Category: fun

Two Completely Different Versions Of The Same Story – Proof That Sex Sells

It was every man’s fantasy. I was going to be in a den of women I’d never met and I’d never see again. They were there just for me during my time. It was something I needed to do before I die and did.

Here is the same story told from alternate points of view.

VERSION ONE, WITH THE SEX STUFF

I went there with a little anticipation. The whole thought of what I knew was going to happen set my nerves on fire. After all, even though I’ve been with many women, I’d never done this before. The first time for anything can be both a little unnerving and get you worked up simultaneously.

As I walked in, I was greeted by the first of the lovely ladies I would meet that day. She led me to where the whole thing was going to go down.

I had a seat and was told the ladies who would attend to my needs would come and welcome me to our private soiree. I saw that it was going to be two on one today.

While the tension was building, I had that tingling sensation between my legs, anticipating what was soon to happen.

In only a short time, I was ready to get started as Penelope and Kelly came out and took me to the back room. Their faces were hidden from me and I wondered if this was kinky or did they do this for everyone. Despite me being nervous, Penelope told me that they were experienced and there was nothing for me to worry about. She then told me to take off my clothes and lie back and enjoy what she’d done many times before. They even had my private bed clothes laid out for me to change into before we got down to business.

I have to admit, my heart began to race as I was going to be vulnerable at the hands of two women I’d only just met. Wanting to get on with it, I gladly laid down as they came over. The clothes didn’t fit as well as I wanted, but I figured that they would come off soon so it didn’t matter. I was far more interested in what they were about to do to me versus that what I looked like. I’d be looking at their faces between my legs anyway.

And so it began.

Penelope started first. There was a little small talk as she applied a generous amount of lubricant and reached up the sheet. It made it all the way to my manhood and it felt warm to the touch.

For 15 minutes, she went back and forth and up and down, slowly and sometimes stopping. She talked to me softly and told me everything she was going to do to me. Before she finished with me, she asked me if Kelly could join us. When I said yes, this is what I saw between my legs. Penelope guided Kelly’s hand to the same place and told her how to move it up and down then side to side. She made sure that no place was left untouched. I was watching 2 women’s hands doing their magic together.

Like all things, we finished and the girls left. I was alone to clean up, get dressed and be on my way, never to set eyes on either again. I knew this was probably a one time experience.

I walked away knowing a good thing happened. I didn’t feel the slightest bit of guilt nor did I think I’d cheated. I even paid for this and didn’t mind.

OK, HERE’S WHAT REALLY HAPPENED.

I had to go to the hospital to get an ultrasound on my boys. They gave me an old gown to wear. The technicians had N-95 masks on as did I so I never saw their faces. One was the lead and the other was a student who needed instruction on where to move the ultrasound wand.

I was covered up the whole time and was uncomfortable given what was happening.

The other version sounded way more interesting to me than what really happened.

How High Are Gas Prices?

You gotta admit, that’s pretty fricken’ high in that picture. It’s just like the price of gas, which is still way over $1 from just 2 years ago, when we were energy independent.

That reminds me of the song, Roll Me Up And Smoke Me When I Die, with both of these gentlemen singing. Enjoy.

Me, Being Childish In The Store

I absolutely would do this. I’m just pissed I haven’t thought of it before.

hat tip wirecutter

The cashier could be male or female (still the only genders science can prove) and they will judge you by the size you pick. Think about that.

The Most Dangerous Toys Of All Time

I had a lot of these growing up and made them more dangerous if possible. Instructions? If I read them, it didn’t mean I followed them.

Where were our parents? They bought us these killers and told us to go outside and play. I never had supervision other than don’t hurt the other kids, which was the point of all our games anyway.

I never had a Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy Lab with real radiation.

In 1951, A.C. Gilbert introduced his U-238 Atomic Energy Lab, a radioactive learning set we can only assume was fun for the whole math club. Gilbert, who Americanmemorabilia claims was “often compared to Walt Disney for his creative genius,” had a dream that nuclear power could capture the imaginations of children everywhere. For a mere $49.50, the kit came complete with three “very low-level” radioactive sources, a Geiger-Mueller radiation counter, a Wilson Cloud Chamber (to see paths of alpha particles), a Spinthariscope (to see “live” radioactive disintegration), four samples of Uranium-bearing ores, and an Electroscope to measure radioactivity.

Here are the rest of the 10. If you don’t have the time, lawn darts IS on the list and I threw them at other kids and had them thrown at me.

Now, the Karen’s of the world have ruined the fun, or tried to make it woke.

Childhood Games – Car Pool, With The Car Doors

After reaching both puberty and achieving my drivers license, we drove around and made up games. It was sort of like video games in real life.

Everyone has been in a car and someone scores a target based on how many points you get if you open the door by driving and hit them, or just hit them with the car. Before you gasp, this was teenage boys showing off without ever following through. It garnered a good laugh and we always did the same. We drove past the target and counted the score based on who called it first. No lives were lost that I know of.

But here were the rules…..

Old People or disabled – no score as they moved slow and are too easy to hit

Mooning old people – extra points if they grab their heart and gasp (ok, we really did this one)

Young couples or families – a double score, but still low as the kids are like old people, slow and easy

Regular pedestrians – multiple score if you get more than one

All of these are walkers, and aren’t much of a challenge. For higher scores, move on to….

Bikers – A fairly high score as they are a moving target and satisfying if they are holding up traffic. This can only be scored with an open door as hitting with a car wouldn’t be a challenge. The faster the biker, the higher the points. Multiple bikers garners a multiple score, like a 7-10 split.

Motorcycles – A very high score as they are fast. A lower but more satisfying score if you open the door while stopped in traffic and catch one cutting between cars.

Animals -no score as you should lose points if you hurt one. They don’t know you are playing a game.

Practice – revving your car while stopped before someone crosses the sidewalk, then waving them to cross as you keep revving. The smart ones will just say no and not cross.

Things You See In A College Town

They are moving in up here in hippie town. The U-Hauls are driving in like a tank brigade.

The locals are the ones that give me the most entertainment.

Here is one that I’ll guess has dyed hair, tattoo’s and piercings. I would have guessed a cat, but she already let me know about that one.

This next one is a typical mountain car. The armrest is on the outside, the headlights are taped on, the hood is dented and the windshield is cracked. It’s a Sequoia, which once was a very nice car. I’m guessing this one will get driven until it dies.

Another Way To Say F*cked Around And Found Out

I guess this was Shakespeare’s version.

This is for the vax damaged and covidiots who are getting boosted. I’ve burnt out on Covid since the truth is coming out so posting has been light.

I’m looking for the next thing to discover what TPTB are doing to us, like the election coming up……maybe.

Lawn Darts And Dodgeball, Life’s Video Games

I loved lawn darts. It’s like eating a tootsie roll pop. You always bite it. With lawn darts, you take maybe 2 throws at the circle and then you are aiming at the other kids. Now, micro aggression’s need safe spaces in case I hurt you with an incorrect pronoun or say a forbidden word. How sad it is that you can become so shallow that words thrown childishly and generally out of context hurt you.

Now for dodgeball. They don’t let kids play it because the unwritten rules are kill the fat kids and girls first as they are the slowest and easiest to hit. It’s why lions kill the slowest in the heard. They are the ones that got a good game banned because they couldn’t win. Note: This game is a good lesson in life, survival, awareness and loyalty.

Loyalty in dodgeball? Yes. When it’s down to a couple of kids, you don’t throw at your friends first. It spilled over into class and life.

Did we aim for the body? If it was available, otherwise a head shot was good for stories 2 days later that everyone enjoyed until Karen’s came along.

If they would stop banning the good games (also red rover), maybe kids would go outside more.

It Looks Like I Finally Managed To Piss Off The Censors

I regularly post about the tragedy that is social media, how government mishandled Covid, that Gates and Fauci are power grabbing beta males and the worst sin of all, saying Covid came from Wuhan.

I have enjoyed posting the dangers of the jab, because meatheads I know can’t believe that I’ve proved it’s poison.

It turned out that I was both ahead of the curve on a lot of things

I predicted it would take it’s toll on my traffic and it did. I still get hits from China watching me properly place blame on their policies and human rights, but the big G search engine didn’t like it at all.

I also got banned by Facebook searches which regularly borrowed my memes. I detailed how to delete fake book many times and why you should do it.

All of that has cut me to about 10% of my usual traffic.

Now, ask me if I care? Why I don’t is that I write this for me. I get my thoughts out there in writing. Being introverted, I’d rather communicate that way rather than orally.

Will I stop? Not a chance. I’m having too much fun lampooning the mistakes.

Heck, the election season is not really in full swing. I can’t wait.

I Found The G-Spot Vs. I Founded The G-Spot

According to Wikipedia:

The G-spot, also called the Gräfenberg spot (for German gynecologist Ernst Gräfenberg), is characterized as an erogenous area of the vagina that, when stimulated, may lead to strong sexual arousal, powerful orgasms and potential female ejaculation. It is typically reported to be located 5–8 cm (2–3 in) up the front (anterior) vaginal wall between the vaginal opening and the urethra and is a sensitive area that may be part of the female prostate.

We all know the jokes about it and whether we actually found it, either guy or girl.

How about the guy that founded it. The G-spot is named after Ernst. The obvious questions are how did he find it, how long did he search for it and how long did he keep up the research after he completed his studies just to have naked women around. Did he change his name to Eric Stratton, rush chairman, Delta Tau Chi?

So he is famous for having the pleasure spot named after him. The difference in founded it and found it.

They say it is in this diagram. I’ve been told I found it and I’m sure I’ve been lied to.

My Secret Power, If I Was Still Working

A lot of meetings suck and are just a dick measuring contest. I posted Why Meetings are a wasted of time and how to get out of them a while back.

I wanted to choke the shit out of a lot of people. Just click either work or IBM in the tag cloud to the right.

There are some people that deserve this and I’m the one that would deliver it to them, especially Sandy Carter, but that would be a long line to wait in.

There are some people I’d force choke their balls instead to end their tirades or whatever nonsense they were bringing to the table. They’ agree to my point a lot faster.

I’d use the Jedi mind trick to get people to do stuff also, like give me a raise or stop giving me a hard time.

Like a lot of things, it’s probably better for the world that I’m not a force wielder. There are too many dark side things that need doing to some people.

Since I don’t have the force, I have to settle for my usual super power.

Weekend Update On Depp/Heard Trial

I was aware that it was going on, but have yet to click on an article because they are celebtards, a group of people that deserve what they get, good or bad. It sucks to be famous, I promise you.

On an added note, I also glanced at a headlines about a Kardashian wedding or something, but couldn’t care enough about that either. Plus, I didn’t want to lose my streak of never seeing anything Kardashian on purpose.

Peeing In The Men’s Room, The Unwritten Rule We All Know

And, you if by chance you do break the next rule of look ahead and not at the other guy, you only are allowed to look each other in the eyes.

Guys learn this without being taught. No matter what socially/politically correct spew that comes out of their mouths outside the bathroom door, once you enter the rules are the same for everyone, everywhere.

If you are spatially aware (like a Seal or Spook), you go to the stall where you can’t get attacked from behind, but that is skill level 10 for dangerous people.

New Pet Update

This is the male guarding the nest a couple of feet below him. The hen is on the nest now, so there must be eggs. He sits there all day now.

I found out that they are Song Sparrow’s. I’ve left them food and stopped gardening near it for a while. There is nothing that can’t wait, but at the rate of growth up here (Spring just started and we still have 50 degree days in the Blue Ridge Mountains), I’ll have to hack through the weeds as everything plant and animal is exploding to life.

I hope he fights off the cowbirds, who are also here. They lay eggs in other birds nests and are way bigger than the sparrows, so that chick would get all the food. I let nature do it’s thing.

Oh, the Hummingbirds have migrated here also.

New Pets, Sort Of

I wrote about the death of a pet last fall hoping that Spring would bring this day for me. I was sorry to see Fred go.

In one week I have a new spider and will have baby birds that I get to watch. I noticed the sparrow on the ground gathering nest material in the field outside of my house. I wondered where the nest was, only to find later in the day that it was just outside of my kitchen window.

I named her Wilma after a little sister in my Fraternity. I don’t think she’d appreciate it, but the spider reminded me of her. Only later did I realize the Fred and Wilma Flintstones connection. Fred was named for a guy I know from the town that I moved away from recently, not Fred Flintstone.

Here is the sparrow’s nest from this morning, sorry for the blurry picture, I had to zoom it in a long way:

I don’t think I’ll name them as they fly away. The spider will stay with me until almost Thanksgiving and will provide me entertainment every night until then. I will love it when the baby birds hatch.

Some pets are less personal than others, but these will be interesting and part of nature I don’t always get to watch.

Introvert Golfing

The snow is finally gone (it did snow last week) and the local course opened, so I made my way out to the course. I had no one to make up a four or even a twosome, so I picked at time and figured I’d get stuck with someone.

Well, the tourists aren’t hear yet. The snow has melted and the skiers are gone. It turns out that it was supposed to rain that day so when I got to the course, the parking lot was empty. I knew my luck couldn’t hold so I went to the range and hit a bucket to warm up and then went to putt on the practice green. It is next to the first tee, so I knew that I could keep an eye on the traffic to get out with as few people in my group as possible.

As it turns out, no one showed up. Even the starter wasn’t there. I took the opportunity to jump on the tee and try for a solo round. Life was on my side and there weren’t golfers for many holes either side of me.

I played 18 hassle free and small talk free golf. I would have paid extra money for this freebie in life.

I’ll be out again this week and I’ll get paired up with someone the rest of the year, but it was a good start.

Looks like I’m starting out the year with a double digit handicap. Playing golf is my other handicap.

The cart is mine. There is no one on any hole in sight, damn near a perfect day for me.

Now That I’m Grown, What Did I Get For What I Wished For?

I’ve been reminiscing about when I was young. I’d flit from one thing to the next, never worrying about what was around the next corner. I didn’t plan for tomorrow unless it included fun or something for me to do that wouldn’t affect my retirement.

Now, I can’t take a dump without working out what I’m going to do next and plan my time around it.

My kids are grown now, but I told them to not grow up too fast. They all have mortgages, plus pets and kids that rely on them, like they did on me.

I hurt a lot more now. I’m sore from my first round of golf of the year yesterday, and I didn’t even go at it that hard.

Life.

Yes, I Would Giggle If I Had To Say That

It’s like when the answer is a dirty word, but not in the context on Jeopardy. You sometimes get to cuss, or say a word like dick, dump or some other childish Beavis and Butthead joke on national TV.

I’d call in to ask if they could page Mike Hunt.

And Now You Get Why Twitter Is So Messed Up Internally

The real cowards won’t play when it’s not their rules. It must be that tough to have words bother you so much that you can’t work for a company.

I find this wildly entertaining that Musk bought a majority stake in hater Twitter. I can’t wait to see what will happen and hope for a wonderful train wreck to entertain me on this one. I am finding Must to be right far more than wrong and am learning to trust non traditional thinkers such as him.

I really don’t think much will happen, but the consternation it will stir up may split the audience for other platforms. That would take away the historical preference for Twitter Twatter.

Like in the movie War Games, sometimes the best move is to not play. I have had a blissful twitter free life now since before Trump. I recommend it or another instant platform of your choice.

I have accounts with all the competitors, but the drain of being on another social media platform is being overpowered by my introverted nature to avoid people.

Men, You Got To Get Your Girl One Of These Rings

Bring on the Karen’s and the feminist whiners about supposed misogyny to shoot hate darts at me. Wrong, you don’t know sarcasm and humor when it smacks you in the face.

I don’t want anymore trackers following me and reporting back to big tech. However……..There are a lot of girls that have been in and out of my life that if I’d have bought them one of these, a lot of people’s lives would have been a lot better. I don’t care about my heartbeat or how I slept, this isn’t why I’d buy one.

If I’d have known who was going to lose it in the office or anywhere else in my life, I’d invest in a box full of these gems. Just give them away on Valentines day and voila, you know when to hide or go play golf.

Come to think of it, there have been a few dudes from NY (Ed B I’m looking at you) that lost it way worse that most girls. I would have bought them one as a gift to me.

Things That Don’t Lie, Yoga Pants

When I went to Milan, the fashion capital of Italy I was expecting gorgeous clothes on stunning women. What I got was a parade of yoga pants, in this case done worse than in the USA.

No matter where I go now, be it the grocery store, a restaurant, walking anywhere it’s pretty much what you see on girls of all age.

I got news for you. Most of you shouldn’t be wearing them, or shouldn’t be wearing them outside the house. I get that it is the fashion trend and they are comfortable, but a lot of you fill them out way more than they were meant to. This is even true in the gym, where they are acceptable.

Well, it’s a boon to guys who want to check you out, unless you are an exhibitionist. It hides nothing and reveals everything. A lot of you shouldn’t be wearing thongs underneath them either. Those are supposed to be sexy and there are few over their mid twenties that make them look that way.

Don’t come back with guys with beer bellies and butt cracks because I’ll get to that in another post.

For now, here’s why:

How to Avoid Camel Toe in Yoga Pants - Daily Hawker
Camel Toe

If you really want to laugh, play this song because it describes almost every name there is for this part of the anatomy. It’s freakin’ hilarious.

Posting Stupid Stuff On Facebook

Same thing for Alcohol. When I see a girl post herself holding a drink, like all guys learned when they are growing up, it’s a leg spreader.

If I guy is posting at drink, I think here, hold my beer because something stupid is happening soon.

The New Girl Scout Cookies This Year

The woke can ruin everything they touch.

When I was raising a girl scout, I bought dozens of these waist killers. I brought them into work one day and offered them to my co-workers. While most declined or took one or two, Laura Knapp, from the NHD proceeded to knock down an entire sleeve as I watched in disbelief. I thought it was an imposition on my generosity, but then she was in the meme.

Pencil Trick For Girls, Towel (Doughnut) Hanger For Guys

Hanging a towel on your junk is a joke that Jeff Foxworthy made about the side effects of Viagra. I learned about the pencil trick from off color office banter at some point in my working career.

They aren’t fooling me about what they are hanging doughnuts on. It’s below the belt humor.

People do this when they get bored. It is sophomoric, but funny to me as I have a 12 year old’s sense of humor.

Lift up your top, put a pen or pencil under your breast ...

Euphemisms For Farting

I posted Euphemisms for stupid a while back and it’s still pretty high on the search list. I was in the shower, where I do some of my best thinking and gathered some of these off the web. I have also posted on how much farts weigh.

No matter who you are, you fart. Most people think it’s funny. Old people don’t care and just let it go whenever. Guys have farting contests and remember the loudest, longest and smelliest ones. Girls say it’s gross in from of others, but let it rip when they are alone.

Everybody thinks it’s funny if someone famous gets caught.

229 best Laughing "Gas" images on Pinterest | Funny stuff ...
Prince Phillip ripping one in front of the Royals

It’s still a Covid test. If you can smell it, you don’t have Covid.

Enjoy

Air bagel

Air biscuit

Airbrush the boxers

Air tulip

Anal acoustics

Anal ‘ahem’

Anal audio

Anal exhale

Anal salute

Anal volcano

Anus applause

Answering the call of the wild burrito

back blast

Back draft

Back-end blowout

Backdoor breeze

Backdoor sneeze

Backfire

Bake an air biscuit

Baking brownies

Bark

Barking spider

Barn burner

Bean blower

Beef

Beefer

Beep your horn

Belch from behind

Belching clown

Benchwarmer

Better open a window

Blast

Blast the chair

Blat

Blow mud

Blow the big brown horn

Blue dart

Blurp

Blurt

Bomber

Boom-boom

Booty bomb

Booty cough

Bottom blast

Bottom burp

Booty belch

Break the sound barrier

Break wind

Breath of fresh air

Brown cloud

Brown dart

Brown haze

Brown horn brass band

Brown thunder

Bubbler

Bull snort

BUMsen burner

Bun shaker

Bung blast

Burning rubber

Burner

Burp out the wrong end

Bust ass

Buster

Butt bazooka

Butt bleat

Butt bongos

Butt burp

Butt cheek screech

Butt dumpling

Butt percussion

Butt sneeze

Butt trauma

Butt trumpet

Butt tuba

Butt wind

Butt yodeling

Buttock bassoon

Chair air

Cheek flapper

Cheek squeak

Cheeser

Cheesin’

Colon bowlin’

Colonic Calliope

Crack a rat

Crack concert

Crack one off

Crack splitters

Crap call

Crop dusting

Crowd killer

Cut a stinker

Cut one

Cut the cheese

Death breath

Deflating

Doing the one cheek sneak

Doing the two cheek sneak

Drifter

Drop a bomb

Droppin’ stink bombs

Duck call

Eggy

Emptying the tank

Exhume the dinner corpse

Exploding bottom

Exterminator

False pooper

Fanny beep

Fanny frog

Fart (of course)

Fecal fume

Fire a Stink torpedo

Fire in the hole

Firing the retro rocket

Fizzler

Flame thrower

Flamer

Flapper

Flatulate

Flatulence

Flatus

Flipper

Float an air biscuit

Floater

Floof

Fluffer

Fluffy

Fogger

Fog horn

Fog slicer

Fowl howl

Fragrant foof

Free jacuzzi

Freep

Free speech

Frump

Fumigating

Funky roller

Gas

Gas attack

Gas blaster

Gas master

Get out and walk Donald

Ghost turd

Gluteal maximus gas a mess

Gluteal tuba

Great brown cloud

Grundle rumble

Grunt

Gurgler

Heinie hiccup

Heinous Anus

Hisser

Hole flapper

Honk

Honker

Horton hears a poo

Hot wind

Hottie

Human hydrogen bomb

HUMrrhoids

Ignition

Insane in the methane

Inverted burb

Jet power

Jet propulsion

Jockey burner

Just calling your name

Just keeping warm

Kaboomer

Killing the canary

Lay an egg

Lean mean bean machine

Let each bean be heard

Let one fly

Let one go

Let one rip

Let the beans out

Lethal cloud

Let Polly out of jail

Make a stink

Mating call

Methane bomb

Methane dart

Methane mating call

Methane pain

Mexican (food) jet propulsion

Moon gas

Mouse on a motorcycle

Mud duck

Nasty cough

Nose death

Odor bubble

Odorama

One-gun salute

One-man band

One-man brass band

One-man salute

Orchestra practice

O-ring oboe

Painting the elevator

Paint peeler

Paint stainer

Panty burp

Parp

Parper

Party in your pants

Pass gas

Pass wind

Peter

Pewie

Pip

Playing the tuba

Playing the trouser tuba

Poof

Poof-poof

Poop gas

Poop gopher

Poot

Pootsa

Pop

Pop a fluffy

Pop tart

Power puff

Puffer

Puff the Magic Dragon

Putt-putt

Quack

Quaker

Raspberry

Rattler

Rebuilding the ozone layer

Rectal honk

Rectal shout

Rectal tremor

Rectal turbulence

Release a squeaker

Release the hounds

Rip one

Ripped the cheese

Ripper

Ripple

Roar from the rear

Roast the jockeys

Room clearer

Rump ripper

Rump roar

Saluting my shorts

Scud missle

Shoot the cannon

Silent and scentless

Silent but deadly

Silly cyanide

Singe the pants/chair/etc

Skunk bait

Slider

Sphincter siren

Sphincter song

Sphincter whistle

Spitter

Split the seam

Squeaker

Squeak one out

Stale wind

Steam-press your pants

Steamer

Step on a duck

Step on a frog

Stink bomb

Stink burger

Stink it up

Stinker

Stinky

Stinkmeaner

Tail wind

Taint tickle

Thunder from down under

Thurp

Toilet tune

Toot

Toot your own horn

Tootsie

Trouser cough

Trouser trumpet

Trunk bunk

Turd tremors

Turtle burp

Tushy tickler

Uncorked one

Uncorking

Under burp

Under thunder

Venting

Vent one

Wallop

Whiff

Whoopee

Whopper

Zinger

These came from Farthub