Tag: humor

Sarcasm Deluxe

If you don’t get it, that is a stronghold for Palestinian sympathizers, also known as liberals

Must Have Been Some Awesome Hot Sauce

One man was killed and another was taken into custody over the weekend in Colorado after an argument over a bottle of spicy sauce erupted into a violent and eventually lethal rage, according to Mile High State police. A rather brief press release from the Denver Police Department on Monday afternoon stated that George Vigil, 19, is charged with one count of second-degree murder.

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Microsoft-Owned LinkedIn Using People’s Data To Train Artificial Intelligence Models – How I Got My Revenge

The story in a minute. First, I stopped working so I didn’t need LinkedIn for anything other than a track record of people I worked with. I wound up changing it though to suit me.

When they wanted pronouns, I used “pronouns are woke” instead of He/him. My college is Faber from Animal House fame, Knowledge is good. I’ve adjusted a lot of of things to poke fun at them can call them out for being woke. I won’t bore the readers, but I lost respect for them and show it.

Now this:

Professional networking platform LinkedIn has confirmed that it automatically uses personal user data to train artificial intelligence (AI) models without first informing its members.

The LinkedIn app displayed on a phone in London on Jan. 11, 2021. Edward Smith/Getty Images

The California-headquartered company said in a Sept. 18 blog post that it has updated the privacy policy element of its terms of service to include language clarifying how it uses the information shared with it “to develop the products and services of LinkedIn and its affiliates, including by training AI models used for content generation (‘generative AI’) and through security and safety measures.”

The platform said that there is an opt-out setting for members when it comes to using their data for generative AI training.

LinkedIn is owned by Microsoft, which has invested heavily in OpenAI, the developer behind ChatGPT. According to the FAQ section of the platform’s website, the AI models used to power generative AI features may be trained by LinkedIn or another provider, such as Microsoft’s Azure OpenAI service.

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Sure, I know one profile isn’t going to change AI, but it’s the most I can do. I make the day of a lot of HR recruiters when my work background meets their search requirements and then they read the satire I’ve left there.

T!TS For Trump, Trying To Out Do The Hawk Tuah Girl

First of all, my favorite line in the whole story is the cop who said she had a seriously great set.

She’s his breast supporter.

An OnlyFans model who shut down the New York City-to-Dublin portal last spring proudly flashed Donald Trump during his rally Thursday night — saying the stunt was part of her larger fundraising effort, called “Tits for Trump.”

Ava Louise, 26, made headlines in May when she flashed the downtown Manhattan portal, which was subsequently shut down. On Wednesday night, she showed off her assets again within full view of Trump and thousands of attendees at the Nassau Coliseum on Long Island, video obtained by The Post showed.

Ava Louise flashed Trump during the Nassau Coliseum rally.
Ava Louise flashed Trump during the Nassau Coliseum rally. Courtesy Ava Louise

She jumped up and down and cheered along with the crowd in hopes of giving the Republican White House nominee, 78, an eyeful. It’s unclear if he spotted her.

While the other MAGA diehards in the audience seemed to appreciate the gesture, a police officer stationed in the crowd immediately pulled Ava and her boyfriend out of their seats, Ava told The Post.

Here it is:

The Secret Service at the venue, however, was more sympathetic, and supposedly convinced the disgruntled cop to let Ava and her boyfriend leave without issue, she alleged.

“Seriously, great set,” a man who appeared to be a federal agent in a khaki polo shirt can be heard complimenting Ava in a video provided to The Post.

The agent even nodded at Ava’s boyfriend, telling him, “Nice job, bro.”

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Reasons Women Should Stop Wearing Bra’s

Since women have never worn bras for most of human history, it raises a simple question. Might there be any downsides to the practice?

• Pain — Bras can cause chronic back, rib, neck, shoulder, and breast pain, often tied to restricted breathing. Many women find relief when they take their bras off, yet they continue wearing them in public due to societal expectations.

What is remarkable about this is that most women recognize this (e.g., a survey of 3000 women found that 46% of them enjoy being able to take their bras off at the end of the day,15 while another 3000 women survey found 52% take it off within 30 minutes of getting home16). During the pandemic, many women stated they stopped wearing a bra once the lockdowns allowed them to work from home and, hence, did not “need” one.17

• Breast shape — There’s an ongoing debate about whether bras worsen breast shape over time, potentially increasing sagging. While the evidence is limited, some like this gynecologist18 suggest that not wearing a bra could be cosmetically beneficial, challenging the marketing claim that bras maintain youthful breast appearance.

• Metal allergies — An estimated 17% of women are allergic to nickel,19 commonly used in bra underwires. This can cause skin reactions, yet the industry, wishing to maximize savings, has been slow to offer nickel-free options.

Note: Nickel is found in various products like buttons, glasses, and belts, so if unusual skin symptoms appear, especially in a specific area, a nickel allergy should be considered.

• Impaired circulation — Bras compress the breasts, potentially impairing circulation and lymphatic drainage (as lymphatic circulation is very sensitive to being obstructed by external pressure). This could explain issues like headaches, indigestion, and an even higher risk of breast cancer due to lymphatic stagnation.

• Breast cancer — The most controversial topic is the potential link between bras and breast cancer. While major cancer organizations deny this connection, some holistic and even mainstream sources21 argue that lymphatic stagnation,22 worsened by bras, could contribute to cancer development. Though not widely accepted, the possibility remains a point of concern.

In turn, there is some evidence to support the contention that bras are linked to breast cancer. Specifically:

• A 1991 Harvard study of 9333 people23 that found “Premenopausal women who do not wear bras had half the risk of breast cancer compared with bra users.”

• A 1991 to 1993 study of 5000 women24 that found:

◦ Women who wore their bras 24 hours per day had a 3 out of 4 chance of developing breast cancer.

◦ Women who wore their bras for more than 12 hours but not to bed had a 1 in 7 risk for breast cancer.

◦ Wearing a bra less than 12 hours per day dropped breast cancer risk to 1 in 152.

◦ Women who never or rarely wore bras had a 1 in 168 risk for breast cancer.

For reference, this is 4 to 8 stronger than the association between smoking and lung cancer and is discussed further in the book “Dressed To Kill: The Link Between Breast Cancer and Bras.”25 Furthermore:

  • A 2009 Chinese study found that avoiding sleeping in a bra lowered the risk of breast cancer by 60%.26
  • 2016 Brazilian study of 304 women found women who were frequent bra wearers were 2.27 times more likely to develop breast cancer.27
  • A detailed 2016 meta-analysis comprised of 12 studies found wearing a bra while sleeping doubled one’s risk of breast cancer.28

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I say take them off. It will do you good and give me wood (Rodney Carrington).

Note: this is a real story that I turned into sarcasm. YMMV

Which EU Countries Are The Most Expensive (And Cheapest)?

In this graphic, via Visual Capitalist’s Jenna Ross, we look at price differences across EU countries using data from Eurostat. Countries that are dark blue have the lowest relative prices to the EU average, while countries that are bright blue have the highest relative prices.

Relative prices were determined by the currency needed to buy the same product volume in different countries, calculated using actual individual consumption of goods and services and the exchange rate in each country.

EU Countries: Most to Least Expensive

Luxembourg has the highest prices among EU countries, at 52% higher than the EU average. In particular, education is pricier than anywhere else in the EU at 276% above average.

The country also has the highest wages in Europe, which helps support higher costs.

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My wife’s relatives are in Denmark. They brag about free medical and education. They talk about pensions for life, but here’s where I point out that it’s not free.

The biggest chuckle is when my wife gets way more Social Security than the Danish pension, and she only worked here part of the time.

When You Are The Side Chick

When this was happening, Willie’s wife was pregnant with their child and he was getting some strange.

This Florida State fan said he would eat dog doo-doo if they lost to Boston College. They lost to Boston College.

Here’s a life lesson for all you sports fans out there: If you love your team so much that you’ll promise to eat dog poop out of a solo cup if they lose, you better be ready to eat dog poop out of a solo cup when they lost

This man has deleted his X account after going viral for this post:

And here’s what happened:

Time to eat dog poop out of a red solo cup with a spoon, my man.

And we’ll need video evidence!

Eat shit and die.

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What TV shows did you watch as a kid?

What TV shows did you watch as a kid?

I grew up in the 60’s before they took off the good TV because it was wholesome, albeit not something that challenged our intelligence.

So it was Batman (Adam West), Gilligans Island (My Mom hated us watching that), The Beverly Hillbilies, Bewitched, I Dream of Jeannie (Even then I knew Barbara Eden was hot), The Wild Wild West, Green Acres and some others of this ilk.

They wiped all of those out for the next round, but we still had WKRP, Taxi, Barney Miller and some of those that were good.

Were You Born An Asshole, Or Did You Work At It All Your Life

Every time I hear this song, I think of people that I worked with.

My first job was relatively free of them, but then the list started.

At ICS, there was Gilbert/Carl Fiorentino – they went to jail.

The next job at Core was these two:

Robert Adamson and Sondra Arkin. Robert tried to screw people over out of sheer spite and Sondra was a loser who was a vindictive feminist. There were a lot of others like the head of software development, but he was more of a wiener.

I moved to IBM and there were plenty of people like:

Laura Knapp, Sandy Carter, John Callies, Amy Loomis, Ed Barbini, and a lot of New Yorkers, but the top of the list when I hear the song is:

Ray Gorman.

I always go to him as he was tied with Amy as my worst manager. No one continuously lied to me as much as Ray from day one. He also always tried to screw me but never could. He was mad that I made more money than him and beat the system continuously when he couldn’t. He thought I didn’t know what he was doing, but everyone told me what he was up to behind my back (not just to me, he fired a guy who had taken leave to serve in Afghanistan) so I was always a step ahead. It was funny that he could never get away with screwing me because everyone else thought he was an asshole also.

He’s really lucky that I didn’t actually kick his ass. I saw him in Vegas at a computer show after he got transferred to Lenovo and he tried to act like nothing happened. He thought we were friends after backstabbing me. It was all I could do to not deck him. I did the right thing and walked away, but not next time, he’s got an ass whooping coming . I dislike sniveling pricks and that’s why I think of Ray when the song plays.

Toilet Paper: The Biggest Scam to Ever Exist?

After I visited Japan, I’ve had a bidet to clean my ass. No more shit-stained undies or worrying that you might smell like shit if there was a chance of some oral satisfaction.

Now this:

Ah, toilet paper. That innocent little roll sitting quietly in your bathroom, innocuous, and oh-so-essential—or is it? If you ask me, my dear wicked ones, we might be staring at the greatest con in the history of mankind. Yes, I said it. Let’s dish.

Think about it. We’re paying good money for a product that we literally flush down the toilet. Every. Single. Day. We’re tossing away cash, wiping it on our behinds, and sending it to the sewage system like it’s nothing. Is this not the ultimate racket? The Charmin bears are probably lounging in their gold-plated forest homes, laughing at us all.

Let’s dive into the origins, shall we? Toilet paper is a relatively modern invention, but somehow, humanity has survived for centuries without it. A few leaves, a splash of water, a bit of cloth—crude but effective. Fast forward to today, and we’ve been brainwashed to believe that without this fluffy, overpriced tissue, civilization as we know it would collapse. Really? The ancients managed, and last I checked, they built the pyramids.

And don’t even get me started on the marketing. Those cute little puppies and bears in the commercials, selling us the dream of the softest, plushest experience for our derrières—oh please. It’s a game, my friends—a sly, cunning game. The manufacturers have you convinced that more plies equal a better life. But does your rear end really know the difference between two-ply and four-ply? I doubt it.

Of course, I’m not suggesting we all start using leaves again—after all, we’ve evolved past that (haven’t we?). But isn’t it time to question the necessity of this everyday item that’s silently draining our bank accounts and our forests? There are alternatives, from bidets to bamboo—dare I say, the time for a toilet paper revolution is nigh?

Here’s the rest which tells you why you should wash your ass.

I never had a problem during COVID-19 because my bidet did the job. I was laughing at people trying to find it at the stores.

Mis-read This One, Thought It Said Faggots Attack

The Democrats have a maggot problem.

No, not Adam Kinzinger or Bob Menendez, but an honest-to-goodness, literal maggot problem.

And it’s bad enough that the Federal Bureau of Investigation is getting involved.

According to WGN-TV, a number of “female offenders” sneaked into the Fairmont Hotel — which was hosting the 2024 Democratic National Convention Breakfast in Chicago — to contaminate various food items with maggots.

“Multiple unknown female offenders are alleged to have entered a building (200 block of North Columbus Drive) and began placing unknown objects onto tables containing food,” a statement from law enforcement handling security at the DNC noted. “The offenders are believed to have then left the area.

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Still, this is pretty gross

Bet they wore MAGA hats and Trump shirts, the hoaxers always do (same with the FBI when they set up something)

Least Attractive Female Hobbies

Being an introvert, I’d put small talk when you talk at someone instead of talking to them, or being interesting. Don’t narrate your day and expect me to want to engage

Sayings I Used For My Email Closing At Work

I kept this file hanging around and thought I’d share it, YMMV:

L’esprit de L’escalier – things you wish you could have said after you leave an argument

Talk to a fool and he calls you foolish

“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.”

Vous-avez le cerveau d’un d’un sandwich au fromage –you have the brain of a cheese sandwich

“Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts.” (Sign hanging in Einstein’s office at Princeton)

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”
– Dale Carnegie

Robert Frost – “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”

Arrête de ramer, tu attaques la falaise. (you can stop rowing now, you’re on the beach)

It is easy to lose one’s perspective in a mass of details.

Failure is but a paragraph in the book of each human life. It is the pages that follow that ultimately define us

Laurence J. Peter – “An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.”

“Racing is Life.  Everything before and after is just waiting.” Steve McQueen from the movie LeMans

Albert Einstein open original article “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former

Joseph Heller -“The enemy is anybody who’s going to get you killed,
no matter which side he’s on.”

Sidney J. Harris – “A cynic is not merely one who reads bitter lessons from the past, he is one who is prematurely disappointed in the future.”

Abba Eban-“History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.”

When you win, say nothing, when you lose, say less. -Paul Brown

You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them. -Michael Jordan

Every game is an opportunity to measure yourself against your own potential. -Bud Wilkinson

Excellence is not a singular act but a habit. You are what you do repeatedly. -Shaquille O’Neal

“Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery.” Winston Churchill, as quoted in The New American Newspeak Dictionary (2005) by Adrian Krieg, p. 96

 Rudeness is a weak person’s imitation of strength – Oscar Wilde

“What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.”

Losers quit when they’re tired. Winners quit when they’ve won

370H-SSV-0773H – read upside down

I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race [is] not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.

For man also knoweth not his time: as the fishes that are taken in an evil net, and as the birds that are caught in the snare; so [are] the sons of men snared in an evil time, when it falleth suddenly upon them.

— Ecclesiastes 9:11,12 —

“Meetings are indispensable when you don’t want to do anything.” – John Kenneth Galbraith

If guns kill people, then pens misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, forks make you fat, and TVs make you watch porn.

Listen to people. If they are worth talking to, they are worth listening to first.

You can’t change what happens to you in life. All you can change is how you deal with it.

I think I’m emotionally constipated because I haven’t given a $hit in days.

Liberalism: Moochers electing looters to steal from producers

Political Correctness – A term used by whiny pussies that need stuff sugar coated

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” -Albert Einstein

 “I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives. I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him.” Abraham Lincoln

“This nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave.” Elmer Davis

“Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, to assure the survival and success of liberty.”  John F. Kennedy

“Sure I wave the American flag. Do you know a better flag to wave? Sure I love my country with all her faults. I’m not ashamed of that, never have been, never will be.”  John Wayne

“We must always remember that America is a great nation today not because of what government did for people but because of what people did for themselves and for one another.” Richard Nixon

“There is no limit to the greatness of America!” George W. Bush

“Liberals become indignant when you question their patriotism, but simultaneously work overtime to give terrorists a cushion for the next attack and laugh at dumb Americans who love their country and hate the enemy.” Ann Coulter

“I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country.” Nathan Hale

“Patriotism is not short, frenzied outbursts of emotion, but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime.” Adlai E. Stevenson

“One, if you attack my integrity, I will defend myself. If you attack my patriotism, I will defend myself. If you come after my family, I will counter-attack viciously, I will destroy you.” Scott Ritter

“The American patriots of today continue the tradition of the long line of patriots before them, by helping to promote liberty and freedom around the world.” John Linder  

“Patriotism is easy to understand in America. It means looking out for yourself by looking out for your country.” Calvin Coolidge

“This country will not be a good place for any of us to live in unless we make it a good place for all of us to live in.” Theodore Roosevelt

“You cannot spill a drop of American blood without spilling the blood of the whole world…. We are not a nation, so much as a world.” Herman Melville 

A great civilization is not conquered from without until it has destroyed itself from within.

– Ariel Durant

“Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.” – George Eliot

Quote du jour

But isn’t it always that way with liberals? The only time they seem to make any sense at all is when they’re drunk or you are.

–Burt Prelutsky

Ya gotta be tough if your gonna be stupid.

“Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rapidly promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end.”

Laurence J. Peteropen original article

“Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.”

“Never judge a book by its movie.”

“Liberals are very broadminded: they are always willing to give careful consideration to both sides of the same side.”

“Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.”
— Benjamin Franklin

“Give me four years to teach the children and the seed I have sown will never be uprooted.”
— Vladimir Lenin

“When an opponent declares, ‘I will not come over to your side,’ I calmly say, ‘Your child belongs to us already… What are you? You will pass on. Your descendants, however, now stand in the new camp. In a short time they will know nothing else but this new community.’”
— Adolf Hitler

Never take advice from women about women.

And the last one was when I retired:

If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me – Jimmy Buffett

The Left Always Eat Each Other – Joe Biden Throws Kamala Harris Under the Bus, Says She is Also Responsible for Current Dumpster Fire Economy as She Desperately Tries to Distance Herself From His Polices!

Joe Biden threw Kamala Harris under the bus and said she is also responsible for the current dumpster fire economy.

“The issues that we’ve worked on together have made great progress economically,” Biden said.

There is no progress economically. Americans are suffering from crippling inflation thanks to Joe Biden and Kamala Harris.

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The 2024 Democratic Ticket

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Have (big) Dick, Will Travel

French pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati’s bulge might have played a role in costing him Olympic gold — but now it’s given him the chance for some major green.

After Ammirati’s bulge clipped the crossbar during his pole vault heat at the 2024 Summer Olympics on Saturday, August 3, the image spread like wildfire on social media as viewers marveled at his endowment, while lamenting what it had taken from him. 

As it turns out, Ammirati’s misfortune also caught the attention of adult entertainment company CamSoda who offered him $250,000 in exchange for a 60-minute cam show.

In a letter obtained by Us Weekly, CamSoda Vice President Daryn Parker made the offer to Ammirati, 21, to show off his “goods” in exchange for the big payday.

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He could go Onlyfans with a hog like that

Friday Dick Humor With Meme’s To Steal And Share

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Mid Week Meme Dump

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And for my Danish relatives who brag that they are always the happiest country, It’s easy to be happy when you have such low expectations. I never bought it.

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What traditions have you not kept that your parents had?

What traditions have you not kept that your parents had?

Making my kids eat everything on their plate.

I had to finish everything when I was young. My Dad would sit at the table while I chewed tough meat like I was chewing gum forever. This was after the others left.

Or my personal worst, choking down boiled okra. That slimy shit made me gag and I suffered through it until it was done. I think after a while my Mom had either mercy on me or tried to serve something I could finish.

I made sure my kids had enough to eat and that there was healthy food on their plate. When they were full and I believed it, I ended the pain for both of us. They grew up and survived, but then I guess I did also.

I always tried to learn from what they did right and wrong. There are lessons in both.

The Best Of Dick Humor

If it says dick humor, it’s a bunch of memes to laugh at and steal. Otherwise, it is double-entendre stories or some word play on the word dick.

childhood pranks

gonna start my week off like a champion, dick champion

somewhere there is a teenager naming his johnson this

how hard is the wood?

Billy Glasscock – coach

best jersey swap of all time, they knew what they were doing

sounding, sticking things in your dick

translation, we shot him in the dick

dick jokes if told by a girl

dick strong

because lawyers are dicks

dick humor real estate style

dick humor low hanging style

liberal men suffer more ED

dick humor

dick humor or dad humor

dick humor

dick humor

Break your dick to make it bigger

dick humor

Because guys like girls without dicks

Saturday dick humor

dick humor

dick humor at the Trump trial

dick humor

Latin for ungrateful dickhead

dick humor

dick humor

Headline I Never Thought I’d Read….‘You J*cked Off In A F*cking Parking Lot’: Cal Quantrill’s Savage Trolling Towards Reese McGuire Nearly Sparks Brawl

Rockies starting pitcher Cal Quantrill was facing a jam with two outs on the board, and ended up getting out of it after Red Sox catcher Reese McGuire flew out to center field. However, things hit a boiling point, and quickly, before he even made it back to the dugout. And on top of that, the situation got incredibly personal — incredibly, incredibly personal. Like, we’re talking disrespectful as hell. So much so, that it cleared the benches and nearly sparked up an outright brawl.

But his momentum didn’t last long at all, as Quantrill savagely trolled that ass.

“You j*cked off in a f*cking parking lot, you dumb f*ck,” Quantrill yelled at Reese.

And from there, the two nearly got into a fight, with benches clearing that almost sparked up an outright brawl between the Rockies and Red Sox.

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I Wonder If He’ll Use It To Fire Up A Blunt

Rapper Snoop Dogg is set to carry the Olympic torch during the final leg of its tour across France ahead of Friday’s Olympic opening ceremony in Paris.

Mathieu Hanotin, the mayor of Saint-Denis, a northern suburb of Paris, took to X on Monday to confirm the news. Mr. Hanotin said the city—perched on the bank of the Seine River—will serve as the final stop on the Olympic Torch Relay’s cross-country route, marking the start of the 2024 Paris Games, set to run from July 26 to Aug. 11.

In addition to his torchbearer duties, Snoop Dogg, born Calvin Cordozar Broadus Jr., will also serve as a commentator for NBCUniversal’s coverage of the Paris Games. The rapper previously reported for NBC’s streaming platform Peacock during the 2020 Tokyo Summer Olympics—held in 2021 because of the pandemic—providing colorful sports commentary alongside comedian Kevin Hart.

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When Your Wiener Is Broken And You Can’t Drive It Home

OAK BROOK, Ill.—An Oscar Mayer Wienermobile got into a pickle on a Chicago highway.

The hot-dog shaped Wienermobile hit a car Monday morning along Interstate 294 and its driver lost control and overcorrected, causing it to roll onto its side near the Chicago suburb of Oak Brook, Illinois State Police said.

No injuries were reported after the crash, which prompted the closure of the right lane of northbound I-294 for more than an hour, officials said.

A spokesperson for the Oscar Mayer brand, which has several Wienermobiles, told the Chicago Sun-Times it’s “grateful that everybody involved is safe and there were no injuries.”

Video from the crash scene shows that the yellow and orange Wienermobile was later hauled away on a flatbed truck with apparent damage visible on part of the vehicle.

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Why People Suck At Golf

Since I just got off the course, I asked one of the AI engines and this is the answer.

Ah, golf. That beloved sport where people spend hours on the green, only to come back with a score that would make a caveman proud. Why do people suck at golf, you ask? Well, let me enlighten you with my wit and sarcasm.

First and foremost, it’s because golf is a game of precision, and who needs that in their life? I mean, who wants to spend their weekends perfecting their swing, when they could be binge-watching the latest season of “The Bachelor”? It’s so much more fun to watch other people’s lives fall apart, am I right?

Secondly, golf requires patience, and we all know that’s a dying art in this fast-paced world. Who has the time to wait for their turn to putt when they could be scrolling through TikTok and watching videos of people falling off treadmills? Clearly, golf is just not meant for the modern world.

Now, let’s talk about technique. Who needs proper form and a good grip when you can just swing that club like a baseball bat? I mean, it’s not like there’s any difference between the two sports, right? Oh wait, there is. But who cares about that when you can look cool while completely missing the ball?

And let’s not forget about the mental aspect of the game. Golf is a sport that requires focus and the ability to block out distractions, like your annoying golf buddies who insist on giving you unsolicited advice. But why bother with that when you can just let your mind wander and think about what you’re going to eat for dinner? Priorities, people.

In conclusion, people suck at golf because they just don’t have the time, patience, or mental fortitude to truly excel at the game. But hey, who needs to be good at golf when you can be a pro at procrastination and watching reality TV? Keep on sucking, my fellow golfers. It’s what makes this sport so endearingly frustrating.

Cancelled Plans, An Introvert’s Favorite Gift

Nothing is better for me than when plans are cancelled for an event. The minute I agree to do something I’m somewhat on the edge about, the regret begins. I bet I burn up as much of my social battery dreading going to these events as being there. Hell, I’m burnt out before I even go if I realize it’s a big mistake or someone says there will be a lot of people there.

In fact, if you want to give your introverted friend the gift they want the most, give them cancelled plans. It’s one of our favorites. Heck, call them up and say that the plans you had to go out together are cancelled, even if you didn’t make any. That’s how good of a gift it is.

Competitive Eating Update – Joey Chestnut Eats 200 Wings In 38 Minutes After Inhaling 57 Hot Dogs On The Fourth Of July; Nathan’s Runner Up Caught Cheating

First the positive:

Joey Chestnut doing Joey Chestnut things!

While most Americans were trying to figure out how to get through their Monday back to work after Fourth of July weekend, legendary competitive eater Joey Chestnut was right back to throwing down at the table and setting records.

During the holiday weekend, the official Twitter account of Buffalo Wild Wings issued a challenge to Chestnut to smack 200 boneless wings — challenge accepted.

Normally, Chestnut is getting some relaxation in after winning another belt at the Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Contest, but he ended up getting banned from the event after inking a contract with Impossible Foods, a grower of fake meat that Nathan’s didn’t want any part of.

But B-Dubs did!

“hey @joeyjaws if you eat 200 boneless wings tomorrow at all you can eat, i’ll extend it to 8/14,” wrote Buffalo Wild Wings in a Sunday morning tweet.

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Now this. I didn’t think you could cheat, yet here we are:

The competitive eating world has been completely shaken up after a cheating scandal has rocked the 2024 edition of the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest that takes place every Fourth of July, with a contender being hit with allegations of trying to crank up his score by using hand trickery.

Nick Wehry, the husband of women’s hot dog champion Miki Sudo, allegedly used sleight of hand trickery while the contest was happening in an attempt to fraudulently increase the number of hot dogs that he ate to become a part of the elite contenders of the sport, according to insider sources who told this information to the New York Post.

“100% he cheated,” one source said Tuesday to The Post.

Originally, Wehry had a score of 46.75 hot dogs eaten, however, that figure got bumped up to 51.75 later. According to the outlet’s sources, he ended up getting credit for eating five more wieners than what he actually did. On top of that, Wehry is also being knocked with accusations of “stealing plates” from a fellow competitor, stacking them in his area to bring his tally over 50. Oh! And he asked for a recount after the original scoring from the judge.

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Aibohphobia – The Fear Of Palindromes

Aha, I was looking for a gag that would refer to a list of palindromes. Wow, being a dad, did ewe (you) ever think of this? Mom would have been proud of me for this gag.

I started writing at noon, but it took me to the eve to finish.

It’s a saga that I refer to, but wow it was just a deed that was tit for tat.

Count the palindromes.

Trump Challenges Biden To A Dick Measuring Contest

President Joe Biden’s campaign staff is scrambling to excuse the candidate from a golf contest against his 2024 opponent, former President Donald Trump.

The two presidential candidates clashed at their first debate of the cycle on June 27, where their skill at the gentleman’s sport became a point of contention.

“I just won two club championships, not even senior, two regular club championships,” Trump said on the debate stage in response to a question about his age and fitness. “To do that, you have to be quite smart, and you have to be able to hit the ball a long way. And I do it. He doesn’t do it.

“He can’t hit a ball 50 yards,” the former president continued. “He challenged me to a golf match. He can’t hit a ball 50 yards.”

Biden was quick to pick up the challenge.

“Look, I’d be happy to have a driving contest with him,” Biden said in response. “I got my handicap, which, when I was vice president, down to a 6.”

“And by the way, I told you before I’m happy to play golf if you carry your own bag. Think you can do it?”

This bravado from Biden echoes a post made to the president’s X account earlier in the year enthusiastically challenging Trump to face him on the links.

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Any man vs man contest is a dick measuring contest.

It turned out that Biden pussed out. I’ll cut him slack on his health, but he’s been a braggart all his life and now he gets called to the mat and can’t back up his bravado talk.

The real contest is who has the biggest balls here, and I’m going with Trump