Tag: humor

Ah, Men vs. Women, Here We Go Again – Humor Between the Sexes

I’ve posted a lot of stuff poking fun at both. Once, when partially serious I posted how and why we are different here.

When less serious about it, I posted how we see things differently, on how men and women see colors differently.

And now for today’s humor.

I Need One Of These For Traffic Or Protestors

Owning one of these is the only time I’d want to live in Oregon, Washington (either one), California or New York. Let’s not forget that the same people have invaded Florida.

Actually, I should be banned from having one. I’d be in jail within minutes of buying it.

Star Trek, Life Imitates Art

It would be iconic to call him that over a 2 way radio. The jokes write themselves sometimes don’t they.

I’ve met William Shatner. He was an ok guy. I’m sure meeting people like me over and over is tedious, but he was good about it.

He still is my favorite Captain and there would be no Picard, Janeway, Sisko or others without the real Kirk.

Here we are, in Vegas of course.

Most shocking to me is that I was taller. I’m also a 3rd degree blackbelt so I could kick his ass no matter how many Romulans he’s killed.

This Is Me If I Were A Doctor

Oh, I’d write a lot of other stuff too. Imagine if an ex came in or a celebtard whining about their $20 million Disney contract? No telling what I’d write, but it would be good.

I know doctors pride themselves on straight lines when operating. They told me.

Just like the anti-matter a few posts below, there are some things I should be banned from doing. This would be close to the top of the list.

And You Think Your Job Sucks and No, I Couldn’t Keep a Straight Face

Not a chance I wouldn’t play with these and laugh my ass off. I’d also be reported to HR within minutes for some inappropriate joke. It would be worth it.

I wonder if these ladies take work home with them?

I Love Student’s Creative Answers In Biology Class and Boobs

I posted Hell explained by an engineering student that was so creative the teacher gave him a top score. I still laugh at that one (right Teresa?)?

Now, there is this one on Mother’s milk. It’s almost as creative and funny as the engineer.

The teacher has a sense of humor. I have no idea what number 7 really is, but the answer is good enough for me. I thought he was going to mention play toys at first.

Why Storm Troopers Can’t Shoot Strait Or Hit Anything – Men’s Edition

If you bother watching them in the movies, the are just target practice for the Rebels. These guys can’t hit a wall in front of them.

You kill one when you shoot a Storm Trooper, yet it’s ever only a wound when they shoot someone. Maybe they had vasectomies?

Anyway, this is me in the morning a lot of days. I think I’ve bulls eyed the bowl and I’ve pissed on who knows what.

What Is Amazon Prime Day Really Like?

I know they have free shipping, but there is always something else you want, not need and they put it in your face.

I’ve bought zilch this year. I realized that Amazon is discounting a lot of stuff to put their version of the products in your house.

Really, I don’t need more stuff and the deals aren’t that great anymore. There is also 2 million deals to sort through, most of which you could get for the same price by waiting and watching.

Covid Does NOT Change The Men’s Rules For Urinals.

This is so wrong above. The rules are if there is more than two urinals, the second guy goes to the furthest one. You always look straight ahead, but if you have to, you can only look the other guy in the eye.

https://i.ytimg.com/vi/DTySK0u2Ws4/maxresdefault.jpg

The second picture is how it is done. It just is.

It Was Probably Me Who Did This

I’ve put socks in men’s pants (on a mannequin to make them look more manly.

Sock’s also look like #2 if they are brown. I’ve turned clothes around on displays and helped the hands move to places not unlike the picture.

I even waited around for the crowd approval as they walked by, not bothered by store security as they laughed.

Sometimes maturity is over-rated for laughs

A New Low In Climate Scares – A Smaller Penis

This is about climate warnings via scaring people, not whether there is global warming or whatever.

The trick to get people to do something is the carrot or stick. This one is kind of both.

I’m used to being told that the statue of liberty will drown or Miami Beach is going under water and rarely pay attention. I think they are just after money and will say almost anything.

Its a new low though when they go to your unit, your family jewels, the python of passion…..uh, stop right there. I think you get what I’m talking about.

Now, your dick is getting shorter or something. Really? If you want me to buy into this, at least make it believable.

Get this……

Erin Brockovich
Thu 18 Mar 2021 21.23 AEDT

The chemicals to blame for our reproductive crisis are found everywhere and in everything

The end of humankind? It may be coming sooner than we think, thanks to hormone-disrupting chemicals that are decimating fertility at an alarming rate around the globe. A new book called Countdown, by Shanna Swan, an environmental and reproductive epidemiologist at Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai in New York, finds that sperm counts have dropped almost 60% since 1973. Following the trajectory we are on, Swan’s research suggests sperm counts could reach zero by 2045. Zero. Let that sink in. That would mean no babies. No reproduction. No more humans. Forgive me for asking: why isn’t the UN calling an emergency meeting on this right now?

The chemicals to blame for this crisis are found in everything from plastic containers and food wrapping, to waterproof clothes and fragrances in cleaning products, to soaps and shampoos, to electronics and carpeting. Some of them, called PFAS, are known as “forever chemicals”, because they don’t breakdown in the environment or the human body. They just accumulate and accumulate – doing more and more damage, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. Now, it seems, humanity is reaching a breaking point.

…Read more: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/mar/18/toxic-chemicals-health-humanity-erin-brokovich

Choose for yourself if you want to believe it. I’m going to protect my privates.

Work Phrases Explained

Activate:
To make carbons and add more names to the email.

Advanced Design:
Beyond the comprehension of the ad agency’s copywriters.

All New:
Parts not interchangeable with existing models.

Approved:
Needs revising

Automatic:
That which you cannot repair yourself.

Channels:
The trails left by interoffice emails.

Clarify:
To fill in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground.

Conference:
A place where conversation is substituted for the loneliness of thought and the dreariness of labor.

Consultant:
Someone who borrows your watch to tell you what time it is and then walks away with the watch.

Forwarded For Your Consideration:
You hold the bag for a while.

FYI:
Found yesterday, interested?

In Conference:
Nobody can find him/her.

Let’s Get Together On This:
I’m assuming you’re as confused as I.

Note & Initial:
I’m not taking the fall for this myself.

Policy:
We can hide behind this.

Please See Me:
Come down to my office. I’m lonely.

Top Priority:
It may be stupid but the boss wants it.

We Are Taking A Survey:
We need more time to think of an answer or we can’t find anyone willing to be responsible for this.

Will Advise In Due Course:
If we figure it out, we’ll let you know.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Get Older

#9  Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8  Life is sexually transmitted.

#7  Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6   Men have two motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can’t tell them apart.  If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.  Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4  Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3  All of us could take a lesson from the weather.  It pays no attention to criticism.

#2  In the 60’s, people took LSD to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal

#1  Life is like a jar of jalapeño peppers.  What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

And You Thought You Might Have Delusions of Grandeur?

“Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.” – Jane Wagner

It turns out that Jane was a comedy writer for Lily Tomlin. I sort of thought it was a joke but it had so much to do with the name of my blog, I’ve even put this statement in the sub-title.

I’ll stick with my title, it seems a better fit for most of the stuff that has been going on recently.

Because of…..Snowflakes, Saturday Double Entendre Humor, Or Not

It snowed last night…8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.

8:15 – So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 – My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 – The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 – The transgender man..women…person asked why I didn’t just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 – The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 – I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 – The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up.

8:40 – The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 – The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 – The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 – TV news crew from CNN showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied “Snowballs” and am now called a sexist.

9:00 – I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 – I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 – Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested. By noon it all melted

Moral:There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.”