All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Casey Stengel
There’s not much I can say to this other than it’s genius, or a better Yogi Berra-ism than Yogi could have said.
The next time I want to stop the talking or confuse others, I’m using this one.
It’s not just older men, it’s older people and little kids. Art Linkletter said that kids tell the truth and older people just don’t give a s&!^ anymore.
I laughed at this, especially the staple and the beeping.
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”
Specify that your drive-through order is “TO-GO.”
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.”
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
Staple pages in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
“DO YOU HEAR THAT?”
“What?”
“Never mind, it’s gone now.”
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “No, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
Ask people what gender they are.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.
A person must know their limits. Those who know more than you will quickly know when you have gone past the line of your knowledge (abilities, capabilities, etc.)
It’s no shame to say I don’t know, especially if it gives you the opportunity to learn or grow. It’s only those afraid to say they don’t know or act like they do that miss the chance to expand their life.
Swallow your pride and seek others help.
Also, don’t say here, hold my beer and do something stupid.
Read the title, this is humor and tongue in cheek at that. Don’t take it any other way. I don’t care if they re-name the team the Washington Team, but that doesn’t preclude me from making fun of the situation because someone sent me this and I think it is a clever play on words.
The world has bigger problems than this so try and have a laugh, then move along.
“Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.”
Wendell Johnson
When I went to a group for married couples early in my marriage, this was one of the significant topics.
Sure, it’s written in humor in the quote above, but it is very true. Nothing is always or never like you never put the toilet seat down or you always leave the lights on. It’s just not true and both parties know it.
The reason I say married couples is that people dating or living together can just leave with little damage other than feelings. While it’s not believed by a lot of people, the concept of marriage is until death do us part. Some still pull that off.
So never say always and always say never.
“Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.”
Mickey Mouse
I’m going to leave any sense of my usual pontificating based on wisdom here. They of course couldn’t say it on TV, but the old locker room joke is that guys can count to 21, do the math.
I haven’t looked at his picture recently, but I don’t think Mickey had 5 fingers on his hand either.
Let’s face it, actors are people who pretend to be others for money. A few make it as big stars so good for them. I hope more are successful.
Many in Hollywood or wherever the pretenders live are separated from the real world. They have a good education in acting, but seem to lack an understanding of how little their opinion matters. Many sport that valuable high school degree that is just the stepping stone for the rest of the country.
The number of Instagram followers is not an indication of their influence or education, except to minions of teenyboppers who want their shot at fame. The meme above talks about politics, but they seem to interject when it is social media acceptable for them to tell us what they think we should do.
The celebtards, as I have seem them referred to want to force their beliefs on the 9-5’ers. The problem is that those two groups live in different worlds. Most in the real world understand what it takes to survive in a less privileged life.
At the end of the day, most of us just want to see them ply their trade to entertain us and distract us from our worries and troubles. We don’t need them to tell us how to think, vote or live our lives. Stick to acting so we can enjoy it.
I’ve posted before how no one really cares about celebrity opinions. I thought I’d just revisit it.
I got this from Mark Manson. The original quote we think we know goes like this; the sum of the parts is greater than the whole. Mark points out that almost nothing Aristotle says is all that understandable so I thought I’d give an example above.
Usually I have something pithy today, but I thought I’d throw in an example of something we think we know and really don’t, along with how little we pay attention to history.
TOP TEN LEGAL SAYINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT AREN’T
Have you looked through her briefs?
He is one hard judge!
Counselor, let’s do it in chambers.
Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
Is it a penal offense?
Better leave the handcuffs on.
For $200 an hour, she better be good!
Can you get him to drop his suit?
The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
Think you can get me off?
***************
TOP TEN GOLF SAYINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT AREN’T
Damn, my shaft is bent.
After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
Look at the size of his putter.
Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
Mind if I join your threesome?
Stand with your back turned and drop it.
My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.
Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
And of course the list wouldn’t be complete without this……
Hold on, I need to wash my balls first.
Local school board is deciding whether or not to make kids wear masks at school. Here is what will happen.
Here’s how I think requiring masks might work in elementary.
Please don’t snap Billy’s mask in his face.
Your mask is not a necklace, bracelet, or any other form of jewelry.
You should not be using your mask as a slingshot. Please put it back on your face.
Please do not chew on your mask.
Your mask should be on your face, not on the back of your head
I’m sorry your mask is wet, but that’s what happens when you lick the inside of it.
I’m sorry you sneezed. Here’s a tissue. Wipe out the snot as well as you can.
No, you may not blow your nose in your mask.
Why is your mask soaking wet? You just came back from the bathroom?
And you put it back on your face after you dropped it?
I’m sorry you broke the elastic on your mask by seeing how far the band would stretch. Now you’ll have to hold the mask on your face … or use this duct tape.
Please take the mask off your eyes and watch where you’re walking. I don’t care if you have X-ray vision.
Please take the mask off of your pencil and stop twirling it.
I know the mask fits over your pants like a knee pad, but please take it off of your leg and put it on your face.
What do you mean you tried to eat your lunch through your mask?
Please don’t share your mask or trade masks. I don’t care if you like Ingrid’s mask better than yours.
I’m sorry, but your mask is not school appropriate.
We’re not comparing our masks to other kids’ masks… everyone’s mask is unique and special.
No, you may not decorate your mask instead of doing your work. I don’t care if you have a Sharpie.
You’re not a pirate, please take your mask off your eye.
Try to get the gum off as much as you can.
Please don’t use your mask to pick your nose.
I’m sorry you tripped, but that’s what happens when you put your feet inside the elastic of your mask.
No, your mask doesn’t make it hard to get your work done.
Your Mom will need to get you a new mask since you chewed a hole in that one.
Why is there a shoe print on your mask?
No, you cannot eat the snow through your mask.
I don’t care if you were in art class and being creative; we do not decorate our masks.
We do not beam other kids in the face with balls. No, their masks don’t make it not hurt.
Please don’t plug your nose holes with your mask.
Who’s making that noise?
I’m sorry your ponytail is stuck, that’s what happens when you see how many times you can wrap it around your mask.
I’m sorry to tell you, but your child thought her mask made her a superhero. She tried to fly off the jungle gym at recess …
I’m sorry your breath stinks in your mask, maybe we should all try to brush better.
Please take those cookies out of your mask. No, you are not a chipmunk.
Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
Men are by nature merely indifferent to one another; but women are by nature enemies.
Try telling this to the Press, celebtards, sports stars who try to cram their opinion on those because they are good a games or career politicians. They are the worst offenders.
1. Your shoes are the first things people subconsciously notice about you. Wear nice shoes.
2. If you sit for more than 11 hours a day, there’s a 50% chance you’ll die within the next 3 years.
3. There are at least 6 people in the world who look exactly like you. There’s a 9% chance that you’ll meet one of them in your lifetime.
4. Sleeping without a pillow reduces back pain and keeps your spine stronger.
5. A person’s height is determined by their father, and their mother determines their weight.
6. If a part of your body “falls asleep”, you can almost always “wake it up” by shaking your head.
7. There are three things the human brain cannot resist noticing – food, attractive people and danger.
8. Right-handed people tend to chew food on their right side.
9. Putting dry tea bags in gym bags or smelly shoes will absorb the unpleasant odor.
10. According to Albert Einstein, if honeybees were to disappear from earth, humans would be dead within 4 years.
11. There are so many kinds of apples, that if you ate a new one every day, it would take over 20 years to try them all.
12. You can survive without eating for weeks, but you will only live 11 days without sleeping.
13. People who laugh a lot are healthier than those who don’t.
14. Laziness and inactivity kill just as many people as smoking.
15. A human brain has a capacity to store 5 times as much information as Wikipedia.
16. Our brain uses the same amount of power as a 10-watt light bulb!!
17. Our body gives enough heat in 30 minutes to boil 1.5 liters of water!!
18. The Ovum egg is the largest cell and the sperm is the smallest cell!!
19. Stomach acid (conc. HCl) is strong enough to dissolve razor blades!!
20. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day & while you walk, SMILE. It is the ultimate antidepressant.
21. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
22. When you wake up in the morning, pray to ask God’s guidance for your purpose, today.
23. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
24. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, broccoli, and almonds.
25. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
26. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts and things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
27. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
28. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
29. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Forgive them for everything.
30. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
31. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
32. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
33. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
34. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
35. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: ‘In five years, will this matter?’
36. Help the needy, be generous! Be a ‘Giver’ not a ‘Taker’
37. What other people think of you is none of your business.
38. Time heals everything.
39. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
40. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. Each night before you go to bed, pray to God and be thankful for what you accomplished, today. What if you woke up this morning and only had what you thanked God for yesterday? DON’T FORGET TO THANK GOD FOR EVERYTHING.
43. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.
I’m thinking ahead here to what might happen on this next Black Friday sale.
As I type this, stores are just starting to open up from Covid-19. There already was a fight in a parking lot as well as and ice cream store having to close it’s doors one day after opening because the patrons harassed the workers.
Black Friday is only 2 weeks before the presidential election, so a lot of folks should be ready to fight at the drop of a (MAGA) hat. There is your political humor because it’s fair to make fun of both sides of politics.
There are plenty of documented cases of people fighting over sale items or the last widget in the electronics section in a normal year.
This is where this post goes to down the toilet. I have an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other.
The angel side says hire extra security and let them in based on their arrival number and only let them in a few at a time. This allows for social distancing and proper etiquette. It doesn’t address cutting in line and fights outside, but my evil side is already thinking ahead.
The devil on the other shoulder says put a couple of jumbo TVs and other desirable stuff for $25 (and not available online) and let everyone in at once. Then, sell the video on pay-per-view and see who the champion is. The depravity of humans is bound to show it’s ugly face and it would be a sellout. Watching the PPV would be better than the actual bargain. You’ll get some Darwin award winners in this scenario.
I know that reality is somewhere in between these two, but it’s not lost on me that it will be different this year. As I write down my thoughts, I’m wondering what store executives are planning given that a lot of stores make their profit numbers for the year in the last 2 months. They already are so deep in the red that even holiday sales may not save them.
Times are changing and so will Black Friday this year. I rarely buy pay-per-view on a real fight, but would consider this one.
Come back the last week in November and see if I’ve purchased the video of the fight, or if some clever marketing person has figured this out.
“It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all.” – Samuel Butler
OK, this is a play on words, but sometimes this is right. Everyone breaks up with the someone they thought was Mr/Mrs wonderful at first. Sometimes it is nasty and there are hard feelings. That is when this saying is true.
This is humor folks, try and remember that before you get offended.
Vous avez le cerveau d’un sandwich au fromage –you have the brain of a cheese sandwich
Tu as would be more of an insult and I’m sure the French can do much worse, but try it on someone as needed and you might feel better.
L’esprit de L’escalier – things you wish you could have said after you leave an argument.
That’s me. I win all my arguments, unfortunately many of them the day after they take place. My response is usually spectacular. I just wish I’d thought of it at the time.
When I first started liking Star Wars, I never realized how useful the dark side was going to be. See more of Vader here
in social distancing and here in the Circle Game.
I worked with the press for decades. The ones I worked with were nice people, but they had to write something that people will read, until now. Journalists are supposed to (try to) and learn about the subject they are covering. Now they write ridiculous stories and then write the opposite. They don’t even bother to fact check anymore. No one reads corrections so they don’t care, and it shows. I can’t even say this current lot are nice. If you see below, they aren’t well liked either.
Lately, they have been circling the wagons to cover one side of the political scene or the other together. They are exposing themselves to the public as to how little they know or how little they want to hide their bias. A bunch of them just want to jam on the president out of spite, but they are either self-owning or he is swatting them like flies, especially Jim Acosta.
Twitter/Twitchy caught on and now instead of lawyer jokes, it is journalist jokes. For the most part, this lot deserves what they are getting. They are now as useless to regular people as celebtards and sports stars trying to give their opinion on something other than their sport.
The hashtag is #JournalistJokes, go see for yourselves. Here is a list of some as a starter. Others are more creative than me.
“Three journalists walk into a building. You’d think one of them would’ve seen it.”
“What’s 5 miles long and has an IQ of 30?” “A JOURNALIST PARADE!”
“Three journalists walk into bar and say ‘ouch’ – then write stories about how the bar is racist and phobic.”
“How does a journalist change a light bulb? He holds while the whole world revolves around him.”
And Twitchy’s pick for the winner: “What are the best four years of a journalist’s life? Third grade.”
“Why are there only 2 pallbearers at a ‘journalist’s funeral?” “Garbage cans only have two handles.”
“How do you make a journalist’s eyes light up?” “Shine a flashlight in his ear.”
“What do you call 25 skydiving journalists?” “Skeet.”
“How do you get a one-armed journalist out of a tree?” “Wave to them.”
“What’s the difference between a smart journalist and Bigfoot?” “Bigfoot has been spotted.”
“Why can’t a ‘journalist’ dial 911?” “She can’t find the eleven.”
“What do you do if a journalist throws a grenade at you?” “Pick it up, pull the pin out, and throw it back.”
“What’s the different between God and a journalist?” “God doesn’t think he’s a journalist.”
Hat tip WND
I love Darth Vader meme’s. One of my favorites is in the Circle Game, but this one is just as good.
I’ve already written about how useless most meetings are here, so this is appropriate.
“Meetings are indispensable when you don’t want to do anything.” – John Kenneth Galbraith
Finally we have proof that proves no one cares what people think who pretend to be others for our entertainment or those who play games for gazillions. They are our distraction and don’t live paycheck to paycheck like the 60% of Americans who do.
Of course, Introverts will be uniting together, separately and alone. Hopefully the extroverts won’t try to butt in and want to small talk.
People who can’t distinguish between entomology and etymology bug me in ways I can’t put into words.
WordPress says this is my 600th post, but I know I lost the year 2007 when I switched from Blogger to WordPress because I avoid Google whenever possible. I likely passed it a while back, but they are gone forever now.
I post a lot about IQ, intelligence, Introverts, tech and a lot of subjects that would provide a platform to post something meaningful, deep in meaning , intelligent, well thought out and well written. As they say, the road to hell….
In that spirit, I give you a to do list that is sarcastic, funny to me and given the mood I’m in as I write this and very appropriate especially since my last name is Simonds (see number 8).
#3
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
“And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked.
She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
#4
I’ve sure gotten old!
I have outlived my feet and my teeth,
I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I’m half blind,
Can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver’s license.
#5
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, By the time I got my leotards on,The class was over.
#6
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
“Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed.
“Why Wal-Mart?”
“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”
#7
My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be..
Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
#8
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
#9
It’s scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker.
#10
These days about half the stuff
In my shopping cart says,
‘For fast relief.’
#11
THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.
The Assault Nail Gun Rifle is one of the most clicked on posts on this blog. In that spirit, I thought I’d add to the arsenal.
Art Linkletter said he loved to interview kids and older people the most. Kids always told the truth and older people just didn’t care anymore and would say what they thought. Here is the Kids version.
Not really a joke … just a tiny bit of math fun.
142857 is a cyclic number – its digits always appear in the same order but will rotate around when multiplied by any number from 1 to 6:
142857 x 1 = 142857
142857 x 2 = 285714
142857 x 3 = 428571
142857 x 4 = 571428
142857 x 5 = 714285
142857 x 6 = 857142Pretty cool, huh? Now multiply 142857 by 7. (Spoiler below.)
142857 x 7 = 999999
Even though I like to write about intellectual subjects, this one will have nothing to do with that.
Disclaimer: This game has been around for decades. It is not the somehow now bad OK sign that the evil PC police have condemned. When it was invented, no one cared about the OK sign. FWIW, the circle is upside down in this game. The PC SJW’s are dumbasses because a Reddit joke that trolled people by saying it was some supremacist sign. The woke fell for it immediately because they want to cancel any fun.
If you know or have played the game, you will get this whole post without reading it, but I’m posting for those who do not get it.
I searched this on the Interweb and it stated that this started in the 1980’s. Since I was in middle school way before this I’m calling BS and guessing that those before me have played it for 50 years.
So when I saw these examples, I knew what it was and it took me back to childhood, but I understood it without explanation.
The rules of the game are here:
Basically, you get someone to look at the circle below your waist against their will and you get to punch them.
It’s a game designed to be able to hit your friends and have them be ok with it.
The link provides other instructions like breaking the circle and not brushing it off, but they are just variations on being able to punch your friend.
We took it to all kinds of limits like drawing circles on the floor and other variations, but it’s simple.
I like all of these meme’s, but Darth Vader is my favorite. Readers like the volleyball girl the best if you look at how many times it’s been downloaded off this post.
I think the girl is giving a sign as to the play to make, but if not, it’s a really good Internet punch.
The Walmart guy is funny on many lev
els.
The black hole circle is a Universal punch.
The duck is just funny.
I found a new one that isn’t really meant to be in the circle game, but is.
Hat tip to What’s Up With That
Something to laugh at, especially if you are a many over 40 and go through this yearly. I choose women doctors because they have smaller hands and fingers and are more compassionate.
I’ll bet if you ask most people of a certain age, they are going to realize that this is true. I remember asking my father for life advice on his 75th birthday. He answered, “where did it all go so fast?” You’ll find that one below also.
Read and learn if you are young, commiserate if you agree.
#1 – I talk to myself because there are times I need expert advice.
#2 – I consider “In Style” to be the clothes that still fit.
#3 – I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
#4 – My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance for idiots that needs work.
#5 – The biggest lie I tell myself is, “I don’t need to write that down. I’ll remember it.”
#6 – I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.
#7 – These days, “on time” is when I get there.
#8 – Even duct tape can’t fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.
#9 – Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#10 – Lately, I’ve noticed people my age are so much older than me.
#11 – “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering why I’m there.
#12 – When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini-vacation.
#13 – Some days I have no idea what I’m doing out of bed.
#14 – I thought growing old would take longer.
#15 – Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn’t shut me up.
#16 – I still haven’t learned to act my age and doubt I’ll live that long.
Unfortunately, these are all sadly true!
Here is a little Friday humor, inspired by all the recent going’s on in the news about housing prices, immigration, pot, high taxes, overburdensome government regulation and the usual stuff you read about.
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can’t afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child’s 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can’t remember . . . is pot illegal?
6. You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can’t remember . . . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can’t remember . . . .is pot illegal?
14. It’s barely sprinkling rain and there’s a report on every news station: “STORM WATCH.”
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones.
16. Or it’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.
19 The Terminator was your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver’s license. If you’re here illegally, they want to give you one.
Hat tip to American Digest for this one.
I saw this on the Interweb. Those either quirky enough, with a certain strain of humor; or perhaps Chemistry, Geology or similar majors will get it.
I read a WSJ article on ineffective meetings. It is about the manifesto to end boring meetings.
This brought back thousands of hours of meetings I wished I could have back or would certainly decline to attend had I realized what I know now. Most of this post is tongue in cheek unlike the WSJ, but I’ll bet everyone wishes they weren’t in so many meetings.
First, let me start out with some quotes I found from The Quote Garden, starting with the one that reminded me most of the meetings I’ve attended:
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. ~Milton Berle
To kill time, a committee meeting is the perfect weapon. ~Author Unknown
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.” ~Dave Barry, “Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn”
Our age will be known as the age of committees. ~Ernest Benn
If Columbus had an advisory committee he would probably still be at the dock. ~Arthur Goldberg
A committee is an animal with four back legs. ~John le Carré, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods. ~H.L. Mencken
A “Normal” person is the sort of person that might be designed by a committee. You know, “Each person puts in a pretty color and it comes out gray.” ~Alan Sherman
A committee is a thing which takes a week to do what one good man can do in an hour. ~Elbert Hubbard
A camel looks like a horse that was planned by a committee. ~Author Unknown
A committee is a group of the unwilling chosen form the unfit, to do the unnecessary. ~Author Unknown
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. ~Author Unknown
Could Hamlet have been written by a committee, or the Mona Lisa painted by a club?… Creative ideas do not spring from groups. They spring from individuals. The divine spark leaps from the finger of God to the finger of Adam. ~Alfred Whitney Griswold
We always carry out by committee anything in which any one of us alone would be too reasonable to persist. ~Frank Moore Colby
I don’t believe a committee can write a book. It can, oh, govern a country, perhaps, but I don’t believe it can write a book. ~Arnold Toynbee
There is no monument dedicated to the memory of a committee. ~Lester J. Pourciau
Any committee that is the slightest use is composed of people who are too busy to want to sit on it for a second longer than they have to. ~Katharine Whitehorn
Meetings are indispensable when you don’t want to do anything. ~John Kenneth Galbraith
People who enjoy meetings should not be in charge of anything. ~Thomas Sowell
Usually, the meetings were a way to get other people to do your work for you, or to assign work to others they wouldn’t do or volunteer for were it not for the fact that they were at a meeting. The only time this didn’t work was when I actually needed to get a speaker for a press briefing for an interview with Time Magazine when print media was important. His manager, John Callies then VP of Netfinity or X series at IBM(x86 servers), wouldn’t let the speaker leave the staff meeting stating, “it’s only your job” as the reason. See how manage executive ego’s for more on this. I’d have never imagined having to cancel an interview with what was then an important publication due to an executives’ ego. I’ve seen bad manager moves in my time, but this was top 10 worst of the worst for me. He still ranks as the number one suit I’ve ever worked with. The below meme was how it felt to be in a meeting with him.
Execs have also had meetings in places that they wanted to visit (click on the link to see who it is), and most people knew that. That was a waste of travel time and money for a wasted meeting. There were other reasons they had meetings, but read the quotes at the beginning to find out why said were held.
Avoid training meetings, unless it was a way to be busy during a meeting you want to avoid. This is especially true of diversity training. It is a waste of time (same exact meeting every time every year for the required legal reason) but is more important than almost any other meeting, so it serves 2 purposes. No one will go against diversity training for fear of being politically or legally incorrect. It does allow you to miss another meeting and no one pays attention anyway. It’s an opportunity to get work done while the training is going on in the background. Your attendance is recorded so you are twice as effective as you complete your work, earn your mark for training and ignore the same speech you went through last year all at the same time.
MEETING RULES TO SURVIVE
The best way to deal with a meeting is to avoid it. If you can already have a meeting at a time that the scheduler proposes it or be busy and/or somehow away or out of the office. Teleconferencing kills that strategery unless you can be found traveling, but sometimes it’s unavoidable (see how to get out of a meeting below if you have to go). The people calling the meeting are really only people who want the meeting anyway.
For things to do to avoid meetings or how to goof around during a meeting, go to the link How to goof around at work.
HERE IS MY RULE WHEN TO DECIDE TO ATTEND IF I HAD A CHOICE: if there were more than 4 people, don’t go. Nothing will get done other than resulting in another meeting to have to attend. This is especially true if there are more than 1 executives, as each brings a team of competing players who guarantee the death of productivity.
The WSJ agrees with me, but goes on to say that if it has 17 people, there is no chance anything will get accomplished.
Don’t speak at a meeting if possible. It usually wastes time and extends the meeting length. There are only a couple of people who really have something to contribute, the rest want to hear themselves talk, show off their PowerPoint skills to bore you, or think they are more important if they speak. These show offs can be insufferable, but they offer time to check your email at best while pretending to listen.
This is in the department of redundancy department, but it is so important to note is to be careful when attending because the meeting leader’s purpose is to assign their work to others or get people to do work they wouldn’t do because they can’t decline in public (this is a corporate tradition). This further kills your ability to be productive at your real job. There are some who want to look important by accepting work magnanimously to show off, thinking they were climbing the ladder. Gladly accept their offer as most people have 10 hours of work for an 8 hour day anyway. Only accept it if it produces revenue or if you are the only one qualified to do it, but generally don’t, especially if you perceive it as a make work project.
Especially avoid planning meetings. A meeting to plan another meeting is one to be skipped unless you are the project manager and called the meeting, then you have to do it. Avoid these at all costs. Once nobody shows up, the meeting gets cancelled for email updates, which is a far better use of your time. As my grandfather said, they are as common as pig tracks and as useless as teats on a boar hog.
Avoid staff meetings. These are like planning meetings, but they occur regularly and when you miss one, nobody really cares (especially if there are more than 4 people). Only attend them occasionally as you work with these people everyday anyway, it’s not like you don’t know what is going on. Email your boss on a regular basis with your activity and you can plan something more productive during that time.
HOW TO GET OUT OF A MEETING
The tongue in cheek part really goes here. I’ll bet there are folks out there far more creative about this than me.
My favorite methods are to have a customer who needs you. They are your business and that overrides almost everything. Even your boss can’t deny this.
Pre-plan an emergency. I occasionally had another employee phone or knock on the door to call me out (email or text isn’t as good as that is not public enough) to get you out of a meeting. The trick is to never return. You’ll get the notes anyway, I promise. Since I worked with the press and analysts, I sometimes had a co-worker say that a reporter needed me right now. They were my customer and no one could say no. Many times there was no real emergency even if the press did call, it was the best and most efficient use of my time to leave the meeting so as to be actually working instead of being at a meeting. I usually dealt with the press immediately unless I had to do some digging to get back to them.
Attend meetings by phone if possible. You can always put the phone on mute and get your real work done, or surf the web or watch TV, which is usually just as productive. It’s easier to go to the bathroom, which brings me to…
Go to the bathroom. Offer to get a water to others when you go, then take as much time reading the sports page in the stall as you can. You are just as productive as listening to someone prattle on about their project.
Send your meeting information in by proxy. See above where someone is willing to talk. Give them your results or input so you don’t have to be there.
I realize that some meetings are necessary, so I understand that it’s the only way to get some things done. For the other majority of the time, see above.
The best meeting is a hall meeting. You run into the person you need help from and in 5 minutes, you’ve explained your need, what they can do and your time frame for doing it. Problem solved.
I also recommend having meetings with introverts and/or men. They don’t like to talk much (most of them) and want to get it over as quickly as you do. Attire requirements are less of a priority as is small talk.
Here is the net net, don’t go to a meeting if you don’t have to, get out early if at all possible and above all, don’t speak unless you have no option. Consider it a victory if you don’t attend, or a minor victory if you have to attend but don’t come out with anyone else’s work. You are a complete failure if you open your mouth and double your workload on something that is not tangential to your job or career. Enjoy your job more by having the time to actually be productive.
Hat tip to Curmudgeon, a blog that I like and follow
I like the Microsoft slant as humor.
A unique survey of the swearing habits of men and women over the past 20 years has revealed that not only is the English language constantly discovering new ways to be rude, but women are using the f-word more often than men.
According to the Times from this link, women (mostly British in this study, but listen to YouTube to realize the U.K. doesn’t have the patent on this) have potty mouths now worse than men, except for maybe James Governor. The study, conducted by researchers from Lancaster University and Cambridge University Press, also found that women were ten times more likely to say s–t than men.
But it wasn’t always this way. According to studies from the early 1990s, men used ‘f–k’ 1,000 times out of every million words they said; while women said it 167 times. They should get a better vocabulary I guess.
I’ll speculate that men have been told to watch their mouths and women think that it makes them empowered. In reality, unless you are very creative with your speech patterns, it’s not very linguistic to speak like this. It’s not like everyone hasn’t thought it or said it, but to legitimize it on this scale is disturbing. It also brings down a population segment.
I also find women with higher IQ’s use considerably less foul language than wannabee’s. Conversely, celebrities and entertainers seem to be trying to legitimize this type of speaking. It seems that the female politicians have taken to this trend also.
Maybe that’s why there is an attraction to intelligence?
You all should be ashamed of yourselves. 😉
I have heard most of these 89 sophisticated clichés that typically form the trick vocabulary of such people, almost always by management, whom I’ve indicated:
Note: these are also meeting (BS) bingo words when you are bored. Please let me know if anyone is ever in a meeting that can cross off all of these words.
One of my favorite sayings is: A meeting is a cul-de-sac where ideas are strangled and usually eliminated.
1. It’s a paradigm shift = I don’t know what’s going on in our business. But we’re not making as much money as we used to.
2. We’re data-driven = We try not to make decisions by the seat of our pants. When possible, we try to base them in facts -SC.
3. We need to wrap our heads around this = Gosh, I never thought of that. We need to discuss that….SC
4. It’s a win-win = Hey, we both get something out of this (even though I’m really trying to get the best from you)
5. ROI [used in any sentence] = Look at me, I’m very financially minded, even if I never took any finance classes in school
6. Let’s blue sky this/let’s ballpark this = Let’s shoot around a bunch of ideas since we have no clue what to do
7. I’m a bit of a visionary = I’m a bit of an egomaniac and narcissist EB
8. I’m a team player/we only hire team players = I hope everyone on the team thinks this is a meritocracy, even though I’m the dictator in charge EB
9. Let’s circle back to that/Let’s put that in the parking lot/let’s touch base on that later/let’s take this off-line = Shut up and let’s go back to what I was talking about
10. We think outside the box here/color outside the lines = We wouldn’t know about how to do something innovative if it came up to us and bit us in the behind
11. I/we/you don’t have the bandwidth = Since we cut 60% of our headcount, we’re all doing the job of 3 people, so we’re all burned out
12. This is where the rubber meets the road = Don’t screw up
13. Net net/the net of it is/when you net it out = I never studied finance or accounting but I sound like someone who can make money if I keep talking about another word for profit
14. We’ll go back and sharpen our pencils = We’ll go back and offer you the same for 20% less in hopes you’ll buy it before the end of the quarter – RA
15. It’s like the book “Crossing the Chasm”/”Blue Ocean”/”Good To Great” / “Tipping Point” / “Outliers” = I’ve never read any of these books but I sound literate if I quote from them. And, besides, you cretins probably never read them either to call me out on it
16. Let’s right-size it = Let’s whack/fire a bunch of people – RA
17. It’s next-gen/turn-key/plug-and-play = I want it to sound so technical that you’ll just buy it without asking me any questions
18. We need to manage the optics of this = How can we lie about this in a way people will believe?
19. This is creative destruction = I’ve never read Joseph Schumpeter but our core business is getting killed so it’s your responsibility to come up with a new product the market will buy
20. We don’t have enough boots on the ground = I don’t want to be fired for this disastrous product/country launch, so I’m going to sound tough referring to the military and say I don’t have enough resources
21. Deal with it = Tough cookies – SC
22. By way of housekeeping = This makes the boring stuff I’m about to say sound more official
23. That’s the $64,000 question [sometimes, due to inflation, people will denominate this cliché in millions or billions of dollars] = I don’t know either
24. Let’s square the circle = I’m someone who can unify two team members’ views and sound important
25. It’s our cash cow/protect/milk the cash cow = If that business goes south, we’re all out of a job
26. It’s about synergies/1 + 1 = 3 = I don’t get the math either, but it sounds like more and more is better, right?
27. Who’s going to step up to the plate? = One of you is going to do this and it’s not going to be me
28. We’re eating our own dog food = It sounds gross but we seem like honest folks if we do this.
29. We need to monetize/strategize/analyze/incentivize = When in doubt, stick “-ize” on the end of a word and say we’ve got to do this and 9 out of 10 times, it will sound action-oriented.
30. We did a Five Forces/SWOT analysis/Value Chain analysis = We didn’t really do any of that, but none of you probably even remember Michael Porter, so what the heck
31. It was a perfect storm = We really screwed up but we’re going to blame a bunch of factors that are out of our hands (especially weather)
32. At the end of the day…. = OK, enough talking back and forth, we’re going to do what I want to do – LS
33. Who’s got the ‘R’? [i.e., responsibility to do what we just spent 20 minutes talking about aimlessly] = If I ask the question, it won’t be assigned to me
34. Let’s put lipstick on this pig = plug your nose
35. I’m putting a stake in the ground here… = I’m a leader, simply because I’m using this cliché
36. We’re customer-focused/proactive/results-oriented = That can’t be bad, right? This is motherhood and apple pie stuff
37. Our visibility into the quarter is a little fuzzy = Sales just fell off a cliff
38. That’s not our core competency/we’re sticking to our knitting = We’re just glad we’re making money in one business, because we’d have no clue how to get into any other business
39. Well, we’re facing some headwinds there = You put your finger on the area we’re panicking over
40. It’s a one-off = Do whatever they want to close the sale
41. Incent it = That’s not a verb but I just made it into one because I’m a man/woman of action
42. I’m an agent of change = This makes it sound like I know how to handle the chaos that our business is constantly going through
43. We’ve got to do a little more due diligence there = Don’t have a clue but does that legal term make me sound detail-oriented?
44. Don’t leave money on the table = Be as greedy with them as possible
45. We take a “ready, fire, aim” approach here = We totally operate on a seat-of-the-pants basis
46. Hope is not a strategy = I don’t have a strategy, but this makes it sound like I’m above people who also don’t have a strategy – BO
47. We have to tear down the silos internally = Our organizational structure is such a mess that I’m going to be under-mined by other departments at every turn
48. I don’t think it will move the needle = This won’t get my boss excited
49. Good to put a face to the name = I’d really rather talk to that person behind you
50. Let’s take the 30,000 foot view… = I like to think I see the big picture
51. It’s the old 80-20 rule = I really have no idea what the rule was, but I just want to focus on the things that will make us successful
52. We need to manage expectations = Get ready to start sucking up to people – AL
53. It’s not actionable enough/what’s the deliverable? = You guys do the work on refining the idea. I’m too tired.
54. My 2 cents is… = This opinion is worth a heck of a lot more than 2 cents
55. I’m going to sound like a broken record here… = I want to clearly point out to you idiots that I’ve made this point several times before
56. We’ve got too many chiefs and not enough Indians = I want to be the Chief
57. Going forward = Don’t screw up like this again – AL
58. My people know I’ve got an open door policy = I’ve told my direct reports to come to me if they have a problem, so why should I feel bad if they complain I’m too busy to talk to them?
59. It’s gone viral = Someone sent a tweet about this
60. I know you’ve been burning the candle on both ends = Get ready to do some more
61. It’s scalable = We can sell a lot of it in theory
62. It’s best-of-breed = We hired a market research firm to say that – too many – SC
63. We’re all about value-add = Unlike our competitors who seek to add no value
64. What’s our go-to-market? = Has anyone planned this out, because I’ve been too busy? SC
65. I’m drinking from a fire hose right now = I want a little sympathy over here, because I’m tired of carrying this company on my back
66. We’re getting some push back = They’re not buying it JB
67. We need to do a level-set = I’ve never been inside a Home Depot, but this phrase makes me sound handy
68. It’s basic blocking and tackling = How could you screw this up? I also played high school football and those were the best days of my life.
69. Let’s put our game faces on = Get serious, guys
70. We’ve got it covered from soup to nuts = I have no idea what that means, but don’t you dare question my prep work on it
71. We don’t want to get thrown under the bus = So let’s throw someone else first – RGorman
72. But to close the loop on this… = Always the more theoretical Business Development/Strategy guys who say this, so they can sound thorough
73. What are “next steps”? = Did anyone take notes during the last 90 minutes of this meeting?
74. This is low-hanging fruit = Get this done quickly
75. We need a few quick wins = We’ve got to trick people into thinking we know what we’re doing by some successes we can point to and claim as ours DHP
76. It’s a [Insert Company Name] killer = Did I get your attention yet with the Freddy Kreuger imagery associated with the company who’s currently eating our lunch? SC
77. I want to address the elephant in the room = I know you think I’m trying to cover up/gloss over something, so I might as well talk about it
78. This is the next big thing/new thing = Some of our 20-somethings have told me this is really cool
79. This time it’s different because… = Don’t wait for the explanation… simply run for the hills.
80. What are the best practices on this? = How can I cover my behind that we’re just doing stuff the way other good people have supposedly done this?
81. This is our deliverable = I know this sounds like something that comes in a body bag, but it makes our PowerPoint sound tougher than it actually is
82. We’ll loop you in when we need to = You’re not that important to know about all the details on this
83. We want this to move up and to the right = I failed high school algebra but someone said this means we’ll be making a lot of money if this happens
84. We’re going through a re-org = No one knows what the heck is going on at the moment, we’re going to lay off a bunch of people.
85. We’ve got to increase our mind-share with the customer = I think I would have been happier as a doctor doing lobotomies than in marketing as a career path
86. I don’t think you’re comparing apples to apples = Let me tell you how you should really think about this issue = DHP
87. Let’s peel back the onion on this = I want to sound thorough so this is a better way of telling you that than simply clearing my throat
88. You phoned it in = I was too busy checking my email during your presentation that I didn’t listen _ JC
89. I want you to run with this = I just threw you into the deep end of the pool and you’re on your own to figure it out -JC
From time to time, from fraternity parties to listening in the car, most have thought about what the real words to this song are, for at least seconds or until something equally insignificant diverts our attention…….
“Louie Louie, me gotta go. Louie Louie, me gotta go. A fine little girl, she wait for me. Me catch the ship across the sea. I sailed the ship all alone. I never think I’ll make it home. Louie Louie, me gotta go . Three nights and days we sailed the sea. Me think of girl constantly. On the ship, I dream she there. I smell the rose in her hair. Louie Louie, me gotta go. Me see Jamaican moon above. It won’t be long me see me love. Me take her in my arms and then I tell her I never leave again. Louie Louie, me gotta go.” (By Richard Berry. Copyright 1957-1963 by Limax Music Inc.)
I included this in my diet as I laughed my a$$ off when reading it.
Got this from Curmudgeonly and Skeptical
“If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee — that will do them in.”
For the full list of 2000
uses, go here
I thought that you might like to know more about this well-known WD-40 product.
When you read the “shower door” part, try it. It’s the first thing that has cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It’s a miracle.
Then try it on your stovetop, it’s now shinier than it’s ever been.
The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and de-greaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a “Water Displacement” compound. They were successful with the Fortieth formulation, thus WD-40.
The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their Atlas missile parts. The workers were so pleased with the product they began smuggling (also known as “shrinkage” or “stealing”) it out to use at home. The executives decided there might be a consumer market for it and put it in aerosol cans. The rest is hist-ory. Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.
Here are a few of the 1000s of uses:
~Protects silver from tarnishing.
~Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
~Gets oil spots off concrete driveways.
~Gives floors that ‘just-waxed’ sheen without making ! them slippery.
~Keeps flies off cows.
~Restores and cleans chalkboards.
~Removes lipstick stains.
~Loosens stubborn zippers.
~Untangles jewelry chains.
~Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
~Removes dirt and grime from the bar-becue grill.
~Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing.
~Removes tomato stains from clothing.
~Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots.
~Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
~Keeps scissors wo! rking smoothly.
~Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes.
~Gives a children’s play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.
~Lubricates gear shift and mower-deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers.
~Rids rocking chairs and swing! s of squeaky noises.
~Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.
~Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
~Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards and vinyl bumpers.
~Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
~Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.
~Lubricates wheel sprockets on tri-cycles, wagons and bicycles for easy handling.
~Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
~Keeps rust from forming on saws an! d saw blades, and other tools.
~Removes splattered grease on stove.
~Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
~Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
~Keeps pigeons off the balcony. (they hate the smell)
~Removes all traces of duct tape.
~I have even heard of folks spraying it on their arms, hands, and knees to re-lieve arthritis pain.
~Florida’s favorite use was “cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers”.
~WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
~WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. It’s a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.
~Keeps chiggers away from the kids.
~Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately, and stops the itch.
~WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
~Also, if you’ve discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and re-wash. Lipstick is gone.
~If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start. (If I knew what a distributor cap was, it might help.)
~WD-40, long known for its ability to remove leftover tape smunges (sticky label tape), is also a lovely perfume and air freshener! Sprayed liberally on every hinge in the house, it leaves that dis-tinctive clean fresh scent for up to two days!
~Seriously though, it removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor. Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn’t seem to harm the finish, and you won’t have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off . Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
~Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly. WD-40 will remove them.
10 more just came out, some are similar:
Everybody knows WD-40 is the go-to product for silencing squeaks, displacing moisture, preventing rust, and loosening stuck parts. You probably have a can sitting in your garage right now. It has a ton of uses, but it’s no panacea. In fact, there are a some jobs that the lube will absolutely ruin.
Your house is the biggest gadget of all. A Gizmodo Home Mod shows you how to recharge it, clear its cache, and update its operating systems.
1. Lube a shovel. Spray WD-40 on a shovel, spading fork, hoe or garden trowel. The soil slides right off—especially helpful when digging in clay.
2. Clean tile. The spray removes spilled mascara, nail polish, paint and scuff marks from tile floors, and also help you wipe away grime from the grout lines. Clean up with soapy water.
3. Scrub stains from stainless steel sinks.
4. Unstick gum. A squirt makes it easier to pull gum out of carpet and even hair. It’s better than cutting out the gum and leaving patchy carpet or a bad haircut.
5. Soften leather. Oil can help break in a stiff leather tool belt.
6. Free stuck LEGOs. Your kids will thank you.
7. Erase crayon. When crayon ends up on toys, flooring, furniture, painted walls, wallpaper, windows, doors, and television screens. Spray on WD-40 and wipe it off.
8. Prevent flowerpots from sticking when stacked together.
9. Get rid of rust. Spray and rub away rust from circular saw and hacksaw blades. It can also clean blades of tar and other gunk.
10. Remove goo. Unstick gooey residue from price tags, duct tape, and stickers.
Delusions of Adequacy 