6th Grade History Provides Insight Into The Mind of 6th Graders

The following were answers provided by 6th graders during a history test. Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the misspelling.

 

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

 

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

 

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

 

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

 

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

 

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

 

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”

 

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

 

Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

 

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

 

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

 

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

 

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

 

Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.

 

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

 

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

 

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

#DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

  1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
  2. Blaming your farts on me…not funny.
  3. Yelling at me for barking…I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG!! I’M SUPPOSED TO

BARK!!

  1. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn’t all over everything

while you’re gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little

like cat butt?)

  1. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly

who’s walk is this anyway?

  1. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose…stop it.
  2. Yelling at me for dragging my butt on your carpet. Why’d you buy

carpet?

  1. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I

haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

  1. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth,

you’re just jealous.

  1. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?.
  2. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew

your stuff up when you’re not home.

  1. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far

behind schedule that puts me?

  1. Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I

freak out every time we go back.

  1. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud

moment for the top of the food chain!

  1. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?

Salesman of the Year

The manager of a megastore came to check on his new salesman. “How many customers did you serve today?” the manager asked.

“One,” replied the new guy.

“Only one?” said the boss. “How much was the sale?”

The salesman answered, “$58,334.”

Flabbergasted, the manager asked him to explain.

“First I sold a man a fishhook,” the salesman said. “Then I sold him a rod and a reel. Then I asked where he was planning to fish, and he said down by the coast. So I suggested he’d need a boat – he bought that 20-foot runabout. When he said his Volkswagen might not be able to pull it, I took him to the automotive department and sold him a big SUV.”

The amazed boss asked, “You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fishhook?”

“No,” the new salesman replied. “He actually came in for a bottle of aspirin for his wife’s migraine. I told him, “Your weekend’s shot. You should probably go fishing.”

The Perks of Being Over 50

 

facepalmchimp

  1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
  2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
  3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
  4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”
  5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
  6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
  7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
  8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
  9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
  10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
  11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
  12. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
  13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
  15. You sing along with elevator music.
  16. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
  17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
  18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
  19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
  20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
  21. You can’t remember who sent you this list.