Boundaries are not walls or dividers. They are a personal list of what is and isn’t okay for you as an introvert.
As a counselor, I see many introverts come to my office struggling to set healthy boundaries. This doesn’t mean they’ve failed in some way because, let’s be honest, most of us have never been taught how to do this — and it’s not easy. I often help by showing them a few simple strategies.
To be clear, both introverts and extroverts can struggle with setting boundaries, so it’s certainly not just an introvert issue. Yet, in my experience, they struggle for different reasons. There are typically two main roadblocks for us “quiet ones”:
Many introverts — especially highly sensitive ones — are naturally inclined to take care of others due to their strong sense of empathy. For more on this, see my article The Science Behind Why We Absorb Others’ Emotions (and How to Deal).
Introverts, many of whom are compassionate and eager to help, often see boundaries as walls rather than healthy limits.
Over the course of our sessions, I help my introverted clients understand that boundaries aren’t barriers or dividers. They are guidelines, rules, or limits that define reasonable, safe, and mentally healthy ways for others to treat them — and how they will respond when those limits are crossed.
Simply put, personal boundaries are a list of what is and isn’t okay.
Again, to be very clear, not every introvert struggles with setting boundaries. But in general, because of their empathy, introspection, and compassion, some introverts tend to see boundaries as obstacles to relationships. They may view saying no as unkind, and setting boundaries may even feel wrong.
In reality, boundaries are the foundation of an empathetic, compassionate relationship. As Brené Brown writes in Rising Strong, “Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”
A Case Example: My Introverted Client
Sometimes, introverts come to me feeling upset or frustrated about a friend or loved one who isn’t meeting their expectations. One young woman, an introvert, was desperately trying to help her depressed friend. She repeatedly came to me with feelings of resentment and anger, saying, “No matter what I do, she isn’t getting better.”
This woman was so empathetic that she was pouring everything she had into trying to pull her friend out of depression. When we looked deeper, we realized she had an unspoken expectation — that her friend would get better because of her efforts. She believed she could heal her friend, and when that didn’t happen, she took it as a personal failure.
Instead of setting boundaries about when she would offer support and when she needed to take time for herself, she kept investing more energy, time, and effort into making her friend meet an expectation that wasn’t hers to control.
The more we talked, the more she realized that this wasn’t true empathy or compassion — it was actually harmful to both of them.
The Life-Changing Power of Setting Boundaries
Brené Brown captures it beautifully in The Gifts of Imperfection: “When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.”
My client began setting boundaries with her friend. She still offered support with kindness, but she no longer felt responsible for fixing the problem. She allowed herself to take breaks, spend time with other friends, and prioritize her own well-being. As a result, she became more present and compassionate with her struggling friend, and her own stress significantly decreased.
This is the life-changing power of setting boundaries.
3 Steps to Better Boundaries
Do you struggle to set healthy boundaries? Here are three key steps I share with my clients that can help you, too:
1. Decide what is okay and what isn’t in your life.
Start by reflecting on your values. Who are you? What matters most to you? Your boundaries are about you, so take the time to identify what you truly need from others. For example, as an introvert, you likely value alone time — your boundaries should reflect that.
Pay attention to your emotions, as they often signal where boundaries are needed. Do certain situations leave you feeling frustrated or resentful? Is there someone you frequently complain about? Do you feel suffocated, taken advantage of, or even unsafe in a particular relationship? Emotions are like warning flags, waving to get your attention and reveal areas in your life that may need stronger boundaries.
2. Communicate your boundaries.
For introverts, who often prioritize their inner world over external interactions, expressing boundaries can feel daunting —especially if it’s your first time. Here are some tips to help:
- Keep it short and simple. Boundaries sound like this: “If you… (for example, don’t pay rent on time again), then I… (for example, will ask you to move out).”
- Expect some discomfort. When you start setting boundaries, you may feel ashamed or afraid. Don’t lose heart — these feelings are normal! Keep going.
- Trust your timing. You will set boundaries when you are ready, and not a minute sooner.
- You are allowed to say no. For example, “Don’t vent your anger on me — I won’t tolerate it,” or “I won’t let you disrespect me. If you cannot treat me with respect, then stay away.” If someone continues to disregard your boundaries, you have every right to limit or cut off contact.
- Your privacy is yours to control. Nobody can demand to know your thoughts or personal business. What you choose to share is up to you, not what others expect or want.
- You have the right to your own mind. Nobody has the right to dictate what you think, feel, or do. Your thoughts, feelings, values, and beliefs belong to you.
If I’d only learned this earlier in life, it would have made a big difference. I just didn’t know how important this was
Delusions of Adequacy 