Tag: humor

Broadcast Cuts Away from Travis Kelce as He Goes Completely Off the Rails at Super Bowl Parade

Kelce’s performance, in fact, produced such awkwardness that one local network cut away to a shot of the crowd.

Sometimes one must wonder if certain famous people, on some deep psychological level, recognize their own hopeless insignificance. Otherwise, why would they engage in cringe-worthy public behavior that shows respect neither for themselves nor for others? Why would they knock the pedestal out from beneath their own feet?

Such questions occurred while watching clips from Wednesday’s Super Bowl LVIII victory parade in Kansas City, Missouri, where Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce — in an apparently incoherent state of drunkenness — made a mockery of himself, his Super Bowl opponents and the very idea of celebration.

Rest of the story

Good luck with fame, you’re off to a blazing start

Super Bowl Week, The Taylor Swift Version

Ole Miss Football Hires GM With Funniest Name Since Noah Knigga: REPORT

Lane Kiffin and the University of Mississippi are reportedly hiring former Texas Longhorns personnel guy Billy Glasscock to be the team’s general manager, per ESPN’s Chris Low, and I honestly haven’t laughed this hard since Noah Knigga burst onto the college football scene.

Glasscock spent three years as a player personnel operator for Texas and previously served in similar roles at NC State and the University of Minnesota, per Low.

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I’ll bet he had a hard time in grade school

Happy Valentines Day Guys, This is What you have to Compete With

No wonder girls have a hard time getting off when we get down. Guys haven’t got a chance with all off this technology competing against our junk. Hell, even black guys don’t stand a chance.

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Here’s A Headline You Don’t Read Every Day: Excessively farting passenger forces American Airlines flight to turn around

An American Airlines plane was reportedly forced to return to the gate due to high wind — a “disgruntled” passenger’s smelly farts.

The big stink over the flatulent flyer unfolded while a recent flight from Phoenix, Arizona, to Austin, Texas, was still on the ground, according to a viral Reddit post.

“Before most people had boarded, I observed that this man was audibly disgruntled about something, maybe hungover, rough day idk, but as soon as he sat down he was grumbling about something under his breath, like ‘f—ing hell’ or something,” user lamgalatx wrote.

After the majority of passengers had boarded, the man reportedly exclaimed: “You thought that was rude? Well how about this smell” — and proceeded to pass gas.

“(I don’t know) what provoked that comment, and while kinda funny to overhear, it was uncalled for especially coming from a grown man on an airplane nonetheless,” the user wrote.

But the excessively farting passenger’s gross behavior didn’t end there.

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I’m more of a crop duster when I have to unleash. I want everyone to share and then wonder which one of their neighbors let it fly.

Name A Cockroach Or Rat For Your Ex To Be Eaten By Zoo Animal For Valentines Day

There is a sweet amount of satisfaction in doing this. You buy a cockroach or rat, it gets named for your ex and is feed to an animal at the zoo. You get confirmation and everyone is happy. Also, fuck your ex.

For the second year in a row, the wild and crazy staff at the San Antonio Zoo offers the brokenhearted a novel way to oh-so-satisfyingly get back at their exes on Valentine’s Day. Yes, their incredibly popular Cry Me a Cockroach Fundraiser is back!

For a small non-refundable donation of $5.00, $10.00, or $25.00, the zoo staff will “symbolically name a [cock]roach, rat, or veggie after your ex or not-so-special someone.” The San Antonio Zoo staff will then happily feed your selection of a bug, a rodent, or a vegetable to a deserving and hungry zoo animal.

Don’t worry, animal lovers and PETA, no additional rats are killed specifically for the brokenhearted’s vengeful pleasure. All the rats used in the fundraiser are pre-frozen, just like the usual rodents that are fed to the animals as part of their regular daily scheduled feedings. “They are delivered frozen from a mouse farm and stored at [the] Nutrition Center until thawed for feedings,” the zoo’s website states. 

Additionally, participants of Cry Me a Cockroach receive “a digital Valentine’s Day Card” showing their support for the fundraiser, including the cockroach, rat, or veggie dedication to your ex. And just for, um, fun, this card could be sent to your ex or posted to your personal social media to let the world know you’ve been, um, thinking of your ex. Sharing is caring, amirite?

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I played this game with the El Paso Zoo a couple of years ago. I named one for my college gf who turned into a traveling whore when she was a stewardess. The other was just deserving of one. She cheated on her husband although not with me. I had nothing to do with it other than watching her (from the sidelines) ruin someone else’s (and her own) life.

The people at the zoo were amazed at how much vitriol people had for the ones that did them wrong.

Irony – Scott Adams Brutally Lambasts Militantly Woke LeVar Burton in Just Eight Words

I’m a Star Trek fan, but he’s in my bottom 10 characters. I choked to stop from puking when he guest hosted Jeopardy as he tried to wrestle the job from the other contenders. Mostly, I hate the woke shit that comes with celebtards like him. At least while Sulu is alive, he isn’t the worst Star Trek Character in real life. 

This super sized bowl of Irony makes it even funnier and more satisfying that he has to live with his past now. I wonder if his ancestors owned slaves.

“Reading Rainbow” star LeVar Burton is one of the most outspoken leftists in Hollywood, which is saying a whole lot. He has championed every radical cause possible in recent years, including reparations. Moreover, he does so with the spite and unhinged rhetoric of a BLM grifter.

The man who once played a slave in “Roots” recently found out that his great, great grandfather is not only white, but was also a Confederate soldier. That certainly adds a twist of lime to his race-baiting drink of choice.

Don’t wait for beef to become more scarce. Stock up on freeze-dried cubes made from

Adding insult to injury, “Dilbert” creator Scott Adams hit Burton with a conundrum:

“How much does he owe himself in reparations?”

It was just the chuckle we needed for an otherwise bland news cycle on a Sunday. Thank you, Mr. Adams.

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This Is Life As An Introvert

Small talk is one of the more tiring things for introverts,. I avoid that situation at every chance. I love a deep conversation, but once someone starts in on how their day went in minute detail, I can’t help but turn into my own world and wish the conversation to be over as quickly as possible.

The other is ice breakers. Tell us something about yourself. Um, I don’t like to talk about myself, how’s that?

I’d hold it before I’d go just to not talk to not be here. This is at a Dr.’s office though. I see the door where you pass the piss sample in the cup

If I say call me, it’s because I’m betting you won’t. I’m tossing over the fence for you to make the move. I wouldn’t call either way. A cryptic text at best that doesn’t leave much of a window to respond.

Would Never Happen In Florida

I swear, as soon as I cross the state line, the driving gets worse immediately. The minute I see a Florida plate in my state, it’s a bad driver about to do something stupid.

They are so afraid of someone else getting 1 inch ahead of them that they do everything they can to screw you from getting in the lane.

As We Start The Election Cycle, Here’s The Real Party Of Hate

And misguided liars

And especially the wealth of private citizens

And especially the USA. They find minute things to hate while ignoring all the good that we have done (sounds like Europeans here by accident)

But then there is 2 sets of rules

In the end, this is who they hate the most. It’s probably because it is the greatest threat to their power. Of all my trump hating acquaintances, they don’t know why they hate him, other than what they were told by the media.

Pa. Farm Show Mullet Contest: Meet this year’s champions and see the Best In Grow

Over a hundred contestants, and dozens more eager onlookers, crowded the Main Hall Stage area of the Farm Show for the inaugural Pennsylvania’s Preferred Mullet Contest.

The event was held in the morning of Jan. 8, with over 60 contestants in the Under 18 category, and more than two dozen in both the Over 18 and Throw Back category – the latter being photos submitted electronically, and eligible from any time in the past.

Madison Shaw, main hall assistant manager with the Farm Show, hadn’t expected quite such a big turnout, but overall the contest “went much better than I expected,” she said.

The contestants seemed happy to participate and celebrate the hairstyle they’ve all committed to so eagerly. One after another they strode onto the stage, flipping their hair, flexing their muscles, and throwing up the rock-and-roll horns

There were mullets with long, straight hair and mullets with lots of curls; some had designs shaved into their sides, or styled the “business” side of things in the front or on top. Thin mustaches were popular among those old enough to grow them, as were the Pit Viper style sunglasses.

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Has Feminism And ‘Hoeflation’ Destroyed Dating In The West?

How is that for a title? Here’s the story:

It’s a problem in the western world that is rarely discussed in the media beyond puff-piece articles and glancing polls that avoid connecting the dots.   The precipitous decline of dating, committed relationships and marriage along with a flatline in population in the past couple decades in the US is treated as a novelty issue rather than the threat to the stability of civilization that it actually is.  History shows that without the traditional family structure, numerous ugly societal consequences follow.

One could argue, though, that the situation is far worse than that.  We may be heading into a future where families become a novelty, and many argue that the root cause is feminism and the hyperinflated delusions of progressive women.

In order to understand the problem we have to look at the stats. 

More than 50% of American women are still childless by age 30.  By age 35 fertility goes into steep decline with women having a 15% chance of becoming pregnant, and a less than 5% chance of motherhood at age 40.  Meaning, the best window of opportunity for women to find a compatible partner and build a family is in their 20s.  

Feminists argue, though, that this is the time in a woman’s life when they should be building a career and having fun.  Family life, they say, is an artificial prison “created by the patriarchy” in order to oppress the fairer sex.  Corporate media and Hollywood entertainment often reinforce this narrative and encourage unrealistic life goals.

The word on the street is “Hoeflation”:  The dramatic increase in cost for men today to maintain a relationship with a woman while the quality of women continues to go down.  That is to say, it is an increase in female expectations vs what they bring to the table in a relationship.

In other words, women of the past used to have something to offer beyond sexual companionship, from greater femininity, greater potential for motherhood, less combativeness and narcissism, as well as a superior ability to raise children and maintain a home.  Such traits are highly attractive to men even after 60 years of widespread feminism, but are seen as non-existent among women under 30 in 2023.

It should be noted that “Hoeflation” seems to be directly linked to progressive influences, and not all women fall into this category.  Unfortunately, around 71% of young women identify with progressive beliefs, as opposed to young men who are only 53% progressive.  It should also be noted that progressive today means something a lot different from what it meant in the 1990s (progressive now means woke, or extreme leftist cultism).    

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For The 666 Girls Who Want Everything From A Guy (Get’s Put In Her Place)

In case you don’t know, these are the ones who want a 6 foot (or taller) man making six figures with a greater than 6″ dick.

Here’s the other side of the story

From the internet:

They want you to be in shape, have a great personality, make them laugh, message first, be tall, have a beard, have tattoos, play guitar, be sensitive, be a man “no bois plz”, they don’t want one night stands or players, but also nothing serious, let’s see what happens, don’t want kids, vegan, yoga, traveling EVERYBODY WANTS TO TRAVEL YOU ****, TRAVELING DOESN’T MAKE YOU SPECIAL OR INTERESTING, DO YOU EVEN HAVE A PERSONALITY? OR DO YOU JUST REPEAT THE SAME F*****G S**T AS EVERYONE ELSE BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT TO BE EXPOSED AS A COMPLETE F*****G VOID OF A PERSON!!!??

Every woman online thinks she deserves a prince, but very few of them care about being the sort of princess a prince would be proud to carry back to his palace.

And the clincher, I remembered this, but it still applies.

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

A girl on a dating site posted this one below.

I’m going to be honest of what I’m going to say here.

I’m 25 this year. I’m very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above.

You might say that I’m greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York.

My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married?

I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you?

Among those I’ve dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit.

If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden(?), $250k annual income is not enough.

I’m here humbly to ask a few questions:

1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches are only average-looking? I’ve met a few girls who don’t have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys.
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)
Ms. Pretty

Dimon’s reply.

Dear Ms. Pretty,
I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyze your situation as a professional investor.

My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I’m not wasting time here.

From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain.

Put the details aside, what you’re trying to do is an exchange of “beauty” and “money” : Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square.

However, there’s a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can’t be prettier year after year.

Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It’s not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worse 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a “trading position”.

If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term – same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or “leased”.

Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income.This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps.

signed,
J.P. Morgan CEO

Happy World Introvert Day

May we celebrate together, but alone and separately. Talk to you tomorrow because I’m not talking today.

It’s my favorite holiday after just suffering through Christmas and New Years. I can be alone today. Somewhere out there (although probably quiet) my fellow souls finally have some joy. It’s doubtful others will hear about it as we don’t boast, and other times you can’t get a word in edge wise for all the yapping.

I know and so do others.

PS, I’m not an INFJ.

This next one is me. I’m always in the back, next to the door so I can leave if I need to escape or panic

Guys Will Screw A Hole If It’s In A Tree, But Here Is A Girl Who Is In A Tree Relationship

Another day, another headline blurring the line between news story and Babylon Bee satire.

A lonely woman in Canada has decided that she is in love with a tree. And not in a hippy tree-hugger way — no, she has declared herself an “ecosexual,” who is “erotically” attracted to this poor, unsuspecting tree.

Really.

Sonja Semyonova, 45, (not to be confused with the devout and unwilling prostitute from Fyodor Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment) is a self-professed “self-intimacy guide and somatic sex educator in training,” according to the New York Post.

Her enduring passion for this deciduous specimen apparently began during the COVID lockdowns in 2020 and 2021.

According to Breitbart News, after moving to Vancouver Island, British Columbia, in 2020, Semyonova’s atraction to this tree began when she noticed it during her daily walks. After walking, “near the tree five days a week for the whole winter. I noticed a connection with the tree,” she said.

During that lonely time, she had been “craving that rush of erotic energy that comes when you meet a new partner, and that is not sustainable.”

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It brings tree-hugger to a new level. When I hear sustainable, I know the bullshit is about to flow. Also, never underestimate crazy in a girl. As Wirecutter says: Pyscho Chicks, we’ve all known one.

How To Punk LinkedIn – Viral Post Generator

People are always bragging or taking credit for jobs they should be doing anyway, like this:

 

Here’s a post generator that makes up stuff for you (link below). I put random stuff in it to get this:

. 

You put anything in and pick the level of cringe that you want. It even adds (I guess) fake people who liked it to give you cred when you post it.

Link

Go ahead and punk LinkedIn

Michael Jordan Allegedly Told Julian Edelman ‘Don’t F*ck It Up’ Regarding ‘A Bunch Of Money’ He Bet On Super Bowl

Well, Jordan certainly can be a charming fellow. Read below.

Michael Jordan is such a G!

When it comes to being an athlete, the pinnacle of pressure certainly has to be playing in the Super Bowl, so with stress, you really don’t want any outside negative energy coming at you outside of what happens on the gridiron.

However, New England Patriots legend and Super Bowl champion Julian Edelman had to deal with exactly that before Super Bowl XLIX, and on such a massive scale considering the added pressure was coming from Michael Jordan. Yes, that Michael Jordan — His Airness, six-time NBA champion, the greatest of all-time, whatever you wanna call him.

Speaking on a recent episode of his “Games With Names” podcast while hosting comedian Bert Kreischer, Edelman told a story about how he met both Jordan and Derek Jeter before the 2015 edition of the Super Bowl in Glendale. (RELATED: What’s Going On? Colts Shockingly Suspend Two Players For The Rest Of The Season In The Middle Of Playoff Race)

“And I’m super starstruck,” said Edelman. “And I’m about to play in the Super Bowl. I go up — and you could tell Jeter’s a very charming guy, welcoming. I go up [and say], ‘Mr. Jeter, I’m Julian Edelman. I’m playing in the Super Bowl.’ I felt weird introducing myself, but I wanted to meet him.”

Jordan, on the other hand, wasn’t as friendly, only issuing Edelman one simple message, according to the former player.

“I started talking with Jeter and everything’s good,” Edelman explained. “And as soon as the conversation’s about to end like five minutes in [and] I’m about to leave, Jordan comes up to me and he goes, ‘Hey kid, I got a bunch of money on you. Don’t f*ck it up.’ And that’s the only thing he said to me.”

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I guess when you have that kind of money, the rules are a bit different.

Take That Karen’s, Dunkin Employees Pull Gun When They Ask For The Manager

Three Dunkin’ workers accused of threatening customers with guns have been arrested, Texas police say. The El Paso Police Department said the incident happened in the Dunkin’ drive-thru at 8:30 p.m. Saturday, Dec. 9. A 41-year-old man and his girlfriend were ordering doughnuts, but the woman said an employee was acting “rude” and she asked to speak to the manager, police said in a Dec. 18 news release. The worker responded that he was the manager, using explicit language, according to police. When the couple drove toward the window, the employee came outside, followed by two co-workers. The three workers, ages 17, 19 and 20, brandished handguns toward the couple, police said. “One of the employees chambered a round in the pistol, pointed the gun at the 41-year-old customer, and verbally threatened him, saying, ‘Y’all gonna die tonight,’” officers said.

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