Humor On Getting Old

#1  I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
He turned to me and asked, “Are you having it catered?”
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of “OLD”.#2
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
“How old was your husband?”
“98,” she replied: “Two years older than me”
“So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented.
She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
“And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked.
She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

I’ve sure gotten old!
I have outlived my feet and my teeth,
I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I’m half blind,
Can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.  Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver’s license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, By the time I got my leotards on,The class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
“Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed.
“Why Wal-Mart?”
“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be..
Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It’s scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff
In my shopping cart says,
‘For fast relief.’

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.

Update on Grocery Shopping

I originally wrote about my shopping adventures from as much as 30 years ago mentioning dressing for the store, meeting someone at work, bikini’s, girls in the frozen isle….and other observations.  Instead of just being out of college which was the perspective of the original blog, I’m now buying groceries for a college student.

I also wrote about the old people and their habits.  It dawned on me today I’m almost one of them now.  I go on BOGO (buy one get one free) day.  My day is complete when I can get BOGO with a coupon for double savings.  When did I get this old?  Actually I’m just smarter with our money now and know there are deals to be had.

I’m even getting balloons for my dog to play with as they float and it gives her great pleasure to bark at them.  If I could just get her to breath in the helium and bark, I’d be the one howling with laughter.

Just think, one more year and I can get another 5% off for senior discount on Thursdays!