Tag: humor

IBM Pays An Employee Who Called In Sick For 15 Years, Losers All Around

Ian Clifford, an IT guy for IBM, has been out sick since 2008 and is still collecting a paycheck.

Apparently back in the day, IBM’s British arm offered the mother-load of job perks.

Under Clifford’s health plan, if an employee becomes disabled for any reason while working for the company, the employee cannot be dismissed but cannot be forced to work either. Instead they will continue to receive their paycheck until recovery, retirement, or death if earlier, to be paid at 75% of agreed earnings

Clifford was hired at £72,037 ($90,221) per year, so since becoming disabled, he’s been making £54028 ($67,667) per year. Clifford will receive this salary for 30 years for a grand total of £1.5 million ($1.88 million): not a bad haul for doing nothing.

Go read the whole thing

Harvard scholars: Marriage makes women happier and healthier – Yes, but it makes their husbands way more miserable

First of all, it is a study from Harvard, the most overrated study hall in the country. Since it only talks about the girls, it’s only half of the story, so I’ll fill in the details.

There is no making girls happy. If they are, it won’t last long and the next crisis has already left the train station and is arriving soon. That means the husbands are taking the toll on this one. Men don’t have a chance unless you totally don’t give a shit when she’s mad (This guys is the key to marriage)

Here is an excerpt and a link below, but I discount everything Harvard says as their woke policies have bred mediocrity.

Married women ‘had lower risk of cardiovascular disease, less depression and loneliness, were happier and more optimistic, and had a greater sense of purpose and hope’

Marriage positively affects women’s mental and physical health, which can lead to long-term health benefits, according to a recent study published in the journal Global Epidemiology.

Led by a team of Harvard researchers, the study examined over 11,830 American female nurses who took different marital pathways and assessed how their lives turned out over a 25-year span.

It found that those who got married “had lower mortality, lower risks of cardiovascular diseases, greater psychological wellbeing and less psychological distress,” the study’s summary states.

Moreover, researchers found that those who got divorced or separated had “greater psychosocial distress, and possibly greater risks of mortality, cardiovascular diseases, and smoking.”

Ying Chen, a research associate with the Human Flourishing Program at the Harvard Institute for Quantitative Social Science, told The College Fix in an email this week that “Marriage remains an important source of social support for many people.”

“Our results are consistent with the existing literature suggesting that, on average, [marriage] contributes to better health and wellbeing,” Chen said.

I bet the husband’s cardiovascular health went down the toilet because there is no report on that from Harvard.

I’m guessing the men are now drinking a whole lot more.

Don’t forget the joke about why Jewish men die early, they want to.

link

May The Fourth Be With…Well, Not Everyone

I think they can’t see or there is some defect in the clones. Storm Troopers went from deadly, murderous villains doing the work of the evil Lord Vader, to the 3 stooges who couldn’t hit Han Solo or Luke in a hallway a few feet wide in the prison cell.

It went downhill from there.

Changing The Law For Ex-Presidents – Look Out Bubba Clinton

There are two sets of rules, one for democrats and one for everyone else. Trump got charged with a felony that is a misdemeanor throughout history. Whether he cheated or not may never be known. We know that Billy the raper was a tremendous horn dog.

What makes it fun as Trump’s charges wer a payoff for sex as told by the press and the indictment. I wonder how Clinton is feeling other than knowing they are above the law.

Well Bubba, we’ll see if the law is fair to all.

Murphy’s Mother’s Laws

Another long lost post.

Murphy’s mothers laws

  • Mothers only offer advice on two occasions: when you want it and when you don’t..
  • A mother’s love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper.
  • Your mother is the only person that knows more about you than you know about yourself.
  • Any time you are unable to solve a problem, ask your mother. She probably won’t know either, but she will fake it.
  • Maternal instinct is stronger than any force known except an IRS collection agent.
  • The more you try to stay on your mother’s good side the harder it will be to figure out which side this is.
  • The nicer a mother is, the greater the probability that her kids are rotten.
  • If you can’t remember whether or not you called your mother, you didn’t.
  • The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you.
  • If you forget, mom will remind you of all your mistakes so you don’t repeat them.
  • Anything you do can be criticized by your mother – even doing nothing.
  • Never criticize your mother’s cooking if you expect to get any more of it.
  • If you think you have any secrets from your mother, remember who has changed your diapers.
  • You can’t “out mother” your mother. Don’t even try.
  • Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it.
  • The harder you try to hide something from your mother, the more she resembles a webcam.
  • The older you are, the more you feel like a child around your mother.
  • All mother’s have a “How To” manual. That’s because they wrote the book.
  • Mother’s way is best. If you don’t believe it, ask her.
  • Everything is a good idea till you mother finds out and tells you why it isn’t.
  • One mother is company, two is a psychic reading, three is a hen party, four is a bridge club.
  • If you don’t have time to study the drivers’ manual, drive your mother somewhere and get a quick refresher course.
  • When you are broke, ask mom for a loan. She will help you remember what you wasted all your money on.
  • The more expensive the gift you give your mother, the longer she will “save” it before she uses it.
  • No matter how wrong you are, your mother will not hold it against you. She may remind you a number of times, but she will not hold it against you.
  • No matter how much you eat, you can never get so fat that mother will not offer you more food.
  • If a mother does not have an item, she will have the recipe or the directions.
  • The more times mother reminds you to take an umbrella, the greater the probability of rain.
  • Accomplishments are made possible by your mother – failures are your own fault.
  • Never forget who rocked you as a baby. That’s something else you will never be able to repay her for.
  • Mother can always tell you a better way to do something after you’ve already done it.
  • The longer it’s been since you cleaned house, the more likely it is that mother will visit.
  • No matter how small your mom is, she will always be bigger than you are.
  • The more you detest an item that belongs to your mother, the more likely it is that she will try to give it to you.
  • If you do it yourself, mom could have done it better. If mom does it, you should have done it yourself.
  • You never are as good as other people’s children. You are never as bad as mom imagines.
  • The only thing more accurate than a mother’s advice is her memory of the times you didn’t take it.
  • The funnier the joke is, the more likely mom will think it is dirty.
  • Never tell your mother you have nothing to do. She can always find something.
  • If the job of a mother is going smoothly, she thinks she isn’t doing it well.
  • There are always two sides to a story – the way it really happened and the way mother remembers it.
  • Mothers always “know.” We don’t know how – they just do.
  • Murphy’s mother told him so.

This article was written by Sheila Moss, from Humor Columnist.Com and copied with her permission.
Copyright 2001 Sheila Moss

  • a child will never ask Mom to get something until she sits down.
    Corollary – a child will only ask for a glass of milk after you put the milk carton back in the refrigerator.
    Sent by Lexia Gibson
  • Call your Mom
    Sent by Nikki Hubbell-VanHoosear
  • If your kid grows up to be like you its an insult, not to you, to the kid
    Sent by Mohammed Ram jackson
  • You can fool some people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, but you can’t fool Mum
    Sent by Meself
  • Small, teething children will chew on the most valuable thing within reach. The same goes for puppies and juvenile tigers, bears, or crocodiles.
    Sent by -?Anonymous!
  • If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.

Stuff You Need To Know, To Know Everything

I lost a year and a half of posts when I switched from blogger to WordPress. I’ll post some of the stuff mostly to get it on record.

December 28th, 2006 by jsimonds

“Stewardesses”  is the longest word typed with only the left hand and “lollipop”  with your right.   (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn’t  you?)

No  word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or  purple.

“Dreamt”  is the only English word that ends in the letters  “mt”. (Are  you doubting this?)

Our  eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears  never stop growing.

The  sentence: “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every  letter of the alphabet. (Now,  you KNOW you’re going to try this out for accuracy,  right?)

The  words ‘racecar,’ ‘kayak’ and ‘level’ are the same whether they are  read left to right or right to left  (palindromes).(Yep,  I knew you were going to “do” this one.)

There  are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”:  tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and  hazardous.  (You’re  not doubting this, are you?)

There  are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in  order: “abstemious” and “facetious.”(Yes,  admit it, you are going to say . a e i o  u)

TYPEWRITER  is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one  row of the keyboard.(All  you typists are going to test this  out)

A  cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A  “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a  second.

A  shark is the only fish that can blink with both  eyes.

A  snail can sleep for three years.(I  know some people that could do this too.)

Almonds  are a member of the peach family.

An  ostrich’s eye is bigger than its  brain.

Babies  are born without kneecaps They don’t appear until the child  reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February  1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full  moon

In  the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been  domesticated.

If  the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of  the rate of reproduction.

Leonardo  Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Peanuts  are one of the ingredients of  dynamite!

Rubber  bands last longer when refrigerated.

The  average person’s left hand does 56% of the  typing.

The  cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel  that it burns.

The  microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube  and a chocolate bar melted in his  pocket.(Good  thing he did that)

The  winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara  Falls froze completely solid.

There  are more chickens than people in the  world.

Winston  Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a  dance.

Women  blink nearly twice as much as men.

Now you know everything you need to know.

The Real Difference Between Men And Women

My friend Joel Hagberg told me about this. With all the crap news going on, here’s a little (a lot of) humor.

In the current day when we have a Supreme Court Justice who can’t define what a woman is until there is a man involved, I have an easy test.

Here is the answer. Men think the 3 Stooges are funny. Yes, we can watch it and die laughing. Girls don’t get why we think it’s so funny.

Here’s a clip to make it easy. Separate 2 eggs is completely different for males and females, click to find out.

I for one find it hilarious.

Forking Iceholes

Covid brought out the worst in some people. I got yelled at for riding bikes with a group of people by a Karen in a car. I said thank you out loud and fork you to myself.

Gilligan’s Island, The Epitaph

It was a good TV show when I was a kid. My Mom dreaded that I watched such nonsense and that it would certainly ruin me. I didn’t get any smarter by watching the show. It provided me with clean entertainment as compared to the woke TV the kids get now.

There were some things that didn’t make sense.

The professor could charge batteries for their radio by stirring coconuts, but couldn’t fix the Minnow?

Finally, my answer. It was Ginger, My how things have changed…

She’s the only one of the cast left

Two New Dating Services For Very Distinct And Rare Groups – Unjected And……….

This one is the joke, the next isn’t. She married her brother and hates the USA.

Now for the real one.

Given the deaths of young men and the fertility killing Covid kill shot, some people not only won’t get jabbed, but don’t want to date those who were lemmings. I admit it’s a tangential IQ test. If you got one, you failed science and critical thinking classes. I understand why you should question those who did.

It’s called Unjected. At least you know your partner won’t be infertile because of a gene therapy shot and has a chance at reproduction. They won’t die early because of Myocarditis or unnatural cancer either.

Not that I’ve been in the dating pool for a while, but I’d consider this one.

Here’s a screenshot.

What I find the most ironic is that Covid used to be a pandemic of the “unvaccinated”. Those people were the pariah’s of the world because they wouldn’t line up like sheep for slaughter.

Now, the science is proving what some of us thought all along. Elon Musk says the evidence will be out soon, not that I expect anyone to believe it who got the clot shot. They have to worry the rest of their lives as to what is going to happen.

What Happens To Guys When It Gets Cold

Double bonus here, it makes fun of vegetarians. No one is buying Beyond Meats as their stock is falling. I guess it tastes like it looks.

Even the companies don’t know if their meat is safe to eat

Lab-grown meat is often made using immortalized cell lines, which, unlike regular cells, are capable of continuously dividing and growing in a manner similar to cancer cells, according to Bloomberg. Companies developing lab-grown meats have largely remained silent about the connection between their product and cancer cells, possibly in a bid to keep consumers from getting skittish about their products.

Dick Jokes, If Told By A Girl

I bet she’d want to write her name in the snow and on the wall too.

As for me, I can’t get them to fit as the hole is too small, but I imagine I could fit a dozen or so (only if I smashed them flat together)

This is how it is being a man. It’s much more than donuts. We hang towels also.

And this is how we do it, and stuff all guys know.

but first, you have to know the guy rules we knew when we were born

My Childish Humor Strikes Again

Oh yes, I could say it with a straight face, depending on the other person. I just texted my friend George that there were a lot of balls to juggle, instead balls in the air.

I still call them wiener’s if there is a chance the other person will feel uncomfortable.

Hat tip to wirecutter on this one. It was too good to not share.

Making Childish Jokes About Lawyer’s Names

You have to know Phil McCraken is a butt crack joke. Hiscock should have just changed his name

For all the names, here is your song that says them all. Seymour Butts, Jack N. Off, Stu Pedaso…their all in here

I’m looking for a big dick smoker.

The Webb Space Telescope Finds Romulan Neutral Zone

I’m sure it’s one of the wide diversity of galaxies at the beginning of the universe. If you see one of these buried in the pictures below, run. Look for a cloaking device also.

Actually, it the telescope took excellent photos from a long time ago.

New data from the Webb Space Telescope and presented this week at an astronomy conference has found that galaxies in the early universe exhibit much of the same range of shapes and morphologies seen in the recent universe, a result that was not expected.

The image to the right comes from the press release. You can read the research paper here [pdf].

The study examined 850 galaxies at redshifts of z three through nine, or as they were roughly 11-13 billion years ago. Associate Professor Jeyhan Kartaltepe from Rochester Institute of Technology’s School of Physics and Astronomy said that JWST’s ability to see faint high redshift galaxies in sharper detail than Hubble allowed the team of researchers to resolve more features and see a wide mix of galaxies, including many with mature features such as disks and spheroidal components.

“There have been previous studies emphasizing that we see a lot of galaxies with disks at high redshift, which is true, but in this study we also see a lot of galaxies with other structures, such as spheroids and irregular shapes, as we do at lower redshifts,” said Kartaltepe, lead author on the paper and CEERS co-investigator. “This means that even at these high redshifts, galaxies were already fairly evolved and had a wide range of structures.”

The results of the study, which have been posted to ArXiv and accepted for publication in The Astrophysical Journal, demonstrate JWST’s advances in depth, resolution, and wavelength coverage compared to Hubble. Out of the 850 galaxies used in the study that were previously identified by Hubble, 488 were reclassified with different morphologies after being shown in more detail with JWST. Kartaltepe said scientists are just beginning to reap the benefits of JWST’s impressive capabilities and are excited by what forthcoming data will reveal.

“This tells us that we don’t yet know when the earliest galaxy structures formed,” said Kartaltepe. “We’re not yet seeing the very first galaxies with disks. We’ll have to examine a lot more galaxies at even higher redshifts to really quantify at what point in time features like disks were able to form.”

In other words, it appears galaxies of all shapes, as we see them today, already existed 11-13 billion years ago, shortly after the universe was born. This defies most theories about the formation of the universe, which predict that these early galaxies would be different than today’s.

The data however at this point is sparse. Webb has only begun this work, and as Kartaltepe notes, they need to look a lot more galaxies.

Courtesy of Behind the Black

Somewhere There Is A Teenager Naming His Johnson After This

The jokes about eating write themselves now.

A lot of men have a name for their dicks. I’ve heard endless versions. Some are more creative than others.

Everyone copied theirs from someone else except my friend Mitchell. His was the Mighty Throbber.