Childhood Pranks, One That Just Happened and My College Effort (Plus a list of Double Entendre Names You Can Use)

Some kids pranked a school board in Virginia with oldies like Wayne Kerr (Wanker), Don Kideck (donkey dick) and so forth. It’s going around but here it is. This guy had no idea he was being used like toilet paper, classic.

Now my turn.

In one of my auditorium classes (that held 250) students, we had a test and then were having the lecture. Back then it was 35 mm slides. My cousin was taking a photography class and I had her make me a whole roll of nudes.

While people were turning in their tests, I had my friends block the view between the teacher and me. There were slots open starting at the 7th slide. We anxiously waited that slide and he kept teaching because the screen was behind him. It was a shot of Marilyn Monroe from Playboy to start out. He took it well.

This was in the Animal House days. By the time the movie came out, we’d already done everything in the movie except the horse. We weren’t on double secret probation because we never got caught. We also stole the right test and got A’s in the class.

Now, here are the names you can use that weren’t called out in the prank. Some below were used in the prank above.

It’s almost as good as Euphemisms for Stupid, one of my top 2 posts ever. Someone reads that every day from around the world still. Hats off to the Bob and Tom Show (Paging Richard Smoker) and SNL for these. The clips are out there somewhere still.

Seymour Butts

Dick Beater

Richard Smoker (big dick smoker)

Jack N Off

Harry Balls(ack) – 2 for 1 here

Harry Beaver

Peter Stroker

Mr. Baiter

Haywood U Blowme

BJ Hunter

Peter Wanker

Woody Spanker

Sharon Peter

Stu Pedaso

Iwana Wiener

haid d’salaami
hous bin pharteen

Ive bin pharteen

jenna t’alia


jack izdikov (off)


justin detoush


suq madiq


usuqa m’diq


i’lik madiq


liqa madiq


yuliqa m’diq


u’wana m’diq


munchma quchi (coochie)


grabbir boubi


i-sheet m’drurz


shaif herboush


mustaf herod apyur poupr (up your pooper)


awan afuqya


yul strokheet al-wautch


apul madeek-aou

t

And, who can make a list and not include:

Mike Hunt

One of the tech support guys called the receptionist and had her page Mike at least twice over the loudspeaker to an entire warehouse. It was childish, but then so am I and I laughed as loud as everyone.

Are You Witty Or Serious About this? An Introvert Nightmare

“You can pretend to be serious; you can’t pretend to be witty.” – Sacha Guitry

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I can’t tell you how many arguments I’ve won in the shower, 3 hours after they took place. Sometimes, 3 days after the event took place, I think of the wittiest comeback possible, but the world moved on 2 days, 23 hours and 59 minutes ago.

I can however be the most serious person you will know and mean it. I also don’t have to pretend to be loyal, considerate and other traits that may be inborn or taught by my parents. That comes as naturally as breathing. If I’m not, the other person did something to cause me to treat them like they treat me.

Some however, like a relative I have that has both wit and a sharp tongue at their disposal. It is frustrating for people like me. I know I have something correct and salient and even when history proves it, the moment is over and I’m left frustrated by (lack of) words.

The only time I have a comeback is when I’ve already prepared for the onslaught. If it is spontaneous, then so is my conversation skills bonfire of destruction.

I’ve written out responses just to be able to be ready. It occasionally works, but only if the stars align.

Some wonder why Introverts are quiet. Besides the fact that we are mostly listening, we don’t want to die in a verbal dual where we stand no chance to those who start talking fast and first.

I’m learning to say stop before they get a roll going and I get flattened.

Work Phrases Explained

Activate:
To make carbons and add more names to the email.

Advanced Design:
Beyond the comprehension of the ad agency’s copywriters.

All New:
Parts not interchangeable with existing models.

Approved:
Needs revising

Automatic:
That which you cannot repair yourself.

Channels:
The trails left by interoffice emails.

Clarify:
To fill in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground.

Conference:
A place where conversation is substituted for the loneliness of thought and the dreariness of labor.

Consultant:
Someone who borrows your watch to tell you what time it is and then walks away with the watch.

Forwarded For Your Consideration:
You hold the bag for a while.

FYI:
Found yesterday, interested?

In Conference:
Nobody can find him/her.

Let’s Get Together On This:
I’m assuming you’re as confused as I.

Note & Initial:
I’m not taking the fall for this myself.

Policy:
We can hide behind this.

Please See Me:
Come down to my office. I’m lonely.

Top Priority:
It may be stupid but the boss wants it.

We Are Taking A Survey:
We need more time to think of an answer or we can’t find anyone willing to be responsible for this.

Will Advise In Due Course:
If we figure it out, we’ll let you know.

And You Thought You Might Have Delusions of Grandeur?

“Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.” – Jane Wagner

It turns out that Jane was a comedy writer for Lily Tomlin. I sort of thought it was a joke but it had so much to do with the name of my blog, I’ve even put this statement in the sub-title.

I’ll stick with my title, it seems a better fit for most of the stuff that has been going on recently.

Friday Stupid Saying – About The Incompetent

“The incompetent with nothing to do can still make a mess of it.” – Lawrence J. Peter

I know this is not all that witty but bear with me. The reason it is there other than it is true is that in all of my posts, I have one entitled Euphamisms for Stupid, which has been in the top 5 for Google since 2006 worldwide. It is pages and pages of these. Go get one and use it at a meeting today:

Like a pair of children’s scissors, bright and colorful, but not too sharp
Million dollar body and a 2 dollar engine.
Mind is in neutral, body is in gear
Mind like a rubber bear trap.
Needing a few screws tightened
Not firing with all spark plugs
Not the brightest light in the harbor
Not the brightest light on the Christmas tree
Not the sharpest hook in the tackle box.
Not the sharpest pencil in the box
Off his rocker
On/off switch is broken in the off position
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl
One neuron short of a synapse
One taco short of a combination plate
One turbine short of an airplane
One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests
Prime candidate for natural deselection
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
Requires directions to lay sod
Room temperature IQ
Running about a quart low
Running on empty
Sets the lowest possible goals, and consistently fails to achieve them.
Sharp as a bowling ball.
She is so dumb, she couldn’t tell which way an elevator was going if she
had two guesses.

I wish I had written something of extreme intelligence that changed the course of history, but it looks like laughing at ways to say someone ain’t that bright is what it is for now.

Note: to the SJW, this post as with most of mine is made in jest. Try to have fun and not ruin the day for others.

Monday Saying – Why You Should Be Brave Enough To Say Yes or No (bonus for Introverts)

“In truth, the degree of anyone’s success depends on how often they can say the word yes and hear the word no.” – unknown.

 

Many are afraid of what others will think if they divert from their principles and don’t give the real answer.  It would save both parties a lot of time and angst if you would just be honest.

For Introverts, this is the best conversation.  It cuts through the BS small talk about why you can or can’t do something and gives the appropriate answer.  You’ll be respected for getting to the point quickly and will feel better about yourself for being honest.

Some, albeit a few might get their feelings hurt, but it will pass once they see you have done the right thing.  Many will appreciate that you gave them a straight answer, even if it isn’t dressed up and decorated with flowers and bows before you dance around your answer.

Say it, Yes or No.  Then move on to a deeper conversation.

How To Piss People Off

I laughed at this, especially the staple and the beeping.

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”
Specify that your drive-through order is “TO-GO.”
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.”
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
Staple pages in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
“DO YOU HEAR THAT?”
“What?”
“Never mind, it’s gone now.”
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “No, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
Ask people what gender they are.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”

How To Talk To Generation Z Using Their Dictionary

Have you ever wondered what the f&*% the kids are talking about lately?  Do you parents want to decode your kids texts?

Below is the Generation Z dictionary distributed by a Mr. Callahan so I point to him if any Gen Z’ers have a problem with it.

 

When thinking about this, I’m sure every generation trashes the previous by describing them as not as learned and their improper use of grammar.  I’m also pretty confident that Shakespeare is rolling in his grave as he probably has done for each generation after him.

I’ve put some screenshots below and full link to the dictionary in PDF form to download.

What I fear is these people will be making decisions about my generation in a few years.

To fully honor this generation, I purposely didn’t put it in alphabetical order just to mess with them.

Generation Z Dictionary Link

Women Now Swear More Than Men

flashing-updateA unique survey of the swearing habits of men and women over the past 20 years has revealed that not only is the English language constantly discovering new ways to be rude, but women are using the f-word more often than men.

According to the Times from this link, women (mostly British in this study, but listen to YouTube to realize the U.K.  doesn’t have the patent on this) have potty mouths now worse than men, except for maybe James Governor.  The study, conducted by researchers from Lancaster University and Cambridge University Press, also found that women were ten times more likely to say s–t than men.

But it wasn’t always this way. According to studies from the early 1990s, men used ‘f–k’ 1,000 times out of every million words they said; while women said it 167 times.  They should get a better vocabulary I guess.

I’ll speculate that men have been told to watch their mouths and women think that it makes them empowered.  In reality, unless you are very creative with your speech patterns, it’s not very linguistic to speak like this.  It’s not like everyone hasn’t thought it or said it, but to legitimize it on this scale is disturbing.  It also brings down a population segment.

I also find women with higher IQ’s use considerably less foul language than wannabee’s.  Conversely, celebrities and entertainers seem to be trying to legitimize this type of speaking.  It seems that the female politicians have taken to this trend also.

Maybe that’s why there is an attraction to intelligence?

You all should be ashamed of yourselves. 😉

 

Public Speaking #Words One Shouldn’t Use or Say #PublicSpeaking

Note to readers:  Please add to this list, either words I’ve left out or those that bother you or piss you off.  I’d like to get a collection of things not to say. I listen to people speak all the time.  I’ve done it myself.  Almost everyone is guilty of not speaking properly unless they are reading a teleprompter.  The less practiced you are, the more likely you are to say them. I’ve been keeping a collection of them and have perused the internet to get some others.  They are filler words and take up time and space, don’t use them. Here goes:

Um – women more than men

Uh – men more than women

Here is the record for Um’s and Uh’s that I’ve every heard from a public speaker. This is truly awful.

Huh

Okay

Right

Totally

Oh by the way – I particularly hate this one

You know what I mean? You know what I’m sayin’?

You know

Shape, form or fashion

Finger quotes in the air

There and there abouts

Let me be honest with you – (what, are you lying to me otherwise?)

Any expletives – James Governor, this is for you

It’s all good – my current pet peeve

Ah

Like, so like, so I’m like – mostly used by younger people, especially teenage girls

Er

Quite honestly, Let me be honest (were you lying up until now?)

Cracking – as of this date, the current most annoying UK adjective.  It is overused by the announcers at Radio LeMans as an example.

True story

Advanced filler words: just, very, really, mostly An apparently meaningless word, phrase, or sound that marks a pause or hesitation in speech. Also known as a pause filler or hesitation form.

Here is a list I got from the Blacksheeponline. 10.) “Ya know?”: If you have to end your thought by asking the person if they “know” what it is you’re saying, then it’s either painfully obvious or totally obscure. Either way you’re not making it any clearer, ya know?   9.) “Really”: “Really” is the least descriptive adjective in the English language. “How bitchy was she?” “Really bitchy.” Okay now we got it. We can’t all be Poet Laureate, but words are awesome! They’re like how we can communicate really well and stuff.   8.) “Literally”: This word should be erased from everyone’s vocabulary. Anything that is not a figurative statement is a literal statement. “It’s literally like a million degrees out.” Even if we lived on the sun you still wouldn’t be right.   7.) “I guess”: “Houston are we clear for takeoff?” “Yeah, I guess.” We can’t be afraid to show a little conviction. We’re in college now. It’s time to stop guessing and start knowing.   6.) “Or whatever”: Yeah we know it’s cool to not give a shit, but saying “whatever” at the end of every sentence makes everyone else give less of a shit. It’s the ultimate badge of apathy and kills the whole point of making conversation. But, whatever… ya know?   5.) “I mean”: If you’re talking then people can only assume that you mean to say something. People shouldn’t have to try to understand what you’re saying. If you mean what you say, you shouldn’t have to say what you mean.   4.) “Idonknow” (phonetic: I-dunno): There’s nothing wrong with not knowing something, but you should never follow up an “Idonknow” with an explanation. “Why are you tired? Idonknow, I guess I stayed up too late,” Okay, so you do know.   3.) “So…”: Sorry, we couldn’t tell if you were finished. Using a coordinating conjunction at the end of the sentence without a follow-up clause is like writing a perpetual cliffhanger, and cliffhangers may be all right, but we’re all here for the climax anyway.   2.) “Um/Uh”: “Um” and “Uh” have become a means of kick starting our sentences. Even when asked the simplest questions we can’t help but let out an “Um.” “What did you say your name was?” “Um… S**t!”   1.) “Like”: The granddaddy of them all. “He was like… And then I was like…” When did “like” become a substitute for “said?” Instead of saying how everything is like something else, simply say what it actually is. Why do we even use it so much? When you listen to your parents talk, they’ll rarely use the word, and definitely not to the extent to which we use it. It’s the most normal way to talk these days, and it feels so natural to use it. If you can talk for five minute without saying the word “like” once, you are the prodigal leader, like, the one mankind has been waiting for.