Tag: sarcasm

The Truth About Woke

I’ve been tired of this since it started. I’ll bet I’m not alone.

These self-entitled ‘tards have ruined enough. I’m not going to stand for it anymore.

I’m torn between ignoring them because it is so stupid and stopping their push to ruin everyone’s life with their nonsense. It’s hard to believe they think they are right and it matters.

I realize there is no telling someone that won’t live in reality anything. They’ll have to wake up one day to realize how wrong they are about life.

Please stop ruining mine and take it somewhere else, anywhere but the USA.

Vegan Humor, All You Need Now Is Bacon

I have nothing against them, except they always tell you they are vegan. I feel sorry that they don’t get to enjoy the bacon cheeseburger that I’m having tonight.

Oh, I won’t be telling anyone I’m not vegan. They don’t want to know that either.

How Men Working Signs Should Actually Read

I always try to count how many are actually working.

I try to thank the sign workers who let the traffic flow when there is only one lane for both sides. They take a beating for holding up traffic, but it isn’t their fault.

When I worked in construction growing up, the lowest guy got the worst jobs. It’s an unwritten rule.

Regarding Monday Mornings

I swear I wrote this in my journal this morning. I was grateful that I got rid of that ball and chain a long time ago. I busted ass for a long time to be in this position and it is worth it, I Gar-un-tee it!

Sure I’m older now and don’t have as many years left, but Sunday night doesn’t suck as much knowing that if it’s a bad one, I don’t have to hate the next 24 hours.

When I watched the NFL before it went woke, I used to go to Monday Night Football and get home late and not sober. How I made it to work the next day and was able to get through it is beyond me now. I guess I was young and it didn’t affect me like it does now, even though I gave up all my bad habits.

Just not being able to sleep, which happens a lot now can ruin the next day.

I think I’m better off older.

Random Funny Thoughts

I had amnesia once — or twice.

*****

Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

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I am neither for nor against apathy.

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All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

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If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

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What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

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They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

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Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

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Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

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One nice thing about egotists … they don’t talk about other people.

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My weight is perfect for my height … which varies.

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I used to be indecisive. Now, I’m not sure.

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The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.

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How can there be self-help groups

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Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.

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Is it just me, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Sounding – A Terrible New Internet Trend (sticking things in your dick)

First they ate a spoon of cinnamon. Then, they were snorting rubbers (It’s on YouTube, I didn’t want to have to see it again).

Now there is sounding. It’s sticking something in your dick to see how far you can do it.

To no one’s surprise, the participants are going to the hospital and are being injured, like this boy who stuck a USB cable so far down that he couldn’t get it out.

A U.K. teen had to undergo emergency surgery after a bananas attempt to measure his manhood resulted in him getting a USB cable lodged in his urethra.

The phallic fiasco reportedly began after an unnamed 15-year-old boy was “triggered by sexual curiosity” and inserted a USB wire into his urethra, per a wince-worthy study published in the medical journal Urology Case Reports.

The sexperiment backfired when the cable became lodged in the curious teen’s scrotum like an electronic catheter. Despite attempts to extract it himself, the USB cord became tangled so terribly that both ends were left hanging out of his wired willy.

Play with it, use it to pee and the other stuff it was made for, but don’t stick anything in it. It is your best personal friend for men and a play toy for females.

Why I Don’t Argue On Line Anymore

I’ve written about Internet Road Rage and Stupid Things Smart People do. It’s also why I stay away from a lot of social media. My life is a lot happier that way. Also, I don’t have to worry about my body image that Zuckerberg lied about yesterday.

Today’s Covid Humor, What I Did At Home

I’ve been content free, so enjoy the laugh and do the usual copy and post on your social media of choice.

The trikini and marriage stuff is funny. Some of the Covid stuff makes too much sense.

Some of it just makes you think.

This Is Me If I Were A Doctor

Oh, I’d write a lot of other stuff too. Imagine if an ex came in or a celebtard whining about their $20 million Disney contract? No telling what I’d write, but it would be good.

I know doctors pride themselves on straight lines when operating. They told me.

Just like the anti-matter a few posts below, there are some things I should be banned from doing. This would be close to the top of the list.

What Was The Most Popular Item Sold On Prime Day?

It was of course this, a way for Amazon to further invade homes and privacy to sell you more stuff we are too lazy to go out and get on our own or learn to use a remote for searching.

According to the WSJ:

But what was the most popular item Amazon sold around the world?  That would be the Fire TV Stick 4K with Alexa Voice Remote, a streaming media stick with access to 4K Ultra HD, a voice remote that lets you search and launch shows with your voice, and access to more than half a million movies and TV episodes, Amazon reports.

It’s eerily like the viewscreen in the book 1984 watching Winston inside of his own house and everywhere he went.

If people want this so much then why were there so many voting to not let Bezos back to earth when he takes off on his own rocket we paid for?

My kids have these devices in their house and when I get there I say show me all the fashion only in camouflage color.

For those who know, how many fingers am I holding up?

Hillbilly Sushi

I wonder if this is going to offend hillbillies? I wonder if that name is a cultural appropriation? What if it is a racist name?

Fear not, I have a strain in my family as southern as turnip greens.

I shake my head as I’m making fun of woke people using hotdogs, and yet I think there might be someone ready to lead a revolution to protect hillbillies now from discrimination. On second thought, nah.

Oh, and Happy Memorial Day.

How To Fix That Annoying Noise In Your Car

Here’s a classic song that few know. The amount of music theory needed to do just the counting and coming in on time is innovative and rarely duplicated. It’s from Houses of the Holy, a classic album.

Cardi B and her WAP is something that should be before Dr. Seuss in the line of things to be banned.

New Device Aids People To Remember Others Name Upon Meeting

I bet I forget names as quickly as you do. There are memory aids like associating a name with an object or another person to help you, but who remembers that when you are just trying to hear their name the first time?

I gave up trying to dance around the subject and just say I’m getting old or my hearing is going (both likely to be true) and ask them to tell me again. More often than not, they forgot my name also.

Most likely, I just move along and not really care. I find that being nice and waiting to see if they will really enter your life or is it just being cordial determines if I’m going to remember their name.

Either way, it’s a conversation starter, not something for Introverts so it won’t be me unless I just want to ignore everyone.

A New Low In Climate Scares – A Smaller Penis

This is about climate warnings via scaring people, not whether there is global warming or whatever.

The trick to get people to do something is the carrot or stick. This one is kind of both.

I’m used to being told that the statue of liberty will drown or Miami Beach is going under water and rarely pay attention. I think they are just after money and will say almost anything.

Its a new low though when they go to your unit, your family jewels, the python of passion…..uh, stop right there. I think you get what I’m talking about.

Now, your dick is getting shorter or something. Really? If you want me to buy into this, at least make it believable.

Get this……

Erin Brockovich
Thu 18 Mar 2021 21.23 AEDT

The chemicals to blame for our reproductive crisis are found everywhere and in everything

The end of humankind? It may be coming sooner than we think, thanks to hormone-disrupting chemicals that are decimating fertility at an alarming rate around the globe. A new book called Countdown, by Shanna Swan, an environmental and reproductive epidemiologist at Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai in New York, finds that sperm counts have dropped almost 60% since 1973. Following the trajectory we are on, Swan’s research suggests sperm counts could reach zero by 2045. Zero. Let that sink in. That would mean no babies. No reproduction. No more humans. Forgive me for asking: why isn’t the UN calling an emergency meeting on this right now?

The chemicals to blame for this crisis are found in everything from plastic containers and food wrapping, to waterproof clothes and fragrances in cleaning products, to soaps and shampoos, to electronics and carpeting. Some of them, called PFAS, are known as “forever chemicals”, because they don’t breakdown in the environment or the human body. They just accumulate and accumulate – doing more and more damage, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. Now, it seems, humanity is reaching a breaking point.

…Read more: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/mar/18/toxic-chemicals-health-humanity-erin-brokovich

Choose for yourself if you want to believe it. I’m going to protect my privates.

Because of…..Snowflakes, Saturday Double Entendre Humor, Or Not

It snowed last night…8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.

8:15 – So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 – My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 – The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 – The transgender man..women…person asked why I didn’t just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 – The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 – I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 – The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up.

8:40 – The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 – The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 – The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 – TV news crew from CNN showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied “Snowballs” and am now called a sexist.

9:00 – I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 – I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 – Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested. By noon it all melted

Moral:There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.”

Thursday Sarcasm – Politicians Do As I Say, Not As I Do

Speaker Pelosi gets her hair done inside while forcing businesses to stay closed (at least until the election and then we’ll see how the winds blow).  I guess there are two sets of rules, one for them and then the ones they make for the rest of the country.

The ruling class used to be called the bourgeois.  The others are now called the flyover states.  I wonder who will get tired of this stuff?

The sarcasm is that she claimed it was a set up from a business she also claimed she supported for years.  Why would they do that to her?  Would there be an apology if she wasn’t caught?

Tuesday Sarcasm – Sports Stars Agree to Play To Get Paid

This has nothing of course to do with the fact that they don’t get paid if they don’t play and that TV ratings are down 40% because we are tired of their shit, telling us what to do and what to say.

We watch them play to distract us from real life, not because we want people playing a kids game to tell us how to think.

Sarcasm Monday – More Russian I Didn’t Do It From The Kremlin

An Anti-Kremlin blogger got his ass beat outside his home.  Of course the Kremlin denied that they had anything to do with it.  If my blog gets hacked, we’ll know for sure that they did.

As for me, I like most of the rest of the world living in 2020 don’t buy it.  See Putin on Friday.  He of course was calling for free elections.  I guess that is on the Kremlin do not do list.

I was hoping to post about Sports Stars being hypocrites and I’ll get to it, but this was too obvious….Here is a snippet and a link.

August 31, 2020

MOSCOW (Reuters) – Moscow police opened a criminal inquiry on Monday after anti-Kremlin opposition activist and political blogger Yegor Zhukov was beaten and left bloodied outside his home at the weekend.

The 22-year-old student, who was a leading figure in large anti-government protests last year, was taken to hospital late on Sunday after being assaulted by two people outside his apartment in western Moscow, his allies said on social media.

They published pictures of his bloodied face covered in bruises and gashes.

He was among more than 1,000 people detained in Moscow in July 2019 in one of the biggest crackdowns on anti-Kremlin demonstrators in recent years. He and other protesters had taken to the streets to call for free elections.

Political Suspicion and Sarcasm – Sure Putin Didn’t Poison The Anti-Putin Candidate

I’ve decided to branch out to do more sarcasm.  It seems that politics, celebrities and sports stars are the easiest target so we’ll see who cooperates.  They are equally losers and out of touch with the real world, so this shouldn’t be hard.

Starting here with Putin.  Who doesn’t think he had them poisoned?  The victims big mistake was to criticize Vlad, dumbass.  Putin is not going to give up any power.  Just bump off any competition, threaten the public and voila, re-election.

MOSCOW (Reuters) – Kremlin critic Alexei Navalny’s sudden illness has upended his strategy to challenge Vladimir Putin’s grip on power at upcoming regional elections. But it also exposes a longer-term issue – the leadership vacuum within Russia’s opposition.

Navalny, 44, now lying in a Berlin hospital after a suspected poisoning, had been urging supporters to vote tactically for candidates running against the ruling United Russia party in mid-September.

Full story here.

It’s too obvious. Here is a list of people that didn’t look both ways before crossing the Putin street.  If you notice he’s not afraid to nail the victims outside of the country either.

There were several famous poisoning episodes during the Cold War. Georgi Markov, a Bulgarian dissident died after a KGB agent pricked him with a ricin-tipped umbrella. In 1957, Nikolai Khokhlov, a KGB defector, came close to death after drinking a cup of coffee laced with an unknown type of thallium.

Poisonings have occurred under Putin almost since the start of his rule. In 2004, Viktor Yushchenko, a candidate who ran against a Kremlin-favored incumbent for Ukraine’s presidency was poisoned with dioxin, leaving him disfigured.

The same year, the celebrated investigative journalist, Anna Politkovskaya fell suddenly ill and lost consciousness after drinking a cup of tea while flying to the Russian city of Beslan during the school siege there.

In 2018, another former Russian intelligence officer Sergey Skripal, was nearly fatally poisoned with a nerve agent in the English town of Salisbury. The poison, which was identified by British investigators as a nerve agent, known as “Novichok”, developed by the Soviet Union as part of a secret chemical weapons program. Russia again denied responsibility, but U.K. police were able to track two men, who were later identified as officers in Russian military intelligence. Both men, Anatoly Chepiga and Alexander Mishkin were found to have previously received Russia’s highest state honor, awarded personally by Putin.

Sayings – Men vs. Women (Me being provocative)

Men are by nature merely indifferent to one another; but women are by nature enemies.

-Arthur Schopenhauer
This post is to see if anyone is really paying attention.  Yes, I’m being provocative on purpose. This is someone else’s quote, but I can be sarcastic and this proves it.
I have no real idea what goes on in the mind of females, nor does anyone really.  I’ve posted other stuff on men vs. women like how they complement and trash each other.
The things I’ve noticed are what everyone else already knows like girls getting along fine until you throw a man that both girls like  into the mix, then watch the sparks fly as they fight over the guy.
I’ve been told by girls that they can notice something wrong with another female they don’t like and when asked how do they look, they say you look perfectly beautiful.
Guys don’t give a shit.  Here’s an example.  Two guys are wearing the exact same thing at an event and IF by chance they notice they’ll just say great minds think alike or you have good taste.
So we’ll see if you are paying attention and if anybody gets pissed off.

In Honor of My 600th Post, Here Is My To Do List

WordPress says this is my 600th post, but I know I lost the year 2007 when I switched from Blogger to WordPress because I avoid Google whenever possible.  I likely passed it a while back, but they are gone forever now.

I post a lot about IQ, intelligence, Introverts, tech and a lot of subjects that would provide a platform to post something meaningful, deep in meaning , intelligent, well thought out and well written.  As they say, the road to hell….

In that spirit, I give you a to do list that is sarcastic, funny to me and given the mood I’m in as I write this and very appropriate especially since my last name is Simonds (see number 8).

#Barbie Update Since She is Now Middle Aged, Plus: San Francisco Barbie With Homeless Kit

Finally a Barbie to relate to! At long last, here are some new Barbie dolls to coincide with her (and our?) aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic…

If you are easily offended, stop and go away.  This is a joke that was sent to me and there is sarcasm and political incorrectness for some below. Save the hate comments, you’ve been warned.

For those with a sense of humor, please continue.

barbies50th

  1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

 

  1. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

 

  1. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

 

  1. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too — muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.

 

  1. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, and then slip on soft terry mules.

 

  1. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

 

  1. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

 

  1. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It’s time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They’re hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of

“Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.”

 

  1. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, and Ken’s boat.

 

  1. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she’s going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

 

  1. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book “Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self” is included.

And finally,

Saturday Humor – Joe Isuzu and Monarchy

This series of commercials was especially funny to me, for a particular reason.  This is my favorite one of the bunch as it pokes fun in an acceptable way.  When this came out, I had just taken a picture of my daughter next to a guard who couldn’t move in a very similar guard-house, so even to this day I find it funny.

I hope you do also.

The faces of humanity

Update: I posted this in 2005.  My daughters then bf got bent out of shape because I spoke the truth.  He was going to write a rebuttal, but didn’t.  This was before the Kardashian sex tape or their awful show that I never have watched.  It turns out that this was right all along and he’s done a 180 now that he is in the working world.  My sister has lost everything now, but due to financial mismanagement and the inability of her husband to keep a job, not due to natural disasters That is a different story.

I was going to call it the 2 faces of humanity, just thinking of what the folks in Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama are going through bringing out the good and bad in some, but it occurred to me that there are many flavors of this subject. But for this post, I’ll concentrate on the simple good and bad.

What is happening in those states is devastating. I can only mildly relate as we’ve had some bad hurricanes here (Fran comes to mind in NC where some are still recovering) and a recent ice storm where we were out of power for a week, but it is bad there. My sister lives near Lake Pontchartrain and has likely lost her house. Her family got out in time and are living with my parents right now, lucky them. It’s not the same for those who have lost lives, jobs, family and other things like heirlooms and photo’s which are forever gone.

These catastrophe’s bring out the good in some folks. Already there are local fisherman driving around in bass boats rescuing people from their houses. There are organizations which are gathering supplies, people lining up to donate time and money to help. I read this morning where you can donate like the Red Cross , Samaritans Purse, and other good groups who are sincere in helping out. FEMA is organizing for the biggest relief effort ever. For those that get my feed via RSS, I’ll be visiting del.ico.us today to add them to my list.

Then there is the other side. I’ve seen reports of looters, the construction scammers, insurance fraud and many others. This is also unfortunately something that raises it’s ugly head during these times. I hope that this is kept in check.

Then the way we can act hit me. Through the power of DVR (i was scanning and deleting shows), I happened to watch back to back the hurricane coverage then the reality show, “filthy rich cattle drive” where the spoiled brat kids of celebrity’s are “roughing” it on a cattle drive. This is like going to a zoo to watch animals. These kids are the most narcissistic people I’ve ever seen, worried about how they look, trying to get make up, dry cleaning and Fed Ex in the middle of nowhere and me, me, me. This was supposed to be about helping a charity.  One of them of course was Kim Kardashian.

It’s just to ironic that these two faces of humanity are happening at the same time.

Natural disasters have been happening since the creation of the earth. There was the tsunami last year for example. Fortunately, people have stepped up and helped others through the course of history and I hope and pray it happens here.

A lesson that strikes me (besides the obvious of striving to be good) is to be prepared and to be able to take care of yourself in the many situations life will present to you. Acts of God like this (even for skeptics, this is the clause in your homeowners insurance) will continue, so dealing with it is inevitable. Being ready in anything is half the battle sometimes. Appreciate your family, friends and experiences in life. It’s times like this that remind you how important and fleeting they can be.

So it’s off to my now seemingly trivial day when compared to those now trying to put their lives back together.

Update on Sis: just heard from her and the house made it, but she won’t be able to go back for months. Thanks to those folks who sent regards.