Category: humor

Harvard scholars: Marriage makes women happier and healthier – Yes, but it makes their husbands way more miserable

First of all, it is a study from Harvard, the most overrated study hall in the country. Since it only talks about the girls, it’s only half of the story, so I’ll fill in the details.

There is no making girls happy. If they are, it won’t last long and the next crisis has already left the train station and is arriving soon. That means the husbands are taking the toll on this one. Men don’t have a chance unless you totally don’t give a shit when she’s mad (This guys is the key to marriage)

Here is an excerpt and a link below, but I discount everything Harvard says as their woke policies have bred mediocrity.

Married women ‘had lower risk of cardiovascular disease, less depression and loneliness, were happier and more optimistic, and had a greater sense of purpose and hope’

Marriage positively affects women’s mental and physical health, which can lead to long-term health benefits, according to a recent study published in the journal Global Epidemiology.

Led by a team of Harvard researchers, the study examined over 11,830 American female nurses who took different marital pathways and assessed how their lives turned out over a 25-year span.

It found that those who got married “had lower mortality, lower risks of cardiovascular diseases, greater psychological wellbeing and less psychological distress,” the study’s summary states.

Moreover, researchers found that those who got divorced or separated had “greater psychosocial distress, and possibly greater risks of mortality, cardiovascular diseases, and smoking.”

Ying Chen, a research associate with the Human Flourishing Program at the Harvard Institute for Quantitative Social Science, told The College Fix in an email this week that “Marriage remains an important source of social support for many people.”

“Our results are consistent with the existing literature suggesting that, on average, [marriage] contributes to better health and wellbeing,” Chen said.

I bet the husband’s cardiovascular health went down the toilet because there is no report on that from Harvard.

I’m guessing the men are now drinking a whole lot more.

Don’t forget the joke about why Jewish men die early, they want to.

link

Quotes From Job Performance Evaluations – My Blog Name Gets Dissed

I named it Delusions of Adequacy on purpose. It is parts snark, sarcasm and self deprecation, all on purpose. It’s funny when I see it in other places, like this list of comments from performance reviews.

Some asshole somewhere thought this would be a good idea to write how they did. Employees work and extra job to influence them for their managers. I always knew when I would get the best review. I also knew when I would be relegated to the mid-pack.

I also knew from having to write them and receive them that they were BS. The salary was already decided prior to the review.

Enjoy.

1000 Scientists Declare Vegan’s Getting It Wrong About Their Diet And Is Zealotry

I don’t care (too much) about what other people are doing, even if I think it is strange until they want to force it on others (Bud Light just learned about that). You can never go anywhere without them telling you they are Vegan (or vegetarian). Like an ex of mine who won’t go away, I have to hear about how self righteous they are for eating plants. Once I got told she was a vegan, I knew she was full on crazy.

Update since original post: Scientists warn against Vegan anti-meat.

I’ve always believed we are omnivores, but can chose the ratio of meat/veggies based on personal choice.

Since they want to appear morally superior, I never miss the chance to bring facts and science into their discussion, which I will now. I wish it weren’t from Harvard, but it’s what we have right now.

Story

Nearly 1,000 scientists from around the globe have signed a declaration encouraging the consumption of meat, slamming movements to push plant-based diets as “zealotry.”

Researchers responsible for nine new studies in the Animal Frontiers journal made a joint declaration that red meat consumption is not only safe but necessary for the nutritional health of many populations around the world.

“Livestock-derived foods provide a variety of essential nutrients and other health-promoting compounds, many of which are lacking in diets globally, even among those populations with higher incomes,” according to The Dublin Declaration. “Well-resourced individuals may be able to achieve adequate diets while heavily restricting meat, dairy and eggs. However, this approach should not be recommended for general populations, particularly not those with elevated needs, such as young children and adolescents, pregnant and lactating women, women of reproductive age, older adults, and the chronically ill.”

A November 2022 Harvard study proclaiming the benefits of plant-based diets claimed diets based on “red and processed meat had the highest environmental impact out of all food groups in participants’ diets, producing the greatest share of greenhouse gas emissions and requiring the most irrigation water, cropland, and fertilizer.”

Researchers behind The Dublin Declaration refuted this argument, saying “farmed and herded animals are irreplaceable” in keeping up a “circular flow of materials in agriculture.” Livestock are not only able to convert large amounts of inedible biomass back into the natural cycle, they also do it while simultaneously producing high-quality food fit for consumption, according to the article.

“Livestock is the millennial-long-proven method to create healthy nutrition and secure livelihoods, a wisdom deeply embedded in cultural values everywhere. Sustainable livestock will also provide solutions for the additional challenge of today, to stay within the safe operating zone of planet Earth’s boundaries, the only Earth we have,” The Dublin Declaration concludes.

Animal-based diets, or livestock systems, are “too precious,” the Declaration argues, “to become the victim of simplification, reductionism or zealotry.”

Back to me.

Besides being annoying, let’s see if anyone cares about their diet choices.

Be healthy and eat some meat, and stop ruining other people’s life at the dinner table.

Nope, no one cares other than wishing they’d stfu about it and let us enjoy steak and bacon.

May The Fourth Be With…Well, Not Everyone

I think they can’t see or there is some defect in the clones. Storm Troopers went from deadly, murderous villains doing the work of the evil Lord Vader, to the 3 stooges who couldn’t hit Han Solo or Luke in a hallway a few feet wide in the prison cell.

It went downhill from there.

Paradoxical Stuff That Happens To Everyone

This happens to me like everyone else. When in school, I used to get a whole pack of these and I never once remember making it to the end.

Just try and find a pen when you have to take a message on the phone and almost 100% of the time it won’t write.

Murphy’s Mother’s Laws

Another long lost post.

Murphy’s mothers laws

  • Mothers only offer advice on two occasions: when you want it and when you don’t..
  • A mother’s love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper.
  • Your mother is the only person that knows more about you than you know about yourself.
  • Any time you are unable to solve a problem, ask your mother. She probably won’t know either, but she will fake it.
  • Maternal instinct is stronger than any force known except an IRS collection agent.
  • The more you try to stay on your mother’s good side the harder it will be to figure out which side this is.
  • The nicer a mother is, the greater the probability that her kids are rotten.
  • If you can’t remember whether or not you called your mother, you didn’t.
  • The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you.
  • If you forget, mom will remind you of all your mistakes so you don’t repeat them.
  • Anything you do can be criticized by your mother – even doing nothing.
  • Never criticize your mother’s cooking if you expect to get any more of it.
  • If you think you have any secrets from your mother, remember who has changed your diapers.
  • You can’t “out mother” your mother. Don’t even try.
  • Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it.
  • The harder you try to hide something from your mother, the more she resembles a webcam.
  • The older you are, the more you feel like a child around your mother.
  • All mother’s have a “How To” manual. That’s because they wrote the book.
  • Mother’s way is best. If you don’t believe it, ask her.
  • Everything is a good idea till you mother finds out and tells you why it isn’t.
  • One mother is company, two is a psychic reading, three is a hen party, four is a bridge club.
  • If you don’t have time to study the drivers’ manual, drive your mother somewhere and get a quick refresher course.
  • When you are broke, ask mom for a loan. She will help you remember what you wasted all your money on.
  • The more expensive the gift you give your mother, the longer she will “save” it before she uses it.
  • No matter how wrong you are, your mother will not hold it against you. She may remind you a number of times, but she will not hold it against you.
  • No matter how much you eat, you can never get so fat that mother will not offer you more food.
  • If a mother does not have an item, she will have the recipe or the directions.
  • The more times mother reminds you to take an umbrella, the greater the probability of rain.
  • Accomplishments are made possible by your mother – failures are your own fault.
  • Never forget who rocked you as a baby. That’s something else you will never be able to repay her for.
  • Mother can always tell you a better way to do something after you’ve already done it.
  • The longer it’s been since you cleaned house, the more likely it is that mother will visit.
  • No matter how small your mom is, she will always be bigger than you are.
  • The more you detest an item that belongs to your mother, the more likely it is that she will try to give it to you.
  • If you do it yourself, mom could have done it better. If mom does it, you should have done it yourself.
  • You never are as good as other people’s children. You are never as bad as mom imagines.
  • The only thing more accurate than a mother’s advice is her memory of the times you didn’t take it.
  • The funnier the joke is, the more likely mom will think it is dirty.
  • Never tell your mother you have nothing to do. She can always find something.
  • If the job of a mother is going smoothly, she thinks she isn’t doing it well.
  • There are always two sides to a story – the way it really happened and the way mother remembers it.
  • Mothers always “know.” We don’t know how – they just do.
  • Murphy’s mother told him so.

This article was written by Sheila Moss, from Humor Columnist.Com and copied with her permission.
Copyright 2001 Sheila Moss

  • a child will never ask Mom to get something until she sits down.
    Corollary – a child will only ask for a glass of milk after you put the milk carton back in the refrigerator.
    Sent by Lexia Gibson
  • Call your Mom
    Sent by Nikki Hubbell-VanHoosear
  • If your kid grows up to be like you its an insult, not to you, to the kid
    Sent by Mohammed Ram jackson
  • You can fool some people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, but you can’t fool Mum
    Sent by Meself
  • Small, teething children will chew on the most valuable thing within reach. The same goes for puppies and juvenile tigers, bears, or crocodiles.
    Sent by -?Anonymous!
  • If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.

Stuff You Need To Know, To Know Everything

I lost a year and a half of posts when I switched from blogger to WordPress. I’ll post some of the stuff mostly to get it on record.

December 28th, 2006 by jsimonds

“Stewardesses”  is the longest word typed with only the left hand and “lollipop”  with your right.   (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn’t  you?)

No  word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or  purple.

“Dreamt”  is the only English word that ends in the letters  “mt”. (Are  you doubting this?)

Our  eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears  never stop growing.

The  sentence: “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every  letter of the alphabet. (Now,  you KNOW you’re going to try this out for accuracy,  right?)

The  words ‘racecar,’ ‘kayak’ and ‘level’ are the same whether they are  read left to right or right to left  (palindromes).(Yep,  I knew you were going to “do” this one.)

There  are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”:  tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and  hazardous.  (You’re  not doubting this, are you?)

There  are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in  order: “abstemious” and “facetious.”(Yes,  admit it, you are going to say . a e i o  u)

TYPEWRITER  is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one  row of the keyboard.(All  you typists are going to test this  out)

A  cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A  “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a  second.

A  shark is the only fish that can blink with both  eyes.

A  snail can sleep for three years.(I  know some people that could do this too.)

Almonds  are a member of the peach family.

An  ostrich’s eye is bigger than its  brain.

Babies  are born without kneecaps They don’t appear until the child  reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February  1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full  moon

In  the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been  domesticated.

If  the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of  the rate of reproduction.

Leonardo  Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Peanuts  are one of the ingredients of  dynamite!

Rubber  bands last longer when refrigerated.

The  average person’s left hand does 56% of the  typing.

The  cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel  that it burns.

The  microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube  and a chocolate bar melted in his  pocket.(Good  thing he did that)

The  winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara  Falls froze completely solid.

There  are more chickens than people in the  world.

Winston  Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a  dance.

Women  blink nearly twice as much as men.

Now you know everything you need to know.

The Real Difference Between Men And Women

My friend Joel Hagberg told me about this. With all the crap news going on, here’s a little (a lot of) humor.

In the current day when we have a Supreme Court Justice who can’t define what a woman is until there is a man involved, I have an easy test.

Here is the answer. Men think the 3 Stooges are funny. Yes, we can watch it and die laughing. Girls don’t get why we think it’s so funny.

Here’s a clip to make it easy. Separate 2 eggs is completely different for males and females, click to find out.

I for one find it hilarious.

LinkedIn Cringe And Sh*tposting

For people trying to get a job or increase business, it might be a valuable platform.

Unfortunately, it is still social media that is trying to be politically correct. I ran across this article so that you get a feel for what Cringe is.

Why LinkedIn? Just, why?

One of the funniest running jokes on Twitter is people trolling cringey LinkedIn newsfeed content: humble brags, faux inspiration, hustle porn, buzzwords galore and more.

A Twitter search for “linkedin cringe” returns an endless scroll of hilarity: 

Here’s a representative tweet that blew up last week. Someone posted a photo of a “resilient” tree, which prompted a perfect response that notched 430k+ likes: “Gonna be hell when LinkedIn finds out about this tree.”

What is in the DNA of LinkedIn that leads to such predictably cringe content?

To answer the question, I read a bunch of forums, articles and great insights from the LinkedIn Engineering Blog. I think the cringe is due to 3 factors:

  • The personality: What LinkedIn asks you to be?
  • The customer: Who is actually paying LinkedIn?
  • The algorithm: What drives engagement?

The Personality

My least favorite version of Trung is “CV Trung”. By this, I mean the way I write about myself and career on my resume.

Why? Because CV Trung is a knob.

Here are some actual bullet points from my most up-to-date resume, circa 2019: (comments in bold)

  • “CFA Charter-holder, passed all 3 exams on the first attempt” (no one cares)
  • “Professional working proficiency in Vietnamese” (not even close)
  • “Leveraged background in finance to lead a cross-functional team that developed machine-learning analytics tools” (dude, STFU)

Humans don’t talk like this. Half of this isn’t even true!

What is going on?

Canadian sociologist Erving Goffman has the answer: in a book called The Presentation of Self in Every Day Life, Goffman posits that every person goes through life wearing many “masks”, like an actor in a theater play.

Most people are different personalities at work vs. home vs. happy hour. People wear these different masks to impress or avoid embarrassment with different audiences.

Back to LinkedIn. It’s your online resume and directly tied to your identity.

The setup forces everyone on the site to basically wear the professional “CV mask” of their personality.

Bland. Buzzwords. Inoffensive. A little exaggeration. Self-promotional (but not too much). Desperate to impress.

CV Trung if I could grow facial hair (via @StateOfLinkedIn)

As a professional social network, LinkedIn has the cringe built in. The platform also prompts cringey engagement activity like:

  • Please <click button> to endorse <person> for being good at <skill>
  • It is <person> one year workversary please <congratulate>

This is not how normal people interact! I’ve literally never uttered the words “workvesary” out of my mouth (and have no idea what it sounds like).

Case in point:

Via @PanchamShreyas

Whenever someone strays from the “CV Mask” and gives an honest take, it resonates:

(L to R, clockwise): An honest consultant, my “education” section and Conan O’Brien’s very funny “test score”

Having said all that, LinkedIn’s mission is to “connect the world’s professionals to make them more productive and successful”. As we’ll see, the site has been able to do that for many of its 800m+ users…cringe or no cringe.

MY RESPONSE AND TROLL

I already troll LinkedIn by changing my profile. My college went woke. I am so ashamed of them for what they represent that I changed it to Faber, of Animal House fame. No one noticed, but I don’t get any college links anymore, so there is the silver lining.

I decided to engage in the cringe by posting a false invention to detect both that and Sh*t posts. There already is an app that does this, so I made up my own. It’s just cringe stuff that is deep in sarcasm for those who troll my page and try to market unwanted advice to me. It’s working well as I’m being left alone. I haven’t done what my career was for years anyway.

Here’s a sample: Helped change the course of the future with the invention of the Revalvitating Capitulator. A vital component in the development and distribution of LinkedIn cringe.

I even used the cringe generator and got this:

And a special shout out to Alex Cohen, who has turned long-form LinkedIn shitposting into an art:

In the end, it’s just another social media fail, but at least there is fun in it for those who recognize sarcasm. I troll it now in my profile because it went woke a while ago. I don’t even bother posting or liking except to very few people that I had a real connection with in the past.

Like most of Social Media, it’s a time suck. Cringe beats woke every time.

Gilligan’s Island, The Epitaph

It was a good TV show when I was a kid. My Mom dreaded that I watched such nonsense and that it would certainly ruin me. I didn’t get any smarter by watching the show. It provided me with clean entertainment as compared to the woke TV the kids get now.

There were some things that didn’t make sense.

The professor could charge batteries for their radio by stirring coconuts, but couldn’t fix the Minnow?

Finally, my answer. It was Ginger, My how things have changed…

She’s the only one of the cast left

Two New Dating Services For Very Distinct And Rare Groups – Unjected And……….

This one is the joke, the next isn’t. She married her brother and hates the USA.

Now for the real one.

Given the deaths of young men and the fertility killing Covid kill shot, some people not only won’t get jabbed, but don’t want to date those who were lemmings. I admit it’s a tangential IQ test. If you got one, you failed science and critical thinking classes. I understand why you should question those who did.

It’s called Unjected. At least you know your partner won’t be infertile because of a gene therapy shot and has a chance at reproduction. They won’t die early because of Myocarditis or unnatural cancer either.

Not that I’ve been in the dating pool for a while, but I’d consider this one.

Here’s a screenshot.

What I find the most ironic is that Covid used to be a pandemic of the “unvaccinated”. Those people were the pariah’s of the world because they wouldn’t line up like sheep for slaughter.

Now, the science is proving what some of us thought all along. Elon Musk says the evidence will be out soon, not that I expect anyone to believe it who got the clot shot. They have to worry the rest of their lives as to what is going to happen.

I Guess White People All Look Alike

The Whitehouse Press Gaffe spokesperson confused Biden with Obama (who is half white). She is confused by many things like facts and the truth, but this one is a doozy. She couldn’t have been the best candidate for the job, just the most woke and the most letters in the alphabet of weirdness.

(I’m counting on that last paragraph for a new round of censorship, enjoy while you can)

Video here.

What Happens To Guys When It Gets Cold

Double bonus here, it makes fun of vegetarians. No one is buying Beyond Meats as their stock is falling. I guess it tastes like it looks.

Even the companies don’t know if their meat is safe to eat

Lab-grown meat is often made using immortalized cell lines, which, unlike regular cells, are capable of continuously dividing and growing in a manner similar to cancer cells, according to Bloomberg. Companies developing lab-grown meats have largely remained silent about the connection between their product and cancer cells, possibly in a bid to keep consumers from getting skittish about their products.

Genetics? No, A Geneticist Says You’re A Cheating Whore

It reminds me of a college girlfriend who turned out to be one.

I dumped the slut before I found out she cheated. I found out after the breakup, but I wasn’t surprised as it was a pattern of hers. It was one of the better days of our relationship.

This next guy is my hero.

I wouldn’t know as I don’t follow her or any other ex’s, but it seems appropriate.

Dick Jokes, If Told By A Girl

I bet she’d want to write her name in the snow and on the wall too.

As for me, I can’t get them to fit as the hole is too small, but I imagine I could fit a dozen or so (only if I smashed them flat together)

This is how it is being a man. It’s much more than donuts. We hang towels also.

And this is how we do it, and stuff all guys know.

but first, you have to know the guy rules we knew when we were born

My Childish Humor Strikes Again

Oh yes, I could say it with a straight face, depending on the other person. I just texted my friend George that there were a lot of balls to juggle, instead balls in the air.

I still call them wiener’s if there is a chance the other person will feel uncomfortable.

Hat tip to wirecutter on this one. It was too good to not share.

Things My Loser Bosses Would Say

I’ve had some doosies like Ray Gorman, Amy Loomis, Robert Adamson, Sandy Carter and others over a lifetime. Once I understood them, I also understood my job and it’s significance to them. I looked at my job a lot differently when I knew they were going to screw everyone to get to the top.

Amy works at IDC now, I pity the other analysts. Ray at Lenovo. The Chinese are tougher than Americans so happy working. The others were millionaires and just went away.

Fortunately, I played the game at a different level than them and moved along in life at a better and faster pace and in a different direction. I was able to go and do what I wanted until I couldn’t take them anymore. Life was sweet when I called the final shot and left on my terms as they still are in the salt mines. (Ray and Amy couldn’t take that I made more)

I had different goals, so I was always in a direction they couldn’t understand. It’s how I kept my life and they lost theirs. I could have been a lot more productive without some bosses continually giving me shit tasks to do on top of my real job.

Making Childish Jokes About Lawyer’s Names

You have to know Phil McCraken is a butt crack joke. Hiscock should have just changed his name

For all the names, here is your song that says them all. Seymour Butts, Jack N. Off, Stu Pedaso…their all in here

I’m looking for a big dick smoker.

The Webb Space Telescope Finds Romulan Neutral Zone

I’m sure it’s one of the wide diversity of galaxies at the beginning of the universe. If you see one of these buried in the pictures below, run. Look for a cloaking device also.

Actually, it the telescope took excellent photos from a long time ago.

New data from the Webb Space Telescope and presented this week at an astronomy conference has found that galaxies in the early universe exhibit much of the same range of shapes and morphologies seen in the recent universe, a result that was not expected.

The image to the right comes from the press release. You can read the research paper here [pdf].

The study examined 850 galaxies at redshifts of z three through nine, or as they were roughly 11-13 billion years ago. Associate Professor Jeyhan Kartaltepe from Rochester Institute of Technology’s School of Physics and Astronomy said that JWST’s ability to see faint high redshift galaxies in sharper detail than Hubble allowed the team of researchers to resolve more features and see a wide mix of galaxies, including many with mature features such as disks and spheroidal components.

“There have been previous studies emphasizing that we see a lot of galaxies with disks at high redshift, which is true, but in this study we also see a lot of galaxies with other structures, such as spheroids and irregular shapes, as we do at lower redshifts,” said Kartaltepe, lead author on the paper and CEERS co-investigator. “This means that even at these high redshifts, galaxies were already fairly evolved and had a wide range of structures.”

The results of the study, which have been posted to ArXiv and accepted for publication in The Astrophysical Journal, demonstrate JWST’s advances in depth, resolution, and wavelength coverage compared to Hubble. Out of the 850 galaxies used in the study that were previously identified by Hubble, 488 were reclassified with different morphologies after being shown in more detail with JWST. Kartaltepe said scientists are just beginning to reap the benefits of JWST’s impressive capabilities and are excited by what forthcoming data will reveal.

“This tells us that we don’t yet know when the earliest galaxy structures formed,” said Kartaltepe. “We’re not yet seeing the very first galaxies with disks. We’ll have to examine a lot more galaxies at even higher redshifts to really quantify at what point in time features like disks were able to form.”

In other words, it appears galaxies of all shapes, as we see them today, already existed 11-13 billion years ago, shortly after the universe was born. This defies most theories about the formation of the universe, which predict that these early galaxies would be different than today’s.

The data however at this point is sparse. Webb has only begun this work, and as Kartaltepe notes, they need to look a lot more galaxies.

Courtesy of Behind the Black

Somewhere There Is A Teenager Naming His Johnson After This

The jokes about eating write themselves now.

A lot of men have a name for their dicks. I’ve heard endless versions. Some are more creative than others.

Everyone copied theirs from someone else except my friend Mitchell. His was the Mighty Throbber.

I Like This Dick Measuring Contest

Because that is what it is. It’s like the longest drive, fastest car, number of wins your team got, name it.

There are some that are hard to top. They are conversation stoppers, also one of my favorites.

I won’t compare it to my schools because I put as much distance as I can from both my high school and college, both school and people. Those people would lose every time to the non-woke army.

If it weren’t for the Nazi thing, this would be the ultimate dick measuring contest for a school. Based on my work experience, I’ve noted how overrated the Ivy League schools are, and you can include others like UNC-CH, Duke and most California schools. They turn out losers now that are more concerned about gender and race than history and education.

Still, if it came down to it and someone started giving me the Harvard or Notre Dame speech. I’d like to say I’m from the Panzer School and we’d blow your doors off, literally. That’s a show stopper.

It’s like someone bragging they play golf and you answer, Hi, I’m Tiger Woods.

When They Become Cannibals

I knew an Italian Dr with a bag and shoe fetish that only a Dr.’s salary could support. She said it was an addiction. I say it’s a waste of money.

It is for girls to show off to other girls. Guys don’t care about the bags, necklaces, rings or makeup.

She spent 10’s of thousands for other girls I guess. Other than being a good Dr, even her sister said her life was effed up.