Tag: funny

Would Never Happen In Florida

I swear, as soon as I cross the state line, the driving gets worse immediately. The minute I see a Florida plate in my state, it’s a bad driver about to do something stupid.

They are so afraid of someone else getting 1 inch ahead of them that they do everything they can to screw you from getting in the lane.

Pa. Farm Show Mullet Contest: Meet this year’s champions and see the Best In Grow

Over a hundred contestants, and dozens more eager onlookers, crowded the Main Hall Stage area of the Farm Show for the inaugural Pennsylvania’s Preferred Mullet Contest.

The event was held in the morning of Jan. 8, with over 60 contestants in the Under 18 category, and more than two dozen in both the Over 18 and Throw Back category – the latter being photos submitted electronically, and eligible from any time in the past.

Madison Shaw, main hall assistant manager with the Farm Show, hadn’t expected quite such a big turnout, but overall the contest “went much better than I expected,” she said.

The contestants seemed happy to participate and celebrate the hairstyle they’ve all committed to so eagerly. One after another they strode onto the stage, flipping their hair, flexing their muscles, and throwing up the rock-and-roll horns

There were mullets with long, straight hair and mullets with lots of curls; some had designs shaved into their sides, or styled the “business” side of things in the front or on top. Thin mustaches were popular among those old enough to grow them, as were the Pit Viper style sunglasses.

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For The 666 Girls Who Want Everything From A Guy (Get’s Put In Her Place)

In case you don’t know, these are the ones who want a 6 foot (or taller) man making six figures with a greater than 6″ dick.

Here’s the other side of the story

From the internet:

They want you to be in shape, have a great personality, make them laugh, message first, be tall, have a beard, have tattoos, play guitar, be sensitive, be a man “no bois plz”, they don’t want one night stands or players, but also nothing serious, let’s see what happens, don’t want kids, vegan, yoga, traveling EVERYBODY WANTS TO TRAVEL YOU ****, TRAVELING DOESN’T MAKE YOU SPECIAL OR INTERESTING, DO YOU EVEN HAVE A PERSONALITY? OR DO YOU JUST REPEAT THE SAME F*****G S**T AS EVERYONE ELSE BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT TO BE EXPOSED AS A COMPLETE F*****G VOID OF A PERSON!!!??

Every woman online thinks she deserves a prince, but very few of them care about being the sort of princess a prince would be proud to carry back to his palace.

And the clincher, I remembered this, but it still applies.

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

A girl on a dating site posted this one below.

I’m going to be honest of what I’m going to say here.

I’m 25 this year. I’m very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above.

You might say that I’m greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York.

My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married?

I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you?

Among those I’ve dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit.

If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden(?), $250k annual income is not enough.

I’m here humbly to ask a few questions:

1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches are only average-looking? I’ve met a few girls who don’t have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys.
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)
Ms. Pretty

Dimon’s reply.

Dear Ms. Pretty,
I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyze your situation as a professional investor.

My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I’m not wasting time here.

From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain.

Put the details aside, what you’re trying to do is an exchange of “beauty” and “money” : Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square.

However, there’s a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can’t be prettier year after year.

Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It’s not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worse 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a “trading position”.

If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term – same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or “leased”.

Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income.This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps.

signed,
J.P. Morgan CEO

How To Punk LinkedIn – Viral Post Generator

People are always bragging or taking credit for jobs they should be doing anyway, like this:

 

Here’s a post generator that makes up stuff for you (link below). I put random stuff in it to get this:

. 

You put anything in and pick the level of cringe that you want. It even adds (I guess) fake people who liked it to give you cred when you post it.

Link

Go ahead and punk LinkedIn

It’s A Dog’s Life

 

I got good response on my dog, Boxer Rebellion as well as my interview series, so I thought I’d interview her by describing her day.

Here’s how it goes…..

Wake up, Oh boy, it’s Christmas day, every day! my favorite!
Go for a walk, Oh boy! my favorite!
Eat Dog Food, Oh boy! my favorite!
Play with my toys, Oh Boy! my favorite!
Bark at the kids leaving for school, Oh boy! my favorite!
Nap, Oh boy! my favorite!
Lunch with Dad, maybe some people food, Oh boy! my favorite!
Go for a walk, Oh boy! my favorite!
Bark at the mailman, Oh boy! my favorite!
Kids come home from school, Oh boy! my favorite!
Nap, Oh boy! my favorite!
If I’m good, I get a treat, Oh boy! my favorite!
Dog food, Oh boy! my favorite!
Bark and play with my toys, Oh boy! my favorite!
Go for a walk, Oh boy! my favorite!
Time for bed, sleep on Dad, Oh boy! my favorite!

Obviously Small Penis Syndrome

Oklahoma law enforcement officer David Dewitt is on the wrong side of the law after an alleged sex toy store fight.

The Pottawatomie County sheriff’s commander was charged with assault and battery after an alleged incident in Oklahoma City at Christie’s Toy Box, according to Fox25.

Dewitt allegedly entered the store with a woman and repeatedly argued with her when she wanted to purchase something…..for possibly the funniest reason imaginable.

The issue was the main sex toy in question the woman wanted was “bigger than him.”

That led to Dewitt allegedly raising his hands in threatening fashion, and a clerk intervened. The Oklahoma LEO responded by stating, “Fuck you, I’m a cop.”

Eventually, the situation cooled down before eventually going off the rails when the clerk asked Dewitt if he needed batteries for the sex toy, according to the same report.

Dewitt allegedly asked the clerk, “What the f**k you say to me, fat boy?” He then allegedly attacked the clerk and repeatedly struck him in the face and ribs.

He was eventually arrested but not before telling the clerk, “Call the f*cking cops. I’m an officer of the law. You don’t f*cking assault me. I can have you arrested, jailed to where you never get out.”

Yes, threatening a guy with life in prison after allegedly beating the hell out of him over a sex toy. Very rational, normal and calm.

Story here

Not This Year Santa, Not After All The Other Reindeer Were Jerks

Women’s Soccer Team Gets Destroyed By Fourth-Tier Men, LGBT’ers Say They Should Learn To Get Over Getting Their Asses Kicked

A women’s soccer team was pumped to play a fourth-tier men’s team until the most predictable result happened. It was the same result when the women’s Olympic Soccer team lost to some 15 year old high schoolers in a prep match.

This was followed by this sage advice:

Latest queer advice: Women should ‘learn to lose gracefully’ to trans athletes

Trans are men, so it’s the same thing.

The president of the National Women’s Law Center said on Tuesday during congressional testimony that women should “learn to lose gracefully” to transsexual competitors.

Fatima Goss Graves spoke during the hearing on “The Importance of Protecting Female Athletics and Title IX” held by the House Oversight Committee’s Subcommittee on Health Care and Financial Services. “Trans students participate in sports for the same reasons as [other] kids,” Graves claimed.

“Because it is fun, because it creates belonging, community, because it teaches so much about persistence, leadership and discipline, and last, they learn to lose gracefully and often, win with dignity,” Graves continued.

I get the feeling that the ladies are getting the short end of the stick on this one from everyone.

In related news: Transgender (Bio Male) Cyclists Place 1-2 in Major Women’s Cycling Competition

Chopsticks In His Brain, Alcohol Was Involved

A pounding headache led to a shocking discovery for a man in Vietnam, after the source of the pain was revealed to be a pair of chopsticks. 

After the man experienced severe headaches for five months, doctors at Cuba Friendship Hospital in Dong Hoi told the 35-year-old man that he had a pair of chopsticks lodged inside his skull, according to the New York Post.  

Upon checking into the hospital on Nov. 25, a CT scan revealed that the man was suffering from a rare, potentially life-threatening neurological condition that was caused by the pair of chopsticks that had allegedly gone up his nose and into his brain. 

The Post reported that while the man was initially surprised at how chopsticks ended up inside his skull, he soon remembered a fight he was involved in while out drinking five months prior.

Full Story

Euphemisms for Stupid

This is the first update in a while, but it was well worth it.  If I missed one, please comment and I’ll include it.

If one of these offends you, take the complaints elsewhere, I’m the one that got dissed here.

A beer short of a six pack
A brick short of a load
A couple of eggs shy of a dozen
A couple of gallons short of a full tank
A few ants short of a picnic
A few beers short of a six-pack
A few bricks short of a pile
A few bricks short of a wall
A few cards short of a deck
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few feathers short of a whole duck
A few fries short of a Happy Meal
A few peas short of a casserole
A few tomatoes short of a good thick sauce

A few soldier short of a squad
A few trucks short of a convoy
A fortune cookie short of a Chinese dinner
A pepperoni short of a pizza
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on
A sandwich short of a picnic
A train short of a full service?
About as bright as a burnt out 20 watt light bulb.
About as useful as a chocolate fireguard
Ah say, that boy reminds me of Paul Revere’s ride; a little light in the
belfry
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
An intellect rivalled only by garden tools
As much use as a hedgehog in a condom factory
As much use as an ashtray on a motorcycle
As quick as a tortoise on Prozac
As smart as bait

As smart as Joe Biden
As useful as a screen door on a submarine
As useful as a wooden frying pan
As useful as tits on a bull
Body by God, Mind by Mattel.
Bright as Alaska in December
Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

Could screw up a one car funeral
Doesn’t have both oars in the water
Doesn’t have all his corn flakes in one box
Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash
Doesn’t have all the dots on his dice
Donated his body to science before he was done using it
Dumb as a corn cob.
Dumb as a stump.
Dumber than a bag of hammers.
Dumber than a bag of rocks

Dumber than a lobotomized rock

Elevator don’t quiet make the top floor
Fell out of the family tree
Forgot to pay his brain bill
Goes surfing in Nebraska
Golf bag doesn’t have a full set of irons
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together
Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t watching
Gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than a normal ignoramus
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt

This is the one —> Has delusions of adequacy.

Has two brains, one’s lost and the other is out looking for it
Having an intelligence rivalled only by garden tools.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
He had a little too much chlorine in his gene pool.
He is so dumb, he would look for a wishbone in a soft-boiled egg.
He is so dumb, the only thing he ever read was an eye-chart.
He played too much without a helmet
He’s got a mind like a steel trap, rusted shut
He’s got a leak in his think-tank
He’s got a mind like a steel sieve
He’s got his feet firmly planted 3 feet above the ground
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer
He’s so dense light bends around him
He’s so dumb he couldn’t pour the water out of a boot if the instructions
were on the heel
His belt doesn’t go through all the loops
His cheese has slipped off his cracker

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork
His porch light ain’t on
I say, that boy is about as sharp as a sack of wet mice
If brains were chocolate – he wouldn’t have enough to fill an M&M
If brains were dynamite – he wouldn’t have enough to blow his nose
If brains were dynamite, he wouldn’t have enough to blow his hat off
If brains were gasoline, he couldn’t ride a moped around a fruit loop
If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate
If he had a brain, he’d be dangerous
If he had another brain, it would be lonely
If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week
If stupid were a talent, he would be considered gifted

If stupid could fly, you’d be a jet.
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change back
If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean
Isn’t firing on all 6 cylinders
Isn’t firing on all thrusters
Its hard to believe that he beat out half a billion other sperm

If I wanted to kill myself I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ
Kangaroo loose in the top paddock
Like a pair of children’s scissors, bright and colorful, but not too sharp
Million dollar body and a 2 dollar engine.
Mind is in neutral, body is in gear
Mind like a rubber bear trap.
Needing a few screws tightened
Not firing with all spark plugs
Not the brightest light in the harbor
Not the brightest light on the Christmas tree
Not the sharpest hook in the tackle box.
Not the sharpest pencil in the box
Off his rocker
On/off switch is broken in the off position
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl
One neuron short of a synapse
One taco short of a combination plate
One turbine short of an airplane
One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests
Prime candidate for natural deselection
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
Requires directions to lay sod
Room temperature IQ
Running about a quart low
Running on empty
Sets the lowest possible goals, and consistently fails to achieve them.
Sharp as a bowling ball.
She is so dumb, she couldn’t tell which way an elevator was going if she
had two guesses.
She is so dumb, when I asked her to pass the plate, she said: “Upper or
lower?”
She’s not tied too tight to the pier
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled
Strong like bear, smart like tractor.
Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes
The elevator is stuck between floors.
The lights are flashing, the gate is down, but the train isn’t coming
The lights are on, but nobody is home.
The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead
Too dumb to pull his head in before he shuts the window
Too many yards between the goal posts
Two hub caps short of a Buick.
Warning – Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
Was left on the tilt-a-whirl too long as a baby
Would be out of her depth in a mud puddle.
Your the flower of my life (you blooming idiot)
You can’t call him an idiot, you’ll insult all the idiots in the world.

Your mouth is writing checks that your intellect cannot cash

“I’m not saying you’re the dumbest person in the world—but you better hope the dumbest person in the world doesn’t die.”

Surely your parents only met once. Money was involved; no more than a twenty. And they say she was dressed as a boy at the time.

One of my favorite Far Side Cartoon’s ever

Midvale School for the Gifted: Today's Government | Trade the Tape

Hung Like A Bat Bigger Than Hung Like A Horse

This is how you brag

When the male serotine bat’s penis is erect, it is “seven times longer and wider” than the female’s vagina, making intromission impossible. Instead, males have been found to use their penis as a “copulatory arm,” per the study.

I don’t recall that ever being a complaint about me.

How big is too big? Read here