Category: humor

A New Low In Climate Scares – A Smaller Penis

This is about climate warnings via scaring people, not whether there is global warming or whatever.

The trick to get people to do something is the carrot or stick. This one is kind of both.

I’m used to being told that the statue of liberty will drown or Miami Beach is going under water and rarely pay attention. I think they are just after money and will say almost anything.

Its a new low though when they go to your unit, your family jewels, the python of passion…..uh, stop right there. I think you get what I’m talking about.

Now, your dick is getting shorter or something. Really? If you want me to buy into this, at least make it believable.

Get this……

Erin Brockovich
Thu 18 Mar 2021 21.23 AEDT

The chemicals to blame for our reproductive crisis are found everywhere and in everything

The end of humankind? It may be coming sooner than we think, thanks to hormone-disrupting chemicals that are decimating fertility at an alarming rate around the globe. A new book called Countdown, by Shanna Swan, an environmental and reproductive epidemiologist at Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai in New York, finds that sperm counts have dropped almost 60% since 1973. Following the trajectory we are on, Swan’s research suggests sperm counts could reach zero by 2045. Zero. Let that sink in. That would mean no babies. No reproduction. No more humans. Forgive me for asking: why isn’t the UN calling an emergency meeting on this right now?

The chemicals to blame for this crisis are found in everything from plastic containers and food wrapping, to waterproof clothes and fragrances in cleaning products, to soaps and shampoos, to electronics and carpeting. Some of them, called PFAS, are known as “forever chemicals”, because they don’t breakdown in the environment or the human body. They just accumulate and accumulate – doing more and more damage, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. Now, it seems, humanity is reaching a breaking point.

…Read more: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/mar/18/toxic-chemicals-health-humanity-erin-brokovich

Choose for yourself if you want to believe it. I’m going to protect my privates.

Proof That Nothing Is Possible, Also Where (not when) Nothing Is the Best Place for Guys

And Now for Guys, I present the Nothing Box. Girls, you should pay attention if you really want to understand men, even though you’ll never really get it.

Also Guys, understanding why women’s minds are so busy is also explained. It’s something we’ll never get.

What is so funny to me is that every time I try to explain it to a girl, she can’t understand it or wants to get into my nothing box. They never understand that if you got into my nothing box, it would be a different box (see at 8:15 where nothing is something). Watch and see:

When the Cancel Culture Goes Too Far and Why It Is Duplicitous

First of all, every Pepe Le Pew is the same cartoon. The cat gets into wet paint and looks like a female skunk so Pepe is attracted to her.

Let’s get to the real story here! At the end of each cartoon the role are reversed. The cat somehow gets into water or looks like a wreck and falls in love with Pepe. The rest of the show is the cat doing a #MeToo on Pepe.

It is the cat that should be cancelled, not Pepe. He was fine until she ruined his life, just like the snowflakes going after everything that hurts their feelings. Get a life and learn to enjoy the sarcasm of the show.

Bring back Pepe!

Why Have Passion?

This quote was supposed to be about grit, but the passion came in when it helps you keep going.

While Angela Duckworth separates passion and perseverance into two separate dynamics, Steven Kotler argues that passion is part of perseverance; it plays an essential role in determining how motivated you will be to keep going. “Passion doesn’t make us gritty,” he says, “Passion makes us able to tolerate all the negative emotions produced by grit.”

Anytime I wanted to get a real team together to get something done, passion was the trait i looked for in people I wanted to hire. Some have a passion just to get a job, not to do it well. You have to want to do it and want to do it well. Those are two different and distinct things.

Find your passion and you will do what you want to, probably well. That is except for golf. No one does well at golf all the time.

Because This Was Me In My Younger Years – Six Arrested for Changing Hollywood Sign to Read ‘Hollyboob’

Oh yes, by the time Animal House was made, I’d already done everything in the movie except the horse.

When I saw this headline, my younger devious self joined with my older Celebtard loathing self and the headline was too good for me to pass up. Here’s the story:

Six people have been arrested after the iconic “Hollywood” sign was altered to spell “HOLLYBOOB.”

The group draped large tarps to the sign to change the letters, according to Sgt. Leonard Calderon of the Los Angeles Police Department’s Hollywood Station.

The letter “B” was draped over the “W,” while a white dash was placed across the “D” in order to make it appear as a “B.”

The Los Angeles Times reports that five men and one woman were seen on video surveillance altering the sign around 1:15 p.m. When An LAPD helicopter arrived at the scene, officers could see the group make their way back down the steep terrain toward the famed Mulholland Drive, where they made the arrests.

The incident cannot be classified as vandalism “because the sign wasn’t damaged,” Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) Capt. Steve Lurie, the Hollywood area commander said, per the outlet. The six will be charged with misdemeanor trespassing and released, he said.

According to Deadline, one of the arrestees told an officer the prank seems to have been an effort to create more awareness for breast cancer.

However, MTV reality star Julia Rose who was among the six arrested told DailyMail she orchestrated the LA-based stunt in protest over censorship, after her Instagram account, with five million followers, was suspended this year for nudity.

The 27 year old, who founded the website Shagmag, shared a photo of herself in front of the altered sign on Twitter, while flipping off the camera and sticking her tongue out.

“This was to show them that I still have a voice,” she told DailyMail.com. “My business for Shagmag with almost one million followers also got disabled this year due to nudity, but I’m not doing anything more than what Playboy is doing so I think they’re discriminating against my accounts.”

Police presence will be increased for several days and possibly weeks because of the incident.

On Being Alone, Be A Rebel About It – Introvert Stuff

The older I get, the more I don’t want to do stuff with others. I like them, but my ability to want to hang with people grows shorter every day.

Just leave me alone. I promise I’ll leave you alone.

If I want to talk, I promise you’ll know. If I want to know something from you, I’ll ask.

I enjoy being alone more than with crowds. I’ve had a lifetime full of that and have never felt the need to be a part of one. That includes standing in lines for something (like Disney) or wanting to be accepted in someone’s social circle (that has stupid clique rules).

A year or so ago, I opted out of a neighborhood birthday party because I couldn’t go home early or take another car. I drove for 3.5 hours to a vacation home while they thought I was getting the house fixed. I knew it wasn’t going to happen that trip, but that’s how far I’ll go to not have to go to a social event where I know no one.

No one missed me and I didn’t have to go. I enjoyed my days off and we all were happy.

FWIW, my name is John, and I don’t give a fuck.

Work Phrases Explained

Activate:
To make carbons and add more names to the email.

Advanced Design:
Beyond the comprehension of the ad agency’s copywriters.

All New:
Parts not interchangeable with existing models.

Approved:
Needs revising

Automatic:
That which you cannot repair yourself.

Channels:
The trails left by interoffice emails.

Clarify:
To fill in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground.

Conference:
A place where conversation is substituted for the loneliness of thought and the dreariness of labor.

Consultant:
Someone who borrows your watch to tell you what time it is and then walks away with the watch.

Forwarded For Your Consideration:
You hold the bag for a while.

FYI:
Found yesterday, interested?

In Conference:
Nobody can find him/her.

Let’s Get Together On This:
I’m assuming you’re as confused as I.

Note & Initial:
I’m not taking the fall for this myself.

Policy:
We can hide behind this.

Please See Me:
Come down to my office. I’m lonely.

Top Priority:
It may be stupid but the boss wants it.

We Are Taking A Survey:
We need more time to think of an answer or we can’t find anyone willing to be responsible for this.

Will Advise In Due Course:
If we figure it out, we’ll let you know.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Get Older

#9  Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8  Life is sexually transmitted.

#7  Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6   Men have two motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can’t tell them apart.  If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.  Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4  Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3  All of us could take a lesson from the weather.  It pays no attention to criticism.

#2  In the 60’s, people took LSD to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal

#1  Life is like a jar of jalapeño peppers.  What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

And You Thought You Might Have Delusions of Grandeur?

“Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.” – Jane Wagner

It turns out that Jane was a comedy writer for Lily Tomlin. I sort of thought it was a joke but it had so much to do with the name of my blog, I’ve even put this statement in the sub-title.

I’ll stick with my title, it seems a better fit for most of the stuff that has been going on recently.

Because of…..Snowflakes, Saturday Double Entendre Humor, Or Not

It snowed last night…8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.

8:15 – So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 – My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 – The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 – The transgender man..women…person asked why I didn’t just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 – The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 – I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 – The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up.

8:40 – The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 – The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 – The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 – TV news crew from CNN showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied “Snowballs” and am now called a sexist.

9:00 – I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 – I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 – Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested. By noon it all melted

Moral:There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.”

Friday Stupid Saying – About The Incompetent

“The incompetent with nothing to do can still make a mess of it.” – Lawrence J. Peter

I know this is not all that witty but bear with me. The reason it is there other than it is true is that in all of my posts, I have one entitled Euphamisms for Stupid, which has been in the top 5 for Google since 2006 worldwide. It is pages and pages of these. Go get one and use it at a meeting today:

Like a pair of children’s scissors, bright and colorful, but not too sharp
Million dollar body and a 2 dollar engine.
Mind is in neutral, body is in gear
Mind like a rubber bear trap.
Needing a few screws tightened
Not firing with all spark plugs
Not the brightest light in the harbor
Not the brightest light on the Christmas tree
Not the sharpest hook in the tackle box.
Not the sharpest pencil in the box
Off his rocker
On/off switch is broken in the off position
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl
One neuron short of a synapse
One taco short of a combination plate
One turbine short of an airplane
One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests
Prime candidate for natural deselection
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
Requires directions to lay sod
Room temperature IQ
Running about a quart low
Running on empty
Sets the lowest possible goals, and consistently fails to achieve them.
Sharp as a bowling ball.
She is so dumb, she couldn’t tell which way an elevator was going if she
had two guesses.

I wish I had written something of extreme intelligence that changed the course of history, but it looks like laughing at ways to say someone ain’t that bright is what it is for now.

Note: to the SJW, this post as with most of mine is made in jest. Try to have fun and not ruin the day for others.

Monday Election Saying

“The best minds are not in government. If any were, business would hire them away.” – Ronald Reagan

I saved this gem as election day is tomorrow. For the most part, it’s 90% true. The only difference in this election is that one of the candidates was stolen from the business world.

Friday Saying – John Glenn On Birthdays

There is still no cure for the common birthday.

I’m cursed with sharing a birthday with Madonna.  If you’ve read any of my recent posts my loathing for celebrities is evident.

Elvis died on my birthday.  While the world was sorry for the loss, it saves me from the blight of the above.

Everyone shares a birthday with a lot of people.  I wonder who has the best share??

Sunday Humor – WIZZ Air Affected By Covid….Wizz Air, Did Anyone Think About That Name?

Here is the story about how Covid/Corona/China/Wuhan/whatever virus has affected the airline.

BUDAPEST (Reuters) – Wizz Air <WIZZ.L> will sharply reduce weekly flights to and from Hungary from Sept. 7, the airline said, after the government announced it would ban the entry of foreigners to try to rein in the coronavirus outbreak.

It’s not the actual story, but I read WHIZ Air.  That’s right, piss air, pee pee airline, piss flights, the jokes write themselves.

I don’t know who thought about that name, but a little research on the Internet might have been helpful first.  Seriously, it’s not like someone in the country had English as a second language.

Thursday Saying – How To Confuse People In A Sentence

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Casey Stengel

 

There’s not much I can say to this other than it’s genius, or a better Yogi Berra-ism than Yogi could have said.

The next time I want to stop the talking or confuse others, I’m using this one.

How To Piss People Off

I laughed at this, especially the staple and the beeping.

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”
Specify that your drive-through order is “TO-GO.”
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.”
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
Staple pages in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
“DO YOU HEAR THAT?”
“What?”
“Never mind, it’s gone now.”
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “No, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
Ask people what gender they are.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”