When I was younger, I was out with some friends. We were eating oysters and drinking pitchers of beer (no Bud Light back then, I’m that old). I slurped down an oyster and my buddy’s girlfriend comes out with this beauty. Now you know what it is like to swallow.
Oysters were never the same for me again.
I guess this makes more sense if you are an English speaker, but punctuation matters in every language.
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Once again, the travails of wedded bliss. Meagan Sparkles makes both of my posts, a double loser today. A couple of good argument ones also.
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That says it all.
My friends George and Rick are specialists at this first one. The last one is both of them also.
Well, they were up front about what the entertainment was going to entail. I bet Shirley is a lot of fun
I’ve known this for a long time. I actually like the taste of mineral water, but realized a while back that it has C02 in it when I bought a Soda Stream. It uses C02 tanks. It’s good for the plants so good for the environment.
Now it comes out that that the climatards just figured this out. Bear in mind that Perrier and San Pelagrino have been around well before these weenies were born and there wasn’t a climate problem.
It’s the little victories that count. I find it funny every time I can do something they get upset about, especially when they are wrong. They are in it to ruin our lives and pimp us for more money.
I’ll be toasting to Al Gore when I have a glass tonight.
Now Mineral Water Has Also Become a “Climate Killer”
In the joint large-scale undertaking of an informal ideological Stasi made up of scientists, NGOs and state-related institutions to scour the entire everyday life of Germans for climate-damaging consumption habits and behavior in order to feed the results of the political decision-making process for the gradual implementation of a totalitarian climate dictatorship, no area of life and no detail is spared: The “non-profit” association “a tip:tap” recently commissioned a remarkable study on the climate damage caused by sparkling water. Somebody must have noticed that sparkling water equals carbon dioxide equals CO2 — which is essential for life (on Earth), but deemed a “climate killer” and thus as a trace gas, an alleged “environmental toxin”, for whose symbolic “reduction” Germany is wildly prepared to sacrifice its civilizational prosperity.
The result of the study followed as expected: it now also declares drinking mineral water to be a climate sin. Because: Its consumption in Germany consumes around 1.5 times as much CO2 as the entire domestic German air traffic, calculate the green flunky scientists. Even during its production, mineral water requires many more process steps than tap water because it has to be cleaned after treatment and bottled under higher standards. In addition, the production of the bottles, the transport to the supermarket and the way home from there drive emissions even further up. Overall, according to the study, mineral water produces 202.74 g of CO2 equivalents per liter — tap water, on the other hand, only 0.35 g. This means that still water performs around 586 times better than bottled mineral water.
Inquisition and abjuration mechanisms
Extrapolated to the annual consumption in Germany, which is currently 181.4 liters per capita, and a population of over 83 million, this would add up to three million tons of CO2. Of course: an intolerable situation! The green regulators and prohibition high priests are in demand! Therefore — and in order to promote a climate-friendly way of life — the association logically calls for a switch to consumption limited solely to tap water. Support for this next plan for paternalism and restricting freedom comes from the radical left-wing ZDF [public broadcaster] dirt-slinger Jan Böhmermann: He had already taken up the issue in a typical agitprop manner and also used the opportunity to launch one of his slanderous sweeping attacks — this time against the water provider and well builder “Viva con Agua”.
Among other things, Böhmermann complained that the company not only dared to produce mineral water, but also had no workers’ council and paid its employees too poorly. According to today’s inquisition and abjuration mechanisms, ”Viva con Agua” immediately rolled over and publicly announced that they would fully support drinking more tap water in Germany in the future. The company management also bowed and submissively justified itself that the employees in the filling plant had not previously asked for the formation of a workers’ council and were paid according to the applicable industry standards. This climate of high-handed public accusations and flaunted remorse, along with a bad conscience, does not bode well: It is not impossible that the Greens will start a campaign for a mineral water ban and order the future consumption of only tap water — or better yet, collected rainwater. [And I’m pretty sure that people will have to pay for that water according to the yearly rainfall, and I’m pretty sure that Coca-Cola will be exempt from this madness, too.]
There is more at the link above, but I think you get the drift
It’s a two way street. One is not better or worse than the other. It’s a game of survival
This isn’t what would be said. I’ve seen them pass a baby out of their coochie. I can’t compete with that.
Lorena Bobbitt comes to mind. I’m pretty sure it was a female that was in charge of this one.
I was always Team Captain America anyway.
This is my 2000th post, although WordPress lost a couple of years of my stuff when I migrated from Blogger.
First of all, it is a study from Harvard, the most overrated study hall in the country. Since it only talks about the girls, it’s only half of the story, so I’ll fill in the details.
There is no making girls happy. If they are, it won’t last long and the next crisis has already left the train station and is arriving soon. That means the husbands are taking the toll on this one. Men don’t have a chance unless you totally don’t give a shit when she’s mad (This guys is the key to marriage)
Here is an excerpt and a link below, but I discount everything Harvard says as their woke policies have bred mediocrity.
Married women ‘had lower risk of cardiovascular disease, less depression and loneliness, were happier and more optimistic, and had a greater sense of purpose and hope’
Marriage positively affects women’s mental and physical health, which can lead to long-term health benefits, according to a recent study published in the journal Global Epidemiology.
Led by a team of Harvard researchers, the study examined over 11,830 American female nurses who took different marital pathways and assessed how their lives turned out over a 25-year span.
It found that those who got married “had lower mortality, lower risks of cardiovascular diseases, greater psychological wellbeing and less psychological distress,” the study’s summary states.
Moreover, researchers found that those who got divorced or separated had “greater psychosocial distress, and possibly greater risks of mortality, cardiovascular diseases, and smoking.”
Ying Chen, a research associate with the Human Flourishing Program at the Harvard Institute for Quantitative Social Science, told The College Fix in an email this week that “Marriage remains an important source of social support for many people.”
“Our results are consistent with the existing literature suggesting that, on average, [marriage] contributes to better health and wellbeing,” Chen said.
I bet the husband’s cardiovascular health went down the toilet because there is no report on that from Harvard.
I’m guessing the men are now drinking a whole lot more.
Don’t forget the joke about why Jewish men die early, they want to.
Since my most clicked on post ever is Euphemisms for Stupid, I like this one. That post sat on top of Google at #1 for years as the list of how to call someone stupid.
Yep, this guy is fucked for a while. Men like sports. Shopping isn’t a sport.
At least Al Bundy got it right on shoes. Oh wait, this isn’t PC anymore. I hope some snowflake doesn’t experience any micro aggression.
Perhaps not the highest IQ on this one, but it’s as good as it’s going to get as I’m running low on content.
I think they can’t see or there is some defect in the clones. Storm Troopers went from deadly, murderous villains doing the work of the evil Lord Vader, to the 3 stooges who couldn’t hit Han Solo or Luke in a hallway a few feet wide in the prison cell.
It went downhill from there.
No way the guy that named the streets wasn’t a Trekkie. There are days I wish I had his job.
stolen from Woosterman.
I don’t even know if this is real, but if it is he’s clever. Medically, it’s called priapism.
Another long lost post.
Murphy’s mothers laws
This article was written by Sheila Moss, from Humor Columnist.Com and copied with her permission.
Copyright 2001 Sheila Moss
I lost a year and a half of posts when I switched from blogger to WordPress. I’ll post some of the stuff mostly to get it on record.
December 28th, 2006 by jsimonds
“Stewardesses” is the longest word typed with only the left hand and “lollipop” with your right. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn’t you?)
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”. (Are you doubting this?)
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
The sentence: “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you’re going to try this out for accuracy, right?)
The words ‘racecar,’ ‘kayak’ and ‘level’ are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).(Yep, I knew you were going to “do” this one.)
There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You’re not doubting this, are you?)
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: “abstemious” and “facetious.”(Yes, admit it, you are going to say . a e i o u)
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.(All you typists are going to test this out)
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.(I know some people that could do this too.)
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.(Good thing he did that)
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Now you know everything you need to know.
I hate hotels. It is a petri dish of other people’s germs and the usual lack of fastidiousness by the cleaning crew.
I thought this was funny though. My favorite part of any hotel stay is leaving. Here is a parting gift.
My friend Joel Hagberg told me about this. With all the crap news going on, here’s a little (a lot of) humor.
In the current day when we have a Supreme Court Justice who can’t define what a woman is until there is a man involved, I have an easy test.
Here is the answer. Men think the 3 Stooges are funny. Yes, we can watch it and die laughing. Girls don’t get why we think it’s so funny.
Here’s a clip to make it easy. Separate 2 eggs is completely different for males and females, click to find out.
I for one find it hilarious.
The best I could do on my own was a dog taking a dump in the background. A lot of people have that. I’ve never made expert.
You tell me because I was never in a gang. I’ve found the other and had to explain it to kids during the sex talk.
For people trying to get a job or increase business, it might be a valuable platform.
Unfortunately, it is still social media that is trying to be politically correct. I ran across this article so that you get a feel for what Cringe is.
One of the funniest running jokes on Twitter is people trolling cringey LinkedIn newsfeed content: humble brags, faux inspiration, hustle porn, buzzwords galore and more.
A Twitter search for “linkedin cringe” returns an endless scroll of hilarity:
Here’s a representative tweet that blew up last week. Someone posted a photo of a “resilient” tree, which prompted a perfect response that notched 430k+ likes: “Gonna be hell when LinkedIn finds out about this tree.”
What is in the DNA of LinkedIn that leads to such predictably cringe content?
To answer the question, I read a bunch of forums, articles and great insights from the LinkedIn Engineering Blog. I think the cringe is due to 3 factors:
My least favorite version of Trung is “CV Trung”. By this, I mean the way I write about myself and career on my resume.
Why? Because CV Trung is a knob.
Here are some actual bullet points from my most up-to-date resume, circa 2019: (comments in bold)
Humans don’t talk like this. Half of this isn’t even true!
What is going on?
Canadian sociologist Erving Goffman has the answer: in a book called The Presentation of Self in Every Day Life, Goffman posits that every person goes through life wearing many “masks”, like an actor in a theater play.
Most people are different personalities at work vs. home vs. happy hour. People wear these different masks to impress or avoid embarrassment with different audiences.
Back to LinkedIn. It’s your online resume and directly tied to your identity.
The setup forces everyone on the site to basically wear the professional “CV mask” of their personality.
Bland. Buzzwords. Inoffensive. A little exaggeration. Self-promotional (but not too much). Desperate to impress.
CV Trung if I could grow facial hair (via @StateOfLinkedIn)
As a professional social network, LinkedIn has the cringe built in. The platform also prompts cringey engagement activity like:
This is not how normal people interact! I’ve literally never uttered the words “workvesary” out of my mouth (and have no idea what it sounds like).
Case in point:
Whenever someone strays from the “CV Mask” and gives an honest take, it resonates:
(L to R, clockwise): An honest consultant, my “education” section and Conan O’Brien’s very funny “test score”
Having said all that, LinkedIn’s mission is to “connect the world’s professionals to make them more productive and successful”. As we’ll see, the site has been able to do that for many of its 800m+ users…cringe or no cringe.
MY RESPONSE AND TROLL
I already troll LinkedIn by changing my profile. My college went woke. I am so ashamed of them for what they represent that I changed it to Faber, of Animal House fame. No one noticed, but I don’t get any college links anymore, so there is the silver lining.
I decided to engage in the cringe by posting a false invention to detect both that and Sh*t posts. There already is an app that does this, so I made up my own. It’s just cringe stuff that is deep in sarcasm for those who troll my page and try to market unwanted advice to me. It’s working well as I’m being left alone. I haven’t done what my career was for years anyway.
Here’s a sample: Helped change the course of the future with the invention of the Revalvitating Capitulator. A vital component in the development and distribution of LinkedIn cringe.
I even used the cringe generator and got this:
And a special shout out to Alex Cohen, who has turned long-form LinkedIn shitposting into an art:
In the end, it’s just another social media fail, but at least there is fun in it for those who recognize sarcasm. I troll it now in my profile because it went woke a while ago. I don’t even bother posting or liking except to very few people that I had a real connection with in the past.
Like most of Social Media, it’s a time suck. Cringe beats woke every time.
It wouldn’t be as good as flying, but changing colors would almost as good as shape shifting.
Unfortunately, I’m good at that, unfortunately. The title was coined by Ben Greene at CORE International, now defunct.
When you have to get a colonoscopy, I’d rather just eat there than drink that nasty sauce. The result is the same.
This is my favorite. You tried and then it is the other person’s turn or you get forgotten. I don’t think you even have to be an introvert to do this one.
Double bonus here, it makes fun of vegetarians. No one is buying Beyond Meats as their stock is falling. I guess it tastes like it looks.
Even the companies don’t know if their meat is safe to eat
Lab-grown meat is often made using immortalized cell lines, which, unlike regular cells, are capable of continuously dividing and growing in a manner similar to cancer cells, according to Bloomberg. Companies developing lab-grown meats have largely remained silent about the connection between their product and cancer cells, possibly in a bid to keep consumers from getting skittish about their products.
From my childhood, being a Looney Tunes aficionado. The episode is called Bully for Bugs. Classic line, Stop steaming up my tail and of course, you know this means war.
I bet she’d want to write her name in the snow and on the wall too.
As for me, I can’t get them to fit as the hole is too small, but I imagine I could fit a dozen or so (only if I smashed them flat together)
This is how it is being a man. It’s much more than donuts. We hang towels also.
And this is how we do it, and stuff all guys know.
but first, you have to know the guy rules we knew when we were born
Another childhood book, like revenge of the tiger, but Claude Balls; Yellow River by I P Freely….there are hundreds of them
Hat tip to wirecutter.
Oh yes, I could say it with a straight face, depending on the other person. I just texted my friend George that there were a lot of balls to juggle, instead balls in the air.
I still call them wiener’s if there is a chance the other person will feel uncomfortable.
Hat tip to wirecutter on this one. It was too good to not share.
You have to know Phil McCraken is a butt crack joke. Hiscock should have just changed his name
For all the names, here is your song that says them all. Seymour Butts, Jack N. Off, Stu Pedaso…their all in here
Again from Wirecutter.
I hate stuff like this. It’s like a picture that is crooked or one cord shorter than the other.
Delusions of Adequacy 