Tag: humor

Work Phrases Explained

Activate:
To make carbons and add more names to the email.

Advanced Design:
Beyond the comprehension of the ad agency’s copywriters.

All New:
Parts not interchangeable with existing models.

Approved:
Needs revising

Automatic:
That which you cannot repair yourself.

Channels:
The trails left by interoffice emails.

Clarify:
To fill in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground.

Conference:
A place where conversation is substituted for the loneliness of thought and the dreariness of labor.

Consultant:
Someone who borrows your watch to tell you what time it is and then walks away with the watch.

Forwarded For Your Consideration:
You hold the bag for a while.

FYI:
Found yesterday, interested?

In Conference:
Nobody can find him/her.

Let’s Get Together On This:
I’m assuming you’re as confused as I.

Note & Initial:
I’m not taking the fall for this myself.

Policy:
We can hide behind this.

Please See Me:
Come down to my office. I’m lonely.

Top Priority:
It may be stupid but the boss wants it.

We Are Taking A Survey:
We need more time to think of an answer or we can’t find anyone willing to be responsible for this.

Will Advise In Due Course:
If we figure it out, we’ll let you know.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Get Older

#9  Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8  Life is sexually transmitted.

#7  Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6   Men have two motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can’t tell them apart.  If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.  Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4  Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3  All of us could take a lesson from the weather.  It pays no attention to criticism.

#2  In the 60’s, people took LSD to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal

#1  Life is like a jar of jalapeño peppers.  What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

And You Thought You Might Have Delusions of Grandeur?

“Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.” – Jane Wagner

It turns out that Jane was a comedy writer for Lily Tomlin. I sort of thought it was a joke but it had so much to do with the name of my blog, I’ve even put this statement in the sub-title.

I’ll stick with my title, it seems a better fit for most of the stuff that has been going on recently.

Because of…..Snowflakes, Saturday Double Entendre Humor, Or Not

It snowed last night…8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.

8:15 – So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 – My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 – The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 – The transgender man..women…person asked why I didn’t just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 – The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 – I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 – The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up.

8:40 – The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 – The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 – The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 – TV news crew from CNN showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied “Snowballs” and am now called a sexist.

9:00 – I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 – I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 – Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested. By noon it all melted

Moral:There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.”

Sunday Humor – WIZZ Air Affected By Covid….Wizz Air, Did Anyone Think About That Name?

Here is the story about how Covid/Corona/China/Wuhan/whatever virus has affected the airline.

BUDAPEST (Reuters) – Wizz Air <WIZZ.L> will sharply reduce weekly flights to and from Hungary from Sept. 7, the airline said, after the government announced it would ban the entry of foreigners to try to rein in the coronavirus outbreak.

It’s not the actual story, but I read WHIZ Air.  That’s right, piss air, pee pee airline, piss flights, the jokes write themselves.

I don’t know who thought about that name, but a little research on the Internet might have been helpful first.  Seriously, it’s not like someone in the country had English as a second language.

Thursday Saying – How To Confuse People In A Sentence

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Casey Stengel

 

There’s not much I can say to this other than it’s genius, or a better Yogi Berra-ism than Yogi could have said.

The next time I want to stop the talking or confuse others, I’m using this one.

How To Piss People Off

I laughed at this, especially the staple and the beeping.

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”
Specify that your drive-through order is “TO-GO.”
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.”
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
Staple pages in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
“DO YOU HEAR THAT?”
“What?”
“Never mind, it’s gone now.”
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “No, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
Ask people what gender they are.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”

Saturday Humor – Fixing The Name of The Washington NFL Team

Read the title, this is humor and tongue in cheek at that.  Don’t take it any other way.  I don’t care if they re-name the team the Washington Team, but that doesn’t preclude me from making fun of the situation because someone sent me this and I think it is a clever play on words.

The world has bigger problems than this so try and have a laugh, then move along.

Humor Sayings – How To Count By That Famous Actor

“Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.”

Mickey Mouse

I’m going to leave any sense of my usual pontificating based on wisdom here.  They of course couldn’t say it on TV, but the old locker room joke is that guys can count to 21, do the math.

I haven’t looked at his picture recently, but I don’t think Mickey had 5 fingers on his hand either.

Great Sayings – What The Heck is Aristotle Really Saying?

“In the case of all things which have several parts and in which the totality is not, as it were, a mere heap, but the whole is something besides the parts, there is a cause; for even in bodies contact is the cause of unity in some cases, and in others viscosity or some other such quality.”

I got this from Mark Manson.  The original quote we think we know goes like this; the sum of the parts is greater than the whole.  Mark points out that almost nothing Aristotle says is all that understandable so I thought I’d give an example above.

Usually I have something pithy today, but I thought I’d throw in an example of something we think we know and really don’t, along with how little we pay attention to history.

Sayings That Sound Dirty But Aren’t

TOP TEN LEGAL SAYINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT AREN’T

Have you looked through her briefs?

He is one hard judge!

Counselor, let’s do it in chambers.

Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

Is it a penal offense?

Better leave the handcuffs on.

For $200 an hour, she better be good!

Can you get him to drop his suit?

The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

Think you can get me off?

***************

TOP TEN GOLF SAYINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT AREN’T

Damn, my shaft is bent.

After 18 holes, I can barely walk.

You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

Look at the size of his putter.

Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

Mind if I join your threesome?

Stand with your back turned and drop it.

My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.

Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

And of course the list wouldn’t be complete without this……

Hold on, I need to wash my balls first.

 

Mask Follies – When Covid Kids Go Back To School (Humor)

Local school board is deciding whether or not to make kids wear masks at school. Here is what will happen.

Here’s how I think requiring masks might work in elementary.

Please don’t snap Billy’s mask in his face.

Your mask is not a necklace, bracelet, or any other form of jewelry.

You should not be using your mask as a slingshot. Please put it back on your face.

Please do not chew on your mask.

Your mask should be on your face, not on the back of your head

I’m sorry your mask is wet, but that’s what happens when you lick the inside of it.

I’m sorry you sneezed. Here’s a tissue. Wipe out the snot as well as you can.

No, you may not blow your nose in your mask.

Why is your mask soaking wet? You just came back from the bathroom?

And you put it back on your face after you dropped it?

I’m sorry you broke the elastic on your mask by seeing how far the band would stretch. Now you’ll have to hold the mask on your face … or use this duct tape.

Please take the mask off your eyes and watch where you’re walking. I don’t care if you have X-ray vision.

Please take the mask off of your pencil and stop twirling it.

I know the mask fits over your pants like a knee pad, but please take it off of your leg and put it on your face.

What do you mean you tried to eat your lunch through your mask?

Please don’t share your mask or trade masks. I don’t care if you like Ingrid’s mask better than yours.

I’m sorry, but your mask is not school appropriate.

We’re not comparing our masks to other kids’ masks… everyone’s mask is unique and special.

No, you may not decorate your mask instead of doing your work. I don’t care if you have a Sharpie.

You’re not a pirate, please take your mask off your eye.

Try to get the gum off as much as you can.

Please don’t use your mask to pick your nose.

I’m sorry you tripped, but that’s what happens when you put your feet inside the elastic of your mask.

No, your mask doesn’t make it hard to get your work done.

Your Mom will need to get you a new mask since you chewed a hole in that one.

Why is there a shoe print on your mask?

No, you cannot eat the snow through your mask.

I don’t care if you were in art class and being creative; we do not decorate our masks.

We do not beam other kids in the face with balls. No, their masks don’t make it not hurt.

Please don’t plug your nose holes with your mask.

Who’s making that noise?

I’m sorry your ponytail is stuck, that’s what happens when you see how many times you can wrap it around your mask.

I’m sorry to tell you, but your child thought her mask made her a superhero. She tried to fly off the jungle gym at recess …

I’m sorry your breath stinks in your mask, maybe we should all try to brush better.

Please take those cookies out of your mask. No, you are not a chipmunk.

Sayings – Men vs. Women (Me being provocative)

Men are by nature merely indifferent to one another; but women are by nature enemies.

-Arthur Schopenhauer
This post is to see if anyone is really paying attention.  Yes, I’m being provocative on purpose. This is someone else’s quote, but I can be sarcastic and this proves it.
I have no real idea what goes on in the mind of females, nor does anyone really.  I’ve posted other stuff on men vs. women like how they complement and trash each other.
The things I’ve noticed are what everyone else already knows like girls getting along fine until you throw a man that both girls like  into the mix, then watch the sparks fly as they fight over the guy.
I’ve been told by girls that they can notice something wrong with another female they don’t like and when asked how do they look, they say you look perfectly beautiful.
Guys don’t give a shit.  Here’s an example.  Two guys are wearing the exact same thing at an event and IF by chance they notice they’ll just say great minds think alike or you have good taste.
So we’ll see if you are paying attention and if anybody gets pissed off.

Journalist Jokes, Because well….They Are Journalists

I worked with the press for decades.  The ones I worked with were nice people, but they had to write something that people will read, until now.  Journalists are supposed to (try to) and learn about the subject they are covering. Now they write ridiculous stories and then write the opposite.  They don’t even bother to fact check anymore.  No one reads corrections so they don’t care, and it shows.  I can’t even say this current lot are nice.  If you see below, they aren’t well liked either.

Lately, they have been circling the wagons to cover one side of the political scene or the other together.  They are exposing themselves to the public as to how little they know or how little they want to hide their bias.  A bunch of them just want to jam on the president out of spite, but they are either self-owning or he is swatting them like flies, especially Jim Acosta.

Twitter/Twitchy caught on and now instead of lawyer jokes, it is journalist jokes.  For the most part, this lot deserves what they are getting.  They are now as useless to regular people as celebtards and sports stars trying to give their opinion on something other than their sport.

The hashtag is #JournalistJokes, go see for yourselves.  Here is a list of some as a starter.  Others are more creative than me.

“Three journalists walk into a building. You’d think one of them would’ve seen it.”
“What’s 5 miles long and has an IQ of 30?” “A JOURNALIST PARADE!”
“Three journalists walk into bar and say ‘ouch’ – then write stories about how the bar is racist and phobic.”
“How does a journalist change a light bulb? He holds while the whole world revolves around him.”
And Twitchy’s pick for the winner: “What are the best four years of a journalist’s life? Third grade.”
“Why are there only 2 pallbearers at a ‘journalist’s funeral?” “Garbage cans only have two handles.”
“How do you make a journalist’s eyes light up?” “Shine a flashlight in his ear.”
“What do you call 25 skydiving journalists?” “Skeet.”
“How do you get a one-armed journalist out of a tree?” “Wave to them.”
“What’s the difference between a smart journalist and Bigfoot?” “Bigfoot has been spotted.”
“Why can’t a ‘journalist’ dial 911?” “She can’t find the eleven.”
“What do you do if a journalist throws a grenade at you?” “Pick it up, pull the pin out, and throw it back.”
“What’s the different between God and a journalist?” “God doesn’t think he’s a journalist.”

 

Hat tip WND

In Honor of My 600th Post, Here Is My To Do List

WordPress says this is my 600th post, but I know I lost the year 2007 when I switched from Blogger to WordPress because I avoid Google whenever possible.  I likely passed it a while back, but they are gone forever now.

I post a lot about IQ, intelligence, Introverts, tech and a lot of subjects that would provide a platform to post something meaningful, deep in meaning , intelligent, well thought out and well written.  As they say, the road to hell….

In that spirit, I give you a to do list that is sarcastic, funny to me and given the mood I’m in as I write this and very appropriate especially since my last name is Simonds (see number 8).

Humor On Getting Old

#1  I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
He turned to me and asked, “Are you having it catered?”
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of “OLD”.#2
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
“How old was your husband?”
“98,” she replied: “Two years older than me”
“So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented.
She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”

#3
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
“And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked.
She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

#4
I’ve sure gotten old!
I have outlived my feet and my teeth,
I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I’m half blind,
Can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.  Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver’s license.

#5
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, By the time I got my leotards on,The class was over.

#6
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
“Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed.
“Why Wal-Mart?”
“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”

#7
My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be..
Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

#8
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

#9
It’s scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker.

#10
These days about half the stuff
In my shopping cart says,
‘For fast relief.’

#11
THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.

Cyclic Numbers, Interesting Math Fun

Not really a joke … just a tiny bit of math fun.

142857 is a cyclic number – its digits always appear in the same order but will rotate around when multiplied by any number from 1 to 6:

142857 x 1 = 142857
142857 x 2 = 285714
142857 x 3 = 428571
142857 x 4 = 571428
142857 x 5 = 714285
142857 x 6 = 857142

Pretty cool, huh? Now multiply 142857 by 7. (Spoiler below.)

142857 x 7 = 999999