Rules For Livin’ In The South

I’ve been around the world on business and pleasure.  I’ve witnessed many cultures and have adapted to their rules and etiquette.  I found this and thought it was funny.  It will help you when visiting the south.  If the SHTF, leave the city because you won’t last long.  They will survive and prosper during most crises just short of a nuclear attack.

Here goes:


If you are going to live, or visit  in the south, you need to know the rules.

In an effort to help outsiders  understand the rural Southerner’s mind, the

following list will be handed to  each person as they enter a Southern state.




1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do

all week at the gym.


2. It’s called a ‘gravel road.’ No matter how slow you drive, you’re going

to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way.


3. The red dirt – it’s called clay. Red clay. If you like the color, don’t

wash your car for a couple weeks – it’ll be permanent. The big lumps of it –

they’re called “clods.”


4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we

saw Bambi. We got over it.


5.  Any references to ‘corn fed’ when talking about our women will get you

whipped – by our women.


6. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don’t cry to us if a flathead

breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout

you fish for – bait.


7. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.


8. Men, if you want to wear earrings,  pierce your nose and what evers, and

wear your hair long, go right ahead –  but if we call you ma’am, don’t be



9. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final

approach, we will  shoot it. You might want to be sure it’s not up to your

ear at that  time.


10. That’s right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you

paid in the airport for one drink.


11. No, there’s no  ‘Vegetarian Special’ on the menu. Order steak. Order it

rare. Or, you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham

and turkey.


12. Tea – yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You

want it hot – sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened – add a lot of



13. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over



14. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car.  We’re real impressed. We have

a quarter of a million dollar combine that we  only use two weeks a year.


15. Let’s get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when

it’s red. We may even stop when it’s yellow.


16. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks – because they want to.  So,

you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute.


17. We eat dinner together with our families, we pray before we eat (yeah,

even breakfast), we  go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays, we go to high

school football games  on Friday nights, we still address our seniors with

‘yes, sir’ and ‘yes,  ma’am’, and we sometimes still take Sunday drives

around town to see friends  and neighbors.


18. We don’t do ‘hurry up’ well.


19. Greens – yeah, we have greens, but you don’t putt on them. You boil them

with either salty  fatback or a ham hock.


20. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp, too. You really want sushi

and caviar? It’s available at the bait shop.


21. They are pigs. That’s what they smell like. Get over it. Don’t like it?

Interstate 65 and 40 goes two ways – Interstate 24, 55 and 75 goes the other

two. Pick one.


22. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on

them. You want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream of wheat –

go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.


23.  The ‘Opener’ refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both

are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight

at the church on either day.


24. So every person in every pickup waves?  Yeah, it’s called being friendly.

Understand the concept?


25. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don’t hit in the water hazards. It spooks

the fish and  bothers the gators – and if you hit it in the rough, we have

these things called Diamondbacks, and they’re not baseball players.


26. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like

an idiot – his name  is Sir, no matter how old he is.


27. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park

your electric vehicle under them, and they’ll  leave a logo on your hood.


28. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions.

The liberal contingent of our state legislature – all 4 of them – enacted a

measure to stop this. There is now a  $10 fine for beating up the flag



Now, enjoy your visit… I emphasize – ‘visit.

One thought on “Rules For Livin’ In The South

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