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How To Buy Gifts For Men

January 17, 2013

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women.

Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1:

When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he

already has one. I have a friend who owns 17, and he has yet to

complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one

knows why.

Rule #2:

If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word

“ratchet” or “socket” on it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey

George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By the way, are you through

with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:

If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car: a 99-cent

ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his

rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:

Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to

wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:

You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn

out. If you have a lot of money, buy your man a big-screen TV with the

little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips,

and flips.

Rule #6:

Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or

deodorant. I’m told they do not stink – they are “earthy.”

Rule #7:

Buy men label-makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple

of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts.

Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #8:

Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box.

It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #9:

Good places to shop for men include Bass Pro Shops,Cabellas, Northwest Iron Works,

Parr Lumber,Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA

Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores.)

It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. (“From NAPA Auto, eh?

Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ’68 Ford

Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.”)

Rule #10:

Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook, although they will

barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell

him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a

hamburger?”

Rule #11:

Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not

appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone

knows why.

Rule #12:

Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you

don’t know why, please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a

label-maker.

Rule #13:

It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension

ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension

ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #14:

Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least

The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manila

rope. No one knows why.

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  1. When I Get Around To It…. | The Accidental Kansan

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