Category: humor

And I Thought Trannies Were Strange About Sex Partners

Meanwhile in crazy animal news…

A female stingray (named Charlotte) is pregnant at an aquarium in North Carolina, but there’s a twist: There’s no males. And now the aquarium is determined to figure out … well … what the hell is going on.

Located 103 miles west of Charlotte, Hendersonville’s The Aquarium and Shark Lab by Team Ecco say that the stingray is expecting to give birth to pups, but they have no earthly idea how, which has them thinking: Could this be a result of a male shark? Wait, a shark?

Yeah, a shark. A white-spot bamboo shark to be exact.

With this rare pregnancy, there are two explanations to what’s going on, with one of them being the shark.

Animals, with stingrays being one of the top ones, are able to reproduce asexually when that species is lacking reproduction, according to research, per the USA Today.

Originally, the stingray’s swelling alerted the Hendersonville aquarium into believing she might have had cancer, they told FOX Carolina. To further investigate, they took her in for an ultrasound, eventually being revealed that her swelling were actually eggs — Charlotte is pregnant!

But how?

Besides the asexual reproduction explanation, the aquarium believes that a shark might have gotten the stingray pregnant because of bite marks that were found on Charlotte — bite marks are a common sign of mating sharks. Two young white-spot bamboo sharks were placed into the stingray’s tank back in July 2023.

“We have definitive video of the most current ultrasound showing two if not three pups,” the aquarium told FOX Carolina. “DNA will need to be done after the pups’ birth — unless we have visual cues about a mixed breed.”

Super Bowl Week, The Taylor Swift Version

Ole Miss Football Hires GM With Funniest Name Since Noah Knigga: REPORT

Lane Kiffin and the University of Mississippi are reportedly hiring former Texas Longhorns personnel guy Billy Glasscock to be the team’s general manager, per ESPN’s Chris Low, and I honestly haven’t laughed this hard since Noah Knigga burst onto the college football scene.

Glasscock spent three years as a player personnel operator for Texas and previously served in similar roles at NC State and the University of Minnesota, per Low.

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I’ll bet he had a hard time in grade school

Happy Valentines Day Guys, This is What you have to Compete With

No wonder girls have a hard time getting off when we get down. Guys haven’t got a chance with all off this technology competing against our junk. Hell, even black guys don’t stand a chance.

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Here’s A Headline You Don’t Read Every Day: Excessively farting passenger forces American Airlines flight to turn around

An American Airlines plane was reportedly forced to return to the gate due to high wind — a “disgruntled” passenger’s smelly farts.

The big stink over the flatulent flyer unfolded while a recent flight from Phoenix, Arizona, to Austin, Texas, was still on the ground, according to a viral Reddit post.

“Before most people had boarded, I observed that this man was audibly disgruntled about something, maybe hungover, rough day idk, but as soon as he sat down he was grumbling about something under his breath, like ‘f—ing hell’ or something,” user lamgalatx wrote.

After the majority of passengers had boarded, the man reportedly exclaimed: “You thought that was rude? Well how about this smell” — and proceeded to pass gas.

“(I don’t know) what provoked that comment, and while kinda funny to overhear, it was uncalled for especially coming from a grown man on an airplane nonetheless,” the user wrote.

But the excessively farting passenger’s gross behavior didn’t end there.

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I’m more of a crop duster when I have to unleash. I want everyone to share and then wonder which one of their neighbors let it fly.

Name A Cockroach Or Rat For Your Ex To Be Eaten By Zoo Animal For Valentines Day

There is a sweet amount of satisfaction in doing this. You buy a cockroach or rat, it gets named for your ex and is feed to an animal at the zoo. You get confirmation and everyone is happy. Also, fuck your ex.

For the second year in a row, the wild and crazy staff at the San Antonio Zoo offers the brokenhearted a novel way to oh-so-satisfyingly get back at their exes on Valentine’s Day. Yes, their incredibly popular Cry Me a Cockroach Fundraiser is back!

For a small non-refundable donation of $5.00, $10.00, or $25.00, the zoo staff will “symbolically name a [cock]roach, rat, or veggie after your ex or not-so-special someone.” The San Antonio Zoo staff will then happily feed your selection of a bug, a rodent, or a vegetable to a deserving and hungry zoo animal.

Don’t worry, animal lovers and PETA, no additional rats are killed specifically for the brokenhearted’s vengeful pleasure. All the rats used in the fundraiser are pre-frozen, just like the usual rodents that are fed to the animals as part of their regular daily scheduled feedings. “They are delivered frozen from a mouse farm and stored at [the] Nutrition Center until thawed for feedings,” the zoo’s website states. 

Additionally, participants of Cry Me a Cockroach receive “a digital Valentine’s Day Card” showing their support for the fundraiser, including the cockroach, rat, or veggie dedication to your ex. And just for, um, fun, this card could be sent to your ex or posted to your personal social media to let the world know you’ve been, um, thinking of your ex. Sharing is caring, amirite?

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I played this game with the El Paso Zoo a couple of years ago. I named one for my college gf who turned into a traveling whore when she was a stewardess. The other was just deserving of one. She cheated on her husband although not with me. I had nothing to do with it other than watching her (from the sidelines) ruin someone else’s (and her own) life.

The people at the zoo were amazed at how much vitriol people had for the ones that did them wrong.

Irony – Scott Adams Brutally Lambasts Militantly Woke LeVar Burton in Just Eight Words

I’m a Star Trek fan, but he’s in my bottom 10 characters. I choked to stop from puking when he guest hosted Jeopardy as he tried to wrestle the job from the other contenders. Mostly, I hate the woke shit that comes with celebtards like him. At least while Sulu is alive, he isn’t the worst Star Trek Character in real life. 

This super sized bowl of Irony makes it even funnier and more satisfying that he has to live with his past now. I wonder if his ancestors owned slaves.

“Reading Rainbow” star LeVar Burton is one of the most outspoken leftists in Hollywood, which is saying a whole lot. He has championed every radical cause possible in recent years, including reparations. Moreover, he does so with the spite and unhinged rhetoric of a BLM grifter.

The man who once played a slave in “Roots” recently found out that his great, great grandfather is not only white, but was also a Confederate soldier. That certainly adds a twist of lime to his race-baiting drink of choice.

Don’t wait for beef to become more scarce. Stock up on freeze-dried cubes made from

Adding insult to injury, “Dilbert” creator Scott Adams hit Burton with a conundrum:

“How much does he owe himself in reparations?”

It was just the chuckle we needed for an otherwise bland news cycle on a Sunday. Thank you, Mr. Adams.

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Pet Meme’s And Stuff

This story Melted My heart  so I wanted to share it. enjoy.

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog’s owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.

I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn’t do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker ‘s family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.

The little boy seemed to accept Belker’s transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker’s Death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.
Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, ”I know why.”

Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I’d never heard a more comforting explanation. It has changed the way I try and live.

He said,”People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life — like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?” The Six-year-old continued,

”Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay as long.”

Live simply.

Love generously.

Care deeply.

Speak kindly.

Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you’re not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.

ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY!

Would Never Happen In Florida

I swear, as soon as I cross the state line, the driving gets worse immediately. The minute I see a Florida plate in my state, it’s a bad driver about to do something stupid.

They are so afraid of someone else getting 1 inch ahead of them that they do everything they can to screw you from getting in the lane.

Pa. Farm Show Mullet Contest: Meet this year’s champions and see the Best In Grow

Over a hundred contestants, and dozens more eager onlookers, crowded the Main Hall Stage area of the Farm Show for the inaugural Pennsylvania’s Preferred Mullet Contest.

The event was held in the morning of Jan. 8, with over 60 contestants in the Under 18 category, and more than two dozen in both the Over 18 and Throw Back category – the latter being photos submitted electronically, and eligible from any time in the past.

Madison Shaw, main hall assistant manager with the Farm Show, hadn’t expected quite such a big turnout, but overall the contest “went much better than I expected,” she said.

The contestants seemed happy to participate and celebrate the hairstyle they’ve all committed to so eagerly. One after another they strode onto the stage, flipping their hair, flexing their muscles, and throwing up the rock-and-roll horns

There were mullets with long, straight hair and mullets with lots of curls; some had designs shaved into their sides, or styled the “business” side of things in the front or on top. Thin mustaches were popular among those old enough to grow them, as were the Pit Viper style sunglasses.

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For The 666 Girls Who Want Everything From A Guy (Get’s Put In Her Place)

In case you don’t know, these are the ones who want a 6 foot (or taller) man making six figures with a greater than 6″ dick.

Here’s the other side of the story

From the internet:

They want you to be in shape, have a great personality, make them laugh, message first, be tall, have a beard, have tattoos, play guitar, be sensitive, be a man “no bois plz”, they don’t want one night stands or players, but also nothing serious, let’s see what happens, don’t want kids, vegan, yoga, traveling EVERYBODY WANTS TO TRAVEL YOU ****, TRAVELING DOESN’T MAKE YOU SPECIAL OR INTERESTING, DO YOU EVEN HAVE A PERSONALITY? OR DO YOU JUST REPEAT THE SAME F*****G S**T AS EVERYONE ELSE BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT TO BE EXPOSED AS A COMPLETE F*****G VOID OF A PERSON!!!??

Every woman online thinks she deserves a prince, but very few of them care about being the sort of princess a prince would be proud to carry back to his palace.

And the clincher, I remembered this, but it still applies.

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

A girl on a dating site posted this one below.

I’m going to be honest of what I’m going to say here.

I’m 25 this year. I’m very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above.

You might say that I’m greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York.

My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married?

I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you?

Among those I’ve dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit.

If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden(?), $250k annual income is not enough.

I’m here humbly to ask a few questions:

1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches are only average-looking? I’ve met a few girls who don’t have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys.
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)
Ms. Pretty

Dimon’s reply.

Dear Ms. Pretty,
I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyze your situation as a professional investor.

My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I’m not wasting time here.

From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain.

Put the details aside, what you’re trying to do is an exchange of “beauty” and “money” : Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square.

However, there’s a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can’t be prettier year after year.

Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It’s not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worse 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a “trading position”.

If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term – same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or “leased”.

Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income.This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps.

signed,
J.P. Morgan CEO

Happy World Introvert Day

May we celebrate together, but alone and separately. Talk to you tomorrow because I’m not talking today.

It’s my favorite holiday after just suffering through Christmas and New Years. I can be alone today. Somewhere out there (although probably quiet) my fellow souls finally have some joy. It’s doubtful others will hear about it as we don’t boast, and other times you can’t get a word in edge wise for all the yapping.

I know and so do others.

PS, I’m not an INFJ.

This next one is me. I’m always in the back, next to the door so I can leave if I need to escape or panic

Top Posts For The Year As Clicked On By Readers

There is a lot of good reading here, the best insults, the best stories of fooling around at work, the biggest racists, history, IQ and more to catch up on.

Euphemisms For Stupid

A beer short of a six pack
A brick short of a load
A couple of eggs shy of a dozen
A couple of gallons short of a full tank
A few ants short of a picnic
A few beers short of a six-pack
A few bricks short of a pile
A few bricks short of a wall

It’s a long list, click on it for your friends, and enemies

Democrats on the 4th of July, A history of racism and slavery

….Facts are facts, no matter how much you try to deny them, or how much you blame others for what you did. Here they are. Democrats are the Jim Crow party, KKK and the party behind eugenics – the attack on blacks by abortion. They have been behind the slavery, racism, bias, and are everything they accuse others of being and doing.

There are a lot of inconvenient (for Democrats and liberals) truths in this. It names names, lists who they are and what they did, meme’s to steal for the upcoming election and blows out of the water anything other than who they really are, including Biden.

My first job included Madmen Shenanigan’s – This is the one with sex and booze and work stories in it.

….I found what I thought was a private place and parked. I made my move quickly as I figured we were drunk and if I got any push back, I’d just go home. I wasn’t going to try that hard. Well, she was in on the plan and probably hadn’t gotten any since college so her shirt was unbuttoned in no time. I’d had a steady college girlfriend who had the same bra that unsnapped in the front. I had it undone faster than Fonzie from Happy Days, to which her surprised response was wow, you did that well. I said I’d done it before, so she knew she was going to have a ride that night. Let the rodeo begin.

What does Ha! mean on a text, or the worst single word answers.

…..As I suspected, ha is a single word equating to “I’ll let you go now” the on phone or best wishes.  I also means I don’t want to text anymore and this lets you think something witty was said while giving you the finger.  I got news for you, it wasn’t.  I knew what you meant which is why I don’t want to continue and doubt whether you are mature.

People are assholes sometimes.

What’s it like to have an extremely High IQ?

While this wasn’t written in 2023, it still got a ton of clicks because people want to know what it’s like to be smart.

….Since I published this, the comments have been coming in and are now far better than the blog post. I encourage you to read about the lives and struggles of those who have high IQ. Their stories are quite revealing.-> It’s in the comments, hint, hint, hint.

RAIR – Pharmaceutical Whistleblower: Covid and the ‘Toxic Vaccines’ are Bio-Weapons Created by U.S. Department of Defense

People still care about Covid-19 as this was written in 2020

….According to Sasha Latypova, a Russian-American, former pharmaceutical industry research and development executive, and Katherine Watt, a para-legal researcher, and philosopher, it’s an inside job. Covid-19 is an act of bio-warfare perpetrated by the U.S. Department of Defense (DoD) on the U.S. and worldwide populations in two stages. 

How To Punk LinkedIn – Viral Post Generator

People are always bragging or taking credit for jobs they should be doing anyway, like this:

 

Here’s a post generator that makes up stuff for you (link below). I put random stuff in it to get this:

. 

You put anything in and pick the level of cringe that you want. It even adds (I guess) fake people who liked it to give you cred when you post it.

Link

Go ahead and punk LinkedIn

Michael Jordan Allegedly Told Julian Edelman ‘Don’t F*ck It Up’ Regarding ‘A Bunch Of Money’ He Bet On Super Bowl

Well, Jordan certainly can be a charming fellow. Read below.

Michael Jordan is such a G!

When it comes to being an athlete, the pinnacle of pressure certainly has to be playing in the Super Bowl, so with stress, you really don’t want any outside negative energy coming at you outside of what happens on the gridiron.

However, New England Patriots legend and Super Bowl champion Julian Edelman had to deal with exactly that before Super Bowl XLIX, and on such a massive scale considering the added pressure was coming from Michael Jordan. Yes, that Michael Jordan — His Airness, six-time NBA champion, the greatest of all-time, whatever you wanna call him.

Speaking on a recent episode of his “Games With Names” podcast while hosting comedian Bert Kreischer, Edelman told a story about how he met both Jordan and Derek Jeter before the 2015 edition of the Super Bowl in Glendale. (RELATED: What’s Going On? Colts Shockingly Suspend Two Players For The Rest Of The Season In The Middle Of Playoff Race)

“And I’m super starstruck,” said Edelman. “And I’m about to play in the Super Bowl. I go up — and you could tell Jeter’s a very charming guy, welcoming. I go up [and say], ‘Mr. Jeter, I’m Julian Edelman. I’m playing in the Super Bowl.’ I felt weird introducing myself, but I wanted to meet him.”

Jordan, on the other hand, wasn’t as friendly, only issuing Edelman one simple message, according to the former player.

“I started talking with Jeter and everything’s good,” Edelman explained. “And as soon as the conversation’s about to end like five minutes in [and] I’m about to leave, Jordan comes up to me and he goes, ‘Hey kid, I got a bunch of money on you. Don’t f*ck it up.’ And that’s the only thing he said to me.”

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I guess when you have that kind of money, the rules are a bit different.

Take That Karen’s, Dunkin Employees Pull Gun When They Ask For The Manager

Three Dunkin’ workers accused of threatening customers with guns have been arrested, Texas police say. The El Paso Police Department said the incident happened in the Dunkin’ drive-thru at 8:30 p.m. Saturday, Dec. 9. A 41-year-old man and his girlfriend were ordering doughnuts, but the woman said an employee was acting “rude” and she asked to speak to the manager, police said in a Dec. 18 news release. The worker responded that he was the manager, using explicit language, according to police. When the couple drove toward the window, the employee came outside, followed by two co-workers. The three workers, ages 17, 19 and 20, brandished handguns toward the couple, police said. “One of the employees chambered a round in the pistol, pointed the gun at the 41-year-old customer, and verbally threatened him, saying, ‘Y’all gonna die tonight,’” officers said.

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It’s A Dog’s Life

 

I got good response on my dog, Boxer Rebellion as well as my interview series, so I thought I’d interview her by describing her day.

Here’s how it goes…..

Wake up, Oh boy, it’s Christmas day, every day! my favorite!
Go for a walk, Oh boy! my favorite!
Eat Dog Food, Oh boy! my favorite!
Play with my toys, Oh Boy! my favorite!
Bark at the kids leaving for school, Oh boy! my favorite!
Nap, Oh boy! my favorite!
Lunch with Dad, maybe some people food, Oh boy! my favorite!
Go for a walk, Oh boy! my favorite!
Bark at the mailman, Oh boy! my favorite!
Kids come home from school, Oh boy! my favorite!
Nap, Oh boy! my favorite!
If I’m good, I get a treat, Oh boy! my favorite!
Dog food, Oh boy! my favorite!
Bark and play with my toys, Oh boy! my favorite!
Go for a walk, Oh boy! my favorite!
Time for bed, sleep on Dad, Oh boy! my favorite!

Take That EV’s, The Megazilla Engine Has Arrived

I’m not going to get into the Ford/Chevy debate. This is about ICE (internal combustion engine) vs EV’s. A 7.3 liter V8 monster.

I’m old school and like to hear the growl of a powerful engine. EV’s are fast, but lack the sensory overload you get with the sound and smell of a powerful ICE.

What is best about this is the manufacturers play follow the leader. If one makes something people like, they all will build one. Then you can argue about manufacturer.

So while they are introducing a monster gas engine, Ford cuts F150 production in half

Just like I was against the jab because the government jammed it down most peoples throats (not me), trying force EV’s on the population smells of the same rat (again, not me).

It looks like a lot of people don’t want an EV anyway.

My daughter borrowed my truck with flowmaster exhaust just to show off the sound in high school. They sat in the parking lot and revved through a half a tank of gas just to listen to it. No one is going to be that cool with an EV.

Back in September 2022, Ford Authority reported that The Blue Oval had filed to trademark “Megazilla” with the United States Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO), which seemingly previewed the arrival of a new, more potent version of the existing 7.3L V8 Godzilla powerplant. A few months later, that’s precisely what happened when Ford officially revealed the new Megazilla crate engine, but in the year since then, the automaker has remained radio silent on that particular offering, even as other engines have been added. Now, however, Ford has officially revealed the pricing of the new 7.3L V8 Megazilla powerplant, even if it still isn’t yet available to order.

Listed in the Ford Performance catalog under part number M-6007-MZ73, the Megazilla retails for $22,995, which is a relatively hefty sum. However, buyers get a fairly complete package when they order one, as the Megazilla comes as a long block with coils, plug wires, spark plugs, an oil pan, and an engine wiring harness, all in a special shipping and storage crate. However, things like the control pack, a custom calibration, a starter, and accessory components are sold separately or otherwise required for installation.

What buyers do get is a cast iron block filled with a performance camshaft, a steel crank, Mahle forged 10.5:1 compression pistons, and Callies H-beam forged connecting rods, along with CNC ported aluminum cylinder heads, a low profile intake manifold, and a 92mm throttle body, all of which results in an output of 615 horsepower and 638 pound-feet of torque on pump gas.

As for fitment, installing a Megazilla should prove relatively straightforward in a wide array of applications thanks to the fact that it utilizes the same bellhousing bolt pattern as the 5.0L V8 Coyote, 4.6L V8, and 5.4L V8. It remains to be seen when the Megazilla will be available to order, but it was previously slated to launch in Q2 of this year.

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Obviously Small Penis Syndrome

Oklahoma law enforcement officer David Dewitt is on the wrong side of the law after an alleged sex toy store fight.

The Pottawatomie County sheriff’s commander was charged with assault and battery after an alleged incident in Oklahoma City at Christie’s Toy Box, according to Fox25.

Dewitt allegedly entered the store with a woman and repeatedly argued with her when she wanted to purchase something…..for possibly the funniest reason imaginable.

The issue was the main sex toy in question the woman wanted was “bigger than him.”

That led to Dewitt allegedly raising his hands in threatening fashion, and a clerk intervened. The Oklahoma LEO responded by stating, “Fuck you, I’m a cop.”

Eventually, the situation cooled down before eventually going off the rails when the clerk asked Dewitt if he needed batteries for the sex toy, according to the same report.

Dewitt allegedly asked the clerk, “What the f**k you say to me, fat boy?” He then allegedly attacked the clerk and repeatedly struck him in the face and ribs.

He was eventually arrested but not before telling the clerk, “Call the f*cking cops. I’m an officer of the law. You don’t f*cking assault me. I can have you arrested, jailed to where you never get out.”

Yes, threatening a guy with life in prison after allegedly beating the hell out of him over a sex toy. Very rational, normal and calm.

Story here