requiring masks might work in elementary.
Please don’t snap Billy’s mask in his face.
Your mask is not a necklace, bracelet, or any other form of jewelry.
You should not be using your mask as a slingshot. Please put it back on your face.
Please do not chew on your mask.
Your mask should be on your face, not on the back of your head
I’m sorry your mask is wet, but that’s what happens when you lick the inside of it.
I’m sorry you sneezed. Here’s a tissue. Wipe out the snot as well as you can.
No, you may not blow your nose in your mask.
Why is your mask soaking wet? You just came back from the bathroom?
And you put it back on your face after you dropped it?
I’m sorry you broke the elastic on your mask by seeing how far the band would stretch. Now you’ll have to hold the mask on your face … or use this duct tape.
Please take the mask off your eyes and watch where you’re walking. I don’t care if you have X-ray vision.
Please take the mask off of your pencil and stop twirling it.
I know the mask fits over your pants like a knee pad, but please take it off of your leg and put it on your face.
What do you mean you tried to eat your lunch through your mask?
Please don’t share your mask or trade masks. I don’t care if you like Ingrid’s mask better than yours.
I’m sorry, but your mask is not school appropriate.
We’re not comparing our masks to other kids’ masks… everyone’s mask is unique and special.
No, you may not decorate your mask instead of doing your work. I don’t care if you have a Sharpie.
You’re not a pirate, please take your mask off your eye.
Try to get the gum off as much as you can.
Please don’t use your mask to pick your nose.
I’m sorry you tripped, but that’s what happens when you put your feet inside the elastic of your mask.
No, your mask doesn’t make it hard to get your work done.
Your Mom will need to get you a new mask since you chewed a hole in that one.
Why is there a shoe print on your mask?
No, you cannot eat the snow through your mask.
I don’t care if you were in art class and being creative; we do not decorate our masks.
We do not beam other kids in the face with balls. No, their masks don’t make it not hurt.
Please don’t plug your nose holes with your mask.
Who’s making that noise?
I’m sorry your ponytail is stuck, that’s what happens when you see how many times you can wrap it around your mask.
I’m sorry to tell you, but your child thought her mask made her a superhero. She tried to fly off the jungle gym at recess …
I’m sorry your breath stinks in your mask, maybe we should all try to brush better.
Please take those cookies out of your mask. No, you are not a chipmunk.
First, I am not going to weigh in on what a world leader has said. Every time I have ever tried it, nothing is gained as everyone has their own opinion and trying to sway it is not what I care about. Enjoy your center, left, right or whatever political position you wish.
I was looking for whether this actually exists. Here is what I’ve found.
UPDATE: Portland is the newest shit hole. Click on the link: Portland: American epicenter of degeneracy, depression, and ANTIFA.
Here is a link and a screenshot of a map from the Rice Institute based showing countries with the most open defecation.
Forbes published a list of the world’s dirtiest cities. Without passing judgement, they seem to line up with the shitholes in the map so the facts seem to be in order.
Next, is it possible that the United States has places where there is open defecation? I found that map also.
Below is the link and screenshot also, but in case you don’t recognize it, this is San Francisco.
Now, after reading this, one can add it to their travel plans to go and help, or avoid for sanitary purposes, you choose. If you go to San Francisco, zoom in and you can see where to not step in a pile of poop. As I type that, I realize that it is sad for what is supposed to be one of the leading cities of the US, and one so close to silicon valley.
It also gives everyone equal political fodder to take shots at whomever. In these days of political partisanship, nothing or nobody is safe by the 3rd or 4th comment, so I expect the same.
I just got curious and I wondered if what was said was true or not. Apparently it is.
Here is the link to the recent study of sanitation including feces, used syringes and other disease carrying trash in the heart of San Francisco. It’s a shame since it is in the heart of the restaurant and hotel area. You’d think that the tourism officials would do something about this, but looking at the graph indicates the problem escalating.
UPDATE: San Francisco is getting over 80 calls a day to report human feces for clean up. In the same report were almost as many instances of needles despite the fact that there are safe injection spaces for shooting up an illegal drug that destroys lives.
UPDATE: It turns out that Denver is now officially classified as a shithole also. They passed an act that you can drop trou and pinch a loaf right on the street. Here is the story and the reason why they passed the law.
UPDATE: It looks like Hawaii isn’t as pristine as one thinks of it. The cesspools and the water around the islands are contaminated enough to make it a shithole also. There is a link within this link that goes to the WSJ.
Video Update: A large portion of Orange county is now a 3rd world shithole also.
After all is said and done, I thought that having to have a map to not step in a pile of human feces makes a city the biggest shithole. It turns out that I was wrong.
According to the Government services including the EPA, ACS and the Census bureau comes this little gem:
The City that Never Sleeps ranked the highest in three out of five categories, placing it as shittest-city-in-the-nation of 427.9 on Busy Bee’s “dirtiness index.” The next closest competitor for all the wrong reasons is Los Angeles, which has a dirtiness index of 317.8. To complete the top five list, the remaining dirtiest cities are Chicago, Philadelphia, and San Francisco.
So not only do you have to pay way more more to live in these places, they have worse air, bigger rats and more cockroaches, they turn out to be the shitholes that we all thought they were. Why anyone would choose to live there knowing there?
UPDATE: The 7 Reasons Farting is Good For You
Dropping a deuce, pinching a loaf, laying pipe, reading the sports page, seeing a man about a horse, all are names for the same thing.
But how much does it weigh? Can you lose weight by taking laxatives or giving birth to a legend size turn monster? How much does a fart weigh? Do women fart as much as men? Let’s look into it.
According to thrill list health:
To find out how much our stool adds to the scale, researchers (serious poop
researchers do exist, folks) collected samples from people living in 12
different countries to get a comprehensive overview.
They discovered that poop weighs between 2.5oz and 1lb, on average.
To find out how much our stool adds to the scale, researchers (serious poop
researchers do exist, folks) collected samples from people living in 12
different countries to get a comprehensive overview.
Have you ever weighed yourself before and then after taking a dump?
Of course you have! Who hasn’t? The best part is seeing the scale budge
in your favor after dropping the kids off at the pool.
So it stands to reason that if you could poop more, you’d lose weight, right?
Same for farting — gas has mass, after all. Could pooping and farting
be legit weight-loss secrets, or is it all just a lot of hot air?
Unsurprisingly, Westernized populations have the lowest poop weights,
thanks to a severe lack of fiber that comes with a fast-food diet. Western
samples only averaged between 3-4oz, which isn’t nearly enough to
make a difference in your skinny jeans.
Very, very carefully. Gastroenterologists in England tried to determine
a fart’s weight by giving study participants 200g of baked beans in
addition to their normal diet. Even scientists know beans are a magical
fruit. To measure the toots these beans are known for, they used rectal
catheters over the course of 24 hours, which raises serious concerns
about the mental stability of the participants.
Despite the method, the data collected may surprise you more.
Scientists learned that the farts weighed between 16-50oz per day.
That’s right: You’re holding as much gas in your system as a small
Sweetums soda. And in case you’re wondering (you’re obviously
wondering), “Women and men expelled equivalent amounts,”
according to science. That’s right. Your sweet little cupcake is
cutting the cheese and stinking up the room just as much as you are.
Of course, there are those out there who see “poop can weigh a pound”
and will try to up their poop game by taking laxatives. Bad idea.
Robert Herbst, an 18-time world-champion powerlifter and one of
the drug-testing supervisors at the Rio Olympics, says laxative-driven
weight loss happens even at the highest levels of sport, and it isn’t pretty.
Herbst confirms that dropping a deuce will in fact budge the number
on the scale, though it won’t alter your body composition or muscle
percentage, saying, “One pound in does not guarantee one [pound] out,”
because food is metabolized differently. Certain foods are absorbed
more efficiently, while others pass right through (looking at you, corn).
So while a pound of lettuce may work its way out to the porcelain
water slide, a pound of pie will most likely stick to your thighs.
Pooping isn’t a total elimination of all the calories you eat, since that
wouldn’t make any sense. Your body needs energy, so it’s not going
to shit it all out.
On top of that, Herbst’s experience monitoring weigh-ins taught
him that no one’s going to see Biggest Loser-type results. He says
you may see a 5lb drop (if that), depending on how much you currently
weigh. If you’re a big dude, you’re going to expel more in weight and
volume because you’re already eating more.
The majority of people will only be able to look forward to a mere
1-2lb difference (at most) if you’re an active person. Those losses
aren’t worth canceling your gym membership, and in extreme
cases, excessive laxative use can lead to all sorts of nasty medical complications.
What About Competitive Eaters?
I watch the July 4th Nathans Hot Dog Eating Contest yearly. Joey Chestnut
knocked down 70 dogs in 10 minutes. I’m not sure how much that
weighs, but given the average Joe spits out almost 2 pounds after a
few dogs at most, does that mean that Joey is somewhere between a
Saint Bernard and an elephant the day after the contest?
I found this gem THE 8 TYPES OF POOP YOU SHOULD NEVER
IGNORE because it means you have a problem
What Does Your Poop Say About You?
I found this gem at did you know your facts?
And finally, go to this link to evaluate your poop and pooping habits because you should examine your deuce to see if you are unhealthy or have a problem.
Why snot is green or yellow, or other color. Click to read more.
Mucus is clear when you’re healthy and have no serious invaders. However, when bacteria or viruses attack, it will turn yellow or green due to the influx of iron-containing enzymes including myeloperoxidases, other oxidases and peroxidases. These enzymes are used by white blood cells, namely polymorphonuclear granulocytes, to help ingest and deactivate bacteria through an oxidative process. The combination of dead white blood cells, used up enzymes and eaten bacteria, all of which still contain a fair amount of iron, results in the green or yellow color.
Notably, the longer snot stays in your sinuses, the greener it will get.
Is eating boogers healthy for you? Click to read.
That said, while it may seem gross to those of us who’ve never tried (or don’t remember- nearly all children do this at one point or another), according to the sparse few studies that have been conducted on booger eaters, the vast number of people who eat their nasal mucus find it palatable, which probably isn’t a surprise to anyone as if they didn’t, they’d likely just stop. As SidneyTarachow in a 1966 report oncoprophagia (the compulsive eating bodily secretions) noted, “persons do eat nasal debris, and find it tasty, too!”
So to sum up, at least to date, there is no scientific proof that ingesting snot by passing it through your mouth is beneficial. That said, it is plausible that the snot we do all ingest all the time is benefiting us in the way snot-eating proponents suggest. It’s just that we don’t need to put it into our mouths to see the benefit, if such a benefit does exist as hypothesized.
In the end, though, as long as you’re careful, picking and eating is not generally going to hurt you, and many find it tasty… so, if that’s your thing, bon appétit!
Why is poop brown? Click to read more.
Poop is brown due to bile from your gall bladder being metabolized by the bacteria in your intestines. This results in a byproduct called stercobilin, which, in turn, makes poop look brown-ish.
Without this stercobilin, your poop would typically look grey-ish/white. Because of this, a sure sign you are having problems with bile production, such as a blocked bile duct by a gall stone or something more serious like pancreatic cancer, is if you notice your poop is this white/grey-ish color.
In the end *pun intended*, brown poop is a pretty good sign you are a relatively healthy individual. Some other common poop colors that generally aren’t a good sign of health are as follows:
Bonus Facts:
There of course are many links in these pages that lead to other gross stuff. Enjoy.
I’ll state up front that Dave Barry should have written this, because I just can’t do it proper justice, but here goes.
I love going to the grocery store, not just because I get to buy stuff to eat, but it’s a people show extraordinaire. I pretty much hate shopping, it’s go get what I need and get out like most real guys. But the grocery store is different.
I first noticed that I liked going back when I lived in South Florida, where I spent most of my single years. People would get dolled up to go to the mall, out to dinner, the movies, anywhere. But ask them to go to the store and they’ll put anything on, anytime of day. I’ve seen some cuties that looked like death warmed over picking up something to eat. There was of course, some making the walk of shame picking up eats or coffee on the way home early in the morning.
Since it was South Florida, there were a few phenomenons. If you went to the store by the beach, people would shop in their bathing suits. Being a normal single male (walking hormone) at that time of my life, this made for quite a bit of entertainment. I’ll make only passing comments here about liking the frozen aisle.
The other phenomena there is that there were a lot of old retired cranky people, mostly moved down from New York which made for endless shopping entertainment. Where I lived in Delray Beach, they used to bus them in from the retirement villages, either Kings Point or Century Village, affectionally known as cemetery village. They’d hit the Publix en mass and raise the level of complaining to new highs. I varied between going to see this almost like going to a sporting event, and avoiding it because it could really grind on you. These folks could spend 30 minutes complaining to the manager about a 5 cent increase in the price of anything. If there was an advertised special, they moved faster to get there than the rest of the year, except maybe to the bathroom after prune breaks. Hitting each other with their shopping carts was hilarious until it happened to me. I politely informed the person that if they did it again, they’d wind up in the meat section.
You can tell pretty much the state of life they are in by what’s in their cart. The college kids usually had health food like cheez-its for breakfast, a frozen pizza and a case or two of beer, real cheap beer like old Milwaukee, Busch, Pabst or Schlitz when it was available. Young couples would have 40 cans of baby food and diapers. Middle age had progressively healthier food, the elderly’s had prune juice and polident.
The time of day that you shopped will vary the crowd also. The moms running households dominate the morning, Working moms and dads are on Saturday mornings. The folks picking up something for dinner after work are regulars from 5-7 PM. Anywhere from 10 PM on, especially are the partiers. Anyone after 10 in the twinkie aisle had the munchies.
Who don’t you want to see at the grocery store? Anyone you know usually, especially someone from work. Unless you’re already lunch buddies, the level of uncomfortableness increases dramatically with how far away they are from your cube. What’s really embarrassing is someone you know and forgot their name. People duck down the quickest escape route to avoid conversation like there was a nerve gas explosion for this one. I find it especially rewarding to see someone I know who looks like death warmed over at the store, but they spend extra time to be dolled up at work. I’ll always make it a point to say hello, even when I wouldn’t want to talk. One person whose name I’ll not mention does have her hair always perfect, I can’t figure this out. My son’s kindergarten teacher told us at orientation that seeing someone at the store was her least favorite place to see a parent as she would have to run down the kid’s behavior.
Back to South Florida, seeing someone you work with in a bathing suit at the store was like a touchdown and an extra point for me. Invariably, they acted like they were naked in public for which I got endless pleasure.
It’s a lot different now that I live in North Carolina and am married and running a household. It’s a contest to see if you can hit double or triple coupon day to see how much you can save. The old people are different here also. I heard the other day, “please get in front of me, you have a baby and I’m not in that big a hurry”.
Also, as I’ve mentioned, I have a dog, and we have to pick up the output when we take her for a walk. Only plastic (not paper) works for that. Since she goes for a walk about 20 times a day, we need a big supply of bags. So its always a struggle to get as many bags as possible for this while the store tries to cram every item you buy into as few as possible.
And about me, think I care what I look like? Think again. I’ll put on jeans and a hat and it’s off to funland, hunting for co-workers. Too bad we live inland now.
