Tag: funny

Elevators, Awkward X 1000 When Talking Or Farting

Everyone has that one friend. In my high school, his name was Rick. For some reason, his stomach did more than ours did and when he farted, it cleared the room. One time, we were outside waiting for a concert and he let one fly. Even in the open air the crowd parted it was so bad.

He became a stewardess after college. He told us about crop dusting the passengers near the bathroom so they would think that it came from someone dropping a deuce.

The best story is that he was visiting the Empire State Building. Right before he got off the express elevator, he let one fly that was God awful he said. A bunch of his male stewardess friends were just getting on, and they were stuck for 50 floors in his sewer air. It was so bad that one of them gave him a hard time a full 3 months later for trapping them in that stench. I’ve tried without success since the day he told me that story to duplicate this feat.

As for me, I’ll pick the empty car every time, even if it is just one floor. I admit I’ve closed the door before others could get in. Why do people get so awkward in a specific place?

As an introvert, every closed room with strangers is awkward. It gets compounded by a group of chatty girls (any age) or someone who wants to talk. That is the quiet zone, like the library where you should STFU until it’s time to get off.

Be a good citizen and kind to introverts. Don’t talk. Also, don’t fart in elevators.

One Of My Fears, Having To Take A Dump On A Public Toilet

This happened on 10/11.

The best man at my wedding George has the best sphincter control of anybody I’ve known. He drove across the United Stated (horizontally) and didn’t unload the whole way. He also made me paranoid about having to drop a deuce on a public toilet.

I’m a germaphobe to begin with. I don’t trust a hotel room, knowing what I’ve done in them and listening to other peoples stories also. When George was a motel manager, he’d wait until the maid cleaned the rooms and put a clean paper ribbon over the toilet seat. He took the master key and slid off the ribbon, took a shit and then put it back on.

So I’m in the gym today. It’s bad enough already as you are trying to work out and I live in a college town. That means the girls come in to work out in the fuck me shorts all decked out in nips and lips, prancing about. They show off the goods and preen in front of the mirror wearing a ponytail holder on their wrist. God forbid if one of the guys looks, then the whole gym creep thing comes out. I won’t stare because that is what they want. One girl came by this day in the see through lime green sherbet outfit 2 sizes too small and I had to do a double take to see if she was black or white. She’d spent so much time on the tanning bed she could have been either, but that makes her white. Please.

The opposite is also true. There are some that need to be at the gym because they need to lose weight and get in shape. I applaud them for doing something about it, but I am trying not to look at them either. It’s because they are trying to wear the same thing the hot girls wear and it’s not working for covering that much mass. I looked up and almost had my face in a cottage cheese barrel.

It used to be that the gym was just guys in sweat clothes would be there. Then, Jane Fonda let in all the girls and taught them take more and more off. At first,the A/C would make it nippy, but now they wearing body paint skin suits that don’t cover a thing. You know by looking whether you are ordering a #3 roast beef combo or a peach fuzz smoothy without trying. They then proceed to push their cookie up in the air like they were doing upside down doggie and we have to act like we don’t notice. They entice you to look and then get mad if you do.

Anyway, why I wrote this.

I was doing legs today. I work out in the afternoon when the traffic is light so you don’t have to wait for a machine you want to use. I do all my sports page reading business first thing in the morning so it never crossed my mind that I’d have to take a dump. It never happens past mid-morning. I felt a rumbling in my stomach and thought it couldn’t be. I was hoping for a fart and it would pass.

So I’m listening to music during hamstring curls thinking that I could move around some air and the crisis would pass. Wouldn’t you know that the song that played was Should I stay or should I go by the Clash.

I’m in a complete dilemma now as I’d just gotten there and didn’t want to leave, but the feeling wouldn’t go away. I let it go one too many leg curls until I knew I was in trouble.

Having to go on a public toilet is as much a torture thought for me as dropping the soap in the shower in jail. I didn’t have time to be able leave to find the most expensive store nearby as they usually have the cleanest bathrooms according to George.

I realized it was going to happen and I couldn’t stop it. The train was leaving the station. I grabbed the disinfecting wipes for the gym equipment and made my way to the locker room. I’m in there 4 times a week and every time I see legs in the stall with some guy laying rope. I think how disgusting that is using a public can. A bunch of sweaty MF all shitting on the same toilet. I don’t know how girls do it.

I usually go for the cripple stool as is it is less used than the regular stall. It was out of order, so I have to go on one that has been destroyed since midnight as this is a 24 hour gym.

Well, I scrubbed down the seat, then papered it like the second coming of the Mummy and all hell broke loose. You’d think I’d taken the colonoscopy medicine.

I don’t even like going on a can that others use at home and have my own bathroom I call home base. It has a bidet built in so that if I don’t get a clean break, I can get the old Japanese wash and blow dry from my seat.

My fear at the gym was that I’d have to use the whisper thin paper that doubles as a cheese grader that this was going to happen.

I didn’t even run out of toilet paper during Covid because I use the bidet seat so my bung hole has gone back to virginity. TP wiping is something I don’t do anymore.

There was someone in the bathrooms while this was going on, but I didn’t care as your rarely see the same people. It turned out to be Fred the maintenance man. Fred is there every time I’m at the gym. He is kind of like a rain man about cleaning and walked in as soon as I walked out. It was a WWIII destruction zone and I’m going to see Fred again the next time I’m there. I’ll bet he wishes he wasn’t there.

It was a terrible experience, having to open the Bombay doors somewhere other than on home base. I came home and showered, but felt violated that I had to sacrifice my standards because my stomach wouldn’t give me fair warning before I left.

Talk Like A Pirate Day

Well blow me down mateys, it be that time of year again!  This proud tradition started 27 years ago.  Don’t be a scurvy dog and forget to talk like a pirate, all day long!  In thewords of “Steve the Pirate” from the movie “Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story”  –  “gar”.

When Men Get Bored, You Get Stuff Like This

Give them some time alone to get bored, and they come up with this. I was checking out of the Garden shop at Lowes, and found this gem. I think they put the cardboard box on it to shelter it from sun/rain, but someone had too much time on their hands.

Unwritten Rules For Men

If you read how it’s harder to be a man than you thought (why trans men can’t pull it off), you know that life is harder for guys than we let on.

Hell, half the pressure is stuff we put on ourselves, but then so is half of the enjoyment of pulling it off.

(From the link above)

Men are in competition with each other. Men vie to express dominance, to establish their place in the pecking order.

If a man steps out of line, and assumes a place in the pecking order that is not agreed upon – this place being based upon established social agreements that no one can see, nor express in words – he is summarily dismissed.

If he still believes the territory, he has assumed, is rightfully his, he will endure all manner of insults and attacks, up to, and including, physical attacks

This begins for boys some time just after the toddler stage, and intensifies through the teen years, and early adulthood.

Men find this competition exhilarating, though it is also challenging, and often ends in shocking defeats. 

WE MAKE UP GAMES TO COMPETE, EVEN WITH OURSELVES.

See the meme above. One of the unwritten rules for guys is you have to (at least try) to get all the shopping bags in one trip.

Next, we can’t just throw away a wad of paper if there is a hoop to make. Back up and see how far you can be before you miss. Add difficulty by changing hands or twice in a row. Hell, I toss ice cubes that fell on the floor behind my back into the sink. Putting them there would be too easy, or conversely not enough of a challenge.

I told my son this one. You have to open the garage door as far as possible when driving up. You need to know the range in case of (imagined) attack, or whatever. Never can you wait in the driveway while the door is opening.

You have to park in the spot first time. To add difficulty, back in. The ultimate challenge is parallel parking uphill on the wrong side of the street while driving stick shift with people in your car to judge you. It has to be done the first try. (I’ve done it).

Then there are the bathroom rules.

Like this.

And of course which one to use.

And this.

Here are 30 guy rules, but I didn’t know about the fart window in the public restroom.

National Mustard Day

Well, there is one that you don’t hear about that often.

From their website:

It’s always the first Saturday in August, and that means August 5, 2023, is fast approaching. Things are coming together and we have updated information for this year’s event on our National Mustard Day page. We just confirmed our headliner for the French’s Music Stage will be Frank Martin Busch and the Names. Frank grew up in Cuba City, Wisconsin, and brings his Americana music to the main stage. It’s a mix of solid rhythms, jangly guitars, honky tonk piano and harmonicas with a little steel guitars. As Frank calls it, “it’s country music without bedazzled jeans with roots from red dirt country rather than Nashville.”

It’s not complete without that famous treat sure to take the world by storm, Mustard Skittles.

Mustard Skittles are suddenly a thing — and the internet wants to know why

By

Brooke Kato

Updated

High IQ Humor – Physics Style

Of course…

 Mass =  ρ × v

Where,

ρ = density and

v = the volume

The weight mass formula is given as

m = w / g

Where,

w= weight

m = mass

g = gravity

The mass formula is also given as

m = F / a

If acceleration itself is the gravity, then

M = F / g

Where,

F = force

G = gravity

According to Einstein’s mass-energy relation 

m = (E / c2)

Where,

m = mass

E = energy

c = speed of light (3×108 m/s)

The kinetic energy mass formula is given as

K.E = ½ mv2

Where,

m = mass,

v = velocity.

Example 1

Calculate the mass if the weight of a body is 80 N.

Solution:

Given,

weight of the body = 80 N

The mass of the body is expressed by

m = w / g

m = 80 / 9.8

m = 8.163 kg

Example 2

Determine the mass of a body if the K.E is 70 J and velocity is 8m/s.

Solution:

Given:

K.E = 70 J

v = 8 m/s

the mass is expressed by

m = 2 K.E / v2

m = (2 × 70)/ 82

m = 14o/64

m= 2.18 kg

Definition Of Shitposting, Humor That Shows Up On LinkedIn

After you read it, you’ll understand. I think it’s funny as a lot of posts on LinkedIn like this are cringe worthy. People post a lot of stuff to get hired and you know it’s not who they really are.

I think this kind of sarcasm is funny.

Yeah, I’m Out On This One Also

When I was younger, I was out with some friends. We were eating oysters and drinking pitchers of beer (no Bud Light back then, I’m that old). I slurped down an oyster and my buddy’s girlfriend comes out with this beauty. Now you know what it is like to swallow.

Oysters were never the same for me again.